Face/Off-Model/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Face/Off-Model/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode starts with a shot of the roof of Patrick's room, where a sea chicken walks in and crows. A group of jellyfish fly into its helmet and begin to sting it, as a screech is let out. Inside the Star House, Cecil is serving breakfast.]
Cecil: [walks in, carrying a tray of burnt food] Presenting the Cecil Breakfast Special: [close-up panning shot of the burnt food] burnt pancakes, burnt toast... and, to wash it all down, burnt orange juice. Let's dig in. [makes a chef's kiss, as Bunny and Squidina stare in wonder at the food] Mwah.
Patrick: [walks into the room, only visible from the neck down, and yawns] Morning, Dad. [waves]
[Cecil and Bunny are drinking orange juice as Patrick, seen from behind, with shock. Cecil sputters his drink in Bunny's face.]
Bunny: Oh!
Patrick: Morning, Mom. [waves]
[Bunny sputters out her orange juice in Cecil's face, as he blubbers. The shot pans to GrandPat and Squidina, who are enjoying their pancakes.]
Patrick: Morning, Squidina. [waves]
[Squidina sputters out her orange juice in Bunny's face, then directly into GrandPat's mouth.]
Patrick: Morning, GrandPat. [waves]
[GrandPat guzzles down orange juice, sputtering it in Patrick's face.]
Patrick: Gee, what's everybody spitting at?
[The orange juice drips off of Patrick's face, revealing it to be off-model, with large thick eyebrows and small, spaced-out eyes. The shot zooms in, as dramatic music plays.]
Cecil: [approaches Patrick] Son, what's happened to your face?
Patrick: [rubs neck, looking around the room] Huh?
Bunny: Did you have an accident, Patrick?
Patrick: Uh, I don't know. [lifts pants, looking inside] Did I?
Squidina: I think I know what's going on. [points upward] Patrick is off-model.
Bunny and Cecil: [gasp]
Patrick: Off-model? [poses fancily] Does that mean I'm pretty?
Squidina: Mm, not exactly, Patrick. It means you look a little... [pushes Patrick's eyes together, only for them to bulge back out] different. [shrugs]
Patrick: Deh, I'm sure my fans won't notice. [looks at the viewer] Speaking of which...
[Patrick pulls the screen away, revealing the outside of the Patrick's room, where a group of lawnies sitting on chairs are waiting for The Patrick Show to begin.]
Squidina: Iiiit's "The Patrick Show," featuring your beloved host, Patrick Star.
[The lawnies cheer as the curtains of Patrick's room pull back, revealing the off-model Patrick.]
Patrick: [holds arms up] Hey, everybody!
[The lawnies scream in horror.]
Incidental 186: [repulsed] Oh, it's hideous!
Incidental 7: [repulsed] It's unappealing!
Incidental 40: [hands on head] It's unnervingly symmetrical!
Slappy: [hands together] I think he's cute.
Lawnies: [protest towards Patrick] Change Patrick back! Change Patrick back!
Patrick: [sweats and waves arms] No, it's OK, folks. [points at face, grinning] It's still me. Squidina, cut to commercial.
Squidina: I wish we could, Patrick. But all our sponsors got so grossed out, [points backwards] they fled for the hills.
[A group of sponsors, wearing poster boards, frantically run off towards the hills.]
Sponsor 1: [running] You can't sell anything with a face that ugly!
Sponsor 2: Let's get out of here!
Sponsor 1: Ooh, we need help!
Squidina: We got to get you back on-model [holds arms up] before our viewership is completely gone.
Patrick: [shrugs] What do we do?
[A make-up case slides across the screen, transition to Patrick and Squidina approaching Granny Tentacles house.]
Squidina: If there's anyone who can help you look like your old self, it's Granny Tentacles.
Patrick: Wow. [giggles and rings the doorbell]
Granny Tentacles: [opens the door] Ooh. Uh, who is this?
Patrick: [waves] Oh, hi, Granny Tentacles.
Squidina: [slides in behind Patrick] It's Patrick.
Granny Tentacles: I'm not home. [slams the door, squishing Patrick's face]
Patrick: Can... [squished, deforming face] we... [squished, deforming face] come... [squished, making a handsome face] in... [dizzy, stars rotating around head] please?
Granny Tentacles: [groans] Fine. Come in. [walks back inside, gesturing at visitors] I don't know how much my door can take. [door slams]
Squidina: We've got to put Patrick's correct face back on.
Granny Tentacles: Well, I always put my face on first thing in the morning. [rips face off] I just don't feel ready until I do.
[An alarm blaring noise is heard as Squidina and Patrick drop their jaws. Squidina lifts Patrick's jaw back up, as Patrick tugs on Squidina's head.]
Granny Tentacles: [pulls Patrick towards her] Come on. Come on. [sits Patrick by her mirror] Let's have a look at you.
[From Patrick's point of view, Granny Tentacles applies make-up, spray and paint onto his face. She then dons boxing attire and punches Patrick. Patrick grunts.]
Granny Tentacles: Well, [shows a handheld mirror, showing Patrick's face deformed to be in the shape of her face] what do you think?
Patrick: [shocked] Huh? What the-- I look like that hideous old hag next door, Granny Tentacles. [puts down the mirror and points at Granny Tentacles, screaming] So do you!
Granny Tentacles: [shrugs] What do you want for free, kid? [points at own face] I can only do the one face.
Patrick: [groans and falls off chair, startling Squidina and smashing his face back its previous off-model state] Guess I'm still off model. [throws mirror out of window]
Squidina: [thinking] Maybe we need some fatherly advice.
[A drill slides across the screen making a whirring noise, transition to Patrick and Squidina approaching the garage.]
Squidina: Don't worry, Patrick. [knocks] Dad can fix anything. He's always working on the family boat.
Cecil: [inside the garage drilling boat, then pats it] That ought to do it.
[The boat spontaneously explodes.]
Cecil: [thumbs up] Ah, perfect.
[Cecil hears a knock at the door and opens it.]
Squidina: [arms up] Hey, Dad.
Patrick: [points at face] Do you think you can fix my face?
Cecil: Well, gee, son, I've never fixed a face before.
Patrick: [thinking] Hmm. [bell dings] There you have it, then. Just pretend my face is something you've fixed before, and absolutely nothing will go wrong.
Squidina: [points up] Um--
Cecil: [arms up] Great idea, son. [walks off with Patrick] Let's get to work.
Squidina: [waves] Um!
[Patrick grunts as he's placed on a lift. Cecil is over him, holding a saw.]
Cecil: All right, son [menacing face] This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. [begins to saw]
Patrick: [laughing] Stop it!
[Cecil works on Patrick's face using a jackhammer and blowtorch.]
Patrick: [still laughing] It tickles.
Patrick: [lifts welding helmet up and wipes sweat off] Phew! [holds mirror up] That ought to do it, son. [Patrick grabs mirror] Now you look shipshape. [points at Patrick]
[Patrick looks at himself in the mirror, his face now shaped like a boat. A horn blowing sound plays as his eyes bulge out in shock and he blubbers, pointing impatiently at his face.]
Squidina: Oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry, son. [waves arms frantically] I forgot about the christening.
[Cecil grabs a glass of Sparkling Kelp Juice, and smashes it on Patrick's face. Patrick's face caves in.]
Squidina: [looks closer] You OK, Patrick?
Patrick: That depends. [grunts as face pops back out, reverted to off-model, and rubs forehead] Am I on-model yet?
[The Star family boat slides across the screen, transition to Patrick and Squidina at home]
Patrick: [arms up] It's gonna take a miracle to get my face back. Maybe even the strongest miracle of all, [holds arm out, with snowflake sparkles] a Christmas miracle.
Squidina: One problem, Patrick. [arm up] Today is Easter.
[The scene zooms out, revealing the room decorated in Easter paraphernalia.]
Patrick: [gasps] An Easter miracle? [looks at Squidina] That's even better. [walks to the TV and turns it on] Let's turn the TV to the Easter Bunny tracker.
[TV screen, Perch Perkins reporting in front of a map of the globe, where the Easter Bunny's movements are being tracked.]
Perch Perkins: Jolly old E.B. has already made it halfway around the world at breakneck speed. [the tracker stops functioning, and Perch gasps] But what's this? He appears to be stuck [zooms in to Plankenstein's castle, thunder booming] inside Plankenstein's castle.
[Inside the castle, SpongeMonster and Pat-gor watch as Dr. Plankenstein has the Easter Bunny (who is the only colored character in the scene) captive. Plankenstein holds a knife.]
Dr. Plankenstein: [laughing maniacally]
Easter Bunny: Please, let me go. The children need my eggs.
Dr. Plankenstein: [jumps up] Silence, you cotton-tailed freak! You're not going anywhere [holds knife to the Easter Bunny's stomach] until we cut you open and figure out how you lay those technicolor eggs. Why, it goes against the laws of nature.
SpongeMonster: [holding a whisk] Mm, afterwards I'll whip us up [revs whisk] an Easter egg omelet.
[Patrick barges into the scene, lifts up SpongeMonster and Pat-gor, and throws them at the door, flattening them.]
Patrick: Out of my way!
SpongeMonster and Pat-gor: [yell]
[Squidina opens the door, once again flattening the two monsters.]
Squidina: Wait up, big brother!
Patrick: [hands together] Oh, almighty Easter Bunny, [holds arm up] I've been such a good boy this year. [points fingers together] Getting my face back is my one Easter wish.
Easter Bunny: I don't usually give extra handouts on Easter, but I guess you did save me.} Maybe there's something that could help in my [rustles ear behind head, pulling out a basket] magical Easter Bunny basket carrying a big egg.
Patrick: Oh! [grabs egg] It's just a stinky old Easter egg?
[The egg hatches and a bunny-like monster with six arms and large, jagged mouth pops out. The bunny monster roars and attacks Patrick's face. Patrick manages to pull it off, his face becoming that of a porcelain doll with a beak.]
Patrick: [in a high-pitched voice] How do I look?
Squidina: [repulsed] Ew!
Easter Bunny: [repulsed] Yeesh.
[Squidina holds a mirror up to Patrick.]
Patrick: Huh? [eyes bulge out, and screams, cracking the mirror and porcelain face, then jumps onto the Easter Bunny, tugging] You got to have something, Easter Bunny. I'm at my wits' end. [falls off, then holds up the Easter Bunny's leg and a saw] Maybe a lucky rabbit's foot will do the trick.
Easter Bunny: [takes back leg] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, kid. How's about a--a--a lucky [rustles through basket, presenting a chocolate foot] chocolate rabbit's foot instead?
Patrick: [salivates, and wraps tongue around the chocolate, eating it] Hmm? [groans and holds out tongue, revealing a note]
Squidina: [grabs tongue] Patrick, look, there's a note. [close-up of note] "To find your missing face, travel forward through time & space."
Patrick: "Lucky numbers: 13, 31, and sideways 8."
Squidina: Wow, rabbit's feet really are lucky. [points up] To the time closet. [runs off, still holding onto Patrick's tongue]
Patrick: [waves] Thanks, Easter Bunny. [screams as he is being pulled off, closes door]
SpongeMonster, Pat-gor, and Dr. Plankenstein: [pop off the door and moan]
Easter Bunny: As for you three troublemakers, you wanna see how I lay those Easter eggs, huh? [points butt towards the screen, loaded gun sound and grunts]
[Dr. Plankenstein and the monsters run out of the castle and scream, being pelted with eggs.]
Easter Bunny: [head and butt poking out door] Ha! There's plenty more where that came from!
[Eggs slide across the screen, transition to Patrick and Squidina in front of the time closet.]
Squidina: [thinking] How far into the future should we go?
Patrick: How about... [spins dial] to season five of "The Patrick Show"? [holds arm up]
[Patrick and Squidina spin around in the time closet. Electricity crackles and they are transported into the future.]
Squidina: [walking out] Huh, everything looks the same.
Season 5 Patrick: [cutesy voice off-screen] Ho, ho.
[A chibi, rounded version of Patrick is shown holding his arms up.]
Season 5 Patrick: [cutesy voice] Welcome to the new "Patrick Show." Today we're gonna talk about friendship [sparkles] and feelings. [heart eyes, giggles]
[SpongeBob, Bubble Bass and Slappy, along with a few other lawnies, are seen outside the room in a similar cutesy style, laughing and clapping.]
Season 5 Slappy: I love feelings.
Squidina and Patrick: [repulsed] Ugh!
Squidina: Not the Patrick we're looking for.
Patrick: We must have moved to a different network for season five. [with Squidina, walks back into the time closet]
[The time closet's dial spins again, landing on Season 22. Patrick and Squidina peek out of the time closet to see an alien deformed Patrick.]
Season 22 Patrick: [speaking backwards] Welcome to the Patrick Show!
Squidina and Patrick: Nope. [back in the time closet]
[The time closet's dial spins again, landing on Season 64. We see a Patrick with an elongated head and small face.]
Patrick: Nuh-uh.
[We see a Patrick with a squished face and large vein.]
Squidina: Not that one.
[Various different Patricks pass by. We see a grotesque Basil Wolverton-style Patrick, who snarls, a Patrick who is a realistic sea star with googly eyes, a pony Patrick with an ice cream tattoo, a Patrick resembling a triangle diagram, a Patrick made entirely of eyeballs, a Patrick made of gems, a Patrick with a donut mouth, a Patrick with a cat face, a stop-motion Patrick in a knight costume, a Patrick resembling a train whistle with gears for eyes, and finally normal Patrick.
Patrick: Stop! That's the one we're looking for.
[The future Patrick opens his mouth extremely wide and snarls, showing a separated mouth with sharp teeth.]
Patrick: Yup, classic Patrick.
Squidina: I don't think so.
Future Patrick: Hmm?
Patrick: [grunts, attempting to turn dial] Stupid dial won't turn anymore.
Squidina: Patrick, stop. [holds hand out] I think we made it to the end of time.
[Zoom-out to an abstract environment, a morphed Star house surrounded by various morphed characters - Mr. Krabs with long spider legs, a large Gary with sings, a stone bust of SpongeBob and a melting Squidward. The morphed Krabs trips on the house, and a teapot flies in, pouring upward. Patrick and Squidina look out of the room. Another morphed Squidward and a flying glass with an eyeball are seen.]
Squidina: Shoot, we went through all that time and no sign of on-model Patrick. [looks at Patrick] Guess you'll be off-model forever.
On-model Patrick: [off-screen] Hey there, end-of-timers.
Squidina: Huh? Well, you seem chipper.
Patrick: [shrug] I didn't say anything.
[An on-model Patrick is presenting.]
On-model Patrick: And welcome to the final episode of "The Patrick Show." [star eyes]
Squidina and Patrick: On-model Patrick? [walk onto stage]
On-model Patrick: Huh? Off-model Patrick?
Both Patricks: [pointing at each other] What are you doing here? [smack heads together and laugh] I remember now.
Squidina: Wait, what?
On-model Patrick: [points at other Patrick] We switched times...
Off-model Patrick: [points at other Patrick] So that I could try...
On-model Patrick: My time's version of...
Both Patricks: [arms up] The Cecil Breakfast Special.
Squidina: We went through all that just so you could have some burnt pancakes?
Off-model Patrick: Well, duh. My time's Cecil makes these gross buttery, fluffy pancakes.
[Shot moves to the kitchen table, with a plate of eaten pancakes.]
Off-model Patrick: Hey, where'd they go?
On-model Patrick: [face and neck stuffed with pancakes] Beats me. [gulps] Mmm. Disgusting. Well, I think it's high time [pokes off-model Patrick in the eye] I head back to my time.
[Off-model versions of the rest of the Star family walk in.]
Off-model Bunny: Aw, leaving so soon?
Off-model Cecil: We're gonna miss you, on-model son.
On-model Patrick: [arms up] I'll miss you too, off-model family.
[They hug as the off-model lawnies outside cheer.]
All: Aww.
Off-model SpongeBob: Hooray!
Off-model Slappy: Oh yes, this was the best final episode.
[Clocks slide across the screen, transition to Patrick and Squidina exiting the time closet.]
Squidina: Let's agree to never go off-model again.
Patrick: You said it, sis.
[Zoom-out to the backs of Bunny and Cecil's faces, as Squidina and Patrick notice them.]
Cecil: Hiya, kids.
[A grotesque Bunny and Cecil are seen, with their facial features stitched and messed up.]
Patrick: Mom? Dad?
Cecil: We got plastic surgery [pointing at Patrick] so you'd feel less bad about-- uh, about your hideous face.
Bunny: But we see that's not a problem anymore.
Patrick: [pats Bunny] Aww. Well, in any case, I think you guys look more beautiful than ever. [kisses Bunny]
Bunny: Oh. [laughs] Oh, that's my ear. [points at cheek] My cheek is over there.
Patrick: This was the best Easter ever.
Easter Bunny: [hand behind Patrick] It sure was.
All: [wave] Happy Easter from the Star family.
[Text reading "Happy Easter from the Star family" wipes onto the screen.]