Good Neighbors/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Good Neighbors" from season 4, which aired on May 20, 2005.

[Everyone is sleeping until SpongeBob's foghorn alarm wakes Squidward up.]
Squidward: SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: [appearing in Squidward's house] Good morning, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in my house?
SpongeBob: I came to make sure you don't oversleep and miss work.
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, gee, SpongeBob, that's very thoughtful of you.
SpongeBob: My pleasure, Squidward. That's what good neighbors are for.
Squidward: You did overlook one teensy little detail, however.
SpongeBob: What's that, Squidward?
Squidward: [shouts] It's Sunday! [angrily kicks SpongeBob out of his house] A good neighbor doesn't bother me on Sunday! [slams the door]
SpongeBob: Sunday? No wonder Squidward's grumpy. [sees a stack of newspapers up the lawn] He forgot his Sunday papers. [walks up to them] This'll show Squidward I'm a good neighbor. I'll bring it to him. [breaks the string that holds the paper together] Man, this is heavy. [the paper falls to the ground and SpongeBob puts it together as a paper ball] [bumps into Patrick] Oh, pardon me.
Patrick: Hey, watch where you're goin'. [screams] A newspaper monster!
SpongeBob: [throws paper in the air, screaming] Waah! Monster! [both scream and run around]
Squidward: [opens his window; not knowing they have his Sunday papers] Will you two nincompoops kindly quiet down?! [goes back inside] I am not going to let them ruin the rest of my Sunday. [goes to the living room; hums] My Sunday relaxation kit. [reaches into box] Let's see... pillow. [puts pillow on the end of the couch] Placed just so for slight foot elevation. Flower--to brighten the room. Flower fragrance. [sprays fragrance on flower, but the flower dies. Squidward sniffs and sighs] And the final touch. [dials on phone] Yes, I'd like to order the Sunday special. Yes, the pedicure and foot massage house call, that is correct. See you at 4, my good man. [hangs up phone] Ahh, this is gonna be a heavenly day. Ooh, I almost forgot. [grabs a box] Bon-bons. Hello there, heaven's little wonder. Take me on a chocolate vacation. [SpongeBob and Patrick rise up from behind the couch making noises with spinning fezzes. Squidward spits out his bon-bon and growls]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing a deep note] By the all-seeing eye. Ye are worthy, we are not.
Squidward: What are you two idiots doing?!
Patrick: Secret ritual.
SpongeBob: To inaugurate you as president.
Squidward: Me? President of Bikini Bottom? I knew the people would come to their senses.
Patrick: No, silly. Not the president of Bikini Bottom. Even better.
Squidward: "Better"?
SpongeBob: You're the president of 'The Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge'!
Squidward: The what?! Oh, is this some stupid club you two made up? [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp and then laugh]
Patrick: Maybe. [both laugh]
SpongeBob: It's a secret. [both laugh]
Squidward: Fine! As my first presidential decree, uhh, why don't you... uhh, go out and paint all the leaves on the trees, to make the neighborhood look nicer? [pushing SpongeBob and Patrick out the door] Now out, out, out-out-out-out-out. That'll keep 'em busy for a few Sundays. [closes the door, screams when SpongeBob and Patrick appear from inside]
SpongeBob: What color should we paint the leaves, your presidentialocity?
Squidward: Ahh! Polka dots! Now don't bother me anymore.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Wow. Polka dots.
Patrick: Our new president is a genius.
SpongeBob: Yeah. [both laugh]
SpongeBob and Patrick: See you later, Squidward!
SpongeBob: [bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick now outside; a red paint can drops on the ground] Whenever you're ready, Patrick.
Patrick: [unscrews SpongeBob's fez, which turns out to be a screw] Hold still, buddy. [pours the red paint inside SpongeBob's hole. When he is done, he throws the can away and ends up hitting an elderly citizen Lonnie riding a bike. Patrick screws the fez back in]
SpongeBob: Okay, Pat, give me a quick shake.
Patrick: Okie dokie. [shakes SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Okay! I'm ready! [Patrick grabs his arm and uses it like a slot machine. Drops of red paint come shooting out of SpongeBob's holes and onto the trees] Hey, that worked perfectly. C'mon, good neighbor Patrick, let's paint the town polka dot.
Squidward: [clock on wall is ringing noon] Oh, no. It's already noon. I will be darned if I let those morons eat up anymore of my valuable Sunday.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing outside of Squidward's window] Good neighbors are we. La-la-la-la-laa-la.
Squidward: What's going on out there?!
SpongeBob: Hi, President Squidward! Almost done painting-- [Patrick pulls on his arm, which makes the paint shoot out his holes and all over Squidward's face and in his eyes]
Squidward: Ahh! My eyes! [continues screaming as he runs around bumping into stuff. Runs outside and in front of a car]
Gale: Look out! [car slams on brakes and stops in front of Squidward]
Frank: Oh, you poor man.
Gale: You must be very sick. Let us take you to the hospital.
Squidward: No really, I'm fine. Please, I... no, I'm f-fine. [mumbles. Frank and Gale put him in the back seat and drive off]
SpongeBob and Patrick: See you later, neighbor!
Patrick: It is a lovely day for a ride in the country.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Our president sure knows how to live. [later] I would like to call this meeting of the good neighbor lodge to order. Let's begin with role call: Patrick. [Patrick is snoring] Okay... Squidward? [Squidward's chair is empty] Squidward? Squidward, you home?
Patrick: Did you find him, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Nope. I guess he's still on his Sunday drive.
Patrick: Or... maybe he's on a secret mission.
SpongeBob: I hope he's not in danger.
Patrick: Danger?!
SpongeBob: As members of the good neighbor lodge, we are sworn to protect our presidenté from danger.
Harold: [coming to the front door] Excuse me? Somebody ordered a relaxing pedicure and foot massage? The Sunday special?
SpongeBob: Brother Star, we better check this guy out. Make sure he's safe for Squidward.
Squidward: [walking back to his house] At least I still have my Sunday pedicure to look forward to. [SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing inside Squidward's house. Squidward opens his front door] What are you two doing in my house?!
SpongeBob: We're checking to make sure this guy really is a certified foot masseur, and not some kind of assassin.
Patrick: Well, I say he checks out a-OK.
SpongeBob: Squidward, have you ever seen more lovely French tips? [shows foot with long toenails]
Squidward: French tips, huh?! [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick's chairs out of the way] All right, pal! Make with a relaxing foot massage, pronto!
Harold: [looks at his watch] Uh-oh. Uh, sorry, your hour's up. [packs up and leaves]
Squidward: [twitches his eye; as SpongeBob happily wiggles his toes, he glares at him, furiously gets up, then makes his way toward the front door and opens it] All right, you two. [points outside] Out! [SpongeBob and Patrick, realizing that they are in trouble, slowly walk out] And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day. Or tomorrow, or next week.
SpongeBob: Squidward, does that include--
Squidward: [infuriated, shouts] Yes, it does! [slams the door in fury]
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick turn to face each other] Gee, Patrick. Do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
Squidward: [furiously smashes his head through the door, yelling, startling SpongeBob and Patrick] Yes, I was! You call yourselves good neighbors?! You're the worst neighbors ever! [deep breath] You don't deserve to wear those fezzes! [furiously takes SpongeBob and Patrick's fezzes, throws them onto the ground, raises his foot through the hole in the door, and furiously stomps them into the ground as SpongeBob and Patrick watch in shock]
SpongeBob: [realizing in sadness] Gee, Pat, maybe President Squidward's right.
Patrick: [they look down at their flattened fezzes] Yeah. I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
Squidward: [pops back out through the hole in his front door once again, screaming with extreme rage] No, you aren't! You're horrible neighbors! [turns toward SpongeBob and furiously inhales] And stop calling me "president"! [pops back in]
SpongeBob: Come on, let's go. [SpongeBob and Patrick sadly walk away]
Squidward: [looking at his watch] There are only 3 hours of my Sunday left. They took it all away. I didn't even get to read the Sunday paper. [notices pile of paper on the ground with a note on it]
SpongeBob: ['Here's your Sunday paper, Squidward. Enjoy. Love, SpongeBob.']
[Enraged, Squidward steams up furiously, kicks the paper into the air, and growls like a dog as a paper lands on his head. He reaches up and grabs the paper off his head and holds it while clenching his hand into a fist.]
Squidward: Good neighbors, my right--! [reads paper] Hello? "Keep Out Intruders for Good! New Security System 5000. Free Installation." [laughs evilly. Later, he has the security system built in and turned on]
Security System: System activated. [screen displays "On"]
Squidward: Well, that ought to do it. Let's see those imbeciles try to get in here now.
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick, with their fezzes back on, walk up to Squidward in sadness] President Squidward?
Squidward: [screams] What the...?!
SpongeBob: We hereby present you with this delicious cake.
Squidward: [reads writing on cake] "Sorry for bugging you so much"? What the...? Security system, help! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! What's the matter with you?!
Security System: No threat detected.
Squidward: [furious, banging on security system] Oh! You infernal contraption! I'm gonna ship you off to the scrapheap you came from!
Security System: Threat detected. [Squidward screams while the system shoots a laser at him which surprises SpongeBob and Patrick, causing SpongeBob to toss his cake as it flies into the air and lands on the system, causing it to go haywire]
Squidward: Now what's going on?
Security System: Threat detected. Code red! Code red!
SpongeBob: [laughing as fireworks are shooting out all over Squidward's house while jumping up and down] It's like a carnival ride!
Squidward: [running around] Run for your lives! [Squidward's house suddenly grows legs and arms and stands up, then grabs Squidward from inside. Squidward grunts] What the...?! What are you doing?! [Squidward's house kicks him into the air and walks off. Squidward trembles in fear and holds himself together] Huh? I only have half an hour of me-time left, and the idiots took my house. Which means, those boobs aren't around to bug me. [gasps] Ooh, just what I've been waiting for. [laughs hysterically] I am gonna relax... if it kills me. [takes a deep breath] Ahhh!
[Meanwhile, Squidward's house is on a rampage while people are screaming.]
Army: Fire! [the tank fires a missile at the house, but the house catches the missile and flicks it away. Then the house grabs the tank, squishes it, and throws it away]
Patrick: Wow, Squidward's house is destroying the neighborhood.
SpongeBob: We gotta turn this thing off. [turns on a light switch] Nope, not it.
Patrick: [flushes the toilet] Nope.
SpongeBob: [turns on the fan] Nope.
Patrick: [pushes the toaster button down] Well, that's not it either.
Squidward: [the house walks toward him as he is still resting] This Sunday relaxation really hits the spot. [house stands right above Squidward]
SpongeBob: Hmm, where to look. [notices an "off button" on the wall] Hmm, this off button seems suspicious. [pushes the button and the house sits on top of Squidward and goes back to normal] We did it, Patrick! [Squidward busts through from beneath the floor] President Squidward?
Squidward: [calmly] No-no, don't say anything more. [climbs out of the hole in the floor and walks to the front door] This was all my fault. I was the one who wanted to relax on Sunday. Now if you'll be so kind as to leave, so I can get ready for work tomorrow. [SpongeBob and Patrick walk out the door]
SpongeBob: Mr. President?
Squidward: Shush.
SpongeBob: [trying to apologize again] But we just wanted to--
Squidward: [twitches angrily and yells in their faces furiously] Get out of my house! [they get blown away; suddenly notices something] Huh?
[A whole angry mob and two police boats are surrounding Squidward's house.]
Scooter: There he is!
[Mr. Poecilia walks up to Squidward. The angry mob yells and boos.]
Mr. Poecilia: Are you the owner of this house?
Squidward: [angrily] Yes. Yes, I am.
Mr. Poecilia: Then on behalf of the citizens of Bikini Bottom, I present you with this summons. [holds up a summons, which Squidward takes] To pay for the destruction of our town, you'll be doing community service every Sunday for the rest of your life. [walks off]
Squidward: Huh? [twitches his left eye and looks at the camera]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! You got one of those, too? [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up, each with a summons in their hands] This'll be great! The three of us cleaning up Bikini Bottom! [they walk off] Well, see you next Sunday, President Squidward!
[Squidward twitches with rage and fury, ending the episode.]