Enemies à la Mode/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Enemies à la Mode/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins at the Star House, where Patrick is spinning a large wheel.]
Patrick: Come on, wheel! Give me a good idea for my show! [He excitedly watches the wheel spin. It lands on "Eel Hats."] Eel hats? I guess we could do a fashion episode. [He puts an eel on his head that electrocutes him as he yells. The eel then jumps off of him] Yow! Well, that's no good. Hmph. Who knew making TV shows would be harder than watching TV shows? [He spins the wheel again, but it spins off the hanger. Squidina walks into the room.]
Squidina: Morning, [narrowly avoids being hit by the wheel] Patrick! [she playfully punches Patrick, who is upset] How's the ol' creative process going?
Patrick: [falls over sideways] Terrible! I've been spinning all morning, and I still got nothing. [sulks]
[Squidina looks at the wheel, which is embedded into the wall. A piece of drywall falls off.]
Squidina: Uh-huh... Well, I'm sure he'll come up with a neat show idea, like...
[Patrick and Squidina suddenly hear something. Patrick's head pops off and spins around.]
Patrick: Ice cream! [he runs off on all fours, slobbering]
Squidina: [grunts]
[Patrick runs through the wall.]
Squidina: [shrugs] Well, looks like we're doing another ice cream show! [runs after him]
[Outside, a waiter is giving kids ice cream from a Goofy Goober ice cream truck, doing elaborate tricks.]
Waiter: ♪ Who's the peanut with a man inside that sings your favorite song? ♪ Who's got sweets and frozen treats that you can spend your money on? Who's your favorite ice cream man from now until you're gone? ♪
Kids: ♪ The Goober truck guy! ♪ [start eating ice cream]
Waiter: ♪ Who shows you how to... ♪ [crash noise] Ah! It's him! Sweet Neptune!
[Patrick is running after the ice cream truck.]
Kid: I'll take a Sweet Neptune.
[The waiter is nervous, and has a flashback to him as a kid, eating ice cream with a younger Patrick. Patrick drops his ice cream cone and looks sad. The waiter offers his ice cream, which Patrick licks. He is amazed and eats the entire cone, then jumps into the ice cream truck and eats from a carton of ice cream. He gets in the driver's seat and drives into Goofy Goober's, blowing it up. Patrick eats the ice cream as it continues to rain down from the sky.]
Waiter: The horror. The horror!
[The kids start panicking as Patrick runs closer. The waiter closes the shutters just in time, but Patrick's face can be seen through the metal.]
Patrick: [muffled] Ice cream! [sticks his tongue out]
Waiter: The horror!
[Patrick falls to the ground, and his tongue wraps around and hits him in the face. Squidina walks up to him.]
Squidina: Looks like you made quite the impression!
[Ouchie plays a rimshot. Cut to a still live-action crowd of people, with crickets chirping in the background. The ice cream truck drives away.]
Squidina: Hm? Now that that's over... [runs to a camera and counts on her fingers] We're live in five, four, three, two, [mouths "one"]
Patrick: Oh, no. There is no show until I get my ice cream. [he takes out a piece of paper and starts drawing in blue crayon] Mean old ice cream man! I'm gonna get your ice cream.
Squidina: [coiling up a rope] Guess if you want something done, sometimes you have to take matters into your own tentacles.
[Patrick, looking annoyed, has his limbs controlled by various ropes pulled by Squidina.]
Squidina: [imitating Patrick] Welcome to "The Patrick Show"! Today, we are talking about...uh... uh, oh--enemies! I got 'em. You got 'em. Sometimes, I'm my own sister's enemy 'cause I go crazy and I ruin all her hard work. Now, here's a pre-recorded segment, [Patrick wheels in a TV] from when I wasn't being such a stubborn jerk.
[The TV turns on. Patrick is facing the camera.]
Patrick: Hey there! [camera turns to show his house, as he walks up to it in first-person] Today we're looking at nature, which is, like, plants and rocks and books and stuff, I guess. [sees Ouchie eating] Hey! There's my pet, Ouchie. He's natural. And he's got a big bowl of yummy, tasty, urchin food!
[A sea bunny jumps out of the bushes.]
Patrick: And there's his natural enemy, the sea bunny. I call him Pinkeye.
[Pinkeye smells Ouchie's food and floats up to it.]
Pinkeye: Ooh!
Patrick: Ooh, he's hungry! I wonder if Ouchie will share?
[Pinkeye reaches for Ouchie's food. Ouchie pricks him, causing his hand to swell up.]
Patrick: Mother says sharing is caring, but she never wants to share her lipstick with me.
[Pinkeye growls at Ouchie. Ouchie continues eating.]
Patrick: Whoa! Let's see what happens next. Probably nothing. Nature's boring!
[Pinkeye is standing next to Ouchie.]
Patrick: Heh-heh, get him, Ouchie.
[Ouchie reaches for Pinkeye, but gets his hand stuck in a mousetrap and babbles angrily.]
Patrick: Oh, no! One time, I got my tongue stuck in a trap like that.
Pinkeye: [laughs and licks lips, then steps forward to get stuck in another mousetrap and screams]
Patrick: If I ever find out who put that cheese on there...
[Ouchie gets slammed by another mousetrap.]
Patrick: Whoa! Look out, Ouchie!
[Pinkeye laughs. The house is caught in another mousetrap.]
Patrick: Look out, house!
[Zoom out to the Earth, which is caught in a mousetrap.]
Patrick: Look out, world!
[The Earth escapes and is split in half.]
Patrick: Look out!-- Oh, that's it.
[The house is split in half, with Pinkeye on the left side and Ouchie and his food on the right.]
Patrick: I guess we live in a duplex now.
[Ouchie laughs and blows a raspberry. Pinkeye rides by on a rocket and steals his food, then blows a raspberry.]
Patrick: Rockets? Cool!
[Ouchie takes out his own rocket and chases Pinkeye throughout space.]
Patrick: Boy, oh, boy! Nature isn't boring! It's got chase scenes!
[The show pauses and zooms out, back to Squidina.]
Squidina: All right, Patrick. Ready to host yet? It's almost the top of the hour and you still gotta plug the sponsors!
[Patrick is making his own cardboard rocket.]
Patrick: [grunts] I'm not plugging anything except my mouth hole with ice cream.
[Patrick dumps some glue on his rocket and inspects it.]
Squidina: [groans, facepalms]
Squidina: Fine! I guess I'll shoot some guest spots as filler.
[Patrick hits the rocket with a hammer, which bounces back and hits his face. He shoves a bunch of lit dynamite into the back.]
[Squidina talks to Bunny, who is looking through the fridge.]
Squidina: Hey, mom. Do you have any enemies?
[Bunny takes a shoe out of the fridge, and then takes a loaf of bread out of it.]
Bunny: Well, of course not, dear. I love everybody!
[Bunny puts some bread into the toaster, which shakes and spits it out. Pieces of toast are seen stuck to the ceiling.]
Bunny: Oh, but this toaster is really starting to tick me off!
[Bunny shoves a loaf of bread in the toaster, then hits it repeatedly. It begins shooting toast everywhere, cutting some flowers' heads off and launching into a fan, splattering over a portrait. Bunny returns, shoves more toast in it, then covers it with a plate. She checks her wristwatch, then removes the plate. Toast comes out of the drawers. A piece of toast sticks out of her hair, and she is unable to grab it. Two more pieces of toast begin appearing from the toaster. Bunny throws the toaster on the ground and smashes it with a rolling pin.]
Bunny: Hmm? Oh, I see the problem now. I forgot to plug it in! [laughs]
[Bunny plugs in the now beaten-up toaster. A piece of toast pops out normally.]
Squidina: [sarcastically] Phew. Thanks for displaying grace under pressure, Mom.
Bunny: Oh, I always have Grace on display.
[An old woman named Grace is in a glass display, knitting and sitting in a rocking chair. She waves at Squidina.]
Bunny: No pressure needed! [she shoves the glass away, which shatters.]
[Bunny puts the toast on a plate and butters it. Patrick is heard screaming in the background, and chases the Goofy Goober ice cream truck in his rocket.]
Patrick: I'm gonna get your ice cream!
[He flies up to the cone on top of the truck, and bites it. He falls down and spins around the rocket.]
Patrick: If this keeps up, I'm gonna lose my lunch! [A ding noise is heard, and he notices a large sandwich next to him.] Oh, boy! Lunchtime!
[He squishes the sandwich and is about to eat it. The rocket dips down and he drops the sandwich, then grabs onto the rocket from the bottom.]
Patrick: Aww... that was gonna to tide me over 'til I got some ice creaaam!
[Patrick continues flying towards the truck. Back in the Star house, Squidina runs up to GrandPat's room, where he is smashing something offscreen with a hammer.]
Squidina: GrandPat? I'm doing a segment for Patrick's show. Do you have any enemies?
GrandPat: Enemies? At my age, your only enemy is time. [he holds up a clock, which breaks] That's why I get symbolic satisfaction from smashin' clocks!
[A cuckoo bird goes off. GrandPat takes out a wooden mallet.]
GrandPat: Now, grab a hammer and laugh in Father Time's face with me!
[He smashes a clock and runs off laughing. Squidina takes out a bat and runs after him, laughing.]
[GrandPat smashes a grandfather clock. Squidina smashes an alarm clock that looks like SpongeBob's. GrandPat chainsaws a Venus de Milo recreation with a clock attached. Squidina breaks a cat-shaped clock. GrandPat puts a silver watch on the ground and makes a piano fall on it. Squidina smashes a Barnacle Boy wristwatch. The two of them break Big Ben from the inside and laugh. Back in GrandPat's room, there is a large pile of broken clocks.]
GrandPat: Mm-hmm! That'll learn 'em!
[Patrick crashes into the room, covered in soot. An alarm clock rings next to him, and he smashes it with a mallet.]
GrandPat: Aww. What's the matter, son?
Patrick: That darn ice cream man won't give me any ice cream.
GrandPat: Hmm. Sounds like the non-dairy days of ice cream prohibition. Dark times, they were.
[GrandPat has a flashback, which is grayscale and done in a rubberhose style. A group of protestors march across a street.]
GrandPat: [narrating] The lactose intolerance movement had just banned the sale of ice cream.
[He walks into a salad bar. The patrons look miserable, and one sneezes on his salad. GrandPat walks up to an employee near the back, and does a secret handshake. The employee lets him in.]
GrandPat: [narrating] With every ice cream parlor closed, I started going to sweet-easies.
[GrandPat has walked into an ice cream parlor, complete with dancers. He sits at the table and orders a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, but before he can eat it, an alarm goes off and the protestors catch him. One grabs his leg and drags him away.]
GrandPat: [narrating] And if they caught you with so much as a sample size scoop, [he is thrown into a truck full of prisoners] they threw you in the slammer [fade to GrandPat in a jail cell] and only fed you prunes.
[A sad-looking prisoner wheels in a cart of prunes. GrandPat eats them in his cell, but starts smiling.]
GrandPat: [narrating] That's where I learned to like prunes. [in the present day, GrandPat eats from a container of prunes] Yep. In those days, you had to know someone who could get you the cold stuff on the sly.
Patrick: Hey, I know someones! My sister!
[He takes Squidina's hand and runs through the wall, leaving his imprint in it.]
GrandPat: Wait! I meant, I have... some...ice cream right here. Oh, well.
[He hits a cuckoo clock. It holds out an ice cream cone, and he starts eating it.]
GrandPat: Oh, prune flavored!
[Patrick runs down the street, and hides in a bush.]
Squidina: Huh? Patrick, what are you--
Patrick: [pops out of bush] Shush! It's coming! [hides]
[An ice cream truck drives up to Squidina. The shutters open, and the waiter talks to her.]
Waiter: Well, hello, young lady. Would you like some ice cream today?
Patrick: [in bush] Two choco gonzo goobers.
Squidina: Eh, what the bush said.
Waiter: [takes out ice cream] Yep, that's an awful lot of ice cream for such a little girl.
Squidina: Oh, they're not for me. They're for my big brother.
[Patrick begins shaking inside the bush.]
Waiter: Big brother? Oh, no!
[Patrick jumps out of the bush and crashes into the waiter. He comes out wearing an ice cream man's uniform, holding ice cream.]
Patrick: Ice cream!
[He picks up the truck.]
Patrick: Ice cream!
[He pours ice cream into his mouth, then spits out the waiter. Patrick gets in the truck and drives it.]
Patrick: Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice creaaam!
Waiter: [sadly] My Goober Mobile. [angry] Get back here!
[Squidina picks up a popsicle off the ground, flicks off a bit of dirt, and licks it. Bunny runs by, chasing the defective toaster.]
Bunny: I shouldn't have unplugged it!
[GrandPat is being chased by a man with a scythe.]
Man: Laugh in Father Time's face, will ya?
[Ouchie and Pinkeye race by in rockets. Squidina licks her ice cream again.]
Squidina: Oh! Uh... that's our show. I hope you learned a lot about enemies. Or ice cream. Or toaster repair? See you next time.
[Ouchie and Pinkeye continue to fly around, GrandPat runs away from the man, the waiter chases after Patrick, and Bunny chases after her toaster. The episode ends.]