Best Served Cold/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Best Served Cold/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[A Goofy Goober bobblehead shakes. The ice cream man, whimpering nervously, is driving his truck in a panic. He looks behind him to see Patrick in pursuit, holding a steering wheel.]
Patrick: [imitates revving engine]
[The camera zooms out to show that Patrick is running on the road. The ice cream man whimpers and presses on the gas pedal. He speeds up and Patrick runs after him. Some kids on the sidewalk are jumping up and down.]
Kids: Ice cream! Ice cream! [they get caught by the truck and are morphed into ice cream shapes]
Patrick: [imitates revving engine]
[The ice cream man comes behind a bag car. He pulls a lever that makes the car's wheels extend, going over it and another car.]
Ice cream man: [chuckles] I think I lost him!
Patrick: [running beside him, imitates revving engine] Pull over, peanut boy!
[The ice cream man chomps a banana, spits it out, and throws the peel at Patrick.]
Patrick: [slips on banana peel] Aaah! [explodes]
Ice cream man: [sees something ahead] Leaping lampreys!
[A drawbridge is going up.]
Drawbridge operator: Stop! The bridge is up!
Patrick: [imitates revving engine, runs to the window and glare at the ice cream man]
Ice cream man: It's my only way out!
[He steps through the gas pedal and sends the car flying, over a fisherman, and crashing front-first. The hood of the truck lights on fire.]
Ice cream man: [panting, then] Huh?
Patrick: [appears in shadow, breathing heavily]
[The fire goes away and he is shown with a default expresion, then smiles.]
Patrick: One ice cream, please!
Ice cream man: Oh, fine.
Patrick: [runs up to the window of the truck and claps]
Ice cream man: What flavor do you want?
Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Um, I'll take, uh--
Ice cream man: [blinks, then gestures to the menu, which has chocolate and vanilla] It's not that difficult. There are only two choices.
Patrick: [rapidly switching choices] Chocolate! No, no, no, no. Vanilla! No, chocolate! Oh, vanilla! [giggles] Chocolate! Vanilla! [the front of the truck lights on fire and melts the ice cream] No, chocolate! No, no, no, vanilla! No, chocolate! [melted ice cream pours out of the door] Oh! Melted ice cream?
Ice cream man: [confused] We don't sell melted ice cream.
Patrick: Then it's free melted ice cream? Wow! [jumps on it and slurps it off the floor]
Ice cream man: [groans, slides out of window, walks to the Chum Bucket and yells, then enters grumbling and sits at a table] That's the third truck this year that pink pinhead has destroyed.
Squidward: [drinking water and with his news bag next to him] Oh, how I hate that paper-pilfering Cecil Star.
Fentin: [gulping water] Stinking Squidina Star and her [waves arms] wildly successful TV show.
Gladys: [reading book] Ooh, that Bunny!
Grim Reaper: Curse that GrandPat Star, [crumbles water cup] eluding me for centuries. I'll get him one of these days.
Ice cream man: Hmm. [bell dings, gets idea] Hey.
Fentin, Gladys, the Grim Reaper, and Squidward: Huh?
Ice cream man: [points to them] You all hate the Star family?
Fentin, Gladys, the Grim Reaper, and Squidward: Oh, yeah. / Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Ice cream man: [stands on table] Well, so do I. I say we team up and finally get revenge on them, once and for all!
Fentin, Gladys, and the Grim Reaper: [raise hands] Yeah!
Squidward: Yeah! Yeah, that's a good idea!
Plankton: [appears under Walter] You know, the Chum Bucket is a great place to hatch a revenge scheme. It's also a great place to [takes out chum] buy chum, [points to them] which none of you did! You bums get out of here! [points to table] And leave those free waters!
[Everyone except Plankton runs away. Cut to the Star family house. The ice cream man, wearing sunglasses, drives up in a truck.]
Ice cream man: [removes sunglasses] There it is, [opens curtain blinds] the Star family house.
Squidward: The bane of our existence.
Fentin: The source of all our pain and suffering.
Grim Reaper: [holds out scythe] Who wants to go first?
Squidward: [puts on cap] I'll go. Cecil can't resist [takes out newspaper] his morning newspaper thievery.
[Squidward tiptoes to the front door and drops a newspaper tied to a rope.]
Squidward: Well, today, he'll really make the news. [ties rope to stake, laughs, hides self in bush and knocks on door] Knock, knock.
Cecil: [answers, sniffs air and exhales] Ah. I love the smell of newsprint in the morning. Huh?
[He tugs the newspaper but does not pull the stake out. The stake wobbles. Squidward comes out of the bush with flowers on his eyes, laughing, then gasps in shock. Cecil is dragging the newspaper inside with his teeth.]
Squidward: [steps out of bush] No, no, no, no, no! Not like that! [takes newspaper and pulls stake out with it] Like this!
[Squidward screams, gets pulled into a newspress, and banded into a newspaper. He walks away and opens the doors to the van.]
Squidward: [weakly] Who's next?
Fentin: [takes out box of crayons] Well, I've got the perfect way to stick it to Squidina-- [takes out blue crayon] a bad review of the show that will [puts paper down] devastate her emotionally. [writing] "The Patrick Star Show is an assault on every viewer's taste. Shoddy production value, awful comedy, inane and pandering, it's an insult to the medium of television. Worst show. 0 out of 10 stars. Whoever runs this show should be ashamed."
[Fentin runs out and hides out of view, next to the stage. When Squidina walks by, he opens the glass and throws the letter at her feet.]
Squidina: Huh? What's this? [sees the letter, which is just random scribbles] Aw, some kid scribbled a widdle fan letter. So cute. [puts it on a wall with other letters] We'll put it on The Patrick Show Wall of Fans.
[Fentin looks on in surprise, and slides down the glass. He goes to the van and is too short to get in.]
Fentin: Uppies. [the Grim Reaper picks him up]
Grim Reaper: Gladys, what's your revenge plan?
Gladys: So, um, you guys are going to laugh about this, but I thought this was a [holds out book] book club about the new Easter Bunny exposé. Like I said, I just hate that bunny. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was enjoying all your fun activities. [chuckles, the other members glare at her, she opens the door] I'll just, uh, show myself out and, uh, never tell anyone about this. [runs away]
[A fly comes in through the open doors.]
Fly: [buzzing]
Ice cream man: Ew, a sea fly.
Fly: [buzzing]
Ice cream man: Was that a villain origin story I hear? [holds out his hand]
Fly: [buzzing, imitates flyswatting and puts hands on hips]
Ice cream man: So you want to get revenge on Bunny because she's always swatting flies.
Fly: [buzzes "mm-hmm" and nods]
Ice cream man: What's your plan? [holds out fly to the other members]
Fly: [buzzing]
Squidward: Dastardly!
Fly: [buzzing]
Fentin: Sweet Neptune!
Fly: [buzzing]
Grim Reaper: Gruesome!
Fly: [sneaky buzzing, flies out of truck]
Grim Reaper: [pulls down curtains] Lot of hate for a little guy.
[The fly gets into a giant machine, similar to a bulldozer, with a flyswatter on the end.]
[Bunny drags out a garbage bin with rotten meat in it.]
Bunny: Oh, such a shame that all this raw meat went bad. Maybe I shouldn't keep it in the closet. [dumps it on flower] Oh, well, at least it'll make good garden compost. [meat squelches]
[The fly pulls a lever and moves the machine forward. He smells the meat and flies towards it, sets out a table and silverware, pulls up a chair, and preapres to eat some of the meat. A shadow comes over him.]
Bunny: [in machine, swats the fly] Foinsapp! [giggles]
Grim Reaper: Hmph! Amateur hour. [turns away] The time to reap my revenge is at hand. [turns to group] Behold! [snaps, whooshes away in a dust cloud, and teleports next to a sleeping GrandPat] GrandPat Star, you are [fire appears in his eyes] mine! [evil laughter]
GrandPat: [snores, groans]
[The Grim Reaper holds out GrandPat's hand and sprays whipped cream into it. He removes the blade from the scythe to reveal a feather. He tickles GrandPat, and he throws the whipped cream in his face, then wakes up.]
GrandPat: [grumbling]
Grim Reaper: [laughs] In your face, GrandPat! Literally!
GrandPat: [shakes fist] Why, you little!
Grim Reaper: [runs away] I got my revenge-- [slips on meat] ah! [bones clatter]
Squidward and Fentin: [laughing]
Grim Reaper: [brushes up bones] Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Laugh in the face of death.
Squidward and Fentin: [laughing]
Ice cream man: [groans] How are you all this bad at revenge?
Squidward: Hey!
Grim Reaper: I'd like to remind you that my revenge was good.
Ice cream man: My revenge will be served cold. Ice cold. [evil laughter]
[Fade to black. Patrick is watching TV when an ice cream truck jingle plays.]
Patrick: [laughing, gasps] Ice cream? [swings door open] Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! [engine rumbling] Ice cream?
[The ice cream man is driving a spiked, ice cream cone-shaped vehicle.]
Ice cream man: Oh, you'll scream, all right. [revs tires and then drives after him]
Patrick: Ah! Ice cream! Ice cream!
Ice cream man: What's wrong, Patrick? I thought you wanted ice cream! [chuckles]
Patrick: [crying] I do, but not like this! [panting, grunting, jumps into the van with Squidward, Fentin, and the Grim Reaper] Are you running from the ice cream man too? [pushes head and holds steering wheel] Don't worry. I'll save you.
[He drives backwards into the house. The ice cream man follows him. Patrick drives up the stairs. The others are smashed against the sides. The ice cream man drives up against the wall.]
Ice cream man: [evil laughter, punctures van, it spins over and explodes]
Fentin, Squidward, and the Grim Reaper: [groaning]
Ice cream man: I've got you now, Patrick Star. Out of the way! This ends now!
[Fentin, Squidward, and the Grim Reaper move to show a Patrick-shaped object covered in soot. It collapses.]
Fentin, Squidward, and the Grim Reaper: Huh?
Ice cream man: [being drooled on] Where is he?
Patrick: Up here. [shown on the ceiling] And I'm hungry. [laughs, pupils turn into ice cream as he drops down]
Ice cream man: [screams, drives forward, Patrick splats on the ground]
[He drives the ice cream van forward, hitting the others in the front. Patrick chases him on all fours.]
Patrick: Come back!
[The ice cream vehicle lands in the studio.]
Squidina: Huh? They don't have a drive-on pass. [shouting] Security!
Ice cream man: [panics, tries to press gas, but the car doesn't move] Come on, come on. Something's holding us back!
Ice cream man, Fentin, Squidward, and the Grim Reaper: Huh?
[Patrick is trying to devour the vehicle whole. It spins and Patrick has a chunk of it in his mouth, while the vehicle goes out into the street.]
Ice cream man, Fentin, Squidward, and the Grim Reaper: [screaming]
Patrick: Come back, Mr. Ice Cream Man!
Ice cream man: Ha ha, see you later! [crashes into flyswatter machine, which flattens them into a disc] Well, I guess my plan fell flat. [all grunting]
[A construction worker tows them away.]
Patrick: So tragic. I never got my ice cream. [sees raw meat] Oh, new flavor! Ooh. [scoops it in an ice cream cone and eats it]
[Chum transitions to the Chum Bucket. The ice cream man is in a cast, the Grim Reaper is just a skull, Squidward is in a neck brace and arm sling, and Fentin is bandaged.]
Fentin: Maybe next time, we should get revenge on them as a group instead of one by one.
Plankton: [jumps down] Maybe next time you should buy some chum! [they run away again]