Klopnodian Heritage Festival/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Klopnodian Heritage Festival/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[A shot of the Klopnodian Heritage Festival is seen. Perch Perkins is reporting from outside.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins coming to you live from the umpteenth annual Klopnodian Heritage Festival!
[The screen pans across the festival as Perch speaks. Various starfish are dressed up, while fish run carnival stands. In the background, a starfish throws a balloon at a wall of darts. Sam Star mixes "Stew on a Stick", a fish blows another one out of a tuba, and an old fish has two kids swinging on his beard.]
Perch Perkins: Here you can taste strange foods, play bizarre games, and ogle the freaky costumes on display in broad daylight. So bring the whole family down, gawk at the screwballs, and maybe try a traditional fried mud pie. [He takes out a pie made of mud, bites into it, and then spits it out in disgust.] Good Neptune! That's real mud!
[The Star family stampede past Perch. Patrick leans back in to catch the rest of the mud pie in his mouth. The family walk through the festival, with Bunny wearing a Klopnodian outfit and Squidina reading a pamphlet.]
Bunny: I'm so happy to be sharing my Klopnodian culture with my family!
Squidina: According to this pamphlet, Klopnod is the silliest place in the ocean.
GrandPat: And the weakest, too! [An ancient-style painting of GrandPat leading an army is shown.] In the 12th century, my army invaded and conquered Klopnod in half a day. [The screen shatters.]
Squidina: It says here that your army lost, and they named a cream puff after you.
[A fish at a "GrandPat Cream Puffs" stand is seen ringing a bell. Signs on the stand read "25¢" and "The Flavor of Failure."]
Clerk: GrandPat Cream Puffs! Get your GrandPats here!
GrandPat: More like cream tough! Well! [storms off into the crowd]
[Bunny takes the rest of the family to a table with various dishes on it: moldy bread, a sausage, and some soup.]
Bunny: And here we have some more traditional Klopnod dishes. Hundred-year-old bread!
[Patrick eats the bread; it is completely solid, and he falls over.]
Bunny: Phony bologna!
[Patrick bites on a sausage and struggles to chew it. It snaps back and hits him in the face. He gets angry and smacks it against the table, knocking off a plate. It then flies out of his hands and lands off-screen.]
Fred: [off-screen] Ow, my leg!
Bunny: And this one is my favorite. Rock soup!
[Patrick pours the "soup" into his mouth, which is entirely rocks. His stomach rumbles, then inflates and deflates.]
[Cecil wears a shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm Klopnodian" by a T-shirt stand.]
Cecil: Oh, Bunny? Is it okay if I wear this "Kiss me, I'm Klopnodian" shirt if I'm not Klopnodian?
[Various women run up to Cecil and start kissing him.]
Cecil: No, wait, stop! I'm married! [He screams, throws the shirt on the ground, and runs away. The women start kissing it instead.]
[GrandPat is digging through a trash can.]
GrandPat: I'll show these Klops who won the war! [takes out a sausage and throws it]
Fred: [off-screen] My other leg!
[GrandPat puts a pot on his head as a helmet, and rips off a board of a fence to use it as a sword. He swings it around, and a young kid walks up to him eating a cream puff.]
GrandPat: Name a cream puff after me, will you?
Kid: Loser! [He throws the cream puff in GrandPat's face, causing him to fall into the trash can.] Hmmph!
[Patrick is swinging on an old man's beard, as Squidina and Cecil watch. Bunny approaches them.]
Bunny: Hey, kids, I've got a wonderful surprise for you. You're going to be initiated into the wonderful ways of Klopnod. It's what we call [enunciating] Gashpluckt. [hugs Patrick and Squidina] I'm so proud of you two, participating in this family tradition just like I did as a child. [Bunny shows a framed photo of herself as a child.]
[Three Klopnodian elder men approach Patrick and Cecil.]
Elder man: Father and son, come with us.
[Three Klopnodian elder women approach Squidina and Bunny.]
Elder woman: Mother and daughter, come with us.
[Patrick and Squidina look nervous and shrug at each other.]
Squidina: Ehh...
[Inside a tent, Patrick and Cecil sit in their underwear on the opposite side of the three elder men. There is a fire pit in the middle.]
Elder man: This is the Flop Sweat Lodge. Klopnodian males are afraid of everything, and so we sweat. This practice is called Gaplork. Now, let us perspire.
[The elders and Cecil start sweating, leaving puddles on the ground. Patrick is nervous.]
Cecil: [whispering] What's the matter, son? Go ahead and sweat!
Patrick: [strains, face shrinks] I can't do it! [He glances around the room and whispers something inaudible to Cecil.]
Cecil: Oh. [to elders] It seems the boy is sweat shy. Would you mind turning away?
[The elders grunt and turn away. Patrick strains and contorts his body, finally producing a tiny bead of sweat on his forehead. It grows an arm and breathes a sigh of relief. The elders shake their heads disapprovingly.]
[In another tent, Bunny and Squidina are lectured by three elder Klopnodian women.]
Elder woman: In Klopnod, it is tradition that only women folk are allowed to [takes out flyswatter and swings it] swat sea flies. The reason has been lost to the ages. We call this practice [a detailed close-up of her mouth is shown] Foinsapp.
[She gives Bunny and Squidina each a flyswatter. Bunny is excited, but Squidina is nervous.]
Bunny: Ooh!
Elder woman: It takes skill and artistry. Observe!
[She opens a box and releases flies into the air.]
Bunny: [excited] Oh!
Elder women: [together] Foinsapp!
Bunny: Foinsapp! [jumping around, swatting flies] Foinsapp! Foinsapp, foinsapp, foinsapp! [swats fly next to Squidina] Foinsapp!
Elder woman: Now!
Squidina: [screams]
Elder woman: It is your turn!
Squidina: [confused] But you've swatted all the flies.
[The woman raises her hand, then opens it to release a single fly. Squidina watches it fly past, when Bunny encourages her.]
Bunny: Go ahead, dear!
Squidina: [running up to the fly] Foinsapp! [misses, and jumps up to hit it] Foinsapp! [jumps again, and misses] Foinsapp!
[Squidina runs after it again, but misses and grunts. In frustration, she throws her flyswatter at the fly. The fly grabs it and swats Squidina repeatedly, as she runs around the room screaming. The three elder women shake their heads disapprovingly.]
[Over inside a circus tent, Cecil carries a large, wobbling pole. Patrick sits at the top.]
Elder man: In Klopnod, all shelves are 30 feet high because -- I don't know. All Klopnodian boys must master the shelf pole. We call this Spladap. The wooden objects on the shelf [two blocks, shaped like a circle and a star, are on the shelf] go into the corresponding holes [another elder wheels in a rectangular container with a circle and star hole] in the table. This you do without leaving the pole, assisted only by [points to Cecil] the pole holder.
Cecil: Okay, here goes! [carries the pole over to the shelf]
Patrick: Ooh! [picks up a circle block]
Elder man: Put it in the round hole!
[Patrick nods and then shoves the block in his mouth.]
Elder man: The round hole in the table!
Cecil: Okay, son! Nice and easy!
Patrick: [muffled, with block in his mouth] Nice and easy!
[The pole tilts forward, and Patrick slams into the middle of the container. A square-shaped hole is now in the middle. Patrick appears injured, with a tooth falling out of his mouth.]
Patrick: How'd I do?
Elder man: Wow, I did not even know we had a square hole. [Patrick raises back up to the shelf] One more to go! Get the star!
[Patrick grabs the star]
Cecil: That's it, son! Just--[slips and loses his footing] yikes!
[Patrick screams and gets sent flying backwards. He lunges forward and smacks into a tentpole, dropping the star and sending it into an elder's head. He faints.]
Cecil: [straining] I can't hold on!
Patrick: I'm peeling out! [He jumps off the pole, landing into the middle of the table. A star-shaped hole is created. He appears through the middle, his face twisted.] Spladap?
[The elders shake their heads. In another tent, Squidina and Bunny face three elder women, who are holding a checkered tablecloth.]
Elder woman: You will now learn the proper folding and raising of the Klopnodian flag. This is called Katoof.
Squidina: That's not a flag. It's a tablecloth. And it's got mustard stains on it!
Elder women: [shaking their heads] No, no, no.
Squidina: [shrugs] Alright, alright! It's a flag!
Elder woman: This is how we fold!
[The three of them bunch the tablecloth into a ball. They stick it on a hook and raise it up the flagpole, and one elder salutes it.]
Squidina: You fold the flag, and then you raise it?
[Bunny salutes. Squidina is handed a tablecloth. She balls it up and then throws it onto a hook. It unfurls, as dramatic music plays.]
Elder woman: It unfolded! So disrespectful! [The others are disgusted, and one faints in shock.]
[Patrick, Squidina, and all six elders walk onto the stage. Patrick and Squidina run up and hug each other.]
Patrick: Sis!
Squidina: I'm so glad that's over, big brother. [shivers] It was horrible!
Patrick: Thank goodness we'll never have to do that again.
Elder man: And now it's time for you to do that again. You will show us all you have learned during the traditional Klopnodian folk dance. It is called Thewholeshebang! Curtains up!
[The curtains rise, revealing a live audience. Spotlights shine on the stage. The Klopnodian anthem starts up.]
Patrick: ...Do you hear that?
Squidina: ...Uh-huh.
Crowd: [singing] ♪ Our country's yards are filled with clods ♪ / ♪ Dear old Klopnod! ♪ / ♪ Our country's yards are filled with clods ♪ / ♪ Dear old Klopnod! ♪
[Musicians play instruments as the song is sung. Squidina and Patrick stare ahead. Squidina is handed a flyswatter, while a starfish in a fly suit walks up to Patrick.]
Fly suit man: Foinsapp!
[Patrick screams and punches him off the stage. He lands in the crowd.]
Crowd: [booing and groaning]
[Patrick bows for the audience. A starfish runs in and carries him up on a tall pole. A table with a circle and star block are wheeled up to Patrick.]
Crowd: [excited cheering] Spladap! Spladap! Spladap!
Patrick: [scared] I don't wanna! [He jumps from the pole onto the table.]
Pole holder: Come on, kid!
[Patrick throws the star at his head, causing him to walk backwards and land into the crowd.]
[Squidina is pushed on-stage, and two Klopnodian women throw a tablecloth over her.]
Crowd: Katoof, Katoof, Katoof! Katoof, Katoof, Katoof!
[Squidina lifts up the tablecloth and grumbles in frustration. She throws it over a table, which she sets with a vase of flowers, two plates, and two glasses.]
Squidina: It's a tablecloth!
Patrick: I'm Kloppin' outta here.
[Patrick slides down the flagpole, but lands on a bed of hot coals.]
Crowd: Gaplork! Gaplork, Gaplork, Gaplork, Gaplork!
Bunny: [looking at Patrick from behind curtains] Sweat, son! You have to sweat! For dear old Klopnod, Gaplork, son! Gap that lork!
Patrick: I want to, but everybody's looking! [shivers]
[Cecil walks on stage, and a spotlight shines on him.]
Cecil: People of Klopnod and Klopnod people, my son would love to sweat for you all, but the boy is sweat shy, so if it wouldn't be too much trouble, give the boy some privacy while he sweats? Would you mind?
Crowd: [discussing and agreeing] Yeah. / Okay. / Well, sure. / The boy is shy. / I'm sweat shy too! / Yeah.
[The crowd turns around. Patrick strains hard, and a wave of water washes over the crowd. They turn around, to see Patrick sweating out of his armpits and spinning like a fountain. Bunny, Cecil, and Squidina look on from behind the curtains. The crowd cheers, and GrandPat jumps on stage.]
GrandPat: [screams] Throw down your cream puffs, you Klopnodians! You're all my prisoners now! [laughs] After thousands of years, I have my revenge! [He laughs, and a fly flies onto his beard.]
Elder woman: [gasps] Sea fly!
Elder women: [take out flyswatters] Foinsapp!
GrandPat: Huh? [screams and runs off] I surrender! I surrender!
[The family walk through the festival at night. Squidina has a fly on a leash.]
Cecil: Wow, what a Gashpluckt day.
Squidina: [to camera] I'd rather walk them than swat them.
[Bunny eats a GrandPat cream puff. Patrick walks by, still sweating from his armpits.]
Patrick: How do I turn these off?
Cecil: Son, it's time I introduce you to the wonderful world of [takes off his shirt, revealing large corks in his armpits] underarm corks.
[Everybody laughs. A flyswatter hits the screen.]
Elder woman: Foinsapp!