The Goobfather/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Goobfather" from season 13, which aired on August 9, 2023.

[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab, where Bubble Bass is drinking a shake. SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen with a plate of Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: Your order is ready, Mr. Bass. [trips on a nail] Whoops. [flies through the air] Whoa!
[SpongeBob's plate lands on Bubble Bass's table and bounces up. Bubble Bass gets startled and his shake flies in the air. The ingredients get mixed by the ceiling fan and land in his cup.]
Bubble Bass: Ugh, you've mingled Krabby Patty in my kelp shake! [close-up]
SpongeBob: [reaches for it] Sorry, let me refresh that for you.
Bubble Bass: [holds his hand out] Hold your seahorses. Hmm. [licks it and tastes it] It's greasy, yet cool and refreshing. [drinks it] Fetch me another posthaste! [eats the pickle]
[Customers crowd around Bubble Bass. Mr. Krabs flies in with wings made of money.]
Customer #1: That does look good.
Customer #2: I want one too.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, I sense a money-tunity! [writes "PATTY WHIP $10" on the Galley Grub] The brand-new Patty Whip is now on the menu, available for a moderately exorbitant upcharge. [winks]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob pouring Krabby Patties and their ingredients into a machine. Patrick is pedaling on a bike, tempted by a Patty Whip hanging on a string. Customers give Mr. Krabs their money, who then puts it in the register. Squidward fills a cone with Patty Whip.]
Customers: Can I get two to-go? / Two to-go please.
Mr. Krabs: Keep those Patty Whips coming, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: I'm trying! [pulls the handle and it sprays on him] Ah, bleh!
[Bubble transition to that night. Squidward uses a broom to push an old man out of the restaurant.]
Squidward: Closing time. See you tomorrow.
Old man: [yelps]
Squidward: Finally. [there's a knock at the door] Huh? You can harden your arteries tomorrow. We're closed!
[The door is kicked open and Squidward is sent flying into a trash can. Two muscular men in Goofy Goober's outfits walk in, followed by the Goofy Manager in a black suit.]
Purple goon: The Goobfather would like to have a little talk with your boss.
Mr. Krabs: Goobfather? Aren't you the manager of the Goofy Goober?
Goobfather: That's just my day job. The Goobfather is my true identity. I control all the ice cream trade in this town, and I heard about your little [pulls down menu] fatty flips.
Mr. Krabs: [points to menu] That's Patty Whips. And a little friendly competition never hurt anyone.
Goobfather: [chuckles and pushes menu back up] Of course not, but maybe you should stick to flipping patties and leave the frozen treats to the experts, [tips over SpongeBob's Patty Whip] hmm?
Mr. Krabs: I'm not gonna stop selling my newest moneymaker.
Goobfather: [snaps] Do your stuff, boys. [points]
[The goons take out giant ice cream scoops and pick up a snoring Patrick off his bike.]
Patrick: [snoring] Huh? What? Mama, I want to sing. [gets launched out of the restaurant] Whoa! Ah! [crashes outside]
[The goons destroy the Patty Whip machine with their scoops.]
Goobfather: Be thankful I didn't turn you into gelato. [laughs]
Green goon: Good one, boss.
[SpongeBob turns the lever on the machine, and it sprays Patty Whip in Squidward's face.]
Squidward: Oh!
SpongeBob: Aw. No more Patty Whips.
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, boyo. [points to self] This is me restaurant. And no one tells me what's on me menu but me.
[SpongeBob drinks the Patty Whip off Squidward's head with a straw. Bubble transition to him walking into work the next morning, only to see Fred with a Patty Whip, to his surprise. Customers are eating them again and Squidward is serving them. The machine is repaired.]
SpongeBob: The Patty Whip machine, it's working again!
[Squidward fills cones with Patty Whip and holds them in each of his tentacles, then bounces away.]
Mr. Krabs: I spent all night rebuilding it. Patty Whips are back on the menu!
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, what if the Goobfather and his goober goons come back?
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry. I brought in a little protection meself. Come on out, boys!
[Old Man Walker walks out of the bathroom, followed by Old Man Jenkins.]
SpongeBob: Uh, aren't they a little, uh, elderly?
Old Man Jenkins: We may be a little wrinkly... [bites arm]
Old Man Walker: [flexes] But we're as tough as jerky! [falls over]
Old Man Jenkins: Bleh! [his dentures are stuck on his arm]
Squidward: [serving a kid] We're dead. [the Patty Whip machine sprays him in the face]
[A kid fish walks away, laughing.]
Purple goon: The Goobfather would like to have another little talk.
Goobfather: Well, if it isn't the crab who don't listen. [points] Teach him another lesson, boys!
Mr. Krabs: Not so fast, Goobfather. [snaps, to Jenkins and Walker] Throw these interlopers out of me restaurant!
[Jenkins and Old Man Walker slowly walk up to the goons.]
Old Man Jenkins: Initiate formation 42!
Old Man Walker: [takes off glasses] Hey, look, [points] is that a sale on brass knuckles?
Green goon: Brass knuckles?
Purple goon: Ooh, do they have my size?
[Jenkins gets behind the purple goon and kneels down. Old Man Walker tries to push the goon over but can't. The goon pokes him and he falls over. Jenkins crawls away.]
Old Man Walker: Ooh, sorry!
Old Man Jenkins: Uh-oh, time to skedaddle!
[He runs into the green goon, who jumps on him and crushes him.]
Old Man Walker: Oh, these goons are good. [the green goon grabs him] No!
[The goons throw Old Man Walker and Jenkins into the Patty Whip machine, and they come out as ice cream.]
Old Man Walker: Well, we're whipped.
Goobfather: Next time you hire some muscle, Krabs, [flexes] make sure they have muscles. [claps]
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
[The green goon is holding a rocket launcher and a handful of peanuts.]
Green goon: Eat goobers, you goofballs!
[He shoots peanuts at the bike. The tire blows, it comes loose, and Patrick drives it into the Patty Whip machine, blowing it up.]
Patrick: [yelling]
[The Goobfather and his goons laugh and leave the restaurant.]
Mr. Krabs: Enough of this bilge water! Time to take the fight to the Goobfather's [smacks fist in hand] home turf!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs driving up to Goofy Goober's.]
SpongeBob: [giggles]
[They go behind the restaurant and sneak behind a dumpster. When a waiter comes out, Mr. Krabs uses SpongeBob as a hammer to hit him on the head and knock him out. Mr. Krabs pulls him behind and the dumpster shakes. They come out with SpongeBob as the head and Mr. Krabs as the body.]
SpongeBob: Sorry!
Mr. Krabs: [laughs as they head inside] Oy, keep your eye open for anything worth sabotaging.
Purple goon: Hey, you!
SpongeBob: [nervously] Who, me? Um, um...
Purple goon: Give me a double scoop of kelp swirl with extra sprinkles.
SpongeBob: Coming up! Double K swirl and make it snow!
[He serves the goon the ice cream. The goon walks off happily and licks it.]
Mr. Krabs: [looks around and sees a thermostat] Hmm. That thermostat, that'll do. Now all we need is a distraction.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs! [takes out two ice cream scoops] I've got it handled. [jumps out and poses] Ta-da! [plays the spoons to upbeat music] Oh, yeah! Check me out! Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Green goon: It's so lame, but I can't take my eyes off the guy!
Goobfather: I can feel the rhythm of his scoops in my soul!
SpongeBob: Oh, this is the tricky part!
Mr. Krabs: [turns up the thermostat and laughs] This'll sizzle their sorbet.
SpongeBob: Try and keep up, y'all! Oh, my scoops are on fire!
Purple goon: His funky scoops are so smokin' hot, I'm sweating! [as his ice cream melts]
Goobfather: [sees melting ice cream] Hm? Oh. It's not his spoons. Someone's turned up the heat! The ice cream is going critical!
SpongeBob: Big finish!
Mr. Krabs: [grabs him and runs out of the restaurant] Come on, kid! It's time to blow this ice cream stand before this ice cream stand blows!
[The ice cream cones start exploding. Everyone evacuates the restaurant. Goofy Goober's explodes and is covered in ice cream and fire. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are in the boat.]
Mr. Krabs: Time to cheese it, boyo! [laughs] Never mess with an old Navy man!
Goobfather: [holding a flaming ice cream cone, shakes his fist] Ooh, I'll get you, Krabs, and your little sponge too!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob sweeping outside the Krusty Krab while humming. He sees Goofy Goober's driving towards him.]
Goobfather: Prepare to be annihilated!
[SpongeBob screams and runs away with his mop spinning in midair. He runs back out to grab the mob and goes to Mr. Krabs.]
SpongeBob: [screams] Mr. Krabs, it's the Goobfather! We're about to be hit by a competing restaurant!
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, SpongeBob. [twists his pants] We're ready for 'em!
[Mr. Krabs presses a button on the cash register that raises the register boat to the top of the restaurant. The register is replaced with a steering wheel.]
Mr. Krabs: [as attachments appear] Deploy soft serve cannons! Activate toffee treads! Hot fudge howitzer!
[The restaurant's sign rises. Squidward is spraying a hose full of fudge.]
Mr. Krabs: Start the engines, boyo!
SpongeBob: [salutes] Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs!
[Patrick is asleep on a bike in a hamster wheel. SpongeBob puts ice cream in his mouth and he starts pedaling.]
Patrick: [laughing]
Mr. Krabs: Fire ice cream cannons!
SpongeBob: Firing ice cream cannons! [pulls an ice cream lever to fire shots]
Goobfather: [rapidly spinning his steering wheel] Evasive maneuvers! [screams]
[Goofy Goober's gets hit by the ice cream shots.]
Goobfather: Return fire! Oh, er, return ice cream!
[The goons launch giant spoon catapults with ice cream.]
Purple goon: Have a double scoop!
SpongeBob: [gets hit] Whoa! Ah! Brain freeze!
Squidward: [sprays fudge] Eat hot fudge, villain!
[The purple goon gets sprayed full of fudge.]
Purple goon: Ugh, such sticky yet delicious pain! [falls over] Ugh.
Green goon: [with a sprinkle launcher] Don't forget the sprinkles!
[The sprinkles blast a hole in the front of the restaurant. Mr. Krabs brings out a giant cannon from the back.]
Mr. Krabs: Launch sugar cone drones!
[Ice cream cones home in on Goofy Goober's wheel and explode it. SpongeBob gets hit by ice cream, and the cannon fires at the goons and blasts them away.]
Goobfather: I'm sending you to the deep freeze, Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: In your ice dreams, Goobfather!
[The restuarants drive and crash into each other.]
Squidward: Oh, fudge! [falls off]
[Mr. Krabs climbs out of the rubble.]
Mr. Krabs: Ugh, not giving up!
Goobfather: [climbs out] Me neither!
[Mr. Krabs rips off his shirt revealing his rock hard abs and pecs, and takes out 2 popsicles to use as nunchucks. He twirls them, jumps over them, and whips them. The Goobfather takes out an ice cream cone and presses it to extend some scoops out. They both fight. The Goobfather's ice cream hits Mr. Krabs' chest leaving an ice cream scratch mark. Mr. Krabs samples some of the ice cream left over. He hits the Goobfather with his nunchucks. Suddenly, machinery is heard whirring.]
Mr. Krabs: What's that sound?
Goobfather: It couldn't be!
[The Ice Cream King is riding a blimp.]
Goobfather and Mr. Krabs: The Ice Cream King!?
Ice Cream King: [speaking through megaphone] Cease your hostil-lily-- hostile-- quit fightin'! Ice cream isn't meant for brawling! It's supposed to bring sugar fueled fun, belly aches, and brain freezes to the world!
Mr. Krabs: He's right.
Goobfather: We shouldn't be fighting.
Mr. Krabs: There's plenty of saps-- er, customers in town for both of us.
[Mr. Krabs and the Goobfather eat their weapons and hug.]
Ice Cream King: And if you don't quit fighting, I'll use my ultimate weapon, the ice cream bomb!
Goobfather and Mr. Krabs: Ice cream bomb!?
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Wait!
Goobfather: We've already stopped fighting!
Ice Cream King: What? I-I can't hear you! Uh, hold on, I'll be right down. Bombs away! [hits button and rides down on a giant popsicle, waving his crown] Whoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Yee-ha-haw!
[The ice cream bomb lands on Mr. Krabs and the Goobfather and explodes, covering Bikini Bottom in ice cream. Squidward screams as he is sent through the air. A guy eats the ice cream.]
Guy: Hey, everyone, free ice cream!
[Kids dive into the ice cream and eat it. SpongeBob and Patrick eat it.]
Patrick: Is this a dream?
Bubble Bass: [with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream] Free ice cream forever! [giggles]
Ice Cream King: [pops out of ice cream and laughs] You're welcome!
[The Goobfather and Mr. Krabs come out of the ice cream next to the Ice Cream King.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it looks like we're all out of business.
Squidward: [still chained to the sign] Will someone please get me down? [the clam closes on him] Ow! [sighs] Typical. [the episode ends]