Legend of the Lost Bathroom/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Legend of the Lost Bathroom/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a Squidina puppet hand holding a prune on a stage. The camera zooms out to reveal that Patrick has many prunes in his mouth, and Squidina is holdung the one millionth one.]
Lawnies: [chanting] One more prune! One more prune!
Squidina: [grunts while kicking the prune into Patrick's mouth]
[The prune counter reaches 999,999.]
Slappy: [takes a lady's baby] Oh! They're almost to the millionth prune! [holds the baby up] Wake up!
Baby: [babbling]
[Squidina uses traffic light pointers to direct a crane holding a giant prune over Patrick. Squidina lowers the pointers, making the crane drop the giant prune into Patrick's mouth. The prune counter now displays "1MILLION." Spinning lollipops with fire appear as cannons shoot confetti.
Lawnies: [cheering]
Squidina: [blowing kisses to the crowd]
Lady fish: [puts a crown on Patrick's head and gives him a bouquet]
Patrick: [takes bouquet, tears up]
Slappy: [tosses the baby into the air as everyone is cheering]
Patrick: [taps on Squidina, gurgles indistinctly]
Squidina: [puts tentacle up to her ear] What's that, Patrick? [gets on the giant prune and stomps on it] You need something to wash down all those prunes? [gestures to a coffee mug, salsa bucket, and prune juice carton hanging on ropes; as the crowd oohs and ahhs] We've got coffee, chunky salsa, or prune juice.
Patrick: [pulls all three ropes, showering the liquids all over him, then sighs as he goes back to normal, tosses chair, stomach growls] Huh? [points at camera glass] Hey, folks at home, you know what that sound means.
Man: [sitting on his sofa in his living room] A catastrophic seismic event?
Patrick: [sitting on the couch next to the man] Close. [shakes the man] I gotta go to the bathroom! [whimpers as he clumsily gets up and walks away, climbing past Squidina's ladder] Excuse me. It's an emergency!
Squidina: Wait for me! [puts on her camera helmet, looks at camera] What? You never know when [pats helmet] good TV might happen. [runs after Patrick]
Patrick: [whimpers as he inches himself up the stairs, then tries opening the door in a rush, knocks] I need to [Cecil opens the door, who gets knocked on] use the bathroom!
Cecil: Sorry, son. I'm using the toilet right now, to do my taxes. [sits down with Tinkle, who has a visor on; holds tax papers] Hmm. Got any 1099s?
Tinkle: [spits out a stack of papers]
Cecil: [gasps] My mortgage is underwater!
Patrick: [slams door] Downstairs bathroom! [flies into the wall, then bounces down the stairs]
GrandPat: [walking to the bathroom while humming with a newspaper, then Patrick lands next to him and squishes them in the door frame] Ah!
Patrick: [trying to push GrandPat away, who does the same to him] GrandPat, move! Upstairs is occupied, and I gotta go potty.
GrandPat: This is my toilet time, [pokes Patrick] see? It's part of my three-hour morning routine. The first step is, I shed my skin.
Patrick: Huh? [screams as GrandPat sheds out of his skin]
GrandPat's skin: Now, get out!
Patrick: [door slams on him as he gets sent away, then bangs on the door] Please! We're all out of bathrooms!
GrandPat: [slightly opens door] Well, ya have one other option. But it's told of [door fully opens to reveal a distant toilet covered in fog] only in legend.
Patrick: [teeth chattering]
GrandPat: [seen through Squidina's camera] There's tale of a lost bathroom in this house, but [waving hands near toilet] no one's ever done what it takes to find it. [gets behind the toilet, then comes out of it with a match] Solve the riddle. [reading toilet bowl text] "If the lost bathroom is what you seek, get the answer from someone meek." [blows out match to turn the room dark, pushes Patrick and Squidina out of the bathroom and shuts the door] Now scram!
Squidina: [hops] Whoa! A treasure hunting episode. The quest to find the lost bathroom. [runs off]
Patrick: [anxiously skitters to follow Squidina] Let's hope it's a short quest.
[Several toilet rolls scroll past the screen as it transitions to Patrick drinking out of a coffee mug.]
Patrick: [smacks lips, puts pin on wall] Three letters in meek. [stretches string] Three seasons in a year. [pulls red marker out of mug] Year rhymes with... [draws on the screen, with an arrow pointing out from an ear] ear! [draws a pizza, then taps the marker on his face] Pizza sounds yummy right about now. Hmm, we're close.
Squidina: We're not.
Patrick: I gotta do some [bangs fists] pacing about this. [grows large feet and stomps away] What is meek? [steps on Daddy Dartfish]
Daddy Dartfish: [on Patrick's foot] Ouch. Excuse me.
Patrick: Oh. Sorry.
Daddy Dartfish: No, no. Hope you haven't been inconvenienced by my shattered bones. [arm breaks]
Patrick: [peels Daddy Dartfish off his foot] Can't talk right now, I'm looking for someone [pokes head] meek.
Squidina: [tugs on Patrick's shirt] Patrick, the Dartfish are meek.
Patrick and Daddy Dartfish: Oh. [look at each other] Ah!
[Mommy Dartfish is sweeping the floors of their tiny home in the wall.]
Daddy Dartfish: [enters through wall hole] Honey, I'm home. And I brought a guest.
Patrick: [head squeezes into the room] Hi.
Mommy Dartfish: [claps] A guest?
Patrick: [looking around] Is this where the lost bathroom is?
Mommy Dartfish: [looking awkwardly behind a tiny bathroom with a toilet made from a thimble and spool] Um, we don't have a bathroom. [closes door] But long ago, our family was asked to look after [Sister Dartfish pushes a loose brick in the wall, making a wall rotate to reveal a dirty toilet paper roll, crushing Teensy Tom] this sacred scroll and give it to the one who inquires about the lost bathroom. [pushing the roll with her husband to Patrick] And now we bestow it upon ye.
Patrick: Me?
Mommy Dartfish: [nods] Ye.
Patrick: Ye! I mean, yay! [pulls his head out, taking the wall with it as he picks up the roll]
Mommy, Daddy, and Sister Dartfish: [coughing from the dust]
Mommy Dartfish: [waving with her daughter] Thanks for stopping by.
Daddy Dartfish: And I love the new open floor plan. [they all hunch together, gives thumbs-up]
Patrick: Let's see what it says. [opens toilet paper roll]
Squidina: Whoa, [close-up of living room drawing on toilet paper] it's a map of our living room.
Patrick: [tiptoeing fingers onto map] I don't see a lost bathroom, though. I give up. [sits fingers on drawn sofa] What's on TV? [hand uses remote to turn on the drawn TV]
Squidina: [walks fingers onto map] Hmm. [dotted line appears that points to drawn phone chair] What about this chair? [toilet paper scroll leaves screen as a dotted outline displays where the phone chair would usually be] It's in a different place than normal. [points to phone chair on the other side] It's over here now.
Patrick: [looking at toilet paper] Hey, there are holes in this toilet paper. It's useless.
Squidina: [snatches toilet paper from Patrick] Wait a second. Let me see that. Look, [holds up toilet paper drawing in front of the phone chair to reveal a code] the holes correspond to numbers on the keypad. [Patrick begins to press the phone buttons] Dial five, nine, star.
Patrick: [yells excitedly as the phone dials]
Phone voiceover: [screen turns red as it displays a phone icon with an X; tone beeping] We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as this is a chair.
Squidina: Hmm, it's a cell phone chair, so try butt dialing.
Patrick: Stand back, [lifts butt] for destiny. [buttcheeks dial the number, making the phone ring]
Both: [gasp]
[The phone moves to the side as it reveals a secret staircase.]
Patrick: That's a funny-looking toilet.
Squidina: It's not a toilet. [points] It's a secret passageway! [runs down the stairs] Come on!
Patrick: [tries to move but gets stopped by his buttocks, which he tie together before going down the stairs] I've heard of sunken living rooms, but this is ridiculous.
[A percussion sting echoes.]
Patrick: [reading scroll] Huh. It looks like whoever drew this map forgot to draw the rest of the path... [falls down, screaming] Way!
Squidina: Patrick!
Patrick: Huh? [fits perfectly between the two cliffs]
Squidina: Don't move.
Patrick: [looks down] Don't you mean, "Don't fall"? [sweating and trembling]
Squidina: [carefully walks over Patrick] Whoa!
Patrick: Squidina, stop! [Squidina stops] Back up a little. [Squidina backs up] Ooh! [Squidina begins stepping on his back] Yeah, right-- right there.
Squidina: Oh!
Patrick: I got a knot. [Squidina jumps on him, grunts] Ooh, yeah. [Squidina walks to the other cliff, sighs; moves himself up onto the other cliff upside-down and walks on his head] All right, let's go.
[A red and a blue button are seen.]
Squidina: [reading scroll] The map says after we cross the gap, we'll have to push one of these buttons, and the incorrect will lead to torment beyond anyting we've ever... [Patrick lands on the red button] Imagined. [gasps as the ground shakes, and a platform is lifted so that they both slide down the gap]
Patrick: Whoa!
Squidina: Whoa!
Both: [bump down the chasm, then scream as they fall into a medieval bathroom-themed room] Wow.
Dr. Plumber: [wearing a toilet-themed medieval outfit] At least. I have been waiting in this tomb for centuries, waiting for the chosen one. [takes towel off his head, points] You! Oh. [adjusts glasses] There's two of yous. Uh, yous.
Patrick: I like your towel.
Dr. Plumber: This ain't a towel! 'Tis a holy robe bestowed upon me by the ancient order of the [spins plunger] Pipes Templar. [gives dirty toilet cleaner to Patrick] Taketh this ancient device.
Patrick: [takes toilet cleaner] Um, ancient, right.
Dr. Plumber: Now, [pokes his forehead] using all your cunning, you must solve the increasingly difficult puzzles that I have cleverly hidden around this room in order to discover [gestures to three sinks in the distance] which sink is the one that's clogged [Patrick tosses the toilet cleaner and uses a hammer to smash the first sink, which has the key] by a special key that opens the chamber of the lost--
Patrick: [points to key] Found it!
Dr. Plumber: Huh? Oh, well, uh... [coughs] Uh... now you must still findeth the secret door. And that is a task to test even the wisest--
Patrick: [uses a different hammer to break a hole in the wall, points] Found the door.
Dr. Plumber: Oh, come on! I spent centuries creatin' that puzzle. It would have been great, but you doth ruined it! Gah! [crosses arms] Chosen, schmosen.
Patrick: [points to himself] Heh, that's me! [begins walking to the hole] Chosen schmosen from the ocean! [falls down] Ahh! [crashes]
Squidina: Patrick! [gasps as he sees Patrick has fallen into a new room, runs down the stairs] I think you found it! This must be the lost bathroom! We made it!
Patrick: [reading a newspaper with his pants down] Well, let's get cooking. [gets hit with two shovels]
Dr. Plumber: No, you knave! You must dig. It's "X marks the spot," not "X marks the squat."
Patrick: Oh, okay. [points] I dig it.
Dr. Plumber: Yeah, you dig.
Patrick: I dig. [snaps fingers, points] You dig?
Dr. Plumber: [hand on face] No, you dig.
Patrick: [holding shovel] I dig.
Dr. Plumber: That's what I'm trying to say!
Squidina: [with shovel] I love treasure hunts. [digs with Patrick]
[Real-life dirt covers the screen, then Patrick and Squidina emerge from a hole in the ceiling and look ahead]
Both: [gasp upon seeing a royal bathroom] The lost bathroom! [pull down ropes to climb down]
Patrick: This place is huge!
[Royal fanfare plays before King Neptune opens the bathroom door, holding a newspaper.]
Patrick and Squidina: [gasp] King Neptune!
Patrick: I can't go with a god watching.
King Neptune: [pulls on his mustache] Time to make a deposit at the royal treasury. [chuckles] But first-- [points to himself in the mirror] oh, yeah! Who's the god with the bod? [spins around, flexing muscles] Yeah!
Squidina: Quick, [points up] let's go back and wait this out. [she and Patrick climb up their ropes]
King Neptune: [finger in mouth] Intruders! How dare you invade my private bathroom! It's private.
Patrick: Your bathroom? This is our secret bathroom! That's what the poem said.
King Neptune: Oh, yeah? Does your [pokes Patrick] mortal bathroom [holds up toilet paper with crown print] have my monogrammed toilet paper?
Patrick: Yes!
Squidina: [shakes head]
Patrick: No.
King Neptune: I'm so glad we could have this little chat. [hits Patrick and Squidina, making them fall into the toilet] Now get out! [pulls string to flush the toilet]
Patrick and Squidina: [yell as they spiral down the toilet]
King Neptune: [waving] Toodle-oo! [chuckles, rubs hands together] Now, then, it's showtime. [laughs] What the--
[The toilet water comes back as Patrick and Squidina emerge.]
Patrick: [waves] Hello again!
King Neptune: Oh, come on! Don't make me call the Pipes Templar. [stabs Patrick down the toilet with his trident]
Patrick: [yells]
Squidina: [as the toilet flushes again] Whoa!
King Neptune: Wait! Was that Patrick Star? I love that guy.
[Patrick and Squidina travel through the pipes and come out of a vent, falling down onto the floor on their heads. Patrick falls over.]
Squidina: [spits out water] So much for the legendary lost bathroom. I guess you could just go use Granny Tentacles' toilet.
Patrick: [rubs head] It's okay. I don't have to go anymore.
Squidina: You don't?
Patrick: Nope. False alarm.
Squidina: Well, how about we try the [holds up two fingers] two million prune challenge?
Patrick: [lightly clap] Great idea. [holds up pinky fingers] That's the kind of sophistimicated entertainment our viewers love.
Squidina: [holds up pinky fingers] You said it, Patrick. [both walk away]
[Zoom into Patrick's body to reveal a bathroom within his heart.]
Slappy: [entering bathroom with a newspaper] So you see, loyal viewers, the lost bathroom was inside [touches Patrick painting on bathroom wall] Patrick's heart all along. [gets in toilet] Good night, everybody. [flushes himself down the toilet as the camera irises out]