Hysterical History/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Hysterical History" from season 14, which aired on July 18, 2024.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are walking Sandy, who is blindfolded, along the sidewalk in downtown Bikini Bottom.]
SpongeBob: [laughs] Okay, Sandy. Your surprise is just a few more steps away.
Patrick: [giggles]
Sandy: Gosh, fellas. I can't wait to--
SpongeBob and Patrick: [take off Sandy's blindfold] Surprise!
Sandy: [sees they are in front of the Museum of Bikini Bottom History, gasps] The Museum of Bikini Bottom History? How'd y'all know to take me here?
SpongeBob: You gave us these [holds up envelope] invitations.
Patrick: [chews, holds out envelope with tongue]
Sandy: And boy, am I [grabs SpongeBob and Patrick with her arms] glad I did. [walks with them over to the entrance] I'm just itchin' to learn all about the rich history of Bikini Bottom. And I [holds up notepad and pencil] will be taking notes. My research is gonna be featured in a scientific journal. [holds up magazine] "The Naval Gazette."
Patrick: [looking at his belly button with a magnifying] I love gazing at my navel. Hi. [tosses magnifying glass away and pushes SpongeBob and Sandy inside, head still lowered] Well, what are we waiting for?
[They all bump into Old Man Walker, who is the security guard.]
Old Man Walker: Tickets, please.
SpongeBob: [holding up three tickets] Here you go.
Old Man Walker: [slowly reaches for the tickets and finally grabs them] Eh. Let's see here. [counting tickets] One, two, uh, I lost my place. [mumbles]
SpongeBob: [looking at a small sign that says "Bikini Bottom's OLDEST Security Guard"] Look, the [points] first artifact. "Bikini Bottom's Oldest Security Guard."
Sandy: [moves SpongeBob aside] They should dust these [takes her tail and dusts Old Man Walker] old robots.
Old Man Walker: [slaps Sandy] Hey! Can't you read? [gestures to nearby sign] It says "No Touching!"
Sandy: [giggles nervously] Sorry. Uh...
Old Man Walker: Alright, youngsters, in you go. [wags finger] Now don't cause any trouble, or you'll have to answer to me. [laughs, stammers as he notices the three left already] What? Hello? Eh. [falls asleep on his walker, snoring]
SpongeBob: [entering a new room with Patrick and Sandy] Welcome to the ancient past. Before Bikini Bottom was Bikini Bottom. They say the exhibits here date back at least one gazillion years.
Sandy: Uh, you sure about that math?
SpongeBob: [stupidly] Duh, me do [gives two thumbs up] math good!
Sandy: [shrugs, sketches a brain with a question mark above it, then gasps as she sees a sand mound in an exhibit] Look here, fellas. Millions of years ago, this here land was called Bikini Top. The elevation was lowered due to natural erosion.
Patrick: Ugh. That's not what happened.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Sandy. We'll tell you the true story.
Patrick: Yeah. [waving arms] It goes like this.
[Scene fades to primitive versions of SpongeBob and Patrick on the sand mound, who scratch themselves. Primitive Patrick sucks his arm, and Primitive SpongeBob sniffs his finger after placing it on Primitive Patrick's back.]
Patrick: [voiceover] A gazillion years ago, Bikini Top was hit by a humongous anchor.
[An anchor falls out of the sky and crushes the sand mound and the primitive versions of SpongeBob and Patrick.]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] The anchor flattened the hill to the bottom of the ocean, which is why it's called Bikini Bottom.
Patrick: [voiceover] And then, the anchor was so heavy that a bunch of buildings [buildings pop up near the anchor] got popped up out of the ground.
Primitive SpongeBob: [comes out of his pineapple home and looks around]
Primitive Patrick: [his rock opens as he is seen attached to it, then falls down on his face]
Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick: [yell as the Bikini Bottom sign emerges from the ground]
Primitive SpongeBob: Bikini Bottom?
Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming, acting like animals, which then transitions to SpongeBob and Patrick doing the same thing]
Sandy: You mean to tell me the very anchor we're standing inside now is the one that created Bikini Bottom?
SpongeBob: [stupidly bumping heads with Patrick] Uh-huh.
Sandy: [clicks pen and sketches a bull on her notepad] I see. [cow moos]
[Bubble transition to a shot of elevator buttons on a wall. The red one lights up and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy come out.]
Sandy: Looks like this floor covers Bikini Bottom's [puts cowgirl hat on, horse neighs] old pioneer days.
SpongeBob: Wow. [approaches the rock from "Pizza Delivery" and hugs it] A genuine antique rock. The pioneers used to ride these babies for miles.
Patrick: I wanna try! [lands on the rock from above] Giddy up! [slaps rock]
Rock: [neighs and runs around with Patrick on it]
Patrick: Whoa! Hey! Calm down! Whoa! [rock breaks off a statue's head]
Sandy: I gotcha! [throws her lasso at Patrick]
Patrick: [screams, gets grabbed by the lasso]
Sandy: [twirling Patrick around as SpongeBob claps along] Woo-hoo! Yippie-yo-ki-yay!
Patrick: [screams as Old Man Walker angrily comes in]
Old Man Walker: Hey! [grabs Patrick] No trickropin'! [tosses Patrick and walks away] Darn hooligans.
Rock: [neighs, crushes Old Man Walker]
Sandy: [laughs nervously] Sorry, sir! [runs off with SpongeBob and Patrick]
SpongeBob: [gesturing to a sea urchin with udders] Look, Sandy. In the old days, the pioneers used to milk [grabbing udders] dairy urchins on their homesteads.
[Fade to Mr. Krabs in a cowboy outfit milking an urchin.]
Mr. Krabs: [whistling]
SpongeBob: [voiceover as milk lands in the bucket] It was a simple, honest life, [Mr. Krabs picks up the bucket and pets the urchin] without an ounce of greed.
Mr. Krabs: Another full pail, Bessie. I reckon I can barter for quite a bit with this. [laughs, then his claw gets a hole and screams] Maybe for some thicker gloves.
Patrick: [voiceover, Plankton appears riding Spot, then three cowboys riding seahorses] But the pioneers have to watch out for those dirty, stinky outlaws.
Mr. Krabs: [gasps as the others circle him and the urchin] Oh, no! It's the Grungy Gang! [stink lines appear from the cowboys] Oh, I knew somethin' smelled fishy.
Hammerhead shark cowboy: [spits]
Plankton: [laughs while floating on Spot] We're here to take that valuable little urchin off your hands. Eh, claws.
Filthy Star: Not so fast, you filthy felons. [pan over to him being ridden by Sheriff Pants]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] Fortunately, Sheriff Pants and [Sheriff Pants pulls out a sugar cube, which he feeds Filthy Star] Filthy Star brought law and order to the land.
Sheriff Pants: [holding bubble wand] We're here to clean up your act.
Plankton: [points] Get 'em, boys! [laughs as he and the cowboys go after them]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [inhale, then blow several bubbles from their wands]
Plankton: [laughs, then gets trapped in a bubble which floats into the sky]
Cowboy: [gets trapped in a bubble] Huh?
Plankton: [all four of them float away in bubbles] Aw, bubbles.
Sheriff Pants and Filthy Star: [exhale into bubble wands]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] And with law came commerce.
Patrick: [voiceover] Thus, [cut to Mr. Krabs hammering in a sign near a shed with bottles] Bikini Bottom's first restaurant was opened. [Mr. Krabs uses a tool to burn text onto the wooden sign] "The Krusty Kreamery.
Sheriff Pants: [gives Filthy Star a bucket of milk to drink, then gives himself one to drink]
[Fade back to the present, where three souvenir milk bags are seen on a table, which have gone bad. Patrick takes one and holds it in front of Sandy.]
Patrick: Care for some souvenir milk?
Sandy: [putting hands out] Uh, I'm not thirsty. Thanks.
Patrick: Suit yourself. [puts the rotten milk into his mouth, sighs]
[Bubble transition to the trio going to another room via elevator.]
Sandy: I reckon we've stepped into Bikini Bottom's industrial revolutioned era. Wow. [horn honks as she looks at an old boat on display] A Model C boat? [reading plaque nearby] Says here--
Patrick: [honks horn in Sandy's face, which makes her cover her ears; he and SpongeBob are riding the boat] Don't read that, Sandy. We'll tell you the real story. SpongeBob, what's the story?
SpongeBob: Well, Bikini Bottom's old [fade into a scene of a factory, where boats are moving along on a conveyor belt] titan of industry, Mr. Puff, [Mr. Puff walks on-screen] ran the first successful boat assembly line.
[Inside the factory, a worker pulls a lever to start the conveyor belt. On the belt, one worker hits a horn with a mallet, and another blows into a tire. The objects move along, and the workers repeat this process.]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] It was important for every worker to perform as efficiently as possible.
[On the assembly line, SpongeBob and Patrick perform the same work the other workers are.]
Mr. Puff: [blows whistle] Speed up line number five!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [salute] Speeding up line number five!
[The conveyor belt speeds up.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Huh? [struggle to work at the faster pace]
Patrick: [stammering]
SpongeBob: [stammers, gets hit and screams, then grabs Patrick as they bounce along the conveyor belt]
Patrick: [voiceover] Sometimes, they get a little too caught up in their work. Hey, watch this one.
[SpongeBob and Patrick get moved along several cogs.]
SpongeBob: Whee! [laughs] Whoa!
[SpongeBob and Patrick land on the belt on top of each other from above as amorphous blobs.]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] But being the shrewd industrialist, Mr. Puff also owned the hospital next door.
[SpongeBob and Patrick get moved into the hospital via conveyor belt, and come out to form a Model C boat. Mr. Puff jumps onto the boat's seat and honks the horn.]
Patrick: Beep! Beep!
Sandy: Now hold it just a darn minute. [flashback ends, looking at her notebook, and sketches a screw and a ball onto her notebook] Ain't no way these screwball stories are true. Lemme read that plaque. "Titan of industry," "assembly line," "injuries," "hospital next door." "Beep, beep"? Well, twist my tail. Y'all were right.
Patrick: Told ya. [pulls out a horn and honks it, which sounds like him going "Beep, beep"]
Sandy: [jotting in notebook as they all enter the elevator] I knew Bikini Bottom's history would be colorful, but I'm starting to have more questions than answers.
SpongeBob: [pointing to "?" button on elevator wall] Maybe this question mark on the top floor is where you get your [presses "?" button] questions answered.
Patrick: You forgot to push these. [pushes all the other elevator floor buttons]
[The elevator closes as they go up the floors. The elevator opens up to see SpongeBob and Patrick in their hippie outfits from "SpongeBob's Last Stand."]
Voice: Psychedelic Sea era.
[Elevator goes to the next floor to see SpongeBob and Patrick in disco outfits on a dance floor.]
Voice: Deep Disco era.
[Elevator goes to the next floor to see SpongeBob and Patrick posing like robots in new wave outfits.]
Voice: New Wave Nitwits era.
[Elevator goes to the next floor to see SpongeBob and Patrick's prototype designs on a pedestal.]
Voice: Nautical Nonsense era.
Sandy: [elevator closes] This sure is a weird museum.
[The elevator light lights up as the trio enter the room and begin walking around.]
Patrick: Uh-huh. I guess this is the ghost exhibit. [claps hands]
SpongeBob: I think it's under construction, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh. I can't wait 'til they put the ghosts in.
Sandy: [gasps upon seeing a large object covered in a cloth] Wait a second. Is this--? [lifts cloth to reveal a contraption with several hands holding denture equipment] A denture applicator? [dentures bite, lifts another cloth to reveal jet boots] Orthopedic jet boots? [lifts another cloth to reveal a laser machine with a bunch of diapers] The atomic adult diaper ray? [diaper ray shoots a laser, which Sandy ducks under] Whoa!
[The laser hits SpongeBob and Patrick, which replaces their pants with diapers.]
SpongeBob: Ooh! [high-fives with Patrick]
SpongeBob and Patrick: We're adults.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laugh as they take off a giant cloth to reveal a "Future Bikini Bottom" model, with elderly people and a giant Old Man Walker statue]
Sandy: What in tarnation? [gasps] This ain't no regular future, fellas. This is a future ruled by Old Man Walker!
Old Man Walker: [statue cracks to reveal himself as the statue] That's right, you hooligans. I said, no touching!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: Sorry.
[The tennis balls at the end of Old Man Walker's walker fall off to reveal a contraption with sharp blades.]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: [nervously sweating]
Old Man Walker: [being held up by a four-legged blade contraption] You three have seen too much. [begins moving] And now I'm gonna get ya. Stay right there.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: [yell and run away]
Patrick: Run! [runs by a cloth that falls over to reveal a googly-eye glasses machine; the cloth covers his face and he runs into SpongeBob]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [scream and bump into Sandy as they fall onto each other]
Old Man Walker: [crawls towards the trio]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: [fearfully mumbling while walking backwards onto a plank outside]
Sandy: [holding hands out] Please, Old Man Walker. We won't tell nobody about the future.
Patrick: [calling out] Hey, everybody! We've seen the future! But it's a secret! Shh!
[A ship horn is heard as the ground shakes.]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: [yell]
[The anchor begins to rise up as the sign falls down.]
Old Man Walker: Uh-oh.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: [yell and fall off the plank, landing through the roof of the gift shop nearby]
Old Man Walker: [shaking fist as the anchor continues rising] Old Man Walker will get you all!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy walking out of the gift shop. Sandy is looking in her notebook, and SpongeBob and Patrick are wearing souvenir attire.]
SpongeBob: Well, there goes Bikini Bottom's entire past, and future.
Patrick: So, Sandy, what'd ya think?
Sandy: [holds out notebook with a sketch of a nut] I'm still skeptical. Bikini Bottom's past was a bit too nuts for this old squirrel.
SpongeBob: But hey. At least Bikini Bottom is normal now.
Mr. Krabs: [screaming as Plankton chases him while controlling a giant robot]
Plankton: [laughing]
Sandy: Yep. Totally [rips apart notebook] normal.