Are You Afraid of the Dork?/transcript

This article is a transcript of the Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years episode "Are You Afraid of the Dork?/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[One night, the campers are sitting around a campfire.]
Bubble Bass: Hello and welcome, all you snot-nosed campers to Midnight Frights, Kamp Koral's Annual Spooky Story Night. Now, who'd like to hear [shines flashlight in face] some scary stories?
[The campers gasp and cower in fear.]
Squidward: Ha, they're already scared. What babies!
Bubble Bass: Well, maybe they have good reason to be scared!
Squidward: [nervously shivering] Wait, what? Why?
Larry: Huh?
[Kevin and Harvey huddle together. Patrick roars at SpongeBob, who roars back. They laugh together.]
Sandy: Ha. I ain't afraid! Bring on the scary stories!
[The Flying Dutchman's boat rises out of the lake.]
Flying Dutchman: [cackles] Did I hear someone say [makes scary face] scary stories? This is gonna be good.
[He takes out a drink and popcorn, then puts the drink on a floating coaster. He suddenly spits out his popcorn.]
Flying Dutchman: Yuck! Who put popcorn in me spiders? Ew.
Bubble Bass: My dreadful tale takes place one dark and stormy night [narrates over flashback to a rainy night] when I was all alone in my cabin. Agitated by the thunder, I needed to calm my nerves. [takes out board game] So, I decided to play a solo game of "Lizards, Wizards, and Gizzards." [rolls dice] I rolled a one. So, I moved one space. And landed on go back one space. And then I rolled another one. I moved my wizard forward, then back again and rolled another one. I moved my wizard and rolled another one. Then another one. Over and over, roll after roll. I was stuck in a loop. Was I losing my mind?
[A montage shows Bubble Bass constantly rolling his dice and being made to move back a space. Dices fall in the background behind him.]
Bubble Bass: Was this black magic?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [in the story] Ooh!
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. You know what this story needs? For the power to go out right about now.
[The power goes out.]
Bubble Bass: [gasps]
Patrick: Ooh! Oh yeah! And an escaped fiend should be pounding on the door.
[Someone pounds on the door. Bubble Bass is scared. Outside his story, he is angry at SpongeBob and Patrick.]
Bubble Bass: Excuse me. This is my story!
[SpongeBob and Patrick go back to sitting next to Squidward.]
SpongeBob: We're just trying to help.
Patrick: Yeah, your story needed some punching up.
Sandy: [laughs]
Bubble Bass: Where was I? Oh, yes. [flashback, narration] The rolling of the ones. Some sinister supernatural force had taken control of my dice. I screamed in horror to the evil that had possessed my dice. [in story] Be gone! [narration] But to no avail. Each roll only landed on one. [back to real world] One! One!
[Bubble Bass's eyes have dies in them. They fall out and the campers scream, then start laughing. The Flying Dutchman disapproves from his ship.]
Flying Dutchman: What in Blackbeard's bloomers was that!? One, one, one? Lame, lame, lame!
Lady Upturn: You might think that a person of means such as myself wouldn't have a horror story. But you'd be wrong. There was one summer in camp when I woke up in the middle of the night hungry.
Patrick: Hungry? SpongeBob, now I'm really scared!
SpongeBob: Here, this should help. [gives him a teddy bear]
Patrick: Thanks. [bites it and spits out two buttons] I don't like the eyes.
Upturn: As I was saying, I woke up hungry in the middle of the night and rang for the butler.
[Flashback to Upturn in bed, ringing a bell. She gets no answer and lifts up her sleep mask.]
Upturn: But the butler didn't answer. What happened to the butler? Something sinister, no doubt.
[She walks towards the kitchen.]
Upturn: I walked toward the service kitchen. Every step filled me with dread. I'd never been in the kitchen and I didn't know. Oh, I didn't want to know what I'd find there.
Patrick: [in story, holding teddy bear] Here you go!
Upturn: [screams]
Patrick: You shouldn't go in there alone.
[SpongeBob walks into the story, blowing a fog machine.]
SpongeBob: This fog should help with the atmosphere.
Upturn: Do you mind?
SpongeBob: [in real world] Not at all! You're doing great!
Patrick: I have notes.
[Upturn growls and they go back to sitting with Squidward. Patrick motions for her to continue.]
Upturn: [begins flashback] Once I was in the kitchen, the fear continued. [sees toaster] How do I make a sandwich? How many pieces of bread? I didn't know. [looks at jars] And what goes on a sandwich anyway? [takes out jar] Kelp pate? How many kelps were murdered to make this pate? [throws it away] Their spirits might be angry. [walks and sees an array of forks and some hanging knives] Then, everywhere I turned, there were sharp, deadly objects pointed right at me!
Flying Dutchman: [in real world, roasting bird on his ship] Sharp, deadly objects, huh?
Bird: [squawks] Now we're cookin'!
Upturn: [in story] Sharp, deadly objects like forks, spoons, and butter knives!
Flying Dutchman: [in real world] Butter knives? That's not scary! Boo!
Bird: Boo!
Upturn: [in story] And then from the corner of my eye, I saw them. Half one thing and half another. Unholy hybrids. Freaks of nature. How did they get in my cabin? I didn't want to look but I couldn't help myself. There, standing upright in the dish rack... [real world] there were... sporks! [holds out sporks and throws them, hitting the campers]
Patrick: I thought a fork and spoon was a foon.
Flying Dutchman: Sporks!? [destroys parts of his ship] What's with these camp counselors? Their kids should be wetting their bloomers by now! [turns scarier] It looks like this candy-pants campfire needs a visit from a real master of hair-raising horror! [makes scary face] Little old me!
Larry: Alright, listen up you welter weights. Larry is gonna tell you a tale that will curl your dumbbells.
[Harvey jumps on Larry and points at the Flying Dutchman's ship.]
Harvey: Look!
Flying Dutchman: [cackles shoots cannonballs, jumps down and laughs maniacally, scaring the campers away] Good thing I got a green thumb! [snaps fingers and summons vines to hold the campers down]
SpongeBob: Looks like we're a captive audience!
Sandy: We sure as sugar don't have anything like this back in Texas.
Larry: Yo, bro. Not cool. It was my turn to tell a story.
Flying Dutchman: Well, if it isn't Kamp Koral's biggest athletic supporter. And what was your scary story, lobster roll? Someone not wipe down the gym equipment after using it?
Larry: [happily] Yeah! How did you know?
Flying Dutchman: [cackles, lights the campfire green, and creates a swirling portal]
Campers: [nervous oohs and ahhs]
Squidward: [scared] ...Mommy.
Flying Dutchman: I hope you find my stories scary, the first one stars a lobster named [pokes him] Larry!
[Larry gets pulled into the swirling cloud.]
Larry: Uh, uh, uh, uh! I just remembered, I forgot to hydrate my gluteus maximus!
[A dial-up modem sound plays. Larry appears on a screen in the cloud. The campers gasp. In the cloud, Larry wanders through the camp at night.]
Larry: Whoa. Where am I? [sees Frigate cabin] Oh, my cabin. Okay. [enters and sees a present] What's this? [reads tag] "Happy Birthday to everyone's favorite hunk." Awww. They didn't have to do that. [unwraps it, revealing a scary-looking weightlifting set] It's the most beautiful piece of gym equipment I've ever seen. [starts working out] Oh, yeah. I can really feel the burn! [the machine goes faster, making his shirt rip and his muscles grow] Oh yeah! I'm getting j-j-j-jacked, baby! Larry is getting huge! Larry is a [suddenly stronger, deep voice] monster! No pain, no gain! [shell cracks off] Ooh! Good Neptune, it hurts! [groans] My sore muscles sure could use a soak.
[Larry climbs into a nearby hot tub, but sees that it's full of butter.]
Larry: Huh? [sniffs] Huh? [slurps] Is this butter?
Flying Dutchman: I see food! Ha! Get it? Seafood?
Larry: What are you gonna do? Eat me?
Flying Dutchman: Though most folks love the rich, juicy flavor of lobster meat... I prefer [takes shell] the shell!
Larry: What? Dude!
Flying Dutchman: [puts shell in butter] Dipped in butter!
Larry: [scared] But I need that! [Flying Dutchman bites it] You can't leave me like this. I'm all soft and buttery. No. No!
[Larry is turned into a badge on the Flying Dutchman's sash.]
Flying Dutchman: Earned me first demerit badge!
Craig: It's Larry! Larry's on the patch!
Flying Dutchman: You two can hit the showers.
[The vines around Craig and Mo drop, and they scream and run away.]
Flying Dutchman: [cackles] Well, how's that for a scary story? [makes scary face]
[End of Act 1. Act 2 begins.]
Flying Dutchman: Well, how's that for a scary story? [makes scary face]
SpongeBob: It didn't really live up to the hype.
Bubble Bass: [scoffs] I've read scarier stories in third-rate comic books.
Flying Dutchman: Comic books, eh? Well, here's a tale that has no class! [to Harvey and Kevin] It's about your counselor, Bubble Bass!
Bubble Bass: [panicked, getting dragged into cloud] Huh? I would like to retract my last criticism if I may. Parlay. Parlay!
[The screen goes static.]
Flying Dutchman: Oh, what? [bangs cloud with fist] And I paid for extra high speed wicked Wi-Fi! [the screen shows the Pontoon cabin; he] [chuckles] That's better. Or should I say that's worse! [chuckles]
[Bubble Bass wanders next to the cabin.]
Bubble Bass: Hm. What? How'd I get here? Hm.
[A glowing green meteor crashes next to him.]
Bubble Bass: By the Hanging Wizards of Mocklock! [smells] Ugh! It smells like boiling vomit! [waves smell away]
[The meteor cracks open and a purple glow comes out, exposing Bubble Bass's skeleton.]
Bubble Bass: I've been befouled. [starts levitating] Huh? Whoa! I can fly! [flies next to a boulder] I wonder if... [strains and picks up boulder, then gasps] I have superpowers. [tearing up] I'm a--a superhero! I need a costume.
[He throws the boulder away and flies into his cabin. He makes a bad drawing of himself in a superhero outfit, nods, and starts stitching something. He makes a mask and sews a red cloth. ]
Bubble Bass: Finally, it is done! [steps out of cabin in costume] Behold, world, it is I! Captain Counselor! [drinks soda and eats chicken leg] For years, I was laughed at and called a nerd for my love of superheroes. Wait till the campers see me and my super powers now!
[Elwood speeds by with super speed. Other campers fly past. One kid with super strength carries four other campers on a plank.]
Bubble Bass: The meteor affected everyone in camp, not just me!
Craig: [flies up] Hey, what's with the outfit? Is it Halloween?
Harvey: [carrying rock] I think they're his superhero jammies.
[Mo speeds past, then runs back up to him] What's the C stand for? Clown Man?
Female camper: Captain Cornball?
Other female camper: Caboose Man?
Elwood: Compost Man?
[The campers crowd around Bubble Bass and laugh at him.]
Oh yes, quite amusing. But maybe perhaps you'd like to join me in my league of superheroes?
Mo: Superheroes? We ain't superheroes.
Harvey: Yeah, we're supervillains!
[The campers' eyes turn red and they walk closer to Bubble Bass.]
Bubble Bass: No. No!
[Bubble Bass is turned into a patch on the Flying Dutchman's sash.]
Flying Dutchman: Nice.
Harvey: It's Bubble Bass! Bubble Bass is on the patch!
Flying Dutchman: Enjoy your nerdmares!
[He lets the vines down around Kevin and Harvey. They scream and run away.]
Flying Dutchman: [spins around] My next story, you all will learn, stars your rich counselor, Missy Upturn!
Upturn: Oh, no. I'll give you $1 billion to let me go.
Flying Dutchman: I'm a ghost. I have no use for money.
Upturn: Then how about credit? You can't see it. You can't feel it. It's ghost money. [chuckles] You could upgrade [pans to ship] that broken-down tub of yours for a luxury yacht.
Flying Dutchman: Ooh. Ghost money? I like that! [chuckling]
[He lets Upturn, Rea, and Roh go. Upturn takes out a phone, dials it, and closes it.]
Upturn: I just opened an unlimited line of credit for you at my daddy's bank.
[The Flying Dutchman's ship morphs into a yacht. He appears on it wearing a modern sailor's outfit and blowing a corncob pipe. He comes back to the campfire.]
Flying Dutchman: Would you look at me? Master and commander! [to Upturn] Alright, you don't get a scary story.
Roh: Ho-ho!
Rea: Yes!
Flying Dutchman: But you still get to be a patch.
Upturn: [screams]
Flying Dutchman: [to Rea and Roh] See ya in therapy! [they scream and run off; he cackles]
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy are laughing.]
Flying Dutchman: And what are you laughing at!?
SpongeBob: We were laughing because you were laughing.
Flying Dutchman: [making scary face] Well, quit it! My next yarn is strange, even absurd, 'cause this tale's about counselor Squidward! [Squidward's seat is empty] Where's Squidward?
SpongeBob: Oh, he vamoosed.
Sandy: Amscrayed.
Patrick: Skedaddled. [spins around]
Flying Dutchman: Well, how'd he get away?
SpongeBob: Looks like ink. [pulls up inky vines]
Sandy: [touches the ink with her tail] Feels like ink.
Patrick: [with ink on his mouth] Tastes like ink! [licks it]
Flying Dutchman: I can't tell his scary story without him here! Man, that ruins my whole night! [drops the vines around them]
Sandy: Welp, being a squirrel of science, I don't believe in ghosts. [panicked] But what I've seen here tonight is totally messed up! [screams and runs away]
Flying Dutchman: And I was saving my scariest story for last. Why do I even bother? [SpongeBob and Patrick are gone] Hey, where'd you--
[Patrick pulls SpongeBob into the Dutchman's transmission cloud.]
Patrick: How do you turn this on? [adjusts dial.]
Flying Dutchman: Hey, you! Get off of my cloud! [appears in cloud] So, you kids wanna be in a scary story, huh?
SpongeBob: Not really, no. I guess I've grown out of that kid stuff.
Patrick: I'm just jaded.
Flying Dutchman: Kid stuff? Jaded? Alright, here's something all kids are afraid of! Being in trouble! [cackles, snaps his fingers and lightning strikes]
[SpongeBob and Patrick are seated in Krabs' office as the lights flicker.]
Patrick: Where are we?
SpongeBob: We're in Camp Master Krabs' office. Patrick, why are we here? Are we in trouble?
Patrick: I don't know. [takes out axe] This axe with our fingerprints could have something to do with it.
SpongeBob: And that axe probably goes along with [takes out bag] this severed head... [pulls out lettuce] of lettuce that we must have taken from the canteen.
[They gasp in fear at something approaching. Krabs is seen walking down the stairs.]
SpongeBob: Camp Master Krabs? Is that you? Is something wrong?
Krabs: Oh, don't worry. It's nothing [reveals himself in creepy clown makeup and holding a rubber hammer] serious! [evil laughter]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [clapping] Yay!
SpongeBob: ♪ Clown clowny clown clown! ♪
Patrick: He's funny!
Krabs: I am not funny. I'm scary! [snarls and brandishes his hammer]
[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh and duck Krabs attacking them with the hammer. They laugh and spray him with seltzer bottles. He slips and lands on a seesaw, catapulting them up. Krabs tries to catch them, but a stroller comes in. Patrick is inside, dressed as a baby and crying. He hits Krabs in the head with his bottle. Krabs splits apart, revealing the Flying Dutchman in his shell.]
Flying Dutchman: Ow!
[SpongeBob comes in with a leaf blower, blowing the Flying Dutchman away. Many small Flying Dutchmans are running around and bumping into each other.]
SpongeBob: Looks like those clowning lessons we took really paid off.
Flying Dutchman: [reassembles and growls] They say dead men tell no tales, but I'm gonna have a whopper to tell after tonight! I don't know how you two fish gizzards got the best of me!
Patrick: Oh, it was a snap! [snaps and reverts the cloud back to white]
Flying Dutchman: No! Don't snap your fingers! [snaps and reverts back to Krabs' office]
SpongeBob: You mean like this? [snaps fingers, transporting them to his cabin, where the Dutchman is a child]
Kid Dutchman: [high-pitched] Where am I? What happened? [feels himself] Ah. Oh, no! This is my biggest fear! I'm ten years old and back in summer camp!
SpongeBob: Look at Dutch Boy. What a cute little pirate!
Kid Dutchman: Avast! You two scalawags are worse than any freebooters I've ever had the misfortune to meet! [tries to snap his fingers]
Patrick: He doesn't know how to snap his fingers yet! Keep trying, Dutchy! You'll get it!
Kid Dutchman: I wanna go home! I wanna plunder! I want my mommy! [crying and babbling]
SpongeBob: Oh, everybody feels that way about camp at first! You'll soon forget all about plundering! We're gonna have so much fun!
[He runs off with the Dutchman, and Patrick follows behind. They go to Jelly Meadows. SpongeBob and Patrick chase jellyfish, but the Dutchman gets stung. He catches one, and a swarm of jellyfish sting him. At the zipline, Patrick pushes the Dutchman. He enjoys it, but slams into the lighthouse. Pearl jumps on the Dutchman repeatedly. As he reads, Craig gives him a wedgie. SpongeBob and Patrick, being wedgied by Larry, high five. They sit back with the kid Dutchman around a campfire and eat marshmallows. The Dutchman's marshmallow lights on fire and burns.]
Patrick: You still gotta eat it. Camp rules!
[The Dutchman bites it, and it's hard. He chews it and spits it out.]
Kid Dutchman: Oh, if only I could escape this blasted nightmare! [tries to snap, then finally gets it, turning back into his adult self]
Dutchman: Yeah, I'm back!
Patrick: Hey! Congratulations, Dutchy. You learned to snap your fingers!
Flying Dutchman: [grows in size] And now I'm gonna snap you like a couple of twigs!
[He blasts a bolt from his fingers towards one of the seats, but SpongeBob and Patrick aren't there. They jump out of the transmission cloud.]
Flying Dutchman: [leans out of cloud] Hey, where you going?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Dutch. It's past our bedtimes.
Patrick: Yeah, D. Thanks for the scary stories. Not! [chuckles]
[The Dutchman snarls. SpongeBob and Patrick walk away until SpongeBob suddenly remembers something.]
SpongeBob: Oh, we mustn't leave a fire unattended!
[He runs back to the fire, which is much smaller. He takes out a bucket of ash.]
Flying Dutchman: Wait! Let me out first! No! No! No!
[SpongeBob pours the ash on the fire, shrinking the cloud and trapping the Flying Dutchman inside. The rest of the campers are released. Larry, Upturn, and Bubble Bass are burning.]
Larry: Dudes, is that a cookout I smell?
[They scream and leap into the air, then run away, still burning. SpongeBob and Patrick walk away.]
Patrick: [notices] Oh, SpongeBob! Your shirt!
[The Dutchman is a patch on SpongeBob's shirt.]
Flying Dutchman: [evil cackling, then] What the--I've been patched! [struggles to escape, sadly] I hate summer camp!