Host-a-Palooza/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Host-a-Palooza/transcript" from season , which aired on .

• [A large audience has gathered outside Patrick's house, cheering and wearing Patrick paraphernalia.]
• Squidina: And now, for today's final act, Patrick will attempt to escape from a straitjacket!
• [Patrick is tied up in a giant tank. Squidina flushes a handle and drains the water. Patrick takes a deep breath.]
• Squidina: In a glass tank filled with air!
• [The audience is concerned. Patrick dries up.]
• Squidina: And if I may direct your attention to the [gestures to giant block of bricks] bricks above the tank and the cannon aimed straight at Patrick's head. [Pinkeye lights the cannon] The bricks will drop and the cannon will fire in [gestures] 10 seconds! Will my brother escape, or won't he? [clock ticks down] Uh?
• [Squidina runs to the closet and grabs a suit of armor and shield. Patrick shakes in the tank. A "DROP" sign lights. The bricks fall and crush Patrick. The cannon destroys the bricks, leaving smoldering remains. The audience is shocked. Patrick drives down the street in an ice cream car as his horn honks "La Cucaracha." He drives back on stage and dismounts, crashing his car.]
• Patrick: Ta-da!
• Audience: [applause]
• Patrick: I'm un-destruct-anatable. [trips over a tire, which sticks out its foot] Oof!
• [The set collapses, crushing Patrick. Slappy comes out of a manhole.]
• Slappy: Such delightful destruction!
• French Narrator: [over time card] The next day...
• [The same audience is outside, murmuring in confusion. Squidina jumps up to Patrick, who is completely bandaged in his bed, with a juice box.]
• Squidina: Now, don't you worry about anything, big brother. While you're healing, I've booked a guest host.
• Patrick: Oh, is the guest host ice cream? I love ice cream! [opens mouth] Ahh. [drinks juice box]
• Squidina: It's not. But, uh, she's twice as sweet. [laughs and rushes on stage] Please welcome today's guest host, our mother, Bunny Star!
• Audience: [confused murmuring]
• Patrick: What? Boo! We want ice cream!
• [Bunny is carried on a bed out of the time closet, held by two Egyptian pharaohs. A toaster on the couch launches two pieces of toast, which clap.]
• Squidina: Put your hands together for Bunny and her dancing dust bunnies!
• [Bunny dismounts and wields her vacuum. She sucks dust bunnies out from the couch and juggles them. One dismounts from the rest and sings.]
• Dust bunny: [deep-voiced, singing "Largo al Factotum"]
• Bunny: Hey, show-off! That is not what we rehearsed! Hmph! [sucks it, then the rest of the dust bunnies back up]
• Tinkle: [barks and smashes through door, then chases vacuum around]
• Audience: Boo!
• Slappy: I don't know why they're booing. I love toilet humor. [flushing]
• Squidina: No! Mom is bombing. Bombing! [nervously] I need a new guest host. [groans]
• Squidward: [enters] Well, if you're looking for a star, I can--
• Squidina: Yes! Yes! That's it! A star! [Cecil rows a boat on-stage] Please welcome The Patrick Show's new guest host, Cecil Star! [Cecil throws an anchor, crushing the stage]
• Realistic Fish Head: [country accent] And now, it's time for... [sign appears] "Fishing with Dad!"
• Audience: [groaning] Oh. / Brother.
• Cecil: [snaps] Fishing used to be hard, but now it's stupid easy! [takes out rod] With the Cecil 6000 modern fishing rod. [attachments appear on the rod] It's got hi-fi, toaster oven, computer, soda fountain, laser lights, and hologram bait. It's got all the bells and whistles, uh, except for actual bells and whistles.
• [GrandPat comes out of Cecil's mustache.]
• GrandPat: You call yourself a fisherman, with all your modern doodads and geegaws and knickknacks? Back in my day, all you needed was this! [takes out a bone with a reel and rod, then smacks him] Gah!
• Cecil: [chuckles] And what'd you use for bait, old-timer? A rock?
• GrandPat: Bait! Only fancy, freshwater fishermen use "bait." All we needed was a rusty hook! [faces Cecil] So what are you, freshwater or brine?
• Cecil: I'm just as briny as your heinie. [dramatically] Let's fish.
• [Cecil casts his rod outside and into a cemetery. He reels in a spirit and puts it in a bucket.]
• Spirit: [ghostly wailing]
• Cecil: No need for catch and release. I "specter" to get away.
• [The spirit phases out of the bucket.]
• GrandPat: Ah! [casts rod through time closet] Oh, oh!
• [Squidasaurus Rex crashes through the walls.]
• GrandPat: The "Tyranno-saw-us" and took off! [chuckles] [rim shot]
• Squidina: Dad jokes and granddad jokes? [slaps forehead] Ugh!
• Cecil: Three, two, one, go!
• [Cecil and GrandPat cast their rods around the room. One hits Patrick, and he laughs. Eventually, they reel each other in.]
• Cecil: Hey, nice catch, GrandPat.
• GrandPat: You caught a real beauty yourself.
• Squidina: I'm lost. What were you two fishing for?
• Cecil and GrandPat: What else? Compliments! [rim shot; they hug] Awww!
• Squidina: [groans and throws her paper away]
• Audience: [chanting] We want Patrick! We want Patrick!
• Squidina: [whimpering, looks at paper] Huh? Oh, Tentacles! You're on!
• Squidward: [embroidering his face on a cloth] Huh? Finally!
• [Clarinet music plays as he walks away. Squidina grabs him first.]
• Squidina: [gestures] I mean, Granny Tentacles!
• Squidward: Oh, for the love of--
• Squidina: The Patrick Star Show presents "Granny Tentacles' Zombie Make-Over"!
• Granny Tentacles: [lugging bag onto stage] Every zombie deserves to feel beautiful when they go out to dine on brains. Since zombies are usually barefoot, it's important to keep those decaying toes pretty... before the ugly things fall off. [puts toenails on chair and paints them] Let's not forget the fingernails. [paints fingernails] Ooh, they can get awful dirty scratching their way out of old coffins. [hums and puts body on, then massages it] A relaxing back rub can entice a healthy glow... and get me a nice tip. [puts pale head on] Don't worry about skin tone. We don't want to be too matchy-matchy. Plus, they're dead. So who cares? And just 'cause you're undead doesn't mean you can't look unbelievable.
• [She puts make-up on the zombie. When it opens its eyes, a shrill scream is heard. The zombie shoves Granny Tentacles into the chair and puts the hairdresser on the highest setting. The zombie takes her purse and tries to leave, but her head falls off, and the body falls apart. The chair opens again, showing Granny Tentacles shrunk.]
• Granny Tentacles: [high-pitched voice] I may be shrunk, but I'm still a better host than any idiot sea star. [gets vacuumed up] Whoa!
• Bunny: [glancing around] Oh. [gasps] I'm so sorry. [to vacuum] Did somebody say something?
• Audience: [booing]
• Squidina: Ugh! [bites her clipboard, then spits it out] Bring on the next guest host!
• [The Dartfish Family do a dance, but accidentally throw Teensy Tom away as he yells.]
• Squidina: [off-screen] Next!
• [Ouchie plays the violin badly with his tongue.]
• Squidina: [off-screen] Next!
• [Schmandor waves a magic wand over a hat. Pinkeye comes out and yawns. A frustrated Squidina walks on-stage and crushes Schmandor.]
• Squidina: Next!
• Audience: [chanting] We want Patrick! We want Patrick!
• Squidina: [frustrated, puts pink make-up on] If they want Patrick... [jumps into a back-up of Patrick's body] I'll give 'em Patrick. [grunts] Whoa, oh. Squidward!
• Squidward: [in hat and tuxedo, holding cane] Yes! What should I do? [dances] Tap, ballroom, the old soft shoe? Ha-cha-cha!
• Squidina: [reveals zipper on her back] Zip me up?
• Squidward: Oh. [zips her up and walks away, muttering]
• Squidina: [in mirror] Hi, I'm Patrick, and my favorite color is pink! Ohh. Ooh, that's not right. [sprinkles pepper in her nose] Ah--ah-- a-choo! [sneezes out her brain and throws it away] [deep voice] Hi, I'm Patrick. And my favorite color is 12. [sea lion barks] Showtime! [goes on-stage] Leedle, leedle, leedle, lee.
• Audience: [cheering]
• Squidina: [hits herself on the head with a hammer and laughs]
• Audience: Ehh.
• [Squidina jumps into the glass wall of Patrick's room and smacks against it.]
• Audience: [confused] Oh... okay?
• [Squidina juggles chainsaws. She misses and it shreds her body, and Patrick's clothes disintegrate, to her embarrassment.]
• Audience: You're not Patrick! / I can tell!
• [Squidina puts her brain back in her head through her nose, turning her skin purple again.]
• Squidina: Oh, yeah? If you think you could do a better Patrick, then come up here and try it yourselves!
• Audience: [pauses, then] Okay! [runs in]
• [The audience members all get on stage and jump around, shaking Squidina.]
• Slappy: So many buffoons. So much buffoonery!
• [The set collapses again, injuring everyone. Patrick comes out and his cast breaks.]
• Patrick: Oh! That must have unbroken my bones!
• French Narrator: [over time card] The next day...
• [Patrick juggles the zombie's body parts with his legs.]
• Patrick: Leedle, leedle, leedle, leedle, leedle, leedle, leedle, dah! [catches body parts]
• Zombie: Ta-da!
• [The audience, now heavily injured, cheers weakly.]
• Patrick: Our next guest is a real frosty treat! Let's hear it for ice cream!
• [An ice cream cone walks from backstage. Squidward is holding a bandaged Squidina in a wheelchair. The ice cream walks on stage.]
• Ice cream: Hey, thank you, thank you! My wife just had a baby. Guess that now makes me a Popsicle! [chuckles] [rim shot]
• Patrick: [laughs, then drools] Mmm...
• Ice cream: Wait. Why-- why are you looking at me like that? Aah!
• [Patrick chomps the ice cream cone.]