Can You Spare a Dime?: Puppet Edition!/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants Pineapple Playhouse short "Can You Spare a Dime?: Puppet Edition!," which aired on December 31, 2020.

French narrator: [Camera cuts to the exterior of The Krusty Krab] Closing time at the Krusty Krab.
Mr. Krabs: [counts money in his register] five, ten, 25, blue, apple sauce. Everything looks to be in order. Except... [gasps] Where is it? [takes apart the register in search of something] Where is it?
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: The first dime I ever made! I always keep it in the back of the register for luck!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, are you prepared to say that with your hand on a stack of interpretive dance quarterlies? [pulls out a stack of dance quarterlies]
Squidward: Of course I'm... [makes a shocked face] What are you saying?
Mr. Krabs: One, you stole it. Two, you stole it. Or three—you stole it!
Squidward: [enraged] I didn't take your precious dime!
Mr. Krabs: Show me your tentacles.
Squidward: What?!
Squidward: I quit!
Squidward: I'm outta here!
SpongeBob: Squidward, you're making a big mistake!
Squidward: Mistake? Ha! The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life at the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I can't stop you.
SpongeBob: If you ever get in trouble, come find me. I'll take care of you. 'Cause you and me... [grabs Squidward and pulls him toward himself] ...we're like brothers, only closer. [lifts Squidward's shirt and their hearts are somehow joined together and beating in unison. Creepy alien music plays before Squidward screams and leaps away from SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, I don't need your help. I am ready to unlock my potential. I could be anything I set my mind to. [imagines himself in various following jobs] I could be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.
Squidward: Next time you see me, this town will be eating out of the palm of my hands! [skips to a homeless Squidward in a box trying to get spare change in a cup from passersby] Spare change? Spare change, ma'am?
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward, is that you?
Squidward: Uh, I, uh... [closes his box]
SpongeBob: It's me, SpongeBob. [opens his box up] We used to work together.
SpongeBob: So, where you living these days?
Fish: Squidward Tentacles?
Squidward: Yes?
Fish: Sign here, please. [Squidward signs and the fish takes his box]
Squidward: Uh... nowhere.
Squidward: [sobs] I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!
SpongeBob: [gasps]
SpongeBob: There, there. You can come live with me. [shown at SpongeBob's house] Here you go, Squidward. You can sleep in my bed. [Squidward is laying in SpongeBob's bed]
Squidward: Okay, but just until I get a job. One day... two days tops.
SpongeBob: [baby talk] Nonsense. You stay as long as you need to. [kisses Squidward on his nose] [turns the lamp off then yawns] Good night, Gary.
Squidward: SpongeBob, can I get a glass of water? [bottom floor light turns on and SpongeBob marches up stairs and turns on the light to give Squidward the water] Thank you.
SpongeBob: Good night. [marches back down stairs and turns off the light]
Squidward: SpongeBob, could I get some more blankets? [SpongeBob marches upstairs again turning on the lights on the way up there]
SpongeBob: Here you go.
Squidward: Thank you. [SpongeBob goes downstairs again, accidentally leaving Squidward's light on] SpongeBob, you forgot to turn out the light! [SpongeBob marches upstairs]
SpongeBob: Good night. [turns off the light and when he walks downstairs he trips and makes lots of noises]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [gasps] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader and he would never take advantage of me.
French narrator: Three weeks later...
SpongeBob: [exhausted] He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back. [falls down]
French narrator: Many months later...
SpongeBob: [even more exhausted. Gary looks tired as well] I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough. [falls down]
British Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one...
[SpongeBob drags himself into the room, by now utterly exhausted. Gary doesn't look sympathetic, though.]
Gary: Meow, meow, meow.
SpongeBob: [annoyed] I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!
Squidward: SpongeBob, where's my lemonade?
Squidward: [SpongeBob enters his bedroom] And why aren't you in uniform? [SpongeBob exits room and re-enters in a maid outfit] It's about time you got here!
Squidward: 4:00. Time for my stories. Hurry up, they won't hold the show while you laze around. [SpongeBob rolls in a TV and hands Squidward the remote. Squidward turns it on to see two puppets: a green puppet, which represents Squidward, and a yellow one wearing a shirt and tie similar to SpongeBob]
Puppet #1: [puppet #2 is whistling] Hey, where are you going?
Puppet #2: To my job.
Puppet #2: I'm not some lazy, inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day.
Puppet #1: Say, where can I get one of these... jobs?
Puppet #2: Oh, they're everywhere. [the camera moves back in the room, showing SpongeBob making voices with the puppets] Especially if you're green and have six tentacles.
Puppet #1: Thanks. I'm gonna go look for one, so I can stop...
SpongeBob: ...mooching off my friends and they can get back to their lives!
Squidward: This isn't my show. [presses the remote, but nothing happens] SpongeBob, the remote control is broken! Get over here and fix it!
SpongeBob: [angrily] I've got a better idea! [throws the TV away and jumps on top of Squidward in bed] Because when I need a job [pokes Squidward's nose] done, I get someone with a job [pokes Squidward's nose again] to do [pokes Squidward's nose for the third time] that job! [pokes Squidward's nose for the fourth time]
Squidward: [narrows his eyelids] What are you saying?
[This turns out to be the last straw. Outside, it is day. SpongeBob's house jumps into the air before the side is smashed out as a furious SpongeBob pushes the bed, with Squidward still in it, outside and towards the Krusty Krab while screaming in total fury.]
SpongeBob: [finally snaps in extreme rage, grabbing Mr. Krabs by the throat and holding him up in the air] Listen, you crustaceous cheapskate, Squidward's been living at my house, driving me crazy! [shakes him violently with wide open and bloodshot eyes, screaming] And you're not gonna hire him back all because of a stupid dime?! [a prehistoric dime falls out of Mr. Krabs' back pocket. SpongeBob suddenly calms down and lets go of Mr. Krabs] What's that?
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Me first dime.
SpongeBob: This is a dime?
Mr. Krabs: I've been in business a long time, boy.
SpongeBob: So, if Squidward never stole the dime, he can come back to work, right?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad, just let the dime and me have our privacy. [kisses the dime. SpongeBob cheers before running off]
SpongeBob: Yeeee-aah-hoooo!
Mr. Krabs: It's all water under the bridge now.
Squidward: I agree, sir.
Mr. Krabs: After all, I'm sure ya didn't mean to misplace me dime.
Squidward: What the... What are you saying?
Squidward: Are you accusing me of something? [SpongeBob puts the maid costume back on over his clothes, ready for the inevitable]
Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you put the dime in me pants. [outside the Krusty Krab] Two, you put the dime in me pants. Or three, you put the dime in me pants!