Swamp Mates/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Swamp Mates" from season 12, which aired on April 11, 2020.

[The episode begins with SpongeBob talking to Gary in his library.]
SpongeBob: Are you ready for a bedtime story, Gary?
Gary: [goes into his shell and pops out wearing a night hat and yawns] Meow, meow.
SpongeBob: [twists around his chair and starts wearing a fancy outfit] Good evening, Gary, and welcome to Pat-Star-Piece Theatre. [blows out of his bubble pipe]
[Patrick is shown on a high wheel bicycle drinking tea in front of a red stage with Pat-Star-Piece Theatre written in red. There are two trumpets blowing as well.]
Patrick: Hot, hot, hot! [Patrick falls off the bicycle, and a trumpet falls on his face]
SpongeBob: [pulling his mustache] Hmm. [picks out a book] Would you like to hear an exciting story about Great Sir Patrick and the Fire-Breathing Dragon? [he opens the book and gets burned by the contents inside]
Gary: [scared] Meow. [shaking his head] Meow.
SpongeBob: [closes the book, cleans his face and puts the book back on the shelf] Or perhaps a thrilling tale of explorer Patrick on safari in the jungle! [a lion head comes out of the book and roars at SpongeBob, scaring him while Gary hides in his shell. Once he closes it, SpongeBob pants heavily]
Gary: Meow, meow.
SpongeBob: [puts the book inside a cage] Ah! [he picks out a book called "Swamp Mates." He blows on the dust and flings into his chair] This is a good one. "Swamp Mates," a story of two buffoons in a bog. [he and Gary laugh. SpongeBob opens the book, disgusted by the amount of bugs there are on it] Gee. Once upon a time, there was a saucy superhero with a prognathous posterior, and they called him [SpongeBob turns the page where Bubble Bass is shown] Bubble Bass.
[The scene changes to the First Nautical Bank, with Man Ray running outside with a loot of cash.]
Bank guard: [points to Man Ray] Stop, thief!
[Bubble Bass is seen in his plane targeting Man Ray and obtaining his information. He hits the eject button and dives in mid-air. He smashes his posterior onto Man Ray, and at that moment the Anchor Man pauses the video.]
Anchor Man: Excellent job capturing Man Ray last week, Bubble Bass.
Bubble Bass: Thank you, Anchor Man, [he sits up] he was no match for my [shows his posterior to the crew, with dumbbells on them] mighty heinie! [starts lifting the dumbbells with his posterior, while Anchor Man and the others look with interest. After finishing, he clears his throat] I call this meeting of the Guild of Obsessive Fans, aka G.O.O.F.S [shows his G.O.O.F.S uniform] to order, fellow heroes! Let us welcome our newest member, Wonder Whale! [her chair is shown to be empty as a tumbleweed passes by]
Suburban Dad: Hmm?
Bubble Bass: '[clicks his mouth and looks at his watch] It would appear Wonder Whale is late.
The Chief: [The Chief appears on the screen after a ringing sound occurs] Heroes!
Anchor Man: [he salutes] It's the chief!
The Chief: Wonder Whale isn't late, she's been kidnapped! By the nefarious snare dwell, Hoodoo Guru, the voodoo villain!
[The heroes start gasping in disbelief. An anchor drops on Anchor Man's foot, then Bubble Bass shows his abs]
Bubble Bass: Don't worry, Chief! We'll rescue Wonder Wha-
Mama Bass: [knocks on his door, revealing this whole sequence just to be an imagination] Bubble Bass!
Bubble Bass: Mother?! [his stomach fat slaps on the table]
The Chief: [screams] Your mother! [gets his hand out of the screen to turn it off, then disappearing into static]
Bubble Bass: [grunts and groans as his fantasy is interrupted as he is in his mother's basement]
Mama Bass: [from across the room] Why don't you go outside and make some real friends?
Bubble Bass: Mother, you know direct sunlight gives me gas. [burps loudly] Besides, I'm busy looking for my Wonder Whale... [looks under the couch] action figure.
Mama Bass: I knew you'd say something like that.
Bubble Bass: [angered] Why you...
Mama Bass: So your mother has scheduled a play date for you.
Bubble Bass: I'm not 23 anymore, mother! You'll just have to cancel it!
Mama Bass: Too late, your new friend is already here. Have fun!
Bubble Bass: [walks up the stairs and hears knocking, then opening the door to reveal Patrick at the entrance] Huh?!
Patrick: Heya, buddy! Ready for our playdate? [squeezes Bubble Bass into a tight hug]
Bubble Bass: [slaps Patrick and picks him up to scold him] I will not associate with such a dimwitted doofus.
Patrick: [flattered] Aw, you're just saying that!
Bubble Bass: Ugh! [throws Patrick back outside of the room and slams the door on him, creating a dent in the shape of his body through the door] Ugh! [gasps to see Patrick somehow found his way into the basement] What?!
Patrick: [laughing as he is playing with his Man Ray and Anchor Man action figures, then chews on the Anchor Man figure]
Bubble Bass: [snatches the Man Ray figurine out of his hand] Put those down! [takes the rest of the action figures on the table and hugs them in protection] My poor little things. Don't worry, daddy will protect you.
Patrick: [starts chewing on the Anchor Man figure]
Bubble Bass: [snatches the figure out of his mouth] You've completely chewed up my limited-edition Anchor Man! [a close-up is shown of the action figure, chewed up and covered in saliva. Bubble Bass then groans]
Patrick: Sorry. I'm teething. [a close-up is shown of Patrick's one tooth and his gums pulsating]
Bubble Bass: [groans as his head start to release smoke due to anger]
Patrick: So... What do you want to do for our play date? [wraps his arm around Bubble Bass' neck]
Bubble Bass: [pushes Patrick aside] I have no time for a cretin like you. I must find my Wonder Whale action figure. [walks off to find it]
Patrick: [gets excited and starts making an amused face] Oh? Oh! I'll help you look! [lifts a box upside down filled with other toys and skims through the pile, then throws some of the toys at the wall]
Bubble Bass: Stop it, you clod! [walks over to Patrick] Do not touch any of my property!
Patrick: Oh! That's okay! We can play with my game. [takes out a gigantic bag from his pants and jumps onto it, which leaks out green liquid] Let's play swamp! [opens up the bag to reveal more of the green liquid, which he then pours on the ground as it floods the basement]
Bubble Bass: [screams and becomes repulsed] Wait, stop! What are you doing?! [screams as Patrick creates a flood. The action figures get lost in the flood, and Bubble Bass manages to catch some of them] No! My precious babies!
Patrick: Heh, no problem! I'll fix it! [flushes the toilet, causing the swamp liquid to flush down]
Bubble Bass: [notices his Wonder Whale action figure in the swamp liquid] My Wonder Whale! [runs to catch it]
Patrick: I got it! [tries to catch it but misses. He hangs onto the toilet so he does not get sucked into the swamp drain, where the toy is heading]
[Bubble Bass hangs onto the back of Patrick's short as Patrick hangs onto the toilet seat, which then detaches as both of them get sucked into the drain and find themselves in a swamp forest. After the screen turns to black, Bubble Bass is shown sticking his head out from the swamp pool with the toilet seat around his neck. He gasps for air.]
Bubble Bass: Wonder Whale! Where are you? [is about to drown] I. Require. Assistance! [sinks into the swamp pool]
Patrick: I've got you, play date partner! [grabs Bubble Bass by the toilet seat to save him from drowning. Patrick then starts to lose balance and slips continuously on the log, causing Bubble Bass to spin in circles]
Bubble Bass: [coughs up liquid as he slowly regains consciousness] Where am I? [is startled as he hears an owl howling and looks around] By the enchanted spatula of Suburban Dad... We're in a real swamp! [notices the toilet seat around his neck] Ew! Why am I wearing this collar of shame?
Patrick: I think it looks good on you.
Bubble Bass: [removes the toilet seat from his neck and throws it into the lake] Eugh! I despise nature.
Patrick: Aw, you just haven't given it a chance. Smell that swamp air!
[Patrick inhales deeply and gets a lot of plants and a few firefly-like jellyfish stuck inside his nose, then sneezes them out as the firejellies fly into Bubble Bass' mouth and sting him constantly before flying out and giving him a tongue blister]
Bubble Bass: [looks at his stung tongue] My tongue! [notices Patrick drinking a cup of liquid] Water! Give me water! [takes Patrick's cup and drinks it, but then spits it out in disgust over realizing it is not water, but rather swamp goo] Ew! Where did you get this disgusting liquid?!
Patrick: [drags his cup through the swamp goo and turns it upside down as it drops into his mouth. He then swallows the goo] Ah. [wipes his mouth] Slimy and refreshing.
Bubble Bass: This can't be happening. [preaches out loud] This place is a nightmare! [sobs] I'll never find my Wonder Whale action figure. [they then hear an evil man laughing and see his shadow behind one of the plants. Both Bubble Bass and Patrick gasp] What is that? [the guy is then revealed to have stolen Bubble Bass' Wonder Whale action figure] My Wonder Whale! That crook stole my precious possession! [points his finger at him] Get him!
Patrick: Are we playing tag? I love tag! [jumps off the log and onto the sand, where Bubble Bass swims to. Patrick puts his dirt-covered hand on Bubble Bass' face] Tag, you're it! [laughs, and then the evil man laughs. The man then takes off with Bubble Bass' action figure]
Bubble Bass: After him! [he and Patrick run to chase the villain. Patrick trips over some rocks and lands his face into Bubble Bass' butt. Bubble Bass pushes his butt away from Patrick]
Patrick: Where'd he go?
Bubble Bass: Perhaps he's in that dilapidated dwelling. [points to an old shack house]
Patrick: Doubt it. Maybe he's in that shack? [points to it, and Bubble Bass is angered. They then look through the window of the shack to reveal a blue and green crocodile; the blue one pouring peppers into a machine]
Bubble Bass: Hmph. It's just some uncouth natives. [he and Patrick get grabbed by the heads by a purple crocodile]
Patrick: Hello! [he and Bubble Bass then get thrown into the shack]
Buford: I caught these two a peepin' through the window.
Cletus: They're thieves! Trying to steal our illegal hot sauce!
Bubble Bass: Illegal?
Luther: Our swamp sauce is so spicy, it can blow your head clean off.
Bubble Bass: I assure you we are not interested in your disgusting hot sauce.
Cletus: Then what's he doing?
Patrick: [gulps the bucket of hot sauce, and his head explodes from his body and makes a steam sound, and falls into Bubble Bass' arms] Huh. You call that spicy? [burps out flames, causing the nearby equipment to catch on fire]
Bubble Bass: [aiming Patrick's head at the crocodiles] Back off, you backwater bumpkins! Run!
[Bubble Bass runs with Patrick's head, and Patrick's body runs soon after.]
Cletus: After 'em, boys!
[The crocodiles run after Patrick and Bubble Bass. Patrick's body is exhausted, and his head is panting. Bubble Bass puts Patrick's head back onto his body. They both look behind them, and scream and run away again.]
Cletus: You ain't a-gettin' away that easy!
Luther: [launches a hot pepper from a slingshot] Yee-ha.
[The hot pepper causes an explosion behind Patrick and Bubble Bass. Cletus launches more hot peppers with his slingshot, which explode in the water.]
Bubble Bass: Ha, [taunting with his butt] too slow, you cold-blooded clowns. [he gasps as he sees that the crocodiles are now in a boat heading towards them. He quickly pedals the log forward] Those crocs are catching up with us!
Patrick: [groans; his belly growls] That hot sauce has already caught up with me. [he burps a flame onto Bubble Bass' head]
Bubble Bass: [gasps] That's it!
[Bubble Bass grabs onto Patrick's tongue and wraps it around Patrick, who lets out a flame, both propelling them across and burning the crocodiles.]
Cletus: What?! [their boat stops]
[The scene bubble transitions to Bubble Bass and Patrick on the log.]
Bubble Bass: So, play date partner. What are we supposed to do now? Hmm?
[Patrick gargles the swamp water, and creates a geyser with it while giggling. Bubble Bass facepalms. Bubble Bass then notices the evil man, who still has his Wonder Whale.]
Bubble Bass: Give me back my Wonder Whale! [leaps off of the log, running towards the man]
Hoodoo Guru: Huh? [runs away]
Patrick: [with kelp on his head] Huh? Hey, wait for me, buddy!
Bubble Bass: Come back here! [the man is now in front of a giant rock] You'll swing for this, you ruffian!
Hoodoo Guru: I am afraid you are the ones who will swing. [pulls a rope, causing Patrick and Bubble Bass to be trapped in a net] [laughs] You ignoramuses fell right into my trap.
Patrick: [raises hand] Technically, I'm a doofus.
[The man blinks, and then takes his disguise off to reveal himself as Hoodoo Guru.]
Bubble Bass: Hoodoo Guru the Voodoo Villain? He's real!
Hoodoo Guru: That's right, Bubble Bass, and your precious Wonder Whale is all mine.
Bubble Bass: I dread to think what horrific ritual you will use it for.
Hoodoo Guru: Huh? Ritual, shmitual! [presses a button on the rock; it opens up a shelf of his action figures] I just needed it to complete my collection. [places Wonder Whale onto the shelf]
Bubble Bass: Stealing from a fellow collector? That's despicable! I will thrash you, sir! [tries to break out of the net] Can't break out.
Patrick: [bell rings] You're probably weak from hunger. Here, try some of this spaghetti. [gives Bubble Bass a plate of spaghetti, who eats it all in one slurp]
Bubble Bass: Mmm! [flexes his bicep] Glorious caloric intake! Wherever did you find it?
Patrick: We're sitting on it! [slurps on the net, which is made of spaghetti]
[The net falls apart, and Bubble Bass and Patrick scream as it makes them fall onto Hoodoo Guru.]
Hoodoo Guru: Ouch.
Bubble Bass: [gasps as he takes back his Wonder Whale] Ha ha! Evil never triumphs against a truly obsessive fan!
Patrick: Yeah! Evil never triumphs over a oscillating fan!
Hoodoo Guru: [groans] Hmm? Not so fast, Bubble Bass. I've got one more trick up my sleeve. Or should I say, up my glove! [a woman screams as he pulls a Patrick voodoo doll from his glove; Hoodoo laughs]
Bubble Bass: A Patrick Star action figure? Ha! No collector would touch such trash.
Patrick: Plus, it's a choking hazard.
[Hoodoo makes the voodoo doll raise its arm, making Patrick raise his arm as well. Patrick struggles to put his arm down as it keeps raising itself up.]
Patrick: What's going on?
Bubble Bass: That fiend, Hoodoo, is using his magic voodoo doll powers.
[Hoodoo laughs as he makes Patrick choke Bubble Bass, extending Bubble Bass' arm.]
Patrick: Sorry.
Hoodoo Guru: [grabs the Wonder Whale from Bubble Bass' arm] I'll take that.
[Hoodoo laughs again as he makes Patrick pick up Bubble Bass. He then makes Patrick spin Bubble Bass around.]
Bubble Bass: Stop! I'm allergic to centrifugal force!
[Patrick keeps spinning Bubble Bass around, and eventually tosses him directly into Hoodoo.]
Hoodoo Guru: Uh-oh. [he gets hit by Bubble Bass, making the Patrick voodoo doll fall into the sand. The real Patrick falls into the sand as well]
Bubble Bass: [on top of Hoodoo] Ha! I'll return this to its rightful owner. [taking back his Wonder Whale] Me.
Patrick: [embracing Bubble Bass with his muddy body] Well done, pal.
Bubble Bass: [shoves Patrick back] Eww.
Buford: [emerging from the tall grass] Hey, Luther, Cletus, I found them fellers what blowed up our still!
Patrick: Oh, hi!
[Bubble Bass dashes away, leaving behind a bubble version of himself.]
Bubble: Run. [disappears]
[Patrick and Bubble Bass run away from the crocodiles as they launch hot peppers at them. Hoodoo is running alongside the crocodiles. The hot peppers hit Patrick and Bubble Bass' log, sinking it.]
Bubble Bass: No, our only escape! If only I had something large and buoyant.
Patrick: I don't know what that means, but... [leaps into the swamp on his back] Hop on, friend!
Bubble Bass: Friend?
Patrick: Sure, you're my play date, right, buddy?
Bubble Bass: B-B-B-B-Buddy? [jumps onto Patrick's belly, who paddles away]
[The crocodiles and Hoodoo hop over some tall grass in the boat from earlier. Patrick and Bubble Bass scream, and Bubble Bass pushes Patrick along.]
Hoodoo Guru: It's over, Bubble Bass! Give up!
Bubble Bass: You will never win, Hoodoo, because we have the power of reluctant friendship!
[The crocodiles and Hoodoo gasp and turn the boat around.]
Bubble Bass: Yeah, that's right. Run away from our righteous acquaintance!
Patrick: Uh, they might be running from that. [points to the waterfall in front of them]
[Bubble Bass screams, and they both try paddling away from the stream. Bubble Bass holds onto a rock, but loses his grip, causing him and Patrick to fall down. The screen fades to black as it cuts back to Bubble Bass in the basement. He opens his eyes to Patrick giving him CPR.]
Bubble Bass: [pushes Patrick off of him, coughing and spitting] What happened?
Patrick: Oh, you were dead for like [looks at the tally marks on his arm] 10 minutes.
Bubble Bass: Oh, it was all just a hallucination? Then my Wonder Whale action figure is still missing.
Patrick: Well, you may have lost your toy, but you've gained an indoor pool! [slaps Bubble Bass on the shoulder, causing the Wonder Whale to exit his mouth and land in Bubble Bass' hands] Congratulations!
Bubble Bass: My precious Wonder Whale! [cradles the Wonder Whale]
Mama Bass: [off screen] Bubble Bass! What did you do to my basement?
Bubble Bass: [tugs on his shirt] Perhaps the swamp wasn't so bad after all. [slithers into the swamp water]
Patrick: Best play date ever! [slithers into the swamp water as well]
[The scene fades to black as it cuts to the underground lair. The monitor turns on, showing the Chief.]
The Chief: [grabbing the Patrick action figure] Whoo-hoo! This completes my collection! [presses a button on a SpongeBob figure, which makes it laugh; the episode ends]