All Bot Myself/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "All Bot Myself/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with the S.S. Super Minnow in space. Groaning from Quasar is heard as the ship spins around. Inside the ship, Pat-Tron is giving him a massage.]
Quasar: [groaning] You think that's deep enough, Pat-Tron?
Pat-Tron: Ooh, you want deeper? [begins bashing his arms into Quasar's back, pulling Quasar's spine out of his mouth]
Quasar: Too deep, Pat-Tron!
Pat-Tron: [off-screen] Sorry.
Quasar: [swallows his spine as an alarm goes off]
Female voice: [as Saladrian warships are seen on the giant screen] Saladrian warships approaching. Saladrian warships approaching.
Quasar: [lying exhausted] Oh, thank Neptune.
Announcer: [as words appear on-screen] "Captain Quasar in: All Bot Myself."
[The ship flies past the words, hitting them like bowling pins.]
King Saladrian: [on screen, laughing, twisting bacon mustache] So, Quasar, what do you think of my new mustache?
Quasar: It doesn't suit you.
King Saladrian: [stretching mustache] You'll pay for that. Fire crouton torpedoes!
[The Saladrian warships begin firing croutons at the S.S. Super Minnow, to which it gets spun a few times before blasting off.]
Quasar: Quick, Pat-Tron, we need more power.
Pat-Tron: [sips drink] Aww, [gets up] but I wanted to watch.
Quasar: Just do your job and help me!
Pat-Tron: Fine. [lowers his drink on a button, sounding an alarm]
Quasar: [hand on face] Pat-Tron, did you just press the surrender button? [the ship stops, sending him flying into the screen, breaking it] Whoa!
[The ship holds up a white flag.]
Quasar: Pat-Tron!
Pat-Tron: [approaching, nervous] Yes, captain?
Quasar: [off-screen s Pat-Tron is blasted out of the ship with suitcases] You're fired!
Pat-Tron: But, but-- Ahh!
Quasar: [ship turns around] Uh-- he-heh, truce? [the warships shoot lasers at his ship, creating an explosion to transition to the next scene]
Patrick: Wow, we're having so much fun, aren't we, guys?
Lawnies: [cheering and applauding]
Patrick: Oh, I know [points to a sea bear in a bonnet and high-chair] he is. [holds up a steak on a pole] Here comes the airplane.
Sea bear: [tries to eat the steak, then cries after Patrick yanks it away]
[Pat-Tron lands behind the Star house, creating a mini-explosion.]
Patrick: [drops steak and pole] What was that? [pulls a rope to open the window, then tosses steaks from a bucket to the lawnies] Hey, hold these for me while I go see.
Lawnies: [cheering]
Patrick: [leaving] Bye.
Sea bear: [cackles, tears off the bonnet and high-chair, roars at the lawnies, and chases after them]
Lawnies: [scream and run away]
Pat-Tron: [crying in a pile of rubble as Patrick approaches]
Patrick: Wow. [pulls Pat-Tron up] What's wrong, space junk?
Pat-Tron: It's just that existence is a dismal, meaningless simulation. [sobs]
Patrick: [sobs] That is so sad. And I don't even know what it means. [sobbing with Pat-Tron]
Bunny: Oh, if you're gonna cry like that, [pushes Patrick and Pat-Tron towards her garden] do it in the garden. My underwater lilies are a little dry.
Patrick and Pat-Tron: [sobbing over the garden]
[Wipe transition back to Quasar's now-damaged ship.]
Quasar: Captain's diary, the Saladrians finally got bored of blasting my ship to pieces. Pat-Tron, come clean this-- oh. Right, he's gone. No matter, I'll find a new assistant bot. [presses an app icon on his phone and begins swiping past robot listings] Hmm, I'm not buying secondhand this time around. Oh, should be here in four to six business seconds. [taps on his phone, and a robot package shows up] Aha. [tries to open the package, his fingers breaking through the suit] Confound these impenetrable blister packs. [bites on the package]
Smart-Tron: [from inside the package] Opening protocol activated. [activates laser eyes, making Quasar fall down]
Quasar: Whoa! [gets up to greet Smart-Tron] Hello, I'm Captain Qua--
Smart-Tron: [grabs Quasar with its arm] Commencing retinal interface. [shoots lasers at Quasar's eyes]
Quasar: [screams]
[In Quasar's retinas, a hologram of a blue bordered cube and Smart-Tron can be seen.]
Smart-Tron: Congratulations, you are the fortunate recipient of a brand-new Smart-Tron, [several Smart-Trons appear, then a galaxy appears] over 2 trillion units sold galaxy-wide. [retina hologram ends] You have chosen the most efficient product on the market.
Quasar: [chuckles, rubbing bloodshot eyes] Wow. So advanced. Well, you can get started repairing this--
Smart-Tron: I have already identified [starts scanning various broken parts of the ship, marking them with X's] numerous inefficiencies on this ship.
Quasar: [patting a broken pipe] Well, the old ship does need some work. Let's get started.
Smart-Tron: Smart-Tron works faster [eyes turn red] alone.
Quasar: [drops broken pipe piece] I should have replaced Pat-Tron [puts on robe] years ago. [puts cucumbers on eyes] Well, if you need me, I'll be soaking in the jacuzzatron. [walks off]
Smart-Tron: It would seem we have [eyes turn red] many inefficiencies to address. [hovers away]
[An earth rolls past the screen as the scene changes back to the Star house, where Pat-Tron is still sobbing on the garden outside as a water sprinkler.]
Squidina: [opens the front door and approaches Pat-Tron, flinches] Pat-Tron from the Quasar show? Good thing I took [holds a giant wrench] Space Plumbing 101. [uses the wrench on Pat-Tron to make him stop crying]
Patrick: [still sobbing]
Squidina: And Leaking Dopey Brother 202. [uses the wrench on Patrick's head, making him stop crying]
Patrick: [sighs in relief, then eats the wrench]
Squidina: Pat-Tron, what are you doing here?
Pat-Tron: My captain fired me because I wasn't helpful enough. Now I have no one to help.
Squidina: Maybe you could help around here.
Lawnies: [still screaming and running away from the sea bear]
Sea bear: [growling]
Patrick: [points] How about you start with that?
Pat-Tron: Be back in a micro-jiff. [runs off, a blue flash appears] Problem solved. [wraps arm around the sea bear] The big guy was just lonely. [the lawnies are now running around the Star house, being chased by multiple sea bears] So I cloned him some companions.
Patrick: Oh. Squidina, why didn't we think of that?
Pat-Tron: [walks off] I love being helpful.
Patrick and Squidina: [wave nervously] Hi, bear. [Squidina screams as the sea bear mauls them]
Patrick: [poking out from fight cloud] Does look happier.
[The S.S. Super Minnow flies past the screen as the scene changes back to space. Smart-Tron is using a blowtorch on the new door while using a laptop.]
Quasar: Ah, the place looks a little different.
Smart-Tron: I have optimized the spacecraft for maximum [eyes turn red] efficiency.
Quasar: How am I supposed to [Smart-Tron turns off the laptop, which disappears] steer my ship without control panels?
Smart-Tron: Your inefficient buttons have been replaced with an Intelli-Dial.
[The Intelli-Dial glimmers.]
Quasar: [reaches for the dial] Ooh, shiny.
Smart-Tron: [smacks Quasar's hand away] Do not touch the Intelli-Dial. It is set to maximum [eyes turn red] efficiency. You will only set us off course. [the ship smashes through several giant objects] The most efficient course.
Quasar: Fine. Now get me some lunch.
Smart-Tron: [hands Quasar a salad] Complete.
Quasar: Mmm, perfect. [uses fork to take a bite] Mmm, bacon-y. I'll need nutrients if I'm going to get revenge on the Saladrians.
Smart-Tron: Oh, I have already taken care of the Saladrians.
Quasar: [looks at his salad]
King Saladrian: [voice only] What do you think of my new mustache... mustache... mustache...
Quasar: [tosses salad, throws up on Smart-Tron, groans] I need to relax now. [Smart-Tron uses a windshield wiper to clean itself] [rubbing torso] Do you have a massage function?
Smart-Tron: I will relax you in a more efficient manner. [aims its arm at Quasar]
Quasar: Wait. What? [screams as he gets zapped, gets turned into a liquid, groans]
Smart-Tron: There, consider yourself relaxed. [hovers away]
[A handheld vacuum scrolls across the screen as the scene changes to inside the Star house.]
Bunny: [vacuums some crumbs from the wall, sighs] Three less [twirls vacuum] crumbs in the world. [blows on vacuum as Pat-Tron falls to the floor through the ceiling] Oh.
Pat-Tron: Whatcha doing?
Bunny: Vacu--
Pat-Tron: [shushes Bunny with his arm] Vac-you or vac-me? [vacuums up the ceiling rubble] Looks like you missed some spots.
Bunny: [brandishes vacuum] En Garde! [tries to vacuum some dust, but Pat-Tron beats her to it]
Pat-Tron: [hits Bunny away as he lifts up the couch to vacuum up the dust, but Bunny beats him to it]
Bunny: Ha-ha!
Pat-Tron: [vacuums the dust from Bunny's vacuum, laughs and runs away]
Bunny: [groans, gets crushed by the couch, then comes back to vacuum dust off of Pat-Tron] There. Got the last piece of dirt [points to her vacuum] right here.
Pat-Tron: Well done. Put her there. [vacuums Bunny]
Bunny: [screams]
Pat-Tron: This is so fulfilling.
[A pig squeals as a hot dog swipes across the screen as the scene changes to Cecil carrying a barrel to an outdoor barbecue grill.]
Cecil: Ah, time for some old-fashioned grillin'. [opens the barrel and places the hot dogs on the grill] Now to settle in while these dogs [gets water from the barrel to put in his glass] plump to perfection. [sips]
Pat-Tron: [emerges from barrel] Did you say grillin'?
Cecil: Why, yes.
Pat-Tron: I could [bursts from barrel] help with that! You don't need [hits grill, sending it flying through Granny Tentacles' house] this old thing!
[Granny Tentacles' house bursts into flames.]
Granny Tentacles: [running out, screaming]
Pat-Tron: [head separated, takes the hot dogs and places them on his torso] These will cook way faster over my radioactive power source.
[The hot dogs begin glowing green.]
Cecil: Ooh. [eyes melt off]
Pat-Tron: [holds out a radioactive hot dog] Try one.
Cecil: [takes a bite, breaking his teeth] It-- it's a little crunchy.
Pat-Tron: [back hatch opens] Oops, I think you may be eating one of my uranium power rods.
Cecil: A-wha? Why didn't you say so? I love Romanian food. [eats the hot dog and begins glowing green, contorting into different shapes, ending up as a gooey version of himself] Not bad.
Pat-Tron: You're welcome.
[The S.S. Super Minnow flies by the screen again to transition back to Quasar.]
Quasar: [still a liquid] What? [growls at Smart-Tron cleaning a window] How am I supposed to do anything like this?
Smart-Tron: It is more efficient if you do nothing. [floats away]
Quasar: But I'm-- hey, hey, [runs after Smart-Tron] don't you float away from me when I'm-- [sinks into the ground, then comes back normally via elevator] Ahh! [as Smart-Tron uses a screwdriver on an object on the wall] I am the captain of this ship, and if you don't start showing me some respect I'll-- uh, where's my laser ray?
Smart-Tron: It is more efficient if [holds up laser ray] I have it.
Quasar: Oh. I'm just gonna run away now! [runs away as Smart-Tron chases after him] Ahh! Ahh! Please, stop! I'm begging you!
Smart-Tron: [eyes turn red] Begging is inefficient. [shoots lasers, which Quasar dodge]
Quasar: [yells and dives at the control panel, groans]
Smart-Tron: [eyes red, aiming laser]
Quasar: [sweating] No, please don't or I'll-- I'll touch the Intelli-Dial.
Smart-Tron: [eyes go back to normal, drops laser ray] Do not touch it! That dial is set to maximum efficiency.
Quasar: You know, Smart-Tron, I think we could use a little inefficiency.
Smart-Tron: You wouldn't.
Quasar: [moves dial, making the ship sputter and fall]
Smart-Tron: [screams]
[Cut to Pat-Tron in GrandPat's room with Squidina, Patrick, and Cecil, who is still radioactive.]
Pat-Tron: GrandPat asked me to make him a mobility scooter, so I did.
GrandPat: [appears as a mobility scooter]
Squidina: Pat-Tron, do you even know what helping is?
[Loud crashing is heard as the ground shakes violently.]
All: [yell]
Squidina: [points] What was that? [everyone but GrandPat run off]
GrandPat: [tipped over] Wait for me! [swerves around, knocking over a clock]
Pat-Tron, Patrick, Bunny, and Squidina: [move outside to see the commotion]
Quasar: [screams as he falls out of his crashed ship, which landed on the Star house]
Pat-Tron: [crosses arms] What are you doing here?
Quasar: Pat-Tron? [gets up and wipes himself] Oh, um, I was just stopping by to say how great I'm doing without you.
Pat-Tron: Well, I'm doing great, too. These people actually appreciate my help.
Patrick, Cecil, and Squidina: Um... eh...
Quasar: Speaking of help, I've got a new helper bot. Its name is Smart-Tron. It's great. Very smart.
Pat-Tron: [points] Is that it?
Quasar: [surprised, looks behind him]
Smart-Tron: [damaged, eyes red] Elimination.
Quasar: [screams, gets beaten and grabbed by Smart-Tron] Help me!
Squidina: Uh, are you gonna help him?
Pat-Tron: Well, don't you guys need me?
Cecil: Nah, we're good.
Bunny: [pops out of Pat-Tron's front hatch] You've helped us so much already.
Patrick: Yeah, we're helpless!
Pat-Tron: Well, okay, then.
Bunny: [screams as Pat-Tron launches her]
Pat-Tron: [points] I'll help you, Captain! [rolls away]
Quasar: [screams while being zapped with a laser by Smart-Tron]
Pat-Tron: [with a mug and tower] Here's a hot towel and a soothing beverage.
Quasar: [screams as he gets zapped with a laser again] On second thought, help the robot. [gets zapped again]
Pat-Tron: Right. [leaps to be behind Smart-Tron as it zaps again] Ooh, you look tense. Have a relaxing massage. [grabs Smart-Tron, making it flail]
Quasar: [rubs helmet, groans]
Smart-Tron: [screams off-screen]
Quasar: Huh?
[Smart-Tron is now lying on a massage chair.]
Pat-Tron: Deeper. [bashes Smart-Tron with his arms]
Smart-Tron: [screaming, then falls apart]
Quasar: [shaking hands with Pat-Tron] Oh, Pat-Tron, thank you so much. Please, come back and be my hapless lackey again.
Pat-Tron: Okay. Can I have a raise?
Quasar: [laughs] Pat-Tron, [they walk away] I missed your humor mode.
Pat-Tron: [laughs off-screen]
[The ship dislodges itself from the Star house and blasts off.
Bunny, Patrick, Cecil, and Squidina: [waving] Bye.
Smart-Tron: [head bouncing along the ground] No, now I am inefficient. I have no purpose. [sobs]
Bunny: [picks up Smart-Tron's head] I've got just the purpose for you.
Smart-Tron: [scene fades to its head sobbing while rotating on a pole to water the garden]
Bunny: [vacuuming nearby]