Get Off My Lawnie/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Get Off My Lawnie/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Late at night, five people are seated outside the Star house. On-stage, there is a rack of seals, with Patrick pulling their tails to make them bark a song.]
Seals: [barking rhythmically]
[The audience doesn't like it, except for Slappy.]
Old Man Walker: Oh, make it stop!
Lady fish: Terrible!
Slappy: [waving finger] Ha-cha-cha! It sounds like angels singing!
[As the seals keep barking, Granny Tentacles wakes up from her sleep. Her window opens and closes.]
Granny Tentacles: [groans] What in the honk is going on?
[Backstage, Squidina nervously talks to a door.]
Squidina: [nervously] I don't know if this was the best act for our new late-night segment.
Granny Tentacles: [kicks door open] Patrick Star!
[She goes on stage and pushes the seals away. Patrick is left holding one of their tails.]
Granny Tentacles: You are a menace! I'm trying to sleep! And I've had it with your stupid show!
[Patrick looks sad. The audience is interested.]
Kid fish: Huh? Who's that?
Nerd fish: Wait! That's a new character!
Old Man Walker: Ohh!
Slappy: Oh!
Granny Tentacles: This ain't no talk show; it's an [pokes Patrick] unnatural disaster!
Audience: [laughing]
Granny Tentacles: I am closing the curtains on this disgraceful act! [tries to pull the curtains closed, but struggles and pants]
Nerd fish: Oh, she's hilarious!
Lady fish: You go, Granny!
Slappy: Yes! Yes!
Granny Tentacles: Stop laughing! You're encouraging him!
Audience: [cheering] Yay!
Granny Tentacles: [gestures to Patrick] Why are you even watching this drivel? [points to audience] You people are sick.
[The audience seems surprised.]
Kid fish: She has a catchphrase!
[The audience now likes it.]
Slappy: That's a catchy catchphrase!
Granny Tentacles: You people--
Audience: [in unison] Are sick!
Granny Tentacles: I don't have time for this! I am out of here!
[She grabs a jar of mayo and throws it at the screen, but it bounces off like rubber and hits her. The audience cheers and the jar is heard breaking off-screen.]
Granny Tentacles: Huh? What the? [growls and walks away] Darn mayo.
Audience: [cheering]
Old Man walker: Encore! En-- [they all stop clapping] well, nothing worth watching now that she's gone. [they get up and leave]
Nerd fish: Yeah!
Lady fish: Yeah. Nothing to see here now.
Slappy: The thrill is gone.
Patrick: What just happened?
Squidina: I think we just lost our audience!
[One of the seals takes its tail back from Patrick. He is now holding crutches.]
Seal: Hey, pal. you're still going to pay us, right?
[A seal tail transitions to Bikini Atoll at sunrise. A music box plays and the sun rises. Granny Tentacles sleeps until she is suddenly woken up by her alarm clock. When she tries to hit it, the alarm jumps off the table, and she knocks over her lamp instead.]
Granny Tentacles: Ahh! Ahh, another beautiful morning... for morons and maniacs. [grumbles and walks to the front door, and opens it to see a newspaper] Ahh, at last.
[The audience from Patrick's show runs up and mobs Granny Tentacles. She hits them with the newspaper and pushes them away.]
Nerd fish: Hey, she's here! She's here!
Granny Tentacles: Back it up! Get back!
Lady fish: [excited] Oh, she's back!
Old Man Walker: I love you, Granny Tentacles! [rips off his shirt to reveal a shirt with Granny Tentacles' face, captioned "Sick Person"] I'm a sicko! [laughs]
Granny Tentacles: It's too early for this! Get off of my lawn! You people--
Audience: [in unison] Are sick!
Granny Tentacles: Don't you interrupt me! You people--
Audience: [in unison] Are sick!
Granny Tentacles: [quickly] Youpeoplearesick! [slams door] The nerve of these people. [sits on sofa] Ahh. Alright, now, let's see what's in the paper today... besides lies.
[The paper has an image of Granny Tentacles on the front with the headline "Smash Hit." The text "'Sick'" is visible. The audience giggles.]
Granny Tentacles: [puts paper down] Huh? Who's there? [looks around house and doesn't see anyone] Hmm. Eh, maybe my hearing aid's acting up. [winds it] I don't know why I bother. It's not like there's anyone worth listening to anyway.
Audience: [giggling]
Granny Tentacles: Huh? Who's there? [points and screams] Ahh! [sees Squidward making a scary face, until it turns out to be a painting] Oh. Phew. It's just some of Squidward's art. If that's what you want to call it.
[The audience is in the fireplace.]
Audience: Whoo!
Kid fish: We want more show!
Granny Tentacles: Oh, you want a show? [pushes them back up with a broom] How about I show you the way out? [lights fire in fireplace] This is getting ridiculous. [washes face in bathroom and mutters, then sees two shadows] Huh?
[Slappy and the lady fish are in her bathroom.]
Lady fish: Washing her face is a metaphor for starting over!
Slappy: [nods] Uh-huh.
Granny Tentacles: [screams and tries to run away, but the nerd fish is sitting on her toilet]
Nerd fish: Also, it's blunt and derivative.
Granny Tentacles: [pokes him] Who are you calling derivative? Also, who are you people? [screams and runs outside]
Lady fish: Her character is so hard to read. I really like that!
[Granny Tentacles is in her room, panting. The kid fish has put on her clothes and dentures from her wardrobe.]
Kid fish: This Granny Tentacles merch is awesome! How much for these dentures?
[Granny Tentacles screams and jumps out the window, into her car. The audience follows and grabs onto the car.]
Granny Tentacles: Sorry, but I've got to run... over these idiots!
Old Man Walker: I love you! Marry me!
[Granny Tentacles drives away, flattening the kid fish.]
Kid fish: [laughs] This show is so interactive!
Granny Tentacles: Whew. Sheesh. I finally lost those sickos. Maybe a walk in the park would relax me. Yeah. A nice relaxing walk.
[Slappy is hanging onto the underside of her boat.]
Slappy: Yeah. A nice, relaxing walk.
[Granny Tentacles crashes into a water fountain. Slappy comes out of the hood with an engine on his head.]
Slappy: Nice parking.
[Granny Tentacles takes a short walk.]
Granny Tentacles: Oh, well, that's enough walking for this old carcass.
[She sits on a bench next to a "Do Not Feed the Clams" sign.]
Granny Tentacles: [throws birdseed] All right, my little clams, eat up. [clams eat the birdseed] Ahh. [sees sign] Huh? "Do not feed the clams." Hmph. [paints over "not"] More like, do not tell me what to do! There, that's better!
Slappy: Oh, no, she didn't!
Granny Tentacles: Huh?
[The audience is following her around with a cardboard TV screen.]
Old Man Walker: Oh, she's a rebel!
Granny Tentacles: Don't you people have lives!?
Kid fish: Oh my gosh! Is that her new catchphrase?
Old Man Walker: That's even better than her old one. [rips off shirt, revealing another one with Granny Tentacles frowning, captioned "No Life!"] I have no life. [laughs]
Granny Tentacles: Oh, what am I saying? Obviously, you people--
Audience: [in unison] Don't have lives! Whoo-hoo!
[Granny Tentacles is disturbed as the audience moves closer to her.]
Granny Tentacles: Ugh. You people need a hobby... that isn't me!
[She gets onto a bus, which has a "Critics Love Granny!" sign with five stars and a picture of her on the side.]
Granny Tentacles: [relieved] Ahh. I really lost them this time.
Bus driver: Pardon me, ma'am. [gives her a pen and paper] Could I have your signature?
Granny Tentacles: What for? Hey, wait a minute. [shocked] Aren't you the bus driver?
[The bus crashes into a car, which explodes. The bus flips around. Granny Tentacles, her seat, and the bus driver fall upright.]
Bus driver: Yeah. But more importantly, I'm the president of the Granny Tentacles fan club. We call ourselves Fantacles.
Granny Tentacles: What are you talking about? What fan club?
Bus driver: [points] That one.
Granny Tentacles: [slowly turns her head] Ohhh no.
[The audience, still with their cardboard TV, is in the back of the bus.]
Nerd fish: Oh! What a dramatic third act twist!
Lady fish: [scoffs] This is obviously still act two.
[Granny Tentacles screams and throws the bus driver out the door.]
Bus driver: [happy] Granny Tentacles hurled me!
Granny Tentacles: [revving chainsaw] I hope you don't suffer from separation anxiety! [cuts the bus in half and laughs]
[The bus comes apart, with the audience's half lagging behind. They catch up by riding on a Goofy Goober ice cream truck.]
Audience: [indistinct chatter]
Granny Tentacles: Huh? Ahh!
[She swerves on the road to avoid them, but they follow her.]
Audience: There she goes. / Get her. / This way.
[Granny Tentacles screams as the audience is smushed against the windshield.]
Old Man Walker: Oh, I can't hear a thing. Where's the volume? [cranks up knob on the cardboard TV]
[Granny Tentacles switches to being into a doctor outfit, a biker, an elf, and a snake handler. A snake hisses at her and she screams. An ad for "Focal Flush" appears at the side.]
Announcer: Dry eyes blurring your vision? Try Focal Flush. [it sprays in Granny Tentacles' eyes] Side effects include [her eyes shrink] dry eyes, [her right eye grows] big eye, [her left eye returns to normal and her right eye shrinks] small eye, [her eyes turn into realistic ones] human eyes.
[Granny Tentacles screams and uses the windshield wiper to push the audience away.]
Old Man Walker: I still can't hear!
[They land back on the ice cream truck. Granny Tentacles, still driving the front half of the bus, rams into it and it falls away, then explodes loudly.]
Old Man Walker: Oh, okay, I did hear that!
Granny Tentacles: [looks behind her, then back out the windshield] Phew!
[The audience rides in on a board held by two wheels.]
Audience: [in unison] Granny!
Granny Tentacles: [eyes grow] Eh!?
Audience: [in unison] Say we have no lives!
[They crash into the side of a cliff and explode, while Granny Tentacles' bus passes safely.]
Granny Tentacles: Phew. [the audience appears through the window] Stay away from me! Stay away from me!
[The audience follows her out of the cave on a unicycle. Granny Tentacles approaches a chasm. She puts on some glasses.]
Granny Tentacles: Well, they are committed. [sees chasm and screams] I can't look! I can't look! I can't look!
[Her text appears as subtitles, which carry her across the gap.]
Slappy: Oops, I turned on the subtitles! [presses a button on the display, making them disappear, and they fall]
Audience: [in unison] Turn them back on!
[They fall down the chasm and explode. Granny Tentacles stops her bus and looks back.]
Granny Tentacles: I made it! I'm alive! [sees the audience and screams]
Old Man Walker: Yeah, keep it up, Granny!
Slappy: Thank you!
[They push up against the windshield.]
Granny Tentacles: Oh, come on!
Lady fish: We love you!
[The bus's wheels spin, but the audience pushes it back off the chasm. Granny falls out the half of the bus. Squidina flies by on a rope ladder and saves her.]
Squidina: Granny! Take my hand!
[The audience, still clinging onto the bus, are falling.]
Lady fish: Where'd she go?
Granny Tentacles: Huh? [sees Squidina] Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You saved me!
Squidina: Our pleasure.
[Patrick is wearing a black bodysuit and two propellers, with the rope ladder hanging from him.]
Patrick: Yeah. We're giving you the "Star" treatment.
Squidina: Granny, you've got the number one spin-off on our street!
Granny Tentacles: Spin who?
Squidina: Yeah. [puts lipstick on her] We are your new producers. [puts a powder puff against her face] But don't worry. We're only taking 80% of the profits.
Granny Tentacles: How about you only take me home?
Squidina: We are! It's the next location on our production schedule.
Granny Tentacles: Huh?
Squidina: You're on!
[She pushes Granny Tentacles off the ladder, and she falls into her house. She lands in front of a desk, with a larger audience.]
Nerd fish: She's back!
Granny Tentacles: Well, if you can't beat 'em... [swings fist] knock 'em dead!
[Granny Tentacles, wearing a cloak, monologues in a dark room.]
Granny Tentacles: For reasons that I'll never know, you wanted me to be a show. And so, [takes off cloak to show her holding a cane and wearing a vaudeville outfit] Let's go!
[Granny Tentacles stands on a stage with neon lights around it.]
Granny Tentacles: [singing] ♪ Just wait'll you see [gestures to a band playing] what you have in store with the Granny Tentacles Show! ♪
[Rube is taking pictures. Granny Tentacles runs up to him.]
Granny Tentacles: [singing] ♪ Special guests from all over the sea! ♪
[Rube takes a picture of a sea bear leaning over him. It attacks him.]
Granny Tentacles: [singing] ♪ The best of the best! Yeah, seriously! ♪
[Cut to Shecky on a podium, holding a microphone.]
Granny Tentacles: [singing] ♪ You're gonna laugh! ♪
Shecky: [taps microphone] Is this thing on?
Granny Tentacles: [singing] [runs in and pushes him away] ♪ You're gonna scream! ♪
[A disco ball transitions to Granny Tentacles and her guests dancing.]
Granny Tentacles: [singing] ♪ You're going to swear somehow a technicolor dream! Smacked you in the head with razzle-dazzle! Leaving you wowed [the Flying Dutchman, Sandy, Pearl, Plankton, and Larry come on-screen] and maybe even frazzled! So all right, starting tonight, you'll get the show you wanted, much to your delight!
[Granny Tentacles slides onto a display with the show's logo.]
Granny Tentacles: [singing] ♪ The Granny Tentacles Show! ♪ [panting]
[The audience is all asleep and snoring as a music box plays.]
Granny Tentacles: [sadly] But I gave them what they wanted.
[A man runs in and gets the audience's attention.]
Man: Hey, everyone, forget this show! There's a guy down the street painting a fence!
[The audience gasps and rushes off. Granny Tentacles looks sad. Patrick and Squidina walk up to her TV.]
Patrick: Sorry, Gramps. That's showbiz. [turns off her set, then he and Squidina walk away]
[Static is shown, then it zooms out to show on Granny Tentacles' TV. Annoyed, Granny Tentacles presses a button on her remote. An old man is painting a fence white. Her former audience is watching with paint buckets on their heads and cheering.]
Slappy: Yeah! Paint that fence!
Lady fish: Paint that fence!
Audience: Hooray / Great job!
Granny Tentacles: Eh, this show's pretty good... for me to hate watch!
[The old man blushes and winks at the camera.]