Boating Buddies/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Boating Buddies" from season 6, which aired on August 7, 2008.

• [The episode starts at SpongeBob's house. Inside, SpongeBob is brushing Gary's shell.]
• SpongeBob: 97, 98, 99, 100. Okay, Gary, let's do the other side now. [he stops and looks behind him] Gary, can you hear that? [Gary is confused, then SpongeBob walks outside, hands raised to his ears, and over to Squidward] Oh, Squidward, it's you. I thought I heard something.
• Squidward: SpongeBob, I've been sitting here motionless for 45 minutes. What could you possibly have heard me doing?
• SpongeBob: Breathing.
• Squidward: SpongeBob, I will give you $5 if you let me enjoy the rest of my morning, in peace.
• SpongeBob: [half of his head flips open while he talks] Okay! [Squidward takes out his wallet]
• Squidward: Hey, I could have sworn I had $5 in here.
• SpongeBob: I have it, Squidward, you gave it to me to leave you alone yesterday. [Squidward gets up] Squidward, you can have the $5 back. Mr. Krabs says--
• Squidward: I don't care what Mr. Krabs says! I just want-- [bangs on the table, and the liquid in his cup spills on him]
• SpongeBob: Coffee rain!
• Squidward: It's hot chocolate. [walks away]
• SpongeBob: Chocolate rain! [Squidward is still walking] Squidward! [Squidward runs screaming] Squidward, wait! [scene then shows both of them running for a while, then Squidward gets to his boat. Tries to open it but can't.]
• Squidward: It's locked!
• SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! [Squidward screams, then jumps in the boat, then tries to start it but it won't start]
• Squidward: Huh? [realizes the key isn't there] The key! Oh, where did I put that stupid...
• SpongeBob: [as he is yelling, Squidward is searching] Squidward! Squidward!
• Squidward: Oh, why can't I just find that-? [SpongeBob makes it to the boat]
• SpongeBob: Squidward?
• Squidward: [yells in SpongeBob's face as usual] What?!
• SpongeBob: You left your keys on the table back there. [Squidward starts the boat] Hey, Squidward?
• Squidward: Yes?
• SpongeBob: Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?
• Squidward: Oh. [laughs] That was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it.
• SpongeBob: Why?
• Squidward: So I could get further away from you! [rushes off and drives away laughing. Pebbles are flying onto SpongeBob's face. SpongeBob is now entirely covered in pebbles and lifts his right arm to wave goodbye to Squidward.]
• SpongeBob: Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward.
• Squidward: Bon voyage, nincompoop! [as he looks back on SpongeBob, he drives through a stop sign, and then sees in the rearview mirror that he's being followed by a police car] What the? [pulls over, then the policeman walks up] Can I help you, officer?
• Policeman: [the stop sign Squidward crashed into is on his head] No, but you can help yourself to this ticket.
• Squidward: [gasps] Ticket? Officer, please! I have impeccable boat smarts! I pride myself in obtaining an un-soiled driving record! It's all that I have!
• Policeman: Well, you can have it again, right after you complete boating school. [drives off]
• Squidward: Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo...?
• [Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff's boating school, where Squidward is walking]
• Squidward: Boating school. Blegh. [knocks on door] Oh, well, it's just one day out of your life, Squiddy. How bad can it be? [SpongeBob opens the door]
• SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! [Squidward cries, then the bell rings]
• Mrs. Puff: Good morning, class. Would everyone please take a seat? [SpongeBob sits]
• SpongeBob: Psst. Squidward, sit here. Here.
• Squidward: Um, excuse me, there doesn't seem to be any empty seats left.
• Mrs. Puff: But there's one right next to SpongeBob. [Squidward sits down. SpongeBob touches Squidward]
• Squidward: Do you mind?
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. We're boating buddies now! I'll teach you everything I know, and then we can-
• Squidward: "We" won't be doing anything, because there is no we! Understand?
• Mrs. Puff: Quiet in the front, please.
• SpongeBob: Oh, I understand. I understand perfectly, [winks at Squiward] boating buddy.
• Mrs. Puff: Okay class, how about we get to know our new students, by telling each other why we were sentenced to- I mean why we are enrolled in boating school.
• Student: Um, I got caught speeding.
• Mrs. Puff: Very good. Next.
• Student: I don't see what's so very good about it.
• Mrs. Puff: No, I didn't mean very...
• Student: [sighs] I know exactly what you meant.
• Mrs. Puff: Next.
• SpongeBob: I am here because I-
• Mrs. Puff: We all know why you're here, SpongeBob. What about you, sir? [referring to Squidward]
• Squidward: Me?
• Mrs. Puff: Yes. Would you like to tell the rest of the class, why you're with us today?
• Squidward: Why I'm- [notices SpongeBob is staring at him while breathing heavily] All right, I'll tell you. I was trying to get away....from him! [SpongeBob continues breathing] He is the bane of my existence!
• Mrs. Puff: Yours too? Uhh... what I meant to say was, please come up to the chalkboard and draw a diagram of the incident.
• Squidward: Gladly. [begins drawing what he is saying] It all started when I left my house. [adds some dots to the drawing of his house] And then, he appeared. [frustratedly makes a drawing of SpongeBob] He made an immediate right turn and parked here. [referring to Squidward's house] Seeing the oncoming hazard, I looked both ways and proceeded safely toward my vehicle. It was then, that I realized that I was being followed at an unsafe distance. So, in order to create more optimal driving conditions, I was forced to then par-take in [screeches the chalk board] evasive action. And by increasing speed slightly, I created a safety cushion, while inadvertently attracting the attention of said law enforcement official. May I sit down now, sweet cheeks?
• Mrs. Puff: Why, certainly. And perhaps now, SpongeBob would like to come up and illustrate his side of the story.
• Squidward: His side?!
• SpongeBob: Well, first, I started over here. And then I went wayyyyyyy over here. Do-do-do-do-do, like that. And then, I went around like this, and over here like that, and across this lane, and then down here and over here like this, and then... [continues writing, without SpongeBob's speaking being heard as Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" plays in the background] ...and then I came around and stopped right here.
• Everyone: [reading the blackboard] "SpongeBob and Squidward, best boating buddies, forever"?
• Student: What the? [all are confused, then SpongeBob sits down]
• SpongeBob: Do you like it, Squidward?
• Squidward: Shut it. [the bell rings. The clock shows 12:00.]
• [Bubble transition to everyone eating lunch. SpongeBob, holding a lunch tray with a hot dog and grape juice, is sitting next to Squidward, who is eating a sandwich.]
• SpongeBob: Ah, lunch time, eh, boating buddy? [sits down while Squidward walks away, over to the trash cans]
• Squidward: I'll have to eat over here, just like back in grade school. [is about to eat, then SpongeBob pops up from a trash can]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, do you get any extra mustard in there? [Squidward runs away screaming]
• [Bubble transition to the bathroom, where Squidward is eating the sandwich.]
• Squidward: Mmm, Bon appétit, Squiddy. [is about to eat, but then hears a flush. He then sees what appears to be SpongeBob's feet in the other stall. Squidward growls angrily, walks out of the bathroom stall, and throws his sandwich on the ground. He then starts pounding his fist on the door of the stall thinking that SpongeBob was seen in.] You've ruined my morning, you've ruined my lunch, and you're ruining my... [door opens, revealing that it's a muscular tough fish reading "The Daily Chronical" newspaper, with feet that look like SpongeBob's. Squidward freaks out as the muscular fish comes right at him. The scene cuts to Squidward walking to his seat, bandaged up.]
• Mrs. Puff: Okay, class, it's time for our behind the wheel lesson. Squidward, you'll be riding with SpongeBob.
• Squidward: Eh, didn't see that coming.
• [Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff, Squidward, and SpongeBob in a boat at the starting line.]
• Mrs. Puff: Now, we're going to take this nice and slow. SpongeBob, what do we do when pulling away from the curb?
• SpongeBob: Uh, step on the gas?
• Mrs. Puff: Good. Nice and easy. Now let's slowly...[SpongeBob pushes the gas pedal too hard, and Mrs. Puff screams.]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, look out! [they bump through the cones, then they barge out through the fence, then they go through a red light, he then gives the wheel] SpongeBob, give me that wheel!
• SpongeBob: I got it, I got it. [they fight over it]
• Squidward: Don't... just let go of it! [the steering wheel breaks, and Mrs. Puff panics. They make a sharp right turn, barely missing grandma.]
• Grandma: Hooligans!
• [Mrs. Puff, Squidward, and SpongeBob scream as they drive through the Barg'N-Mart. The three, holding a turkey, a pair of carrots, and a milk carton, respectively, continue to scream as they ran into the Costume Supplies shop as the toaster oven times-up bell sounds. The three are now dressed up as a witch with an axe, a chef, and a gorilla, respectively. They then scream as they drive into the Top Secret Laboratory and Research Facility.]
• Scientist 1: Johnson, I finally figured out a way to shrink an ordinary mailman, down to the size of a grain of sand.
• Scientist 2: But how?
• Scientist 1: By using this shrink ray. [pulls a lever that turns it on, then the boat comes in, and they get shrunk instead]
• Scientist 2: Mother of mercy! [they shrink] Where'd they go?
• Scientist 1: There! They're heading right for that discarded potato chip. [the mailman growls]
• Scientist 2: What's the matter?
• Scientist 1: Potato chips are his favorite snack.
• [The mailman breaks out]
• Scientist 1: Johnson! No!
• [The mailman takes the chip and is about to eat it, but then gets sprayed with water by the second scientist.]
• Scientist 2: No, no, no.
• [The chip drops on the floor and breaks in half, then Mrs. Puff, SpongeBob, and Squidward make a break for it into a drain. The scene then cuts to a cowboy heading to a water drinking fountain, but as he starts drinking out of it, Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob come out of it and return to their normal sizes.]
• Cowboy: I never will understand these city folk.
• SpongeBob: Hey, where'd Squidward go?
• [The scene cuts to the tough fish from earlier whistling while entering a bathroom stall, locking the lock until he hears Squidward returning to normal size in the toilet, making the fish furious at him.]
• Squidward: [nervously sweating] I was just leaving.
• [The scene cuts to SpongeBob back in the classroom until he hears and see Squidward enter the room all bandaged up with crutches.]
• Mrs. Puff: Okay class, it's time to take our final exam. Please have your pencils ready.
• SpongeBob: Pst, hey, boating buddy? [Squidward looks at him] If you need any help, I've taken this test hundreds of times... [Squidward cuts him off]
• Squidward: [furious] How many times do I have to tell you?! I am not your buddy! I don't need your help, [close-up of his face] and I don't need you! Ever! Now, just kindly let me take this stupid test, so I can get out of here and never have to see you again for the rest of my life!
• SpongeBob: [sadly] Okay, Squidward, if that's the way you want it.
• Squidward: Thank you. [tries to pick up his pencil, then picks it up in both hands, but then it drops and rolls out the room]
• Mrs. Puff: 3 more minutes, class.
• Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob, I need your help.
• Mrs. Puff: 2 more minutes.
• Squidward: SpongeBob, please? This is important.
• SpongeBob: You said you didn't need my help, Squidward, and that you didn't need me.
• Squidward: No, no, I didn't. I never said that. [a student plays back what Squidward said] I don't need your help, and I don't need you! [now talking] Jerk. [the student shrugs] All right, I said it. But that was before.
• SpongeBob: Before what?
• Squidward: [nervously] Before-- before--
• Mrs. Puff: 1 more minute, class.
• Squidward: Before we were... [gulps] boating buddies.
• SpongeBob: Yay!
• Mrs. Puff: Okay, class, time's up.
• Squidward: Time can't be up! I didn't even get a chance to fill in a single answer! What am I supposed to do?
• Mrs. Puff: You do the same thing that everybody else does who failed the test. You take it again next week.
• Squidward: Next week?
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've never gotten one answer right on this test. But we'll meet again next week, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School! [The scene cuts to the camera zooming out from the exterior of the boating school. Squidward screams as the episode ends.]