Chocolate with Nuts: Puppet Edition!/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants Pineapple Playhouse short "Chocolate with Nuts: Puppet Edition!," which aired on June 17, 2023.

[as a compiled sneak peek of the short]
SpongeBob: We'll be traveling chocolate bar salesmen.
Baby Prunes: What are they selling?
Incidental 87: Chocolates!
Incidental 6: Chocolates?
Incidental 118C: Ah, ha ha!
SpongeBob: No no, please don't hurt us!
Incidental 6: CHOCOLATE!
SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
[the sneak peek concludes and a custom-made version of the title card appears, as the episode begins. It's a nice day in Bikini Bottom, and SpongeBob hides in the mailbox while Incidental 154 prepares to deliver mail.]
SpongeBob: Hi Mailman!
Incidental 154: [screams]
SpongeBob: Okay, see you tomorrow. Hey, the mail's here!
Patrick: What'd you get?
SpongeBob: Hey, a magazine! That's funny. I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest'8.
SB and Pat: [open the mag] Woah!
Squidward: Give me that. Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities.
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward - how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
Squidward: They're entrepreneurs, they sell things to people. Now keep your paws off my mail.
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We got to become entrepreneurs.
Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking! If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
Patrick: A chocolate bar?
SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat. We'll be traveling chocolate bar salesmen. [bubble transition to the duo's first customer, as SB knocks on his door] Fancy living, here we come! [knocks on door]
Incidental 6: [opens the door]
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir. Could we interest you in some... chocolate?
Incidental 6: Chocolate? Chocolate!? [screams] Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Choc-
[bubble cuts to their next customer]
SpongeBob: Okay. The first guy didn't count. This is our real first step.
Incidental 118C: [opens door]
SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. Would you like to buy some chocolate?
Incidental 118C: Chocolate bars, eh?
SpongeBob: Yes, sir. We are chocolate bar salesmen.
Incidental 118C: Well, no self-respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these. [presents SpongeBob and Patrick candy bar bags]
SpongeBob: Wowwww - what is it?
Incidental 118C: It's a candy bar bag, you knucklehead. It's specially designed a cradle each candy bar in velvet lined comforts. But I'm wasting my time. You don't need these bags.
SB and Pat: We need 'em! We need 'em! [after a bubble transition, the two are seen happily singing and prancing across the road with their candy bar bags] Fancy living, here we come! La la la la la!
SpongeBob: Let's try next door! [rings on 118C's doorbell]
Incidental 118C: [opens door] Yes?
SpongeBob: Huh?
SpongeBob: Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
Incidental 118C: I don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellows have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy bar bag carrying bags!
Patrick: We'll take 20.
SpongeBob: I can understand what we're doing wrong - there must be something to this selling game that we're just not getting. Other people do it, I mean, look at that! [points at "Barnacle Chips" billboard] "Eat "Barnacle Chips." They're delicious." They are most certainly not delicious.
Patrick: Not the way I use 'em!
SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day.
Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick - we've got to stretch the truth!
Incidental 6: [screams and chases the two]
Incidental 87: Yes?
SpongeBob: Hello, young lady. We're selling chocolate.
Patrick: [chuckles]
SpongeBob: Is your mother home?
Incidental 87: [yells] Mom?!
Baby Prunes: [rolled in on her wheelchair by Inc87] What? What-What's all that yelling!? You just can't wait for me to die, can you?!
Incidental 87: They're selling chocolate.
Baby Prunes: Chocolate?
Incidental 87: Yeah!
Mom: What? What are they selling?
Incidental 87: Chocolate!
Baby Prunes: What?
Incidental 87: Chocolate!
Baby Prunes: I can't hear you!
Incidental 87: They're selling chocolate!
Baby Prunes: They're selling chocolate?
Incidental 87: Yeah!
Baby Prunes: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate... I always HATED it.
SpongeBob: [sweating desperately] Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for....
Patrick: You rub it on your skin, and it makes you live forever.
Baby Prunes: Live forever you say? I'll take one!
Incidental 87: [shakes her head in desperation]
Baby Prunes: Come on, you Lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
Incidental 87: [rolls Prunes back into her home] I hate you.
SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
Patrick: Hooray for lying!
[cuts to a montage]
SpongeBob: They make you fly!
Patrick: You'll walk through walls!
SpongeBob: You'll rule the world!
[cuts to a bubble transition, with SpongeBob and Patrick seen in faulty stitches and casts. SB rings the doorbell.]
Incidental 118C: [opens door very slightly] What can I do for you boys?
SpongeBob: Hello, sir! Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
Incidental 118C: Really? [comes out of his house with a similar outfit] Small world. I was born with glass, bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. [cuts to a shot of a deeply touched SB and Pat] At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep. Oh, no! [snaps from bloodwork machine and falls down the stairs] Oh!-[crash]-Ick!-[crash]-Ow..
SpongeBob: Quick, Patrick. Let's help him. [he and Pat pick him up and bring him into his house] Careful. Put him down gently.
Incidental 118C: [Patrick doesn't drop him gently, causing him more pain] Owww.
SpongeBob: Oh, poor, poor man. If there's anything, anything we can do to help you-
Incidental 118C: There is one thing. As you can well imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I'm able to keep myself alive by selling - chocolate bars. [cuts to a shot of 118C looking out the window, seeing SB and Pat carrying out boxes of bars] Such nice boys. It does my heart good to con a couple of class A suck-a-rooney's like those two. [laughs while rubbing his fins over the dollar bills he earned, leading into a bubble transition]
SpongeBob: Don't get me wrong, Patrick, it's great that we help that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to. Woah-oh-oh! [trips and falls onto the floor, being crushed by the box he's carrying. Patrick throws another box on top of SB and sits on it] Let's change our names to why and bother.
Incidental 6: [suddenly pops up] CHOCOLATE!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming near-incomprehensibly in terror, asking Inc6 to spare them]
Incidental 6: [crazily laughs] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys ALL DAY! Now that I've got you right where I want you! - I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [presents stacks of cash to the two]
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick melt into liquid] Thank you for your patronage.
[bubble transitions to a shot of Fancy! at night
Squidward: Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
Waiter C: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.
Squidward: But - it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who can afford to rent out the whole restaurant?
Waiter C: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs - and their dates.
SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
Baby Prunes: WHAT?! WHAT DID HE SAY?
[the short concludes, ending with a sped-up behind-the-scenes clip of the "Pineapple Playhouse" crew creating the previous scene]
Baby Prunes: WHAT?! WHAT DID HE SAY?