Abandon Twits/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Abandon Twits" from season 13, which aired on January 20, 2023.

• [The episode begins with SpongeBob and Squidward walking out of the Krusty Krab, feeling tired after a long day at work.]
• Squidward: End of another 18-hour shift of misery.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, ahoy there! [closes the doors of the Krusty Krab and walks over to SpongeBob and Squidward] And what do you two laddies have planned for this weekend?
• SpongeBob: I'm polishing Gary's shell! [SpongeBob's face turns into a polisher and he uses it on Squidward]
• Squidward: Well I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance! [dances as red, blue, and yellow lights flash quickly behind him]
• Mr. Krabs: [narrows eyes] Uh, well, that's uh, fascinating...
• Mr. Krabs: [slides over to SpongeBob and Squidward] Hey! Instead of that malarkey, what would you say to a leisurely sailing trip on me brand new yacht? Huh? [laughs]
• Mr. Krabs: The sun in your face? [sun shines down on SpongeBob's face]
• Mr. Krabs: The wind in your uh... uh... tentacles.
• Squidward: [sighs] Well, I wouldn't mind a nice relaxing ocean cruise.
• Mr. Krabs: Great! I'll see you at the dock bright early tomorrow morning.
• French Narrator: The next morning...
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I'm all dressed up and ready to snorkel.
• Squidward: What a second!
• SpongeBob: Uh... Mr. Krabs, where's your ship?
• Squidward: Something smells fishy.
• Mr. Krabs: Don't get your missy massy in the twist. I've got your ship right there. Some estimated required.
• Squidward: We have to build the ship?!
• SpongeBob: Yay! We get to build the ship!
• Mr. Krabs: Pre-made vessels are for landlubbers! Real sailors build their own ships! Now get to work you two! And as a old navy man, I'll be responsible for the most difficult part.
• Squidward: And that would be...
• Mr. Krabs: Supervising! [snores]
• Squidward: Old navy mam? Ha! More like old lazy man. [sighs] Oh, boy. Alright, let's get this over with. Now where are the instructions?
• SpongeBob: I'll find them! [gets the instructions] Got them! Hmm... Step one.
• Squidward: Gimme that! Aaah! Now what are we supposed to do?
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward! I know how to handle this situation!
• Squidward: Oh, really?
• SpongeBob: We just need to follow our hearts.
• Squidward: [sighs]
• SpongeBob: Squidward! I got the first piece!
• Squidward: Uh... SpongeBob, you clam head, you don't put up the mast first!
• SpongeBob: What's that, Squidward?!
• Squidward: I said SpongeBob, you clam head... You have to start with the frame. [bubble transition] Alright now, bend it into a boat shape. [bubble transition]
• SpongeBob: Tickle, tickle, tickle!
• Squidward: SpongeBob, wood planks are not... [the wood plank laughs] Uh... Ticklish.
• French Narrator: Many frame-building attempts later...
• SpongeBob: We did it, Squidward! Put 'er there!
• Squidward: Hooray!
• Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Huh? [growls] What in the name of all the salty are you doing? You're wasting expensive lumber-er-er!
• Squidward: We're trying to build a ship's frame, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs spits]
• Mr. Krabs: Building the frame?! They give you one already to go!
• SpongeBob: Ooh!
• Mr. Krabs: Take a gander, boyo.
• SpongeBob: I'm ship-shaped, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: Now get back to work! The tides going out.
• [The two buddies are working together.]
• SpongeBob: A stubborn one, eh? Squidward! Did you see an anchor?! I think I dropped one!
• Squidward: Why don't we switch places? You work down here, and I work up there! [sighs] Much safer. Never work below and idiot.
• SpongeBob: Oops! Look out above!
• Squidward: Above? That's it! [hooks SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward. Have you seen a safe up here? I think I dropped it.
• Squidward: From now on, you're working next to me. Where I can keep an eye on you.
• SpongeBob: Aww! That's so sweet, Squidward. [hugs Squidward]
• French Narrator: Even more boat-building attempts later...
• SpongeBob: Wow. Mr. Krabs! Your ship is finished!
• Squidward: We use the turn ship very seriously.
• Mr. Krabs: Hmm... A little off the beam. Hmm... [gets an idea] I know! All she needs is a nice shiny coat of paint! [paints the ship] The S.S. Sea-Cret Formula is ready to set sail! As soon as you two drag her into the lagoon. Mush!
• Squidward: Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.
• Mr. Krabs: Not so fast, Mr. Squidward! You still have work to do.
• Squidward: Huh? Work?!
• Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the grand opening of the Krusty Krab of the high seas! And even I of the high seas. [laughs, then winks at the camera]
• Squidward: Huh! Forget it! I am not moving from this spot!
• Mr. Krabs: No problem.
• Squidward: [confused on what just happened] Huh?
• "[Squidward's hat then gets knocked off by his Krusty Krew hat on a rope, the Galley Grub sign is placed above him, with the text "But on a Boat!" under it. Behind Squidward, SpongeBob pulls up a blind that reveals a kitchen, and places a metal order window with a bell above it.]
• SpongeBob: [through the order window] How exciting, Squidward! I get to flip patties and be... [face turns green and SpongeBob holds his mouth] ...seasick at the same time. [he then turns away to vomit]
• Squidward: [angry, due to his weekend being wasted for the Krusty Krab] We're not gonna sell any food in the middle of a lagoon!
• "[While saying this, Patrick, somehow, gets carried up to the dock by a wave, wearing a light green snorkel and face mask and a darker green flippers, spins around, and immediately gets up to order.]"
• Patrick: I'd like one Krabby Patty combo, with extra combo on it!
• "[Patrick quickly gives Squidward the payment, which Squidward takes. Squidward then looks behind him to see SpongeBob flipping patties, like he said earlier. SpongeBob then lays the finished meal, rings the bell above him, and immediately vomits again.]"
• Squidward: Your order.
• Patrick: At ease, sailor! [he salutes Squidward]
• "[Patrick then walks away from the register, and puts back on the face mask. He also uses his snorkel as a drinking straw.]
• Squidward: [sighs]
• [Patrick, while holding his tray that contains his Krabby Combo, with extra combo on it, goes to a diving board on a side of the S.S. Sea-Cret Formula and prepares a jump to get back into the Lagoon, but instead falls onto the tray face first, which in turn, makes him fall onto the diving board, and falls off the diving board, with the tray and himself falling the opposite way.]"