Cretins of the Night/transcript

This article is a transcript of the Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years episode "Cretins of the Night/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [The episode opens with a shot of the Trawler cabin. Inside, Preda Tory, Kidferatu, Roxy, Jimmy Blobfish, SpongeBob, and Patrick are sitting in front of the TV, watching a movie. Patrick's feet are covered by a picnic blanket.]
• Man on TV: [screams, off-screen]
• Everyone except Kidferatu: [laughs]
• Preda: [takes popcorn] I am beginning to think these reckless teens aren't [gets handful of popcorn] going to make it to the end of the movie! [eats popcorn]
• Woman on TV: [screams, off-screen]
• Everyone except Kidferatu: [laughs]
• Big Roxy: The wild one just backed into Count Sippy's chambers!
• [They lean forward. SpongeBob and Patrick look worried, while Preda, Jimmy, and Roxy are excited. A bloodsucking sound is heard from the TV.]
• Preda: Oh, yeah! [points to TV] Count Sippy is getting his drink on! [laughs] Chug!
• Everyone except Kidferatu: Chug! Chug! Chug!
• French Narrator: [narrating time card] One movie later...
• [The group is crying. SpongeBob and Patrick hug each other and Preda blows her nose into a handkerchief.]
• Little Roxy: Aw, Count Sippy was so cool! Why would they put a stake through his heart? [hugs Big Roxy]
• SpongeBob: Gee, all the poor guy wanted to do was [reaches for handkerchief] give her vampire powers! [sniffs, blows nose]
• Patrick: Can you imagine how amazing it would be? [grabs a picnic blanket and uses it as a cape, appears against a live-action castle] To be a vampire?
• [A live-action sponge with muscular arms and vampire fangs runs on a track and field court.]
• SpongeBob: The superhuman [looks admirably] strength and speed?
• [A live-action starfish with fangs and wings appears against a spiral background.]
• Patrick: The ability to [eyes turn swirly] hypnotize the small minds of mere morsels?
• [They flap their wings next to a live-action bat against a night sky with a full moon.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: And turn into a bat! [Patrick falls]
• Patrick: Oh? Huh? [pokes Kidferatu's eye] This guy's [looks in his mouth] a vampire! [turns to SpongeBob] He can give us vampire powers!
• SpongeBob: [comes in] Ooh! How about it, Junior Camp Counselor Kidferatu? [eyes go sparkly, he and Patrick lean in] Will you turn us into vampires?
• Kidferatu: [loud hiss, scaring SpongeBob and Patrick and shaking the cabin, causing red light to flash out, head rotates and eyes turn red, points accusingly]
• Preda: Sorry, darlings, but he says no. [holds up hand] It is unthinkable!
• Patrick: What are you talking about? We just thought it right in front of him!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [begging] Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! [...]
• [They shake Kidferatu's arms, SpongeBob hugs him, Patrick jumps on his back and plays his head like a drum. Kidferatu shoves them off and holds out his hand at them, hissing. He turns around and begins crafting something, which he does not let them see. He turns around and hisses.]
• Preda: He says he won't turn you into an immortal vampire, but...
• [Kidferatu holds out his hand, which has a fake vampire face on it. He moves his hand to mime it talking.]
• Kidferatu's hand: But I will turn you into a temporary vampire! Blah!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh boy! [turn to show their veins]
• Kidferatu's hand: Blah! [sucks Patrick's veins] Blah! [sucks SpongeBob's veins]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes shrink as they go grayscale. They fall into some open coffins, which close, spin, and open to show them in vampire outfits.]
• SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! We're Draculas now!
• Patrick: [confused] You are! I'm just French!
• SpongeBob: [playfully] Oh yeah? Then why is your tooth pointy?
• Patrick: Huh? [pokes his fang, recoils in pain] Ow! Hey, I am a Dracula!
• SpongeBob: Let's frolic through the night!
• [They laugh and jump outside their coffins, but float upwards and hit their heads on the ceiling. SpongeBob flaps in place, Patrick zooms off in one direction, then hits SpongeBob against the wall with his back.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! [...]
• Kidferatu: [facepalms, groans, holds out his hand]
• Kidferatu's hand: Blah! The trick to floating is all in the glutes!
• [Kidferatu shows his butt and moves it to float slowly back and forth.]
• SpongeBob: Oh!
• Patrick: [laughing]
• SpongeBob: Yeah, yeah! [flexes his butt and flies around] Uh-huh! It's easy when you know how! [he and Patrick fly]
• Patrick: Oh! We just had to use our butt brains!
• [They fly out of the cabin, with Kidferatu following.]
• Kidferatu's hand: To be a vampire, you must master the art of transformation!
• [Kidferatu turns into a bat, flies around in a circle, and turns back to normal.]
• Kidferatu's hand: Now you try! You must become the bat! Blah!
• [SpongeBob tenses his body and transforms into a bat.]
• SpongeBob: [laughs] I did it! Now you try, Patrick!
• Patrick: Watch and look, pal! [transforms into a hat]
• Kidferatu's hand: Not quite.
• Patrick: [transforms into a rat]
• Kidferatu's hand: No...
• Patrick: [transforms into a cat]
• Kidferatu's hand: Almost there...
• Patrick: [transforms into a baseball bat] Hmm?
• Kidferatu's hand: Eh, close enough. Blah!
• SpongeBob: Come, my bloody buddy! Let's go flying! [they fly off, repeatedly bashing into each other and laughing, until they spot something] Oh, wow, look at that!
• [Shot of a bug zapper on top of a cabin. SpongeBob and Patrick fly to it.]
• Patrick: I wanna taste the colors!
• SpongeBob: So pretty...
• [They fly up and get zapped. They bounce back, are confused, and run into it a few more times, yelling in pain.]
• Kidferatu's hand: Listen to them! The children of the night! What embarrassments they are! Bleh! [SpongeBob and Patrick hit the zappers again, Kidferatu rolls his eyes]
• [Kidferatu grabs baseball bat Patrick and smacks SpongeBob with him, leaving them dizzy. He shakes his head.]
• Kidferatu: Uh-uh-uh.
• [A flashlight shines on them, shocking them and making SpongeBob and Patrick turn out of bat form.]
• Krabs: Hey! What are you kids doing out of your bunks? It's lights out!
• Kidferatu's hand: Observe! This is how you bend the will of a mere mortal! Blah!
• Krabs: [shuts off flashlight] You three are floating around awfully suspiciously...
• Kidferatu: [waves his non-puppet hand out, eyes go swirly and a spiral background appears]
• Kidferatu's hand: Blah! You are in my thrall!
• Krabs: [gasps, eyes go swirly] Yes... Master...
• Kidferatu's hand: [with swirly eyes] Now dance! Dance! Dance like nobody's watching!
• [Krabs dances away, making silly noises.]
• Patrick: [laughs, points at Krabs] Free will is an illusion.
• SpongeBob: [scratches head] Hmmm. Now who can we hypnotize? [they all turn to look at someone]
• Squidward: [off-screen] La da di, la da dum...
• [Squidward exits the outhouse and sees SpongeBob and Patrick floating in front of him.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [eyes go swirly, wave their arms] Hypnotize!
• Squidward: [eyes go swirly, enters a trance]
• Patrick: You are under our shawl!
• Squidward: Yes, my idiot masters...
• Patrick: What should we make him do?
• SpongeBob: Ooh, I know! [with swirly eyes] Mr. Tentacles, I command you to smile!
• [Squidward's bones crack as he makes a creepy smile, horrifying SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick covers his eyes.]
• SpongeBob: [screams] Stop smiling! Stop smiling!
• Patrick: Ewww! Let me try! [with swirly eyes] Mr. Tendergills, swallow your whole arm!
• [Squidward devours his arm.]
• Patrick: [laughs]
• SpongeBob: [waving fingers] Now dance from the depths of your artistic soul!
• [Squidward makes silly noises and does a dance.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing]
• Patrick: Hey, dancing boy! Why don't you do-si-do over to the canteen and make me a sandwich?
• [Squidward dances away, the sounds of kitchen utensils are heard, and he dances back with a sandwich, which he gives to Patrick.]
• Patrick: Ooh! Come to papa, big boy! [tries to eat the sandwich, but his mouth moves on the side of his face] Oh! [tries to eat it there, but his mouth moves back] Oh! Think you're clever, smart mouth? [shoves the sandwich in his mouth, but his tongue fights it off and swats it away, then wags a finger at him] Oh, come on! I'm hungry!
• Kidferatu's hand: Blah! Surely you remember that vampires do not eat food! They drink blood!
• Patrick: Wha... you-you mean we're supposed to drink our fellow campers?
• SpongeBob: We can't do that! They're our friends!
• Kidferatu's hand: There is no need to drink your friends... anymore! Blah! I have a workaround!
• [Kidferatu takes SpongeBob and Patrick to the nurse's office.]
• Kidferatu's hand: Here it is! The first aid cabin! Or as I call it, [sting of organ music] the buffet! Blah!
• [Kidferatu enters and flies to the fridge.]
• Patrick: I don't see no buffet...
• Kidferatu's hand: Here, [opens fridge to reveal multiple blood packs] blah!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [looking inside] Whoa!
• Kidferatu's hand: Enough blood to make you fat and happy as a tick! Enjoy! Blah!
• [Kidferatu poofs into a bat and flies away. SpongeBob and Patrick get blood packs and stick straws in them, then drink. They sit down and sigh in relaxation.]
• Patrick: Hey, what flavor did you get?
• SpongeBob: I got B positive! What flavor did you get?
• Patrick: [looking at back of his blood pack] I got razzleberry AB negative. [smugly] You wanna taste it?
• SpongeBob: Ooh, yes, please!
• [Patrick squirts the blood in SpongeBob's face., to SpongeBob's confusion.]
• Patrick: [laughs] Sucker!
• SpongeBob: [playfully] Oh, I'll show you who's the sucker, vampire! [squirts blood at him]
• [They take turn spraying blood at each other, then flying around. SpongeBob sprays blood at Patrick from behind a counter, and Patrick ambushes him when he opens a curtain.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing]
• [Nurse Helga opens the door.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Huh
• Helga: What have we got here!? [adjusts glasses] Looks like a couple of vampires!
• Patrick: [holding AB positive blood bag] Nope. We're French.
• Helga: I know a vampire when I see one! [reaches in toolkit] You might feel... [takes out two wooden stakes] a pinch!
• SpongeBob: [gasps, grabs Patrick] She wants to nurse us to death! Run!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick float away, through the walls of the nurse's office. Helga looks out from the crack.]
• Helga: Running from me is a big [raises stakes] misstake! [sinks down, then crawls out]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick hide behind a cabin and look out.]
• SpongeBob: I think we lost her!
• [Helga descends behind them with a wire, eats some garlic whole, and chews.]
• Patrick: Did you hear that?
• [They turn around to see Helga, who breathes her garlic-y breath at them. It forms into a hammer and bashes them, dazing Patrick and making SpongeBob cough.]
• SpongeBob: Garlic breath! [flies away and grabs Patrick]
• [They go to the lake and get into a canoe, then row it away. In the middle of the lake, Helga pops out of the canoe and takes a picture with them. They are not visible in the resulting photo. SpongeBob and Patrick scream and run into Mrs. Puff's lighthouse. They relax until the TV turns on. They go in front of it and find static, with Helga appearing on TV and climbing out. They scream and hide behind a rock.]
• SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick? There's something weird in your hair...
• Patrick: Huh? [messing up his hair] Get it out! Get it out!
• SpongeBob: Okay, hold still. [parts Patrick's hair to see Helga's face]
• Helga: [laughs]
• SpongeBob: [screams]
• [Patrick and SpongeBob run away, with Helga getting out of Patrick's hair and chasing him. SpongeBob and Patrick try to enter another cabin, but Helga is already inside, and sprays them with some water.]
• Patrick: [screams, flies away] Bath water! It's burning the dirt from my flesh!
• SpongeBob: We better do something or Nurse Helga's gonna destroy us!
• [They fly into the doors of the general store, which is closed, and try to pull them open. They bang on the door as Helga pursues them with finger razors equipped. They look at the razors.]
• Patrick: I'm done being a vampire now!
• SpongeBob: Me too!
• [Helga swipes at them, but they run out of the way screaming. They burst into the Trawler cabin.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Junior Counselor Kidferatu! [they kneel in front of him]
• SpongeBob: Help us! Nurse Helga's a vampire hunter! She wants to give us a wooden stake!
• Patrick: Yeah! And you made us allergic to wooden stakes!
• SpongeBob: We had no idea being a vampire was so dangerous! Please turn us back!
• Kidferatu's hand: Well, blah, if you insist! [slaps them back into their coffins, which shake and turn them back to normal]
• Patrick: Huh?
• Helga: [off-screen] Eat pressed garlic! [sprays a garlic press at SpongeBob and Patrick]
• Patrick: Hey! It only stinks!
• SpongeBob: We're regular campers again! [they exit their coffins]
• Helga: Last time I checked, regular campers are supposed to be in bed at this hour! [sprays them with water] Now get going!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [running away] Yes, ma'am!
• Patrick: Oh, it still stinks!
• Helga: Well, [takes a dollar from Kidferatu] I don't think those two will want to be vampires anymore.
• Kidferatu's hand: Thank you! They're nice kids, but annoying vampires. Blah!
• Helga: Well, now that I'm up, what do you say we watch a horror movie?
• Kidferatu: [hisses]
• [Helga and Kidferatu go back into the Trawler cabin. Squidward and Krabs dance by, still making silly noises. Iris out on the middle of the screen.]