UpWard/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "UpWard" from season 15, which aired on December 3, 2024.

[The episode opens at the Art Museum, where Lady Upturn, an art critic, and Regigilled are walking down the hall.]
Art critic: Ah, Lady Upturn, always a delight to have you back at our gallery!
Lady Upturn: I am bored by the art in my home. What do you have that's new and interesting? [sniffs a pineapple taped to a wall] Ick!
Art critic: [puts his hands on Lady Upturn's shoulders] Why, I've been saving our newest and finest pieces [walks forward with her] just for you! [they step into another room] This work is by one of our emerging artists!
Lady Upturn: [sticks out tongue] Bleh!
[The art shown is a cubist style painting of SpongeBob, an abstract painting of Patrick holding a smaller Patrick, and Patrick in a suit with a green apple in front of his face.]
Lady Upturn: [off-screen] Where did they emerge from, under a rock?
Patrick: [runs in wearing an artist outfit and holding a paintbrush and palette] Ah! How did you know?
Art critic: Lady Upturn, I am so, so, sorry. I should have never shown you that dreck.
[He pulls a giant lever on the wall. Patrick and one of his paintings fall into a hole and are incinerated.]
Art critic: Never fear. [spreads arms] This next work is guaranteed to excite! [snaps his fingers]
[A fish in a tuxedo wheels in three anchovies in tights.]
Art critic: Bikini Bottom's premier dance troupe has created [raises finger] a performance so new, even they don't know what it is yet.
[Lady Upturn rubs her chin in consideration. The art critic claps. Spotlights activate and a red light tints the screen. The anchovies pose, then dance erratically to jazz music as the colors change.]
Lady Upturn: Yawn. Moving in time to music is hardly new. [to art critic] This does nothing for me either.
[The critic pulls the lever again. One anchovy is biting another's leg. They fall into a trapdoor and are incinerated.]
Art critic: But surely there's something here you'll enjoy!
Lady Upturn: No, I'm afraid not. Regigilled!
Regigilled: [enters the room quickly]
Lady Upturn: I need a walk to clear my mind. [folds her arms] Carry me.
Regigilled: Very good, ma'am. [gets on all fours, struggles as Lady Upturn sits on him, exits the room]
Art critic: Alas, I have failed! [pulls the lever, falls down a trapdoor, and incinerates himself] Ow.
[Bubble transition to Jellyfish Fields. Two fish are having a picnic, a guy is walking his worm, and Cindy and Incidental 11 are jellyfishing.]
Jellyfisher: [runs past, chasing a jellyfish] Whoo! [laughs]
[Squidward is sitting on a rock. He opens a case and takes out his clarinet, inhales, and starts playing it.]
Incidental 11: Oh! [covers her ears with all her tentacles]
Cindy: [catches jellyfish in her net, stings herself, falls over dizzy]
Guy: [high pitched female scream]
Worm: [wolf howling]
[Two fish on a picnic blanket fall over, roll themselves up, get into their picnic basket, and hop away.]
Jellyfisher: [covering her ears, runs away, screaming]
[Some jellyfish fly near Lady Upturn's hair, and she waves them all except one away.]
Lady Upturn: [curious] Oh?
Regigilled: [disgusted] Oh... My apologies, madam. I shall remove your person from this cacophony at once.
Lady Upturn: No, no, Regigilled. Take me closer. [points to Squidward]
Regigilled: [covers ears] Ooh, as you wish. [walks away, then stops]
Lady Upturn: [calling to Squidward] You there! [Squidward stops playing] Yes, you!
Squidward: [gets angry, shakes clarinet] I'm allowed to play my clarinet here! It's a free ocean, you know! I'm not stopping!
Lady Upturn: Stop? [pushes on Regigilled's head] Oh, I wouldn't [walks towards him] dream of it. That is the most interesting and avant-garde music I have heard in years! Oh, it is sublime. Do you have a patron? [puts hand on her chest] I simply must be yours!
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, very funny. [looks around] What is this, [looks in his clarinet] one of those hidden camera TV prank shows?
Lady Upturn: Heavens, no. Television is the lowest form of art. Regigilled, pay the man.
Squidward: You can't just buy the soul of a raw talent like myself.
[Regigilled puts a bunch of dollars in Squidward's clarinet case. A cash register bell dings.]
Squidward: [packs up case, walking away] Lady, you just bought yourself an artist.
[Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab. Squidward kicks the doors open.]
Squidward: Hello, losers!
SpongeBob: [turns his body around to face Squidward] Hi, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: [puts money in register] What's with all the joy, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: I'm a paid musician now. [folds arms]
Mr. Krabs: You? Musician? Paid? [laughing]
Squidward: [shakes fist] Laugh all you want, but it's [raises finger] true. I don't need this minimum-wage prison anymore. I quit! [walks away]
Mr. Krabs: [laughing]
[Squidward walks outside. An extremely long limo drives past the Krusty Krab and honks.]
Mr. Krabs: [laughs, then stops] Huh?
[The front of the limo appears. Squidward gets in and it drives away. Mr. Krabs' face is still shocked.]
SpongeBob: [holds on to Mr. Krabs] Wow! Squidward's dreams are finally coming true.
[The limo pulls up to Lady Upturn's mansion. Regigilled opens the doors. Lady Upturn and Squidward walk in.]
Lady Upturn: Welcome to your new home, Mr. Tentacles. [pan across the room, they walk upstairs]
Squidward: Oh, my, it's incredible. But where are you going to live?
Regigilled: [groans]
Lady Upturn: [laughs] The mansion is mine. You just get one tiny room. [opens door]
Squidward: [gasps]
[A fancy room is seen with a bunch of musical instruments. There is a window with a live-action mermaid swimming in the water.]
Live-action mermaid: [giggling]
[Squidward walks up to a music stand.]
Lady Upturn: [happy] I cannot wait to show you off to my wealthy, taste-making friends, so you better get writing.
Squidward: [salutes] Yes, ma'am, ma'am!
Lady Upturn: [walks away, waving] Toodle-oo, you genius, you.
[Squidward looks at three clarinets on display and grabs one. He thinks of a piece and then writes it down while playing the clarinet badly. Records and a vase shatter, a painting cracks, and another burns. Three statues grimace and then move away. The glass of lemonade shatters and the music stand lights on fire. A bunch of coins fall down the screen. Inside Lady Upturn's, Squidward is wearing a different outfit as anchovies wheel carts past him. Back in the studio, he writes, gets frustrated, sweeps the paper away, and writes more intently. He uses one of the octopus servants as a music stand. Regigilled passes by, carrying platters while wearing earplugs. The octopus servant lights on fire. Another one pulls a safe full of money past the screen. In a store display, a clarinet is seen. Another case is put and a golden clarinet is inside. Squidward takes off his glasses and smile. Cut to him in his room, wearing a long cape. One of the octopus servants trips over it. Squidward blows her away with the clarinet. Music sheets transition to Regigilled holding a rope. He pulls it and a bunch of coins and bills dump on Squidward, who is in a swimmer's outfit. Money and coins transition to Squidward riding on Regigilled, who is driving his recumbent bicycle. One octopus sergeant is pulling a cart with a sculpted statue of handsome Squidward playing the clarinet on it. Squidward dances and laughs as music sheets and bills surround him. Transition to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs' face is still frozen, with a "Yes We're Open!" sign hung on his nose and a cobweb in his mouth. A fish bites a Krabby Patty and ketchup squirts on the table, so SpongeBob wipes it up. This happens two more times. The limo pulls up and Squidward exits, wearing a different outfit.]
Squidward: Out of my way, [flips fish's tray away] peon.
Fish: [kneels and walks away] So sorry, my lord.
SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward. That was very, uh, confident of you.
Squidward: Being an artist requires having an artist's temperament... you boob. [snaps tentacles, Regigilled gives him a golden clarinet in a pillow] What took you so long? Now, then, I'm only here to invite you both to my big debut concert.
[He plays sour notes that blow tickets into SpongeBob's and Mr. Krabs' faces.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
Squidward: Witness my rebirth on the grandest stage in Bikini Bottom... [looking behind him] if you can get the time off. [laughing, exits]
Mr. Krabs: [growls] Somehow, he's even more annoying now than when he worked here.
[The horn honks. Mr. Krabs is about to tear up his ticket when SpongeBob stops him.]
SpongeBob: Wait, Mr. Krabs. Squidward is just being insufferable because his [spreads arms, sparkles appear] dreams are coming true. We have to go and support him. We're his friends.
Mr. Krabs: Well, "friends" is a strong word, but fine.
[Bubble transition to the Famed Bikini Bottom Opera House. A giant crowd of fish is outside and there are posters and billboards of Squidward. In his dressing room, Squidward is sitting on an anchovy. Regigilled applies a powder puff to Squidward's face.]
SpongeBob: [opens door] Hiya, Squidward. Mr. Krabs and I just wanted to wish you luck before your big show.
Squidward: [scoffs] Luck? Don't be stupid. I'm the greatest musician who ever lived. Rich people say so.
[He takes out an issue of Rich People Magazine, which has the header "The Greatest Musician Who Ever Lived" and an illustration of Squidward standing on Squilliam.]
Mr. Krabs: Can't argue with money.
Squidward: [waving them away] Now, go find your seats. [Regigilled applies nail polish to his hands, which have realistic nails] I'm in the middle of my pre-show ritual, and I don't want to be bothered.
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: [shrug] Eh? [leave]
[They sit down in the audience. Chatter is heard. A spotlight shines on the stage and Lady Upturn steps in it, to a microphone.]
Lady Upturn: Good evening, music lovers. Like me, I'm sure you are tired of the same old notes being played the same old ways. Well, fear not. Tonight you will finally hear something new. Tonight, I present to you Mr. Squidward Tentacles.
[The curtains raise and Squidward steps out, wearing glasses and clothes made of leaves.]
Squidward: Forget your wedding. Forget the birth of your first child. This is going to be the greatest night of your [takes off leaf clothes as a flash of light appears] lives!
Crowd: [gasping, applause]
[Squidward starts playing the clarinet, badly. The orchestra members groan and are disgusted. Squidward plays into the microphone. A fancy anchovy screams and faints. He plays at a fancy teal fish, whose head explodes. Fishes' heads are exploding and some run around on fire. The spotlight shines at Lady Upturn and a doctor in the balcony seats. Lady Upturn is enjoying the music, while the doctor covers his ears.]
Lady Upturn: Oh, isn't it dazzling, Doctor? [electricity crackles from her hair] Oh. [laughing]
Doctor: [puts on a stethoscope, inspects her hair] Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. [puts stethoscope away] Pardon me, Lady Upturn. May I...?
Lady Upturn: Of course, Dr. Fishberg.
[The doctor takes off Lady Upturn's hair, revealing a jellyfish plugging her ears with its tentacles.]
Doctor: Lady Upturn, there's a jellyfish blocking your ears.
Lady Upturn: Oh, goodness! It must have gotten stuck up there during my walk through Jellyfish Fields. [the doctor takes it off, Squidward's bad playing is heard] Oh. Is that what he really sounds like? This music is terrible!
Doctor: Indeed. [points to his ears] The jellyfish's buzzing must have altered the noise to be more pleasurable for you.
Lady Upturn: Oh! [runs off, the doctor slumps in his chair]
Squidward: [plays, inhales, keeps playing]
Lady Upturn: [grabs mic] Stop that racket! Stop it!
Squidward: How dare you interrupt m--
Lady Upturn: I have a confession to make. [feedback whines, points to her ears] A jellyfish was obstructing my ears, so I hadn't truly heard this fraud's music. And now that I have... I am... offended!
Squidward: Hey!
Lady Upturn: To make up for this abysmal performance, I would like to invite you all back to my home to experience real music by my newest artiste... [gestures] Maestro Patrick Star!
Squidward: What!?
[Patrick walks out to applause as a spotlight shines on him. Patrick bows, takes the lid off a jar of mayonnaise, and rubs his hand around in it. Farting sounds to the tune of "Blue Danube" are heard.]
Fancy anchovy: [comes back to life, laughs]
Fancy teal fish: [head comes back] Yay!
[Patrick walks down the aisle. Lady Upturn follows him, laughing, and the orchestra walks away. The audience follows Patrick and Lady Upturn.]
Squidward: Huh? Oh... [falls]
[Regigilled takes Squidward's clothes and knocks his glasses off. Squidward gets sad. He sees SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs in the audience, cheering with jellyfish in their ears.]
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: Whoo! Go, Squidward! Encore! Encore! We want more! [whistles] We want more!
Squidward: Do you really mean it?
Mr. Krabs: Of course. [points to jellyfish] We've got jellyfish.
Squidward: Huh. I'll take what I can get. [starts playing badly]
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: Yeah! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Come on, Squidward! [cheering]
[Outside the opera house, a couple jellyfish are listening. One flies past the screen. The episode irises out on a billboard of Squidward.]