Krusty Krab Training Video/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Krusty Krab Training Video" from season 3, which aired on May 10, 2002.

[Montage of aspects of the Krusty Krab are shown, starting the episode.]
Narrator: Welcome aboard! If you're watching this video, then let me be the first to say: Congratulations! [a rainbow with the word "Congratulations" appears] You've recently been hired by the Krusty Krab restaurant, [a spatula, a hat, and a bucket appear in SpongeBob's hands] and this is your first official day of training.
SpongeBob: Can I make a Krabby Patty now?
Narrator: Oh, no... you've got a lot to learn before you're ready to make a Krabby Patty! As you can see by this graph...
[The scene cuts to a giraffe.]
Narrator: [clears throat] "Graph".
[A graph is shown. The Krusty Krab is moving up along the graph line.]
Narrator: You are now employed in one of the most successful restaurants in Bikini Bottom. But it didn't get that way over night... [turns nighttime] because the store closes at 6.
[The scene cuts to picture of Mr. Krabs and the Krusty Krab behind him.]
Narrator: No, the story of the Krusty Krab is the story of one man's hard work, perseverance, vision, determination, and sweat.
[The scene zooms toward Mr. Krabs' armpits.]
Narrator: But mostly, his sweat.
[The scene cuts to a transition slide.]
Narrator: From Humble Beginnings.
[The scene cuts to a sepia picture of Mr. Krabs as a child, singing along as he walks up to a soda machine with a quarter in his hand.]
Narrator: You may think that Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, owner and founder of Krusty Krab Inc., has always been the financial wizard he is today.
[Young Mr. Krabs puts in his quarter then pulls it back out; it is attached to a piece of string.]
Narrator: And you're right!
[Young Mr. Krabs laughs while drinking his soda. The scene cuts to a tired Mr. Krabs, sitting depressed in a room with a light at the window.]
Narrator: After the war, Krabs stayed secluded in a deep depression that seemed endless.
[The scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, now a retirement home with elderly fish outside playing shuffleboard.]
Narrator: But then his luck changed when he acquired a bankrupt retirement home, and with a few minor alterations, the Krusty Krab was born!
[Mr. Krabs paints a giant "K" with red paint on a sign outside that reads "The Rusty Krab". We can hear a sound of a baby crying in the background. The scene cuts to a Krabby Patty with a light shining on it.]
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of--
Hoopla fish: [interrupting offscreen] Hoopla!
Narrator: Uh, sounds like a lot--
Hoopla fish: [interrupts again] Hoopla!
Narrator: Sounds like a--
Hoopla fish: [still interrupting] Hoopla! [scrolls over to him yelling while sticking out a hand and making a megaphone shaped mouth] Hoopla!
[Someone off screen throws a brick at the fish, knocking him unconscious. The screen scrolls back to the patty.]
Narrator: Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over a little Krabby Patty, right? [chuckles, then shouts as the screen shakes] Wrong!
[The scene cuts to another transition slide.]
Narrator: The Krusty Krab Today.
[The scene cuts to a montage of close-ups in the Krusty Krab, similar to the episode intro. Then the scene cuts to a view of the inside of the Krusty Krab where customers are eating Krabby Patties.]
Narrator: To keep up with today's demanding customers, no expense has been spared to acquire all the latest achievements in fast food technology.
Mr. Krabs: [holds up a spatula in his hand] This here is an advanced patty-control mechanism. [now standing at the register] Here, you can see our automated money-handling system. Don't touch! [now holding some ice cubes] These are your high-quality beverage temperature devices... imported. [holds up a straw] This here's a prototype liquid transfer machine. [puts the straw in the cup and drinks it] And most importantly, [holds up some ketchup packets] You get your state-of-the-art condiment-dispersal units. Now, are you gonna buy something or just stand there? 'Cause there's a standing fee.
[SpongeBob is standing there when a packet of ketchup, spatula, a cash register, cup, and ice cubes appear around him. The narrator talks while SpongeBob is on screen.]
Narrator: All of this modernization seems a little overwhelming, doesn't it?
[The items spin around SpongeBob.]
Narrator: Well, luckily for you, Mr. Krabs' fear of robot overlords keeps the balance of technology in check.
[The items disappear and SpongeBob floats to the side. The scene changes to SpongeBob standing next to Squidward near the cash register.]
Narrator: But if modernization is the heart of the Krusty Krab, then employees are the liver and gallbladder.
[Close-up of SpongeBob's face.]
Narrator: Let's see if you got what it takes. Hmm... poised, confident, and a smile that says, "Hello world! May I take your order?" You've got the makings of a good employee, Mr. SquarePants! But for every good employee, there is one who is not so good.
[Close-up of Squidward reading his dance magazine. He looks bored as he stares at his pages.]
Narrator: Let's see... inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. [close-up of the button Squidward is wearing on his shirt] Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for employees like this, but we'll call him... "Squidward".
Squidward: I'm getting paid overtime for this, right Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: [from his office] Sorry, can't hear you!
[The scene cuts to another transition slide.]
Narrator: Training.
SpongeBob: Does this mean I get to make a Krabby Patty now?
Narrator: No, you can't make a Krabby Patty without understanding the phrase: "POOP".
SpongeBob: "POOP"?
Narrator: Once you understand "POOP", you'll understand your place at the Krusty Krab. But what does "POOP" mean?
[SpongeBob shrugs.]
Narrator: It's actually a carefully organized code. Watch closely: [revealing text as he speaks] "People Order Our Patties".
SpongeBob: Oh! "POOP"! [smiles proudly]
Narrator: Looks like Mr. SquarePants understands "POOP".
[The scene cuts to Incidental 40 walking up to Squidward.]
Narrator: Here's a typical customer; I wonder what he wants. Well, if we just remember "POOP", we can figure it out!
Incidental 40: I'd like to order-- [the screen freezes]
Narrator: Do you think he's going to order: A, a sofa; B, an expensive haircut; or C, a patty?
Incidental 40: [scene resumes] --one patty, please.
Narrator: Ah, "POOP"! You never let us down!
[The scene cuts to a giant Krabby Patty.]
Narrator: Now that you understand "POOP", I bet you think you're ready to make a Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob: Krabby Patty! [sprints towards the Krabby Patty, but once he gets too close, he gets splattered on the background with a fly swatter]
Narrator: Ha-ha! Not so fast, Eager McBeaver. We haven't even talked about... [transition slide] Personal Hygiene.
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob in front of a sink.]
Narrator: Every employee at the Krusty Krab must comply with a strict set of personal hygiene guidelines.
[SpongeBob turns the faucet on.]
Narrator: Okay, Mr. SquarePants, are you ready to prepare for your shift?
[SpongeBob lathers his hands.]
Narrator: A good employee always scrubs his hands thoroughly. Be sure to get under those fingernails.
[SpongeBob nods and scrubs a bit harder.]
Narrator: And don't forget about the knuckles.
[SpongeBob scrubs a bit harder.]
Narrator: And make sure those palms are squeaky clean.
[SpongeBob scrubs as hard as he can.]
Narrator: All right, let's see those hands!
[SpongeBob shows his hands, which are invisible from scrubbing so much]
Narrator: Now, that's thorough! [chuckles]
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob's shiny boots.]
Narrator: After making sure your feet are polished... [the scene cuts to a close-up of SpongeBob's face, in which a boil is on his nose] your face is clear of any blemishes or boils... [SpongeBob cuts the boil off with scissors] and your hair is neat and tidy... [SpongeBob lifts up his hat, sprays a little hairspray on a single hair to make it straight, then puts his hat back on] you are ready to start the day! Now, let's see how Squidward prepares for his shift.
[One of the bathroom stall doors opens to show Squidward sleeping on the toilet with his dance magazine on his lap. He then notices that people are looking at him. He laughs nervously and slams the stall door shut.]
Narrator: Remember: no employee wants to be a Squidward.
[A giant Krabby Patty appears on the screen again.]
Narrator: Now that you're clean and hygienic, I'll bet you think you're ready to make that Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob: [screams in excitement] I'm ready! [splits into two SpongeBob's] I'm ready! [splits into more SpongeBob's] I'm ready! [splits himself into more SpongeBob's until fly swatters splat all of them on the screen]
Narrator: Woah, there! We have a few more topics to cover first.
[Transition slide.]
Narrator: Your Work Station.
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob vacuuming on top of the stove.]
Narrator: It's important to keep your area tidy and free of droppings. But a clean workstation is only part of the job. [the scene cuts to SpongeBob thinking of a Krabby Patty] To make the vision in your head a reality, you'll need supplies. And a good employee always keeps his supplies well-organized.
[SpongeBob opens up a cabinet, then opens the bottom drawer to reveal a bunch of folders with names of condiments and ingredients.]
Narrator: Very nice, Mr. SquarePants. Not a pickle out of place.
[SpongeBob peeks out the kitchen door.]
Narrator: Now, let's see how Squidward keeps his work station.
[Squidward's work station is covered in ketchup and mustard. The octopus is sprawled out sleeping with a dance magazine on his face and a "Do not disturb" sign hanging on his left feet. He wakes up.]
Squidward: Huh? [shouts as the cash register drawer opens up and conks him on the head; falls to the floor]
Narrator: Don't worry, Squidward, Mr. SquarePants can cover for you.
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob standing next to the grill.]
Narrator: Now that your workstation is up and running, perhaps you think you're ready to make the world-famous Krabby Patty!
[SpongeBob barks like a dog then runs around the room.]
Narrator: [laughs] Calm down.
[A bone is thrown at SpongeBob; he grabs it with his teeth and gnaws it.]
Narrator: There's plenty of time left. We have to make sure you're ready for the psychological aspect of the job: [transition slide] Interfacing with Your Boss.
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to Mr. Krabs in his office. Mr. Krabs is writing papers.]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, can I have a raise?
Mr. Krabs: No.
Narrator: Good job, Mr. SquarePants!
SpongeBob: [runs up to the camera] Can I make a Krabby Patty no--
[The scene cuts to Patrick walking into the Krusty Krab.]
Narrator: And now we go from behind the scenes to the front lines, where we'll examine the most important aspect of the industry, the customer. Or, as we like to say, the "Krus"-tomer!
Patrick: [stops, startled] Who said that? Are you a ghost?
Narrator: Like precious, precious blood in an animal, customers are what keeps the Krusty Krab strong and alive.
[Patrick walks to Squidward and points at the ceiling.]
Patrick: Squidward! Your ceiling is talking to me!
Squidward: Are you gonna order something, or just make friends with the paneling?
Patrick: Ah, uh... I'll have an, uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... [falls asleep and snores]
[Squidward snaps at Patrick, causing him to wake up.]
Patrick: Huh? Who's there?
Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.
Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Squidward! Remember what Mr. Krabs says...
Mr. Krabs: [a cut-out of Mr. Krabs appears] The money is always right!
Patrick: The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.
Squidward: Fine. May I please take your order?
Patrick: I'll have, uh... uh... [drones]
[Squidward gets mad and grips the cash register.]
Narrator: We'll check in with these two later. [Transition slide] Right now, it's important that we discuss an... Emergency Situation!
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a Krabby Patty looking around suspiciously.]
Narrator: Like the lost gold of Atlantis, many consider the Krabby Patty to be a treasure. And as with every treasure, there's a thief ready to steal it. So it's up to you to be the watchful eyes of--
[The Krabby Patty grows metal legs and walks off.]
Narrator: What's this?
[Plankton is riding on the walking patty.]
Narrator: It's Mr. Krabs' business rival, Plankton!
Plankton: Eat my microscopic dust, Krabs! Your secret formula is finally mine!
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob with a face of shock.]
Narrator: He's stealing the formula! What are you going to do, Mr. SquarePants?
[SpongeBob screams in horror and runs around the restaurant. Mr. Krabs walks up to Plankton as he and the patty are going really slow.]
Plankton: You'll never catch me, Krabs! Not when I switch into maximum overdrive! [whips] Hi-ya!
[The mechanical legs of the Krabby Patty start whirring slightly faster. Mr. Krabs walks at normal speed and grabs the patty.]
Plankton: I knew I should've gotten the turbo.
[SpongeBob is still running around screaming, and knocking over tables and chairs.]
Plankton: Hear me, Krabs! You'll take this Krabby Patty from me when you pry it from my cold, dead...
Plankton: [in sped up voice] ...Felicitations, malefactors! I am in town to find my minions. And I know just how to speak their lang—-
[Mr. Krabs flicks Plankton back to the Chum Bucket. While Plankton screams, Mr. Krabs sees that SpongeBob is still screaming.]
Narrator: And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to Mr. SquarePants. [the scene cuts to Squidward and Patrick, Patrick is still droning. Squidward looks annoyed] Let's check in on Squidward again... Psst, Squidward.
Squidward: Huh?
Narrator: Just remember: "POOP"!
Squidward: Patrick... if I could make a suggestion, why don't you just order a Krabby Patty?
Patrick: [his face lights up] Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty, please.
Squidward: [sighs] Is that for here or to go? [closes his mouth in realization. Patrick starts droning again; Squidward bangs his head on the register over and over]
Narrator: Hang in there, Squidward. It's all part of the job.
[The scene cuts to a shot of the Krusty Krab training manual.]
Narrator: Now that we've covered all the basics of your training, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for!
[A blue screen appears with the Krabby Patty slowly coming closer to the screen.]
Narrator: [humming a tune as the Krabby Patty slowly gets closer and closer] Da, da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, da-da-da-la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa! [imitates cymbal crash] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa-da-daa-da-daa, di-da-di-di-da-di-di-da-didili-da-da-da-da-didili-da-da-da-da-didili-da-da-da-daa, di-da-didili-da-didil-daa, di-da-didili... [gasps for air] di-da-didili-da-didili-da-didili-da-didili-da-didili-da-di-di-da-di-di-da-di-di-daa! Preparing the Krabby Patty!
[Cut to SpongeBob worshipping a Krabby Patty poster.]
Narrator: At the center of every great dynasty is the crown jewel, which keeps it alive and thriving! For the Krusty Krab, this is the Krabby Patty!
[SpongeBob licks the poster.]
Narrator: And now, you—the humble employee off the street, the all-too-necessary human resource that keeps this business afloat—will learn the sacred and dark secrets of how to prepare, with your very own hands...
[SpongeBob gasps in joy.]
Narrator: The sumptuous, the lip-moistening, spine-tingling, heart-stopping pleasure center that is a Krabby Patty! Are you ready?
[SpongeBob nods excitedly.]
Narrator: Are you sure?
[SpongeBob nods harder but half of his face tears apart.]
Narrator: Okay! The secret formula i-- [gets cut off as the episode ends, cutting to credits]