A Place for Pets/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "A Place for Pets" from season 13, which aired on October 22, 2020.

[The episode opens up to a shot of the Krusty Krab zooming in towards the front entrance with Fred walking into the restaurant. It then transitions to inside the restaurant where we see customers eating and Squidward delivering food to tables.]
Squidward: Order for...
[Incidentals 41 and 42 show looks of excitement as they quickly snatch their food from the plate Squidward is holding. It then shows them eating their food like a bunch of slobs and getting Soda all over Squidward.]
Squidward: Eugh, oh. Disgusting. You people eat like animal... animal... achoo!
[Squidward sneezes and it causes him to slam his head into the plate getting the two soda cups getting stuck in his eyes. He then pushes his eyes through the bottom of the soda cups and uses them as binoculars as he looks at the table next to him.]
Ms. Mildred: Oh, who's my baby? Oh, who's my baby?
[Ms. Mildred feeds her pet worm who is coming out of her purse a small Krabby Patty. Squidward then pulls the soda cups off of his eyes which results in his eyeballs becoming small. He then walks over to Ms. Mildred's table.]
Squidward: Oh no. You cannot bring a worm in here. It's unclean! And some of us are allergi... Achoo!
[Squidward then hits his head on the table as Ms. Mildred and her worm look at him very surprised. Mr. Krabs then rushes onscreen.]
Mr. Krabs: What's with all the sniffy fits out here, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: It's not my fault, Mr. Krabs! She snuck a pet into the restaurant!
Ms. Mildred: Oh! I didn't know my sweet little Fifi wasn't allowed.
[Fifi then whines at Mr. Krabs with a sad face and then Squidward sneezes all over both Mr. Krabs and Fifi resulting in her hair flying onto Mr. Krabs's eyestalks. Fifi then strains and manages to make her hair to grow back instantly.]
Mr. Krabs: Well, your sweet little Foo-Foo is gotta go, we got a strict policy, [points at sign] no pets allowed.
Mrs. Mildred: What a shame, Krabby Patties are all my Fee-Fee will eat these days, I would have gladly paid double the price, it it only meant she could have her favorite food...
Mr. Krabs: Huh? [Changes the sign] There. all fixed! [Shows Mrs. Mildred the sign] See? Now: Pets, Allowed!
Larry: It's great that the pets are eating and all but I'm still hungry... [Pans over to the Krusty Krab where a customer's worm eats Krabby Patties of the floor and smiles in a silly way]
Patrick: I wish I was a pet, so I could eat off the floor.
Bubble Bass: You are eating off the floor.
Patrick: Yeah but, I want to eat Krabby Patties off the floor!
Larry: The pink dude might have the right idea guys, if we dress up as pets...
Fred: We can trick Krabs into serving us, of course!
Plankton: If you want to make costumes I have a craft corner.
[Everyone runs to the craft corner to make animal costumes.]
Old Man Walker: Has anyone seen the glue?
Plankton: [evil laugh] [he gets inside Spot's body] Now's my chance to sneak into the Krusty Krab in my pet, Spot.
Spot: Bark, bark!
Plankton: [evil laugh] Hey... what's happening? [Plankton is being digested by Spot] No, Spot! Stop digesting me, Spot! Spot! [screams, and then Spot excretes his eye, then he wanders away.]
Plankton: Barnacles...
[Meanwhile back at the Krusty Krab, everyone is eating chum while Mr. Krabs puts money away]
Mr. Krabs: Into the wall you go! [shocked] What the?
Fred: Oh boy, I mean arf arf! I'm hungry!
Tom: [laughs] Woof woof!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward?
Squidward: Yes Mr.- achoo! Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Why don't all these new pets have patties in front of them, I'm running a business, not a showdown.
Bubble Bass: Greetings fellow lagomorph. Perhaps you might consider sharing a slither of your b- I'm gonna chase the-
Patrick: Pet fight!
Fred: My leg!
Squidward: No no no, bad scallops, aah!
SpongeBob: Who's ready for... a violent brawl? Stop please! The Krusty Krab is a place of peace. The health inspector?
All of the customers: The health inspector?
Health Inspector: Uh... roar?
SpongeBob: [confused] But, I thought you said people and pets can't eat together.
Bubble Bass: [angrily] Yeah, what are you doing here?
Mr. Krabs: [angrily] This whole mess is your fault.
[The angry crowds starts cornering the Health Inspector.]
Health Inspector: [slowly walking back to the wall] I was just hungry for a Krabby Patty. We've all been there, right? Plus, I..uh..., I've learned something today. SpongeBob, give me a bouncy "C", would ya?
SpongeBob: [Grabs a stool and starts playing a piano] Oooh, gladly!!
Health Inspector: [Starts singing to the music] Pets, are people too, just like me, just like you. Yes, whatever you like to do, there a pet who likes it too! There's a pet for people who like to run and one for people who don't. A pet for folks who avoid the sun, and for those who should but won't! A pet for people who sing and dance, a pet for people who cry! A pet for people who take a chance and for those with just one eye! Yes, no matter what we say or do, there's just one thing I know is true: We all eat patties, yes we do! And every pet likes eating them too! Because...
Everyone: Pets are people too! Just like me, just like you! Yes, whatever you like to do, there's a pet who's just like you, just like you! Pets! [everyone is exhausted after singing]
Health Inspector: Phew! Pets and people deserve to eat side by side! [SpongeBob gets excited after seeing the health inspector scraps the contract]
Mr. Krabs: Yes! And a round of patties for everyone - not on the house! [everyone cheers, bubble wipe to the next scene with pets and people eating together]
Incidental 160: Gosh, mister! You've got more customers here than I've ever seen!
Mr. Krabs: 'Course I do! Didn't you hear the song? Pets are people too!
Incidental 160: Well, if they count as people... [rips his disguise and a Fire marshal comes out]
Fire marshal: ...Then they count as fire hazards! I'm the fire marshal, and you're over capacity, Krabs! Shut 'er down! Everyone out!
Mr. Krabs: What? No! [everyone grumbles and leaves as the fire marshal hold the door] Wait, come back, come back! Me pet profits! [starts crying] I'm ruined!
SpongeBob: Hey, uh, Mr. Krabs? I was planning on taking a Krabby Patty home to my Gare-Bear. You could overcharge me if you want.
Mr. Krabs: R-R-Really? Thanks, boyo! [Him and SpongeBob hug] You're a good minimum wage employee! [Squidward falls from the roof]
Squidward: [stands up groaning] Achoo! [the camera iris closes on his nose and Squidward pulls it away as the episode ends]