Just in Time for Christmas/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Just in Time for Christmas/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with a shot of the Star house on a snowy night. Cecil walks outside, dressed in winter clothes and wielding a chainsaw. He climbs up a telephone pole and cuts it down. A construction worker, grabbing onto the pole, screams and falls.]
Cecil: Merry Christmas!
[The poles surge with electricity, causing the construction worker to fall and hit the snow. The lights outside the Star house burn out. Cecil takes a segment of the pole and walks back inside. Patrick, wearing an elf costume and holding a candle, opens the curtains.]
Patrick: [gasps] Odds Bodkins! A severed telephone pole? Why, that means it's Christmas Eve! I'm missing it!
[Patrick runs off-screen, leaving his candle and clothes behind. The candle lights them on fire and they burn into ash.]
[In the living room, the Star family are preparing for Christmas. GrandPat is at the top of the tree, fitting a star topper on it. Patrick runs into the room and hits the telephone pole, being flung back into the punch bowl. GrandPat is shocked with electricity, while the family stand and admire it.]
Cecil: Nice job lighting the star, son.
[GrandPat falls off the tree and walks outside the room. Bunny walks into the kitchen and reappears inside the punch bowl.]
Bunny: Don't hog the punch, dear. Get your presents for everyone and put them under the pole.
Squidina: And we're all expecting better gifts this year, big brother. They better be awesome.
[Squidina takes out a long candy cane and pushes Patrick out of the room. Patrick's body is pushed through the door, cutting his head off.]
Patrick: Oh, no. I forgot to get anyone anything. [his body grabs his head and puts it back on] There's gotta be gifts around here somewhere. [notices something] Huh!? [Burning fireplace logs appear above his head, then fall down on him. He slips out of his clothes, which then burn up.]
[Patrick runs to a trash can and reaches inside, grabbing a candle with a bite mark out of it.]
Patrick: Half-chewed candle, gift! [He takes out a candle with three bite marks.] Fully-chewed candle, gift! [He takes out a gray, stone-like pair of underwear, hitting it with a pickax twice.] Ooh, petrified underwear. Gift! [He takes the items and sings happily, dancing outside the room.] Gift, gift, gifty gift, gonna give a gift -- [Ouchie jumps on his leg] Owww!
Ouchie: [angry barking]
Patrick: What's that, boy? You say you stopped me because I'm about to give my family [foghorn blares] garbage for Christmas?
Ouchie: [barking]
Patrick: You're right, Ouchie. I gave everyone the same garbage [throws it away] last year. You heard Squidina. This year has to be awesome. [looks at his wristwatch] Oh, if only I had more time.
[Ouchie jumps into Patrick's head, sending him backwards until he walks into the time closet.]
Patrick: Oh, yeah! The time closet will give me enough time to find [takes out a hand bell and puts on a Santa hat with mistletoe on the end] perfect Christmas gifts for everybody. [Patrick laughs and shakes his bell, then swallows it and shakes his butt, which jingles.] First, I'll get Dad the latest shaver [the camera zooms-in on his face] from the fuuuture! [pressing buttons on the time closet] Boop, boop, boop, boop, beep, bop, bop.
[An atom symbol appears on the time closet's window. Patrick steps inside and teleports to a faraway red planet. Captain Doug Quasar is looking through some binoculars, with Pat-Tron standing close by.]
Quasar: Uh-huh, mm-hmm. [puts down binoculars] Look alive, Pat-Tron. We need a Christmas tree, and this planet is crawling with them. [looking through binoculars and pointing] Behold!
[A swarm of Christmas trees run by, dropping tinsel on Quasar's space helmet and a tree topper on Pat-Tron. Pat-Tron vacuums it off.
Pat-Tron: Wild trees are very dangerous, Captain. According to my calculations, your only chance of cutting them down is [takes out a rectangular device] with one of these. [He shoots out a bright yellow laser, slicing off the top of Quasar's helmet.]
Quasar: Put that baby toy away, Pat-Tron, and watch in awe as I hogtie these prickly beasts with my bare musclebound hands. [flexes his hands]
[Quasar jumps after a tree, resulting in a large fight cloud. More trees join in, as Pat-Tron watches. Patrick's time closet appears.]
Patrick: Greetings, future guy! Can you help me? I'm looking for the latest electric shaver to give my stubbly old Dad for Christmas. [Quasar and the trees fight in the background. Patrick shakes his butt.]
Pat-Tron: [takes out the laser device] Oh, give him this. Captain Quasar doesn't need it. [cuts off part of a tree and his own arm] It'll shave anything. It's cutting edge technology.
Patrick: [takes laser] Wow, thanks!
[Pat-Tron's eyes flash red and green, as his screen displays a red heart and a mouth.]
Pat-Tron: Mistletoe proximity alert. [He opens his body, and a large panel with a pair of lips comes out. It kisses Patrick, who blushes.]
Patrick: Well, nice doing business with you too! [quickly steps back into time closet, embarrassed]
Quasar: [being beaten up by trees] Pat-Tron, forget what I said. I need the laser! Pass me the laser! Baby wants his laser!
[Pat-Tron picks up his arm and moves away. Patrick arrives back home.]
Patrick: Dad's gift is in the bag! [He throws the laser into a blue bag labeled "The Bag", then reads out a roll of toilet paper with various Christmas symbols drawn on it in red and green.] Next on the list is GrandPat. [rolls it up and puts it in his pants] Hm, I wonder what old people like?
[Ouchie jumps at a button on the time machine. The screen buzzes with static, then shows a caveman version of Old Man Jenkins standing in a prehistoric field.]
Caveman Jenkins: Who hungry? Me cook food with fire. Me got [cut to live-action chicken wings on a table] pterodactyl wings and [cut to two giant live-action eggs] dino egg omelets, all with a side order of fire! So come on down to Caveman Jenkins Farms [cowers from the sun] or Sun God will destroy us all with fire!
Female singers: Come to Caveman Jenkins Farms, where our motto is--
Caveman Jenkins: [dances, then drags his club on the ground, lighting it on fire] Fire!
[Patrick watches Caveman Jenkins jump around and bash his club on the ground from the time machine's screen.]
Patrick: I bet GrandPat would love some vintage food from his old neighborhood. [shakes his butt] Leedle, leedle, leedle, lee! [steps inside]
[In prehistoric times, Caveman Jenkins is bashing a large cow over the head with his club to milk it. It turns around, flinging him away with his tail. Patrick steps over and drinks the bucket of milk.]
Patrick: Mmm, lizardy.
[Patrick steps into the barn and opens the door. A large, chicken-like dinosaur is nesting on its eggs.]
Patrick: I don't think anybody would mind if I took just one little egg.
[Patrick walks over to it, tip-toeing. He reaches to grab an egg, but the dinosaur wakes up and swallows him. It lays him inside an egg, which then hatches.]
Patrick: Ah, perfect! Now it'll be easy to grab an egg!
Dinosaur: [clucking]
Patrick: [panicking] Shhhh! [He takes an egg and walks out with it.] I guess it takes a smart cookie to fool a dumb animal. [He runs into the dinosaur, which squeaks aggressively and chases after him] I didn't mean you!
[Patrick runs back into his time closet. The dinosaur sticks its head in, squawking aggressively and biting at him. Patrick fights it off.]
Dinosaur: I spy mistletoe! [kisses Patrick, then leaves]
Patrick: Yuck! Why does everyone keep kissing me?
[Ouchie jumps on Patrick's butt.]
Patrick: [screams] Oh, you're right, Ouchie. [sticks Ouchie on the wall] I do need to stay focused. [a fax noise plays as a printout appears from Patrick's pants] Hm, Mommy is next on the list, and this year, I want to give her something really fun. [throws away paper and thinks] What did she always used to say?
[A poorly-drawn Bunny appears in Patrick's thought bubble.]
Thought bubble Bunny: There's no place more fun than a carnival!
Patrick: Thanks, Mom.
Thought bubble Bunny: You're welcome, dear. Ooh, mistletoe!
[Bunny reaches out of the thought bubble and kisses Patrick, and he blushes.]
Patrick: Awww, Mom! [hits the time machine buttons with his butt] Beep, boop, boop!
[Patrick is teleported to the middle of a bustling carnival.]
Patrick: Cool, smells like freaks! [walks past a bearded Mrs. Puff] The Bearded Blowfish? Cool! [walks past a conjoined crab and sponge] The SpongeKrab Twins. What!? [walks up to a small blue sea monkey in a bowl] Fiji Mermaid? [the monkey bats at Patrick's mistletoe hat] Now I've seen everything. Mom was right! This is really fun! Aw, but I still don't know what she wants for Christmas. [He walks away. The monkey follows behind him.]
[A strong, mustached fish covered in tattoos flexes on a stage. Patrick walks by.]
Patrick: The Tattooed Fish? [getting idea] I'll get Mom a new tattoo for Christmas!
Tattooed Fish: [looks at a tattooed-on watch] Ooh? Break time!
[The Tattooed Fish sits on a stool and picks up a newspaper. The crowd walks away, while Patrick approaches him from behind. He stares at a seahorse tattoo on his back, then giggles. Patrick draws an apple on his stomach with a red marker, then shows it to the seahorse. It licks its lips and jumps off the fish's body and onto Patrick's stomach.]
Patrick: Ow! Man, getting a tattoo hurts.
[Patrick turns around, and the monkey is still on his back, batting at the mistletoe. Patrick walks with his head down, and crashes into Mrs. Puff. She appears angry, but then notices the mistletoe.]
Mrs. Puff: We're under the mistletoeee! [She tries to kiss Patrick, but the monkey slaps her in the face. She gets angry and inflates.] How dare you?
Patrick: How dare who?
[Mrs. Puff turns her beard into a fist and punches Patrick. He is sent flying back into the time closet's door. When he arrives back in his room, he notices the monkey under his hat.]
Patrick: Hello there, cutie pie! [holds him] Aw, you look like a perfect gift for Squidina, and you just saved me another trip. [turns to Ouchie] I did it, Ouchie! I got something for [a banner reading "Christmas Accomplished" appears as confetti falls] everyone on my list! I gotta get these gifts under the pole! [Patrick takes out a pair of scissors, tape, and wrapping paper.]
French narrator: The next morning...
[Patrick is presenting gifts to his family in the living room.]
Patrick: I hope you all like your gifts!
[Cecil opens his, which is the laser Patrick got from Pat-Tron.]
Patrick: It's an electric razor from the future, Dad!
[The laser goes off and hits Cecil's face.]
Cecil: Hey! [his face skin slides off, revealing his skeleton] Wow! Now that's a close shave! Thanks, son.
GrandPat: Oh, I hope it's not another chewed-up candle! [unwraps his gift, which is a large egg] A dinosaur egg? I haven't had a pterodactyl omelet since I was a cave boy. Thank you, grandson!
[GrandPat runs off to the kitchen and returns with a frying pan, which he puts under the egg, and a rolling pin. He is about to hit the egg, but it hatches and reveals a baby dinosaur. It caws, then grabs him and flies to the top of the tree. It rocks GrandPat to sleep.]
GrandPat: Wake me when it's New Year's.
Patrick: [presents his stomach, which has wrapping paper taped over it] Merry Christmas, Mom! [unwraps it to see a seahorse tattoo]
Bunny: A new tattoo!? [it jumps onto her arm, alongside a tattoo with a red heart that says "Mom"] How did you know? [the seahorse bites the heart tattoo]
[Bunny walks away. Squidina runs up, holding the sea monkey by the hand.]
Squidina: I love your gift, big brother! I'm calling him Maurice. I've already taught him a few tricks!
[She whistles with her fingers. The sea monkey begins juggling candy canes and making happy noises. Squidina throws it a bone, which it bites and jumps out of the room.]
Squidina: What I don't understand is where [points at Patrick] you got all the money to pay for these extravagant gifts.
Patrick: Yeah, right? [laughs] What's money?
[The time closet activates. A yellow taxi drives in, crashing through the wall. Captain Doug Quasar gets out.]
Quasar: That kid stole my Laser Phaser!
Tattooed Fish: [getting out of taxi] That kid stole my tattoo!
Caveman Jenkins: [getting out of taxi] He steal egg!
Dinosaur: [appears behind taxi, squawks]
Squidina: [disapproving, to Patrick] Oh, so that's how you got 'em.
Quasar, Tattooed Fish, Caveman Jenkins: And we want 'em back.
Patrick: [takes out another stack of presents] Happy holidays, time travelers! You're just in time to open your presents. [throws them to each visitor]
Quasar: Gifts? For us?
Tattooed Fish: Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Caveman Jenkins: Fire?
[They unwrap their gifts; Quasar got petrified underwear, the Tattooed Fish got a mess of hair, Caveman Jenkins got a chewed-up candle, and the dinosaur got GrandPat and the hatchling.
Patrick: [looking at Squidina] I'm glad somebody appreciates my thoughtful gifts. [blows at mistletoe]
Quasar, Tattooed Fish, Caveman Jenkins: Patrick's under the mistletoe! [They all move in to kiss him.]
Patrick: Stay away from me! Stay away! [screams]
Squidina: Oh, Patrick, if you don't want people to kiss you, [takes off hat and wears it herself] don't wear a mistletoe hat.
Patrick: [laughs] Oh, huh, I thought it was because I'm [a detailed, realistic close-up of his face is shown, as a woman whistling is heard] so handsome! Thanks, sis.
[The time travelers start trying to kiss Squidina. She panics and climbs up the telephone pole. Bunny stands by with a camera.]
Bunny: Photo time! Everybody say, "Merry Christmas"!
Everyone: [joins in for the photo] Merry Christmas!
[Bunny takes a picture with her camera. The screen cuts to a "The End" card.]