Sand Castles in the Sand/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sand Castles in the Sand" from season 6, which aired on March 16, 2009.

SpongeBob: [knocks on Patrick's rock] Get up, Patrick, it's time. [rock opens up]
Patrick: [barely waking up] Time for what?
SpongeBob: The big shin-dig, Remember?
Patrick: No. Besides, I don't really think my shins should be involved. They're a bit flabby today. [wiggles his foot]
SpongeBob: That's shin dig, buddy. We're spending the day at the beach in the honor of our best friendship.
Patrick: The beach? Just you and me? [SpongeBob rips off his pants showing his swim trunks; Patrick rips off his skin showing his insides] So am I ready for the beach, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Uh... Sure. A little sunscreen and I'm sure you'll be fine. [bubble transition to a bus coming by. SpongeBob and Patrick shove a huge bag of stuff onto it] I'm spending the whole day at the beach with my best friend. [shoves his bag onto a seat with someone sitting in the seat. SpongeBob and Patrick both cram themselves on the same seat along with the guy]
Guy on bus: You're hurting me!
SpongeBob: [taps the guy in front of him on the shoulder] Guess what?
Person in front of him (Harold): [sigh] What?
SpongeBob: I'm going to the beach with my best friend! [taps the bus driver's shoulder] Ooohhhh buuusss drrrivvver?
Bus driver: [crankily] What?!
SpongeBob: Okay, out of everybody on this bus, guess which one is my best friend?
Bus driver: I don't care.
SpongeBob: You know what this situation calls for, Patrick? [SpongeBob takes out a keyboard guitar, and Patrick takes out an accordion] A few verses of the best friend tune! [SpongeBob and Patrick start playing and singing] ♪ Ohhhh best fr- ♪ [the bus stops and SpongeBob and Patrick are kicked off it] Hey, wait! This is not our stop! Oh, how are we going to get to the beach now, Patrick? We don't even know where we are.
Patrick: I knew it! We've been abandoned!
SpongeBob: Doomed! [SpongeBob and Patrick starts sobbing] Oh, you're right, Patrick. No one is ever going to find us out here!
Volleyball player: [hits SpongeBob in the head with a volleyball] A little help, bro?
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick. We made it. Hey, best friend... Check this out. [turns around and his pants appear to be sagging. Reaches in his pants and takes out a Frisbee] It's a small plastic disc that you throw.
Patrick: Small plastic disc that you throw?! [claps] I love to play... small plastic disc that you throw!
SpongeBob: I do too, buddy. If only small plastic disc that you throw had a shorter, catchier name.
Patrick: Oh. Oh! How about small plastic disc that you toss?
SpongeBob: Perfect! Now run along, Patrick, and I'll [winks] toss it to ya!
Patrick: [runs] Ha ha ha ha.
SpongeBob: Ready? [throws Frisbee. Patrick is running and laughing. He steps on two people and kicks sand in a guy's sandwich]
Nat: Ha ha! That's why they call it a "sandwi... [Patrick kicks sand in his mouth while trying to catch the Frisbee. He almost runs into a pane of glass being carried by two workers. He crashes through an ice cream cart, and then into a lifeguard tower]
Patrick: [Underneath rubble of the lifeguard tower, Frisbee lands in his hand] I caught it! [Pants] Wasn't that cool, SpongeBob?
Lifeguard: [pops out from underneath the tower rubble] I can assure you, that was not cool! Just look at what you've done. Your buffoonery has destroyed the lifeguard tower! Why don't you find something to do that's less obnoxious?
Patrick: Like what?
Lifeguard: I don't know. Go play in the sand or something.
Patrick: Well, I don't know. Playing with the sand sounds pretty boring.
SpongeBob: Nonsense, Patrick. There are plenty of fun things to do in the sand. We can draw, or practice our cursive writing, or-
Patrick: Boring, SpongeBob, boring.
SpongeBob: I know, we can make sand castles.
Patrick: That sounds [elbows SpongeBob] un-boring.
SpongeBob: No one's ever been annoyed by a sand castle. [Laughs. Bubble transition to him constructing a sand castle. SpongeBob talks to the man he has drawn in a window of his castle] Nothing quite like the joy of sand castling, eh, buddy? [To Patrick] How ya doing over there?
Patrick: Everything's dandy in Patrick's Kingdom. [randomly pats the sand]
SpongeBob: Oh, a structure like that can't protect a king and his subjects. Here, let me help you. First, you should start all over. [begins rubbing down Patrick's sand mound]
Patrick: Whoa! What are you doing?! You destroyed my castle!
SpongeBob: I'm just trying to help, buddy.
Patrick: I don't need any help.
Patrick's architect: Here are those architectural plans you requested.
Patrick: Why, thank you. Here's a little something for you. [hands architect sand money which promptly disintegrates in his hands]
SpongeBob: Oh, I suppose I should just tend to the affairs of my own realm. [to the little man in his sand castle] And I'll start by making a queen to rule by your side.
Patrick: [throws a ball of sand at SpongeBob's castle, destroying it] Now we're even.
SpongeBob: All right, Patrick, have it your way. [Draws a line in the sand separating the two of them] You keep to your territory and I'll keep to mine. [mumbles to himself and quickly builds an even larger and better castle]
Patrick: [looks at his plans] This'll show SpongeBob that he's not the only one who can build a castle! [builds a castle with spikes on top and a skull and crossbones symbol on the door] Let's see SpongeBob destroy this castle.
SpongeBob: [After seeing Patrick's new castle] I better build a wall just in case King Pinky gets any funny ideas. [starts building a wall, but then notices that Patrick's castle is over the borderline] Oh sir, you built onto my side.
Patrick: So?
SpongeBob: [mad] So you don't do that! [karate chops off the portion of Patrick's castle that is crossing] There, that restores the integrity of our shared border.
Patrick: You tyrant! You've done it again! I'll show you what for. [Builds a hammer out of sand]
SpongeBob: But what for what?!
Patrick: [charges toward SpongeBob's castle, completely destroying it using the hammer] Now we're even. Again!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, I can accept that. No more destruction from this point forward, okay? Okay, back to square one again. [builds a huge sand castle that resembles a real castle, including a window near the top and two sand griffins. SpongeBob looks at Patrick building a sand castle using a telescope. Patrick finishes his castle.]
Patrick: Ah-ha! [stands on the top of his huge sand castle, a bigger fortress with many pointy arrows while SpongeBob looks surprised. Bubble transition to SpongeBob blowing a sand medieval horn]
SpongeBob: I hereby propose a non-aggression treaty to end hostilities between our two kingdoms. [gives Patrick a sand feather and a sand board to sign. Patrick signs it] Patrick, by signing this historic armistice you have brought peace to our lands. May your kingdom prosper. [walks back to his castle, and over his drawbridge] Oh, that went well. [Patrick shoots a sand arrow at SpongeBob's castle] What are you doing?! What about the treaty?
Patrick: [holding up the sand board] This treaty ain't worth the sand it's printed on! [The sand board disintegrates]
SpongeBob: Oh, is that so? Well, if you think you can take down this castle, my answer is: Bring it on! [Patrick laughs and builds an army of horses and knights. SpongeBob clears his throat] Patrick, I'm trying to be the nice guy here, okay? Let's call this silly business off.
Patrick: No way! You started it.
SpongeBob: Fine! Have it your way.
Patrick: [chuckles menacingly to himself] Whatever... [Patrick gasps. He notices SpongeBob with a sand catapult filled with sand boulders, holding a sand axe. A rope is on the catapult, the catapult shines, and SpongeBob raises his eyebrows] Oh no no no no. Oh... [SpongeBob chops the catapult rope, releasing the sand rocks. Patrick screams and the sand rocks from SpongeBob's catapult hurl toward him destroying Patrick's army as he runs into his castle. SpongeBob laughs and blows another horn to call his own army. SpongeBob's army emerges from his castle and charges toward Patrick's castle.]
Sand knight: Attack!
Patrick: Whoa! [SpongeBob's army starts to ram down the door to Patrick's castle while Patrick is building something. SpongeBob's army breaks the door but Patrick had already made a sand cannon] Oh hello... And goodbye. [pulls cannon's string. SpongeBob's army rushes in his castle away from the cannonball] Ah-ha!
SpongeBob: Come on! [closes the door to his castle. The cannonball stops and looks both ways] How do you like them apples? [Cannonball goes over the wall and destroys the army like bowling pins]
Patrick: [laughs from atop his castle] You'll never win! Do you hear me?!
SpongeBob: [puts his thumb on a scanner, entering a high-tech planning room in his castle. Then he talks to a sand general] Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm. Well put, general! We'll create a surprise military diversion and break through enemy lines. What say you? [Sand constructed general starts to fall apart] Yes! We shall ready ourselves immediately! [builds a tank that then crashes through his own castle and towards Patrick's castle] How do you like me now?
Patrick: [has a robot already built that punches through his own castle] I like you this much! [picks up SpongeBob's tank with SpongeBob screaming inside]
SpongeBob: Whoa!
Patrick: Feel me!
SpongeBob: [screams again. He presses a button in his tank blowing up Patrick's robot. He emerges from his tank and sees Patrick unconscious inside his robot head] Patrick? Patrick, are you okay?!
Patrick: [quickly recovers, whispering] Question is... will you be?! [presses a button in his robot head. The robot flies into the air with SpongeBob still hanging on. SpongeBob looks down and sees how high up he is. He then slips and falls through the sky. Then he pulls a sand parachute and laughs] No fair!
SpongeBob: [Floating gently down] All's fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say my friend-enemy?! [pushes a button on a sand remote, and a sand jet flies in. Safely lands on his sand jet and the jet chases the robot head. The jet targets] Let's have some real fun. [pushes a button and missiles shoot towards Patrick's robot head. Patrick screams and tries to avoid the missiles but they're still following it]
Beach onlooker (Scooter): [to his girlfriend next to him] What was that? Come on, we gotta get out of here. [He takes his girlfriend and runs away]
Unknown man: Grab the children! [More people on the beach scream and run away]
Patrick: [calm now] Oh, yeah? Two can play at this game. [Pushes a button. Missiles come out from the sand and launch two fish away. The missiles fly and destroy SpongeBob's missiles. Then the missiles fly towards the jet.]
SpongeBob: [seeing the missiles] Jumping jellyfish! Whoa! [Turns the plane around and manages to attract the missiles to Patrick's castle, which they destroy. SpongeBob laughs. Patrick's robot head meets SpongeBob's plane in the air]
Patrick: I wasn't going to do this. But you've left me no choice. [SpongeBob whimpers. Patrick drops an atomic bomb on SpongeBob's castle]
Griffin: [gasps] Let's beat it, dude. [He and the other griffin fly away as the bomb explodes and destroys the sand castle. Patrick laughs menacingly. Patrick is interrupted by a furious SpongeBob flying his jet directly toward Patrick. Patrick has a worried look on his face. SpongeBob's jet then crashes into Patrick's robot head, causing an explosion and knocking them both out]
SpongeBob: [laying on the ground in pain] Ohhhh. Ohh.
Patrick: [also laying on the ground in pain] Ohhhh. What happened?
SpongeBob: I'll tell you what happened, Patrick... I got carried away.
Patrick: Me, too...was it worth it?
SpongeBob: No, no, it wasn't. What started out as a fun dream turned into a horrible, brutal, nightmare. As the winds of time changed the silvery sands of these dunes to a new landscape, so let us hope that our own winds of change will change our spiritual dunes to a landscape of peace. Oh buddy, let's never forget this lesson. [SpongeBob and Patrick hug]
Lifeguard: Let's also not forget who's going to clean this place up. [camera pans around showing the destruction caused]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oooh, uhhhh...
Lifeguard: [gives Patrick a dustpan and hands SpongeBob a broom] Better get started. You've got a lot of work to do.
Patrick: I bet I can clean up faster than you!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah? I bet you can't!
Patrick: Yes, I can!
SpongeBob: No, I can!
Patrick: Oh, I can!
SpongeBob: I can!
Patrick: Hey, look at this!