Unidentified Flailing Octopus/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Unidentified Flailing Octopus" from season 15, which aired on December 5, 2024.

• [The episode opens with a Bikini Bottom news flash. It starts with a television perspective of a wide shot of a flying saucer alongside with the "Bikini Bottom News" logo on the bottom right, then the scene cuts to the video without said perspective.]
• Perch Perkins: This just in, [various videos of varying crop circles are shown] new evidence that unidentified flying objects [images of aliens' shadows are then shown] have been secretly visiting Bikini Bottom for years!
• [The scene then cuts to Perch Perkins talking to General Grouper.]
• Perch Perkins: General, what are the chances that these photos and videos are just a hoax?
• General Grouper: 99.99999%.
• Perch Perkins: [as the camera pans out of the television] There you have it, conclusive proof that there is a .00001% chance [the scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick laying on the floor watching the news broadcast at the former's house] UFOs are real!
• SpongeBob: That means there could be evidence of [flails his hands] UFOs anywhere!
• Patrick: Let's go find some!
• [The two of them put on tinfoil hats and pull out flashlights.]
• SpongeBob: [as he exits the scene] Here, alien!
• Patrick: [exits the scene to the right] Alien! Alien!
• [The scene cuts to a shot of SpongeBob's house, with SpongeBob exiting through the top window and Patrick exiting through the bottom; they briefly look around with the flashlights then walk up to the roof to continue looking around with their flashlights, which results in the light making its way through Squidward's window and then Squidward's eyes, which makes him wake up and scream. The camera pans from an outer shot of Squidward's house to a giggling SpongeBob and Patrick walking in circles on Squidward's next-door garden.]
• Squidward: [from his right window] It's the middle of the night, what are you two idiots doing?
• Patrick: We found an alien crop circle!
• Squidward: It's only a crop circle because you're stomping on my begonias!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Huh? [they step away from the garden]
• Patrick: Okay. Yeah, that is us.
• SpongeBob: We're hunting space aliens and UFOs!
• Squidward: Space aliens and [wiggles his arms and shakes his head] UFOs do not exist! Go to sleep! [dashes back inside and closes his window]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick blink at his house, then starts running in circles around Squidward's house with their flashlights on, which still bugs Squidward, who is growling in frustrating briefly then reaches his limit.]
• Squidward: Okay! You wanna see space aliens? I'll show ya space aliens!
• [The scene cuts to a shot of Squidward's mailbox, then the camera pans to SpongeBob and Patrick.]
• Patrick: This could definitely be a UFO!
• [They both stare at the mailbox until a hand-made "UFO" floats upon them.]
• SpongeBob: [gasps] A real UFO!
• [They run in circles around said "UFO."]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: First contact! First contact! First contact!
• [The camera pans to reveal Squidward actually controlling the UFO with it being tied to a string, which is tied to a stick. He then waves his tentacles around a theremin, making a soprano sound.]
• SpongeBob: [while hugging Patrick (he does the same)] Woah... [they then start taking pictures] Intergalatic!
• [The scene cuts to Squidward swinging the stick around.]
• Patrick: [off-screen] Spacey!
• SpongeBob: [off-screen] Cosmic!
• [They continue taking pictures until the "UFO" hits them; they land on the street and watch it ascend.]
• Patrick: We just got hit by a flying saucer!
• SpongeBob: Yeah! Cool! Yeah!
• Patrick: Yeah! Cool!
• [They both cheer until Squidward - wearing an alien face mask - approaches them and taps Patrick.]
• Squidward: Greetings, earthlings.
• SpongeBob: [somewhat intimidated] A r-r-r-r-r-real space alien! [casually] Greetings, sir!
• Squidward: [laughs, then takes off the mask] It's me, you tinfoiled twits! It was all me! Space aliens don't exist, got it?
• SpongeBob: [as he and Patrick are about to take off the tinfoil hats] Thank you, Squidward. [they take them off and look down in shame] We can see now how silly we really were... I know! Let's play superheroes instead!
• Patrick: Yeah! At least we know they're real!
• [SpongeBob puts on his Mermaid Man wig, starfish nose, and gloves while Patrick puts on his Barnacle Boy hat, nose and face band and run off laughing. Squidward walks back to his house.]
• Squidward: Idiots. [closes the door]
• [Just then - by sheer coincidence - a UFO lowers and parks itself in front of Squidward's house, then a pathway does too. Two tiki aliens walk out of the UFO.]
• Tiki alien #1: At last! Evidence of our ancient aquatic ancestors!
• Tiki alien #2: We must take the artifact back to our ship! We'll be rich! Rich, I say!
• [They both laugh as they tilt their heads.]
• Squidward: [from his left window] I told you two space aliens don't exist! Go away! [closes the window]
• Tiki alien #1: Oh no! The artifact is invested with a parasite!
• Tiki alien #2: We must eradicate it before our departure.
• Tiki alien #1: I'm telling ya, it's always something.
• [The scene cuts to Squidward sleeping, then the aliens teleport in the room beside him. One of them pulls out a green spray can which has of a "no access" sign on Squidward as its logo and starts shaking it, which startles Squidward awake.]
• Squidward: Huh? Who-who-who's there?
• [One of the aliens sprays Squidward, which results in his eyes gaining mouths and screaming, then he does too, albeit briefly; his eyes fall out of his sockets, gain limbs and run jump into his toilet to cool off. The scene then cuts to the aliens approaching a no-eye Squidward, who is intimidated and runs to his dresser, opens a drawer and throws his polo shirts away; the alien with the spray can dodges the shirts but one of them hits it in the face. Frustrated, the alien sprays some more, but Squidward pulls out a hair dryer as defense and blows away the cloud, which instead hits the aliens.]
• Squidward: A-ha!
• Tiki alien #2: My holes, my holes! [they dash off] Oh, my holes!
• [The scene cuts to the aliens leaving the house covering their "eyes."]
• Squidward: [opening another drawer] Thank Neptune I have my readers! [grabs the pair of eyes which ironically were reading a book titled "The Sophisticated Mind"; he puts them on and blinks twice] Have SpongeBob and Patrick gone [swirls his hand beside his head] cuckoo? [growls in anger and dashes outside] You!
• [Tiki alien #1 wipes one of alien #2's eyeholes, then they both notice him. Squidward runs to them, jumps while screen, then lands on his knees on their bodies.]
• Squidward: SpongeBob and Patrick, take off those stupid masks! I know it's you! [grabs tiki alien #1's head and attempts to pull it out]
• Tiki alien #1: Stop it, you're hurting me!
• Tiki alien #2: [attempting to crawl away] Mayday, Mayday! We need backup!
• [Squidward then tries to pull out both of their heads until he hears clattering; he takes a look at SpongeBob's house, which has its top window lit. The scene cuts to a closeup shot of the window, which showcases SpongeBob and Patrick running around in their costumes.]
• Squidward: Will you two shut up in there? I'm trying [wobbles the tiki aliens' necks] to get your heads- [realizes the aliens are not them] de... off?
• [A closeup shot of the aliens is shown.]
• Squidward: Those nimrods were right! Aliens are real! [screams as he runs to bang on SpongeBob's door] SpongeBob, let me in! You were right! Tell Patrick you were right!
• Tiki alien #1: Success! The vermin has evacuated!
• Tiki alien #2: Let's take the artifact to our ship before that [makes his nose in the shape of Squidward's] horrible stinkbug comes back. [they teleport into the ship]
• [A huge motherboard ship takes in the UFO, much to Squidward's intimidation. The motherboard then starts eradicating and abducting Squidward's house off the ground and into the ship respectively.]
• Squidward: No! Wait, wait, [runs to the house] wait, wait, wait! [grabs onto one of the pipes]
• [When the motherboard fully takes in Squidward's house, the scene cuts to the inside of the ship, where the house is floating briefly before falling onto Squidward and the ground. The door opens to reveal Squidward erecting from the hardwood floor, then he notices two tiki aliens entering the area.]
• Tiki alien painter #1: So I says, I'll show you a tractor beam! [they both laugh as they walk to Squidward's house, where the other painter starts painting it green, with the first painter following]
• Squidward: All right, who's in charge [throws away the leftover hardwood he had on his head] here? I wanna speak to the manager!
• Tiki alien painter #2: Manager?
• Squidward: [sighs, then spaces his words out like an alien] Take me to your leader.
• Tiki alien painter #2: That would be our supervisor. His office is down this hall, you just make a left and a right-
• Tiki alien #1: Don't talk to him! He's the vermin we eradicated!
• Tiki alien painter #1: [walks to the other painter] Looks like somebody failed eradication class! [they both laugh and fist bump]
• Tiki alien #1: Zip it! I outrank you both!
• Squidward: [walks to the aliens] I want you to put home back where you found it!
• Tiki alien #1: Could you step forward? I'm hard of hearing.
• Squidward: [as he does so] Sure. And another [the camera pans to a tiki alien holding a lever] thing!
• [As Squidward says the next line, the alien pulls the lever, then the camera pans to a giant tiki container under a pipe, which pours a green substance to the tip, then it flips downward, causing the green substance to drench into Squidward.]
• Squidward: What's the big idea of coming to my planet taking my house out of my yard just to make it look like your stupid head? [the substance covers him and he is yelling and trying to get a hold of them, but he is muffled]
• Tiki alien #2: Talking vermin of the worst kind, am I right?
• Tiki alien #1: Just so it is not a total loss, I say we run some tests, and [nudges the second alien] do a probe!
• Tiki alien #2: Hooray! [dashes off to a rope; he pulls it] We're doing a probe!
• Tiki aliens and painters: [they chant "probe" as colors flash and signs that say "Probe!" appear]
• Squidward: Probe? [the painters carry him off to another room, squeeze him out of the substance, and into a table; his wrists and legs are locked in]
• [One of the painters press a button which lifts the table forward.]
• Tiki alien #1: X-ray!
• [A painter presses a button which summons an x-ray from above in front of Squidward.]
• Tiki alien #1: Despite the large cranium, the brain seems below average size.
• Squidward: Hey...
• [The tiki alien notices Squidward's heart beating.]
• Tiki alien #1: High blood pressure. Better watch that temper... [walks away from the x-ray] Rotate neck.
• [One of the painters presses a button which makes the x-ray ascend, then grabs his neck and starts cranking it, which causes Squidward's eyes to inflate, pop out of his sockets, then both of them let go of his neck, causing him to retract back to the table.]
• Tiki alien #1: Nose hose!
• [One of the painters erect upwards with a hose, then both of them plug hoses into Squidward's nostrils, and inflate his nose, which holds a huge capacity of oxygen.]
• Tiki alien #1: Impressive storage space. Now for the [pulls out a tool consisting of a drill, pincher and saw wheel] fun part.
• Squidward: [takes a deep breath and holds it causing his nose to explode and blows away the aliens]
• [Both of the tiki aliens land on a lever, which unlocks Squidward's limbs from the table.]
• Squidward: Freedom! [dashes out; a tiki alien notices him running away and blows a horn]
• [Various tiki aliens line up and assemble to chase Squidward, who into a testing room. He notices aliens are being capsulated, and tubes are connected to a huge tiki head, resemble the build of the tiki aliens' heads; an egg comes out of the mouth.]
• Tiki alien baby: [its egg cracks open] Daddy!
• [Squidward stares in disbelief at the alien, and runs out of the room screaming and jumps out of a ship window; he finds himself in the bounds of space then uses his tentacles' suction cup to pull himself up and back into the ship, then finds himself in the midst of a circle of the aliens, ready to probe the octopus. They carry a screaming Squidward back to the table and the tiki alien with the tool seen earlier appears, approaching him.]
• Squidward: No, please don't probe me!
• [Just then, the tool turns into an ink pen, the aliens holding said pen puts on reading glasses and taps the pen on his tongue.]
• Squidward: Huh?
• Tiki alien #1: [as an alien pushes his chair beside Squidward] In this probe, I will be asking you embarrassing questions about your childhood.
• Squidward: Well, I guess I did have trouble making friends...
• French narrator: Many repressed memories later...
• Squidward: [the alien has a fatigued expression] Then when I was three, I said "momsy, I told you I don't like kelp juice," and she said, "well, I don't like being called [the alien starts growling in frustration] momsy," and then-
• Tiki aliens: Enough!
• [The motherboard ship turns to the side and starts flying back to Conch Street. They plant Squidward's house back where it was, albeit upside down. His mailbox - containing a stuffed-inside Squidward - is also planted back where it was as well. The scene cuts to the entrance of SpongeBob and Patrick, who watch the motherboard while smiling.]
• Tiki alien #1: [off-screen] Good riddance, vermin! [now on-screen] Keep you dumb old artifact!
• Tiki alien #2: And you can keep your mother stories too! Oy vey!
• [The motherboard quickly ascends away.]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, if I didn't know better, I'd be thinking that was a real alien spaceship!
• Patrick: But we do know better, huh Squidward?
• Squidward: I was wrong, okay? Aliens are real! I was on their ship! And I was telling them about my mother! And-and-and-and-
• SpongeBob: [shuts him up] We get it, Squidward.
• Patrick: Aliens don't exist!
• Squidward: But they do exist- [Patrick closes the mailbox lid on his nose, then he sighs] Of course.
• [The episode - with an iris the shape of a UFO - irises out to his nose.]