SquidBird/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SquidBird" from season 13, which aired on August 10, 2023.

[The episode begins with Squidward dusting off his own sculpture. He inserts a rose between the Squidward sculpture's nose and teeth.]
Squidward: Finally, I've captured the fiery passion that is, moi.
[Some poop falls onto Squidward's sculpture.]
Squidward: Huh? [looks up to the ceiling to notice that there is a clam there] Oh... how did a clam get here?
[The clam poops on Squidward's face. He wipes it away and the remaining poop forms angry eyebrows. Squidward grumbles, grabs a broom, and approaches his statue.]
Squidward: I'll show you for defiling my art! [swings broom] Yyah!
[The broom knocks the sculpture over, making it shatter.]
Squidward: [screams] Look what you've done! My bust is busted!
[The clam chirps and flies out of the window, to Patrick's house. It lands on Patrick's finger and opens to reveal a rolled-up paper.]
Patrick: Oh, boy! A message! [reads it] "Hello... Patrick... from... SporgBub." [puts it down] Ooh, a mystery sender! [closes the clam's mouth with his head, puts it in a cage, takes a pen out of his pants, writes something on the paper, and takes a clam out of the pen] Gotcha! [puts the letter in it, then smacks it on his head and waves at it] Safe travels! [throws the clam into the air] Whoo!
[The clam flies through Squidward's window. The sounds of crashing and Squidward's frustration are heard. The clam flies through the other window to SpongeBob's roof.]
SpongeBob: [excited noises, then sees the clam] Oh, boy! Patrick responded! [the clam opens and he takes out the note] Awww! [on the paper is a very bad drawing of SpongeBob and Patrick] It's a... duck and a chicken... kissing, I think? [a quack and cluck noise are heard]
[SpongeBob's doorbell rings. He puts the clam in a cage.]
SpongeBob: Be right back, clammies! [hums and walks downstairs, then opens the door to see Squidward] Oh, hello, Squidward! Are you trying out a new sunscreen?
Squidward: [covered in clam poop, pauses] ...What? No! It's those stupid clams! Why are they flying through my house?
SpongeBob: They're carrier clams! Patrick and I are ending each other messages.
[A clam lands on SpongeBob's head and coos.]
Squidward: Well, your brainless bivalves are going through my windows and destroying my art! [smacks forehead] Just promise you'll stop sending your clams through my window.
[A clam lands in Squidward's hand and opens its mouth with a letter.]
Squidward: [reads letter] "Behind you?" [turns around to see Patrick]
Patrick: We promise!
[Squidward screams and falls over, then walks away grumbling. Bubble transition to him taking a bubble bath.]
Squidward: Ah, peace and quiet. [relaxes, then the doorbell rings] Huh? Oh, that must be the new marble slabs I ordered! [grabs his towel and opens the front door] Hello? [two clams fly in through the door] What? More clams? [shoos them away and drops his towel] Ah, shoo! Shoo!
[The clams shoot pearls at Squidward. He shields himself and runs out of the house. The clams shut the door behind him and lock him out. Squidward struggles to open the door, puts his ear against it, and hears the clams inside.]
Squidward: Oh, that is it! Time to take matters into my own [pounds fists] tentacles!
[Clams are heard chattering. Patrick looks at his cage of clams.]
Patrick: Hey! It's rude to laugh at Squidward's [points to Squidward] hilarious shame!
[Squidward is naked and covering himself. Bubble transition to a shot of Conch Street. SpongeBob is ringing a triangle on his roof.]
SpongeBob: Patrick! I'm sending over lunch! [throws triangle away]
Patrick: [off-screen] Thank Neptune, I'm starving!
[SpongeBob beckons for the clams and a flock of them rise, holding a paper bag. As the clams take flight, Squidward is hiding behind his house. He laughs sneakily and looks at a clam whistle. When he blows it, the clams zoom off and drop the bag behind. The clams fly behind his house, and construction noises are heard. Squidward wheels out a crate with air holes in it, with the clams trapped inside.]
Squidward: Have fun at the chowder factory! [wheels the box into a Chowder Factory truck, laughs]
[Patrick watches the truck drive past. Squidward grabs the bag and takes out an apple.]
Squidward: Ah, you did it, Squidward. You finally put a stop to those stupid clams. [bites apple]
[A rumbling noise is heard, to Squidward's surprise. He gets flattened by a giant rolling can. the bitten apple lands next to him. The can rolls to Patrick's rock and spins upright to show that it contains clam chowder. A foghorn sounds.]
Patrick: Oh, boy! Chowder! Thanks for the grub, SpongeBob!
[Patrick squishes his head to make his tooth stick out, then jumps on the can and opens it like an electric can opener. The clams fly out, growling. Squidward is rubbing his head and groaning when the clams surround him.]
Squidward: Huh? [nervously] Did you have fun at the chowder factory?
[The clams all spit chowder at Squidward.]
Squidward: [screams] Ow! Hot chowder!
[Bubble transition to Squidward, with welts on his face, growling, staring out the window, and closing the curtains.]
Squidward: Alright, Squidward. [gets into bed] If you can't beat 'em... [puts on headphones] ignore 'em. [puts on sleep mask and laughs]
[Squidward remains in bed as loud crashing is heard. Two of his lamps get knocked over. Squidward grimaces and his eyes pop through his sleep mask. He opens the window and looks outside. Patrick, riding on a flock of clams, smashes his butt into Squidward's face.]
Patrick: Huh? [turns around] Oh, hey, Squidw-- [smashes into the house] Ow!
Squidward: Oh, great. The idiot parade is in town.
Patrick: Oh, no, we don't meet until May. [flips around] Or was it Septembuary? [smashes into house] Ow! I'm just having my carrier clams carry me to SpongeBob's house! [smashes into house] Ow! It's easier this way!
Squidward: Allow me to show you a [pulls out scissors] shortcut!
[Squidward snips the ropes carrying Patrick. Patrick screams as he falls. The clams fly up. Patrick's screaming is heard getting fainter, then getting louder, to Squidward's confusion. Patrick flies back up riding the clams.]
Patrick: [screaming] Oh, hi, Squidward!
[The clams shoot pearls at Squidward.]
Patrick: [waving] Thanks, buddy! [flies to SpongeBob's house] See you in Septembuary!
[The clams fly into SpongeBob's cage, dropping Patrick on the ground.]
SpongeBob: [friendly] Hey! What took you so long?
Patrick: [raises head] I ran into traffic. [flops on the ground, and raises head again] And a house!
Squidward: [off-screen] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oww!
[SpongeBob and Patrick overhear and peek through the leaves of SpongeBob's pineapple. Squidward is screaming and being chased by the clams.]
Patrick: Those clams sure do [clasps hands] love Squidward.
SpongeBob: [looks closer] Oh, I'm not so sure he loves them. Maybe we should train out clams to [raises one hand and motions the other around it] avoid him!
Patrick: [excited] Oh, yeah! Like everybody else does!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick standing in SpongeBob's house, teaching a classroom of clams. SpongeBob points to a chalk drawing of Squidward, draws an arrow over it, and crosses out Squidward. He gestures to Patrick, who puts on a Squidward nose. Patrick shows off and is attacked by the clams.]
SpongeBob: Hmm...
[Clams transition to a box of clam treats on SpongeBob's shelf. SpongeBob puts the treats on the ground, then motions for the clams to stop in place. He blows a whistle and then finds Patrick eating the treats. He glances up and down between Patrick and the treats. Patrick offers him some, but gets attacked by the clams again.]
SpongeBob: [flinches] Hmm...
[Clams transition to Patrick, covered in bandages, walking out of the kitchen. The clams notice him, and he braces himself. However, SpongeBob blows a whistle and is wearing a clam costume. He marches around Patrick as the clams follow him in a circle. Patrick dances. Clam transition to the text "Congratulations Grads!" written on the chalkboard as SpongeBob, Patrick, and the clams all wear graduation caps.]
Patrick: [claps and laughs]
[SpongeBob gives two clams their diplomas. Patrick bites the next diploma out of SpongeBob's hand and eats it. Clam transition to a shot of Squidward's house. A paperboy bikes by.]
Paperboy: Hmmm... [grunts and throws paper]
[The paper hits Squidward's front door. Squidward opens and cautiously looks around.]
Squidward: Hm? Huh?
[He tiptoes outside and hears clams. He shields himself.]
Squidward: Oh, no! Here they come!
[The clams fly past Squidward and into his house.]
Squidward: Huh? [wipes forehead] Phew. [door slams behind him] What the?
[Squidward struggles to open the doorknob, yells and pounds the door with his fists, then looks through the peephole. Clams are dancing in a conga line. They knock over Squidward's bonsai. Squidward growls and then pauses, calming himself down. He grabs the paper.]
Squidward: Well, at least I'm not naked this time.
[Two clams come out of Squidward's house and rip his shirt off. A Bikini Bottom Tours bus drives up.]
Bus driver: ...And on your left, you'll see a naked octopus locked out of his house!
[The bus passengers all takes pictures. Squidward screams and runs behind the house.]
Squidward: [desperately] I can't take it anymore! [seriously] I'll have to fight fire with fire!
[Bubble transition to a teenage delivery man wheeling a giant crate up to Squidward's house. He takes out a clipboard and goes to knock on the door.]
Squidward: [off-screen, whispering] Psst! Over here!
[The delivery man walks to Squidward, who is wearing the newspaper as clothes.]
Delivery man: Sign here to accept the package. [Squidward signs, and he flips the paper] And sign here to accept possibility of injury, maiming, or death. [Squidward signs, and he walks away] Nice knowing you, pal.
Squidward: Finally! My secret weapon! [laughs sneakily]
[Squidward pries the crate open with a crowbar. A giant clam is inside.]
Squidward: A great scallop!
[The giant clam roars in Squidward's face and growls.]
Squidward: [pets it, nervously] Heh heh heh... nice killer clam... Are you hungry?
[The giant clam roars again.]
Squidward: [pries door open] Well, here's a whole buffet! [points inside] Sic 'em, boy!
[The clams are still partying in Squidward's house. The giant clam comes in and roars, scaring them away. It goes into the kitchen and knocks over a fruit bowl, then scares away clams playing poker at the table. The clams fly outside, followed by the big one.]
Squidward: [laughs] Ha, ha! Who's got the clam now? [points at butt] I do! [shakes butt] I got the greatest scallop! I got the greatest scallop!
SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward!
Patrick: Oh, they're so pretty! Look!
Squidward: Huh?
[Squidward sees the giant clam spinning in place as the small ones circle around it. The giant clam jumps over the small ones as a jump rope. It moves up and down the smaller clams as a wavering string, playing a gentle harp melody.]
Squidward: Hey! I bought you to scare those dumb clams, not dance with 'em!
[Squidward picks up a rock and throws it. The giant clam is surrounded by the little clams in a heart shape. When the rock hits it, it growls. It screeches at the other clams, and they all rush towards Squidward.]
SpongeBob: Incoming! [he, Patrick, and Squidward jump out of the way]
[The giant clam smacks into the ground. Squidward screams and rolls away from it. The giant clam spits a pearl. Squidward presses against Patrick's house, and screams towards the incoming pearl.]
SpongeBob: [grabs Squidward and pulls him away] Yoink!
[The pearl pierces through Patrick's house, leaving behind a giant hole in the center.]
Patrick: Boy, is that guy gonna get mad when he gets home!
[SpongeBob and Patrick carry Squidward away from the clams, making panicked effort noises. They all run into Squidward's house. SpongeBob shuts and barricades the door with wooden planks. All the clams circle around Squidward's house.]
Patrick: [panting]
Squidward: There's no escaping them! We're doomed!
SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squidward! At least we have each other!
Squidward: That... doesn't cheer me up. [notices something] Hey! I think the clams left!
[Squidward opens the door. He, SpongeBob, and Patrick peer out. Clams have covered the entirety of Bikini Bottom. The giant clam is atop Squidward's house.]
Squidward: [shuts door] The clams didn't leave. [slumps down]
SpongeBob: Uh... maybe we can just wait 'em out until they migrate? [weak laugh]
Patrick: Yeah. What's another six months? [echoing] Six months? Six months? Six months?
[Suddenly, a giant rumbling is heard. Everyone loses balance.]
Squidward: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What's happening?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [straining noises]
[The house tilts, making them fall with it. Squidward opens one window, and SpongeBob and Patrick open another. The house is being lifted with ropes by the giant clam. The little clams push the house up from the bottom.]
Patrick: I think we're migrating!
SpongeBob: [seriously] Patrick! Commence Operation Shooting Star!
Patrick: What? You mean, like, [points down] jump out of the window?
SpongeBob: [happily] Uh-huh. Yeah. Jump out the window.
Patrick: Oh, okay!
[Patrick grabs SpongeBob and leaps out of the window on him. SpongeBob inflates himself with his thumb and lands softly on the ground. Squidward is worried.]
Patrick: [beckoning] Jump! Squidward! Jump!
SpongeBob: [waving arms] You're next, Squidward!
Squidward: [worried] Uh... Oh no! I'm getting farther away! [harp sound plays] Wait a minute! I'm... getting farther away! [looks down, then waves a handkerchief] So long, boys!
[SpongeBob and Patrick stare up at him, then glance at each other.]
Squidward: I'm finally movin' on up! [laughter]
[The clams drop Squidward's house into a volcano. It erupts lava, then smoke.]
Squidward: [weakly] Still better than living next to SpongeBob.
[The episode irises out on the volcano.]