FUN-Believable/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "FUN-Believable" from season 13, which aired on July 19, 2023.

• [The text "Everyone is Horrible" appears over a grayscale burst background.]
• Announcer: And now with an editorial, here's Squidward Tentacles.
• [Squidward sits behind a desk in his house.]
• Squidward: Good evening. Everyone continues to be horrible, and I've got the proof. Here are my "Beefs of the week."
• [A screen with the show's title is shown next to Squidward. He presses a remote to show a clip of Bubble Bass, with his eyes covered by a censor bar, eating chum and sausage at the Krusty Krab register.]
• Squidward: Our first beef is, this filthy foodie always eats before he pays. Then he gives me a handful of money slathered in slimy grease.
• [Bubble Bass sets his bucket of chum on the register while searching his pockets, and the bucket spills. He takes a stained, crumpled dollar bill and gives it to Squidward, then eats a handful of chum from the floor.]
• Bubble Bass: [burps]
• Squidward: [pauses the video] Horrible. Next.
• [The screen switches to a frame of SpongeBob with his eyes censored.]
• Squidward: Ho-ho, boy, do I have a beef with this annoying guy.
• [A stagehand comes in and whispers to Squidward.]
• Squidward: What? [pauses] I'm done? [pulls down chart with images of Patrick, Old Man Walker, Granny Tentacles, and a kid] But I've got 47 more beefs! [puts the chart up and sighs] Typical. [reads paper] Coming up next, it's "Fun-Believable" with... Rube Goldfish!?
• [An image of Rube, with censor bars over his eyes, appears on the screen.]
• Squidward: Huh? Oh, no. That guy puts mustard in his milkshakes. Horrible! [the screen grows and pushes him away] Whoa, whoa, hey, watch it!
• [The screen flashes to show Rube in an inner tube. He throws the censor bar away.]
• Rube: Well, hello, everybody! I'm Rube Goldfish, and today we'll be exploring the amazing and unknown Bikini Bottom!
• [Rube jumps out of the inner tube and the title of his show appears next to him.]
• Rube: Warning: what you are about to see is gonna make you say, "That's fun-believable."
• [Slides show Rube cutting a topiary. Rube paints a picture as the slide shows Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Rube cooks on a barbecue grill as the slide shows the Diner. Rube repairs a TV as the slide shows Shady Shoals. Rube paints a picture of a fish as the slide shows the Fry Cook Museum. Rube wears a safari outfit and holds binoculars as the slide shows Sandy's treedome. Rube changes once more, spraying a garden hose. The screen zooms into the image of the treedome.]
• Rube: We're here at Sandy Cheeks' treedome, because--
• [SpongeBob and Patrick eagerly fidget in place.]
• SpongeBob: Um, excuse us, Rube, but... [giggles]
• Rube: [points] The public restroom is right around the corner, boys.
• SpongeBob: No, Patrick and I have something to show you. It's [spreads arms] "fun-believable." [chuckles]
• Rube: Really? Well, that's just what I'm looking for. Show us what you got!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick freeze up with blank expressions. They glance at each other, then run into the distance and huddle.]
• SpongeBob: [whispering] Okay, you ready?
• Patrick: [whispering] I think so.
• SpongeBob: [whispering] This is our chance.
• Patrick: [whispering, excited] Oh, you don't have to tell me, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: [whispering, quickly] All right, all right, all right...
• Patrick: [whispering] Is he still there?
• SpongeBob: [whispering] Let's check.
• [They glance behind them and go back to huddling.]
• Patrick: [whispering] Okay, he's still there.
• SpongeBob: [whispering] You ready?
• Patrick: [whispering] Yeah.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [whispering] One... two... [they run up to Rube] We're ready! [they skid, look at each other, and run away, worried] We're not ready!
• Rube: [waving] Okay, come back when you are! [to camera] Must be camera shy. [a robot arm from the treedome grabs him] Yipe! Would you look at that? Amazing. [the hand puts a water helmet on him, then shoots him into the dome] Whoa! [he falls down a tree and his underwear gets caught on a branch]
• Sandy: Howdy do, Rube?
• Rube: [chuckles] Howdy, Miss Cheeks. Now, if the robotic arms weren't "fun-believable" enough, I understand that you have a secret skill that nobody knows about.
• Sandy: That's right, Rube. I hold the [takes out acorn trophy] squirrel record for the most nuts stored in my cheeks.
• Rube: Wow. Can you give us a demonstration?
• Sandy: Sure can. I just happened to have some hazelnuts handy.
• [Sandy pulls a lever that makes a chute come down and fill her mouth with nuts.]
• Rube: Ooh!
• Sandy: Ahh-ahh!
• Rube: Wow, impressive! I don't think it's possible to fit any more than that!
• Sandy: [mouth full] You ain't seen nuttin' yet.
• [She uses a remote to extend the tube, and it shoots nuts into her mouth faster.]
• Sandy: Ahh-ahh-ahhh-ahhh!
• Rube: Wow!
• [Sandy's cheeks are full of acorns.]
• Rube: Fun-believable!
• [The doorbell rings.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, Rube? [kick the door down and run in] We're ready! We're ready! We're ready!
• Rube: Well, folks, it looks like--
• SpongeBob and Patrick: We're ready! We're ready!
• [They run into Rube, knocking him into the pile of acorns in Sandy's mouth.]
• Rube: Ahh-ahh!
• [Sandy closes her mouth and swallows the acorns.]
• Sandy: [groaning] Ugh. I think I have a nut-ache.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Sorry, Sandy.
• SpongeBob: [shouting] Hey, Rube, should we come back later?
• Rube: [gives thumbs up from inside Sandy's stomach] Yeah, later would be good!
• [Rube slides by and transitions to Nosferatu's castle. Lightning strikes. Rube stands next to Nosferatu and Slappy and speaks into a microphone.]
• Rube: We're here at Nosferatu's castle. [another Rube comes in from the side of the screen]
• Second Rube: Which is a historical landmark in Bikini Bottom, by the way!
• Rube: Well, thanks, Rube! [kicks him away and turns to Nosferatu] But why are we here today, Mr. Nosferatu? Could you give us a hint? [winks]
• Nosferatu: [hisses]
• Slappy: The master wants to show you his-- heh-heh-heh-- pain-reaction-- oh, I mean chain-reaction machine. [cackling]
• [Nosferatu slaps Slappy and giggles, then turns into a bat.]
• Rube: So how does this crazy contraption work, anyway?
• Slappy: Okay, Master, let it roll!
• [Nosferatu removes Slappy's head.]
• Rube: Oh. Oh, my. Ha-ha-ha.
• [Nosferatu throws Slappy's head down the stairs. It bounces down the stairs. A suit of armor knocks it into a windmill. Slappy's head lands on a toy car, which drives forward and through some swinging blades. It rides down a pile of skulls and the car crashes into a skull, knocking Slappy's head past the moon. Nosferatu raises his eyebrows. Slappy's head lands in a pipe, rolls through the laundry chute, and through a spider web.]
• Slappy: Mmm, snackies.
• [The head bowls through a bunch of skeletons and lands in a basket. This lifts a basket full of bat jellyfish and a container of Fizzy Fang soda on the other end. As a bat jellyfish flies past the screen, Nosferatu grabs the soda and drinks it. He holds Slappy's head.]
• Slappy: The master says, Rube's show is brought to you by Fizzy Fang soda. It tickles my teeth, heh-heh-heh.
• Rube: [clapping] Fellas, that was truly fun-believable!
• [Two coffins open being Rube. SpongeBob and Patrick, with blank eyes and sharp teeth and claws, hover out.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [ominously] We're ready for you, Rube.
• SpongeBob: [hisses]
• Rube: [playfully] Are you sure?
• [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, blink, and revert to their normal selves.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: No!
• [They fall back into the coffins and shut them.]
• Rube: [holds hands] I guess their moment has passed... [closes eyes, then gestures to coffins] away! [laughs and slaps his knee] Whoo!
• [Rube transitions to himself at the house of Mary and Baby Prunes.]
• Rube: We're here with "Baby Prunes." [to her] Now, you're the oldest resident of Bikini Bottom. Isn't that right?
• Baby Prunes: What are you, a cop?
• Mary: [shouting] Ma, behave!
• Baby Prunes: [shouting] He's interviewing me, Mary, so shut up!
• Rube: [laughs] You are too much.
• Baby Prunes: Honey, you should have seen me 70 years ago when I was middle-aged and wild! [coughing]
• Rube: You're putting me on. How could a sweet little old lady like [points] you ever be wild?
• Baby Prunes: [grabs Rube's shirt] That sounds like a challenge.
• [Rube transitions to a blue helicopter in the sky. Rube is reporting and Baby Prunes controls it from the front seat.]
• Rube: Holy helicopters! We are flying over Bikini Bottom, and the view is spectacular! [looks down] Hello!
• Townsfolk: [together] Hi, Rube!
• Rube: Baby Prunes, I've never seen someone your age so [tips hat] amazingly active.
• Baby Prunes: You call this active? I'll show you active! [pushes the helicopter forward so it dips down] Ah-ha-ha!
• Rube: Whoa-oh-oh! [ducks in his seat] Mrs. Prunes, you don't have to go this fast to impress me!
• Baby Prunes: This is your captain speaking. We're going down again! [laughs]
• [The helicopter goes down and then flies forward as Rube screams.]
• Rube: Eh... ohh! Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, ahhh! [sweating, nervously] Uh, that was the furthest thing from fun-believable.
• Baby Prunes: You could have fooled me. [laughs] Huh? [looks ahead] Flapping Yaps at 12:00! [laughs and tilts helicopter forward]
• Rube: [falls out of his seat and is pulled back by his seatbelt] Whoa-oh!
• Baby Prunes: Ha-ha! Huh?
• [There is a giant, burning pile-up of cars in a roundabout. Perch reports from his news helicopter.]
• Perch: This thousand-boat pileup might be the greatest tragedy to ever befall Bikini Bottom. And I just want to thank my [puts her arm around her] great gram-gram for flying the copter today. She is the oldest citizen in Bikini Bottom at 115!
• [Old Mrs. Perkins kisses Perch's cheek, leaving a lipstick mark. Baby Prunes drives the helicopter up to her.]
• Baby Prunes: You are not the oldest citizen in Bikini Bottom! You're only 115! I'm 116!
• Old Mrs. Perkins: Ooh, you fibber! If I wasn't your elder, [imitates a punch] I'd pop you right in the beezer!
• Baby Prunes: I'm the oldest!
• Old Mrs. Perkins: I'm the oldest!
• [A hand comes out of Baby Prunes' helicopter and slaps Perch's helicopter, making it spin.]
• Perch and Old Mrs. Perkins: Oh-oh-oh-oh!
• Baby Prunes: I challenge you to a [black bars surround the screen] copter duel!
• Old Mrs. Perkins: Oh, it's on! [shows her hearing aid under her headphones as black bars surround the screen] Like my hearing aid!
• Perch and Rube: Copter duel!? No!
• [The helicopters back up. Perch jumps out.]
• Perch: This just iiiiin! TV news anchor Perch Perkins jumped out of a helicopter today! [takes out an umbrella and floats with it, then the umbrella collapses and makes him fall] Whoaaa!
• [The helicopters get into position.]
• Baby Prunes: This is a no-fly zone, sister!
• [The helicopters bump into each other near a cloud.]
• Rube: Whoa-oh-oh!
• Baby Prunes: Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!
• Old Mrs. Perkins: I'm the oldest!
• Baby Prunes: I'm the oldest!
• [They slam the helicopters together, making them fall.]
• Rube: I'll have to change the name of this show from "Fun-Believable" to... Aaaah! [Glove World is seen] Ohh! [the helicopter crashes on a roller coaster] Oh-oh-oh-oh!
• Baby Prunes: Whee!
• [Everyone shouts as the helicopter rides on the roller coaster car. The car comes to a stop. Perch and Mary have wheelchairs ready.]
• Perch: Time to go home, you two.
• Mary: Yeah, that's enough excitement for today.
• Baby Prunes, Rube, and Old Mrs. Perkins: Awww. [grumbling]
• [They get into the wheelchairs and are pushed away.]
• Baby Prunes: I'm the oldest!
• Old Mrs. Perkins: I'm the oldest!
• Baby Prunes: I am the oldest!
• Old Mrs. Perkins: I'm the oldest! [she poofs into dust]
• Baby Prunes: Huh, I guess she was the oldest. But I'm the oldest now! [chuckling]
• Rube: [watches them exit, then turns to the camera] Well, we've come to end of our show, everybody. [turns his body around] And I just want to tell ya how fun-be--
• [SpongeBob and Patrick run in.]
• SpongeBob: [panting] We're ready, Rube!
• Rube: It's now or never, fellas. Take it away!
• [SpongeBob opens up Patrick's mouth and takes out a boombox. He presses a button. Dramatic music plays as they take deep breaths and brace themselves. Their bodies spiral up into the air. SpongeBob's body stretches into the sky. Patrick stretches his stomach sideways. SpongeBob's body and eyes fall apart.]
• Rube: [looking on] Wow!
• [Patrick's body curls into a spiral. SpongeBob and Patrick have their arms cross. Patrick's arm stretches out. Rube stares in amazement. Patrick forms the word "Fun", SpongeBob's pants are a dash, and SpongeBob forms the word "Believable".]
• Rube: Ooh-hoo! Now, that's [points at the word] fun-believable! [smiles]
• [The scene is shown on Squidward's screen.]
• Squidward: [to viewers] Horrible! [presses remote] Click. [iris out on Rube]