Is There a Director in the House?/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Is There a Director in the House?/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Patrick runs on-stage.]
Patrick: Hey, there, everybody! Have you ever wondered what it'd be like if I was blue? [he turns blue]
Audience: Yeah!
Patrick: [flapping arms] And if I could fly?
Audience: Yeah!
[Patrick jumps up and comes down with a rope tied to him. He hits the ground and then hangs upside-down.]
Patrick: Whoa! Wow. Oh. Oh. And what if--
[Zoom out to show Squidina at her workstation. She is wearing a headset and there is a cup of coffee on her desk. TV monitors show two Vikings in cages and Patrick.]
Squidina: [gives thumbs up] Ready, on your cue, Patrick! [looks at Viking on screen]
Patrick: What if I was attacked by a Viking?
[Squidina pulls a lever and opens the cage. A horn blows. Squidina opens a filing cabinet and pulls out her clipboard. The viking attacks Patrick in the background.]
Squidina: [reading clipboard] Let's see. Opening segment's good. [a fish holds out a bowling pin as circus music plays] Jugglers at green room. And--
Patrick: [reappears on camera] And what about another Viking? [horn blows again]
Squidina: [flips through clipboard] And break for lunch in 10. [through intercom] Go for Viking 2!
[Patrick gets attacked by the viking.]
Patrick: [screams]
[Squidina sips her coffee. Bunny's arms reach in and grab her.]
Squidina: Whoa! Ahh!
[Patrick picks up the viking, spins him around, and throws him away. He notices the lawnies watching.]
Patrick: [whispering] OK. What next, Squidina? [looks at lawnies, then whispers off-stage] Squidina? [looks back at lawnies nervously]
[Bunny sets Squidina down in the living room.]
Squidina: Mom, what the heck? I can't just walk away during a show!
Bunny: [pats her head] Exactly. [digs in her pocket] You work too hard for a kid your age, so I'm taking you [gives her a brochure] here.
Squidina: [reading brochure] "Camp Kid? Where kids can camp? [sees an image of her with a camera] And not be directors slash producers?" If I'm not-- [Bunny takes her clipboard] my clipboard, [she takes her headset] my headset, mom! Can't this wait until the season wraps?
Bunny: [pushes her outside] Nope. You need to run around and play.
Patrick: [presses against glass] Squidina, tell me what to do! I'm just the talent! I'm lost without you!
Squidina: [calling back] Don't worry, Patrick! You got this!
Patrick: [sad reaction, notices Slappy knocking on the glass and yells]
Slappy: Oh, I can be your director. [presses against glass] After all, I am your biggest fan.
[Slappy licks and his tongue takes up the screen. We see a side silhouette of Slappy.]
Slappy: [reading text] "Slappy Presents... The Patrick Show!" [walks in front of the silhouette, then reads title] "Patrick Star and Slappy in A Cook Too Many!"
Audience: [clapping]
[A grayscale segment shows Patrick in a suit and chef's hat, standing in front of an oven and a "Cooking with Patrick" sign. Slappy appears behind the counter, holding a bowl and wearing a chef's hat.]
Slappy: Hello, Patrick Star, let's make something wonderful together.
Patrick: [looks in horror] Uh...
Slappy: [holding bubbling bowl] You see, [shot of Patrick looking worried, Slappy sets the bowl down] it is almost ready. [side shot of Slappy] Our dish just needs one more ingredient. [high angle shot] Now, [close-up of the bowl as Slappy pushes it] you simply [darkly lit shot of Patrick's face] add [lightning flashes as Patrick holds up the eggs, chickens squawk] two eggs. [Patrick cracks the eggs over the pot and spiders come out, a woman screams] Spider eggs. [cackles]
Patrick: [screams, detailed grayscale close-up appears]
Slappy: [eyes and mouth appear in soup] Soup's on.
Patrick: [screams, same close-up appears]
[The colors are back to normal. Slappy comes out of the soup with a camera.]
Slappy: Oh. [grayscale zoom of Patrick through Slappy's camera] Even your skin is flawless. [zooms in and sees small mark] Oh, what? An imperfection?
[The mark uncurls and turns out to be Plankton.]
Plankton: [leaning] Who you calling imperfect, bub? This whole production is a joke.
Slappy: [cries, walks away]
Plankton: Yeah, that's right. Get lost, you pathetic amateur! [jumps on counter] So "The Patrick Show" has lost its director, ey? [spins and wears director outfit] Well, lucky for you, [takes out megaphone] I happen to be available. Now, [shouts through megaphone, launching Patrick away] places, people!
[A clapper board shuts on the screen, showing an unfocused shot of Patrick standing in front of the Chum Bucket.]
Plankton: And action!
Patrick: [leaning to camera] When I think edible, I think--
Plankton: [stops him] Cut! You're too big! [motions] Scooch over a bit.
Patrick: [points right] This way?
Plankton: [motioning] Yes. A little more. Keep going. More. More. [Patrick walks out of the camera's view] Perfect! [zooms into the Chum Bucket, with Patrick no longer visible] Now this is cinema! Hello, gorgeous!
Patrick: So, um, do you still need me, or am I [gestures away] good to go?
Plankton: [waves his hand dismissively] You're still here? [Patrick walks away. Plankton keeps talking into the camera] I'm going to make you a star!
[Bunny driving a car transitions to the front gates of Camp Kid.]
Bunny: Now, get! [kicks her out] And have fun! Bye-bye! [closes her doors and drives off]
Squidina: [stands up and dusts herself off] OK, Squidina, this won't be so bad. Think of it as a networking event or a business retreat.
Campers: [laughing]
Squidina: Huh?
[Squidina looks across the camp. A kid is seen flying a kite. Five are holding hands and singing. Two kids run past. Two in a canoe are eaten by a kraken. A kid aims a plunger arrow at one with an apple on his head; after being hit, he falls, laughs, and gives a thumbs up. Squidina sticks her tongue out. Rube steps in.]
Rube: Well, howdy, camper, and welcome to Camp Kid. Is the kid like you ready to have a [elbows her] kid-tastic day?
Squidina: Uh... [falls over face-first]
Rube: [walks away, whistling]
[A kite transitions to Squidina sitting at the campfire with another kid, who is roasting a marshmallow. Two kids walk by with popsicles and a girl runs past with a kite.]
Squidina: All these children are giving me a headache. Oh, what I wouldn't give for an espresso.
[Rube rises out of the sand. The girl with the marshmallow runs away and screams.]
Rube: [leans over, pouring sand out of his hat] Well, we don't have any ex-pressos. But... [holds out juice box] how about a juice box? [squirts it on her nose]
Squidina: Ugh. [wipes it off] Look, I'll just get the PA to do a coffee run. [snaps at kid playing in the mud] Hey, kid, get me a redeye double shot black. [gesturing to Rube] And an iced mocha latte for Mr. Happy here.
Kid playing in mud: I'm making mud pies.
[Rube offers Squidina the juice box.]
Squidina: [grumbles, takes it and sips it while glaring at him.]
[A juice box transitions to Patrick pacing around his room.]
Patrick: Now where am I going to find someone to direct the show?
Bedroom Door: You know, you have an emergency director button for a reason?
Patrick: Emergency director button? Oh yeah! [opens up his desk and looks at a wall of buttons] Hmm. Let's see here. [presses one with a megaphone on it. An alarm blares]
Bedroom Door: One director coming right up! [opens up to show a slide, a capsule rolls down and Cecil pops out]
Cecil: [laughs] It's showtime! [walks to Patrick and puts his arm around him] Let's give the audience what they really want, [hugs him] father-son bonding.
Audience: Aww!
Cecil: Cue title sequence.
[A paining of Cecil hugging Patrick on the beach is shown. Cecil reads it.]
Cecil: [reading] "Cecil B. Destar presents: The Patrick Show. Today's episode: Bonding."]
[Patrick is gluing together a teapot with Cecil.]
Cecli: Just a little dab'll do ya. [Patrick squirts glue all over his hand] Beautiful. [puts the teapot back together] Good as new.
Patrick: Ha! Ooh!
Cecil: [picks up baseball] Now what do you say we go toss the old ball around?
Patrick: Ball! Fun!
Cecil: [runs away] Ha-ha, let's go.
Patrick: [follows him] Yay! Ball!
Cecil: OK. You ready, son?
Patrick: [wearing mitts on both hands and on his head] Ready!
Cecil: OK. Here we go. [tries to throw ball, but it stays stuck to the glue, then winds up harder and tries to throw it, it's still stuck] Hmm. Time to break out the old windup.
[Cecil winds up and throws the ball. While still stuck to the glue, it flies farther and almost reaches Patrick.]
Patrick: Almost there!
Cecil: [straining, skin flies off and lands in front of Patrick, skeleton walks up to him] Son, I don't think directing TV shows is for me. Thankfully, my second job directing traffic starts in five minutes. See you at dinner.
Patrick: [holds out skin] Wait, Dad, you forgot your--
Cecil: [wearing whistle] Traffic whistle? I got it right here. [walks out into crosswalk and blows whistle, gets hit by garbage truck] Augh!
Patrick: [picks up payphone] Hello? This is an emergency! I need a new show director!
[A siren wails. An ambulance pulls up and GrandPat jumps out of it.]
GrandPat: Let's get this picture started!
Patrick: GrandPat?
GrandPat: Quiet on the set! After all, I'm directing a [winks] silent picture. [laughs and runs away]
[A piano transitions to GrandPat sitting behind a piano. He starts playing a ragtime tune as an old-timey title card appears.]
GrandPat: [reading] "GrandPat Presents The Patrick Show!"
[A sepia-toned show shows Patrick sitting behind his desk, with Sandy in a chair.]
Patrick: Welcome back. My guest today is Sandy Cheeks.
Sandy: Patrick, I've come here with dire news! [to camera] Bikini Bottom is doomed!
GrandPat: [stops playing and turns around] Dagnabbit, this ain't no talkie! [holds out two cue cards saying "Use The" and "Dadgum Cards!"] Use the dadgum cards! [throws them away and continues playing]
[The scene plays out in silence with intertitle cards periodically showing up. Patrick panics and says something to Sandy.]
Intertitle: "Please Explain."
Sandy: [points her fingers up and talks]
Intertitle: [various science equations and graphs]
Patrick: [blinks and turns to the camera]
Interitle: "?"
Sandy: [points up, waves arm, mimes countdown and explosion]
Intertitle: [more complicated science equations and graphs]
Patrick: [looks worried, shrugs]
Interitle: "??"
Sandy: [jumps up and screams in Patrick's face while punching him]
Interitle: [diagram of a wave with two down arrows above it]
Dale: Geez Louise! A localized mass evaporation event is imminent in Bikini Bottom!
[All of the water drains. The lawnies start flopping and gasping for air. GrandPat falls over and disintegrates into dust.]
Patrick: [hoarse] Oh, boy... [dries into dust, groans]
Sandy: Well, you can't say I didn't try to warn you.
[Sandy steps outside and cranks a valve that raises the water levels again, reviving everyone.]
Patrick: [climbs behind desk] And... I'm ready for the next segment, GrandPat!
GrandPat: Yeah? Well, I'm ready for a nap! [puts piano stool up and climbs it, opens piano lid] Find yourself a new director! [jumps in]
[A paper chain transitions to Camp Kid. Rube has a paper chain tied to his leg. The other kids are making one as well.]
Rube: Wow-wee, camper kiddos! This construction paper chain is amazing!
[One kid is pouring glue on the floor. Another snips another kid's paper chain and they fight. Another eats glue.]
Kid eating glue: [to Squidina] Making paper chains is super fun. [drinks glue]
Squidina: I beg to differ. [removes chain from her leg, stands up and walks away] I'm going to take five.
[Squidina walks past a hallway where a TV with Patrick's show is on.]
Patrick: Welcome back to "The Patrick Show." Join me in welcoming my brand-new show director, Bubble Bass!
Bubble Bass: [walks in, puts on headphones] Thanks, Patrick. We are going to start with a brand-new segment I like to call... [points at Patrick] You're Fired.
Squidina: Oh, boy, I better get back there!
[She runs away, leaving a dust cloud behind. She pants and runs out of the room, hops a fence, lands, and runs away.]
Squidina: [grunting, to camera] Look, Ma, I'm getting the exercise you wanted! [swings off vine, does Tarzan yell]
[Transition. Patrick has all his stuff in a box and his eyes water up.]
Patrick: Well, good luck with the show.
Bubble Bass: Next order of business, I shall fire everybody else associated with this travesty of a TV program!
[Bunny is in the kitchen with a tray of cookies.]
Bunny: ♪ Doo, doo, doo. ♪
Bubble Bass: You're fired!
[Bunny eats the cookies. Cecil is reading a newspaper. Bubble Bass runs in.]
Bubble Bass: You're fired!
[Cecil keeps reading the newspaper. GrandPat is drooling in bed.]
GrandPat: [snoring]
Bubble Bass: You're fired!
[GrandPat farts and keeps sleeping. A duck quacks. Bubble Bass runs into the bathroom, where Tinkle is panting.]
Bubble Bass: You're fired!
[Ouchie is on Bubble Bass's butt.]
Bubble Bass: Fired! [points to house plant] Fired! [points to lawnies] Fired, fired, fired, fired! [Bunny's toaster goes off, Bubble Bass points to the toast] Fired! [eats toast] But delicious.
Squidina: [enters kitchen] Bubble Bass, your services are no longer needed.
Bubble Bass: Oh no, I'm the director! Which reminds me you were--
Squidina: [flatly] The executive producer.
[Bubble Bass's pointing hand drops as a deflating sound is heard.]
Audience: Uh-oh!
Squidina: But don't worry, I called you a ride.
Mama Bass: [enters] Bubble Bass!
Audience: [cheering]
Mama Bass: [grabs his shirt] You are taking your dear mama shopping! Let's go! [drags him outside] March, march, march, march.
Bubble Bass: But, Mother...
Bunny: [knocks on cabinet, opens it and whispers] Am I still fired?
Squidina: Of course not!
Patrick: [hiding under tablecloth] Can I come out too?
Squidina: Only if you're ready to work with your favorite director again!
[Patrick smiles. Cut to him talking in front of the camera.]
Patrick: Today's show went in [pupils spin as he circles his fingers] all sorts of different directions, but I hope you all enjoyed it!
["The End" falls on Patrick. Squidina is once again behind the controls.]
Squidina: Oh, it sure is good to be back. [calling out] Hey, PA, I'll have the usual!
[The kid playing in the mud is patting some mud on the floor.]
Kid playing in mud: One mudspresso coming right up!
[He gives her a bowl of mud.]
Squidina: Ah! [slurps] Ahh. [smiles at camera, iris out on her face]