Lost in Couch/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Lost in Couch/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a shot of the Earth near the sun, sweating. It pans over to show a spaceship, with a shark space captain floating outside.]
Narrator: Welcome back, astro-viewers, to the S.S. Super Minnow--home to intrepid explorer Captain Doug Quasar! [pan through the ship] As the most advanced ship in the galaxy, the Minnow is packed to the gills with all manner of cutting-edge technology. [a toaster projects holographic toast, pan to show a Patrick-like robot] And also this robot.
Pat-Tron: [scratches self, burps]
[The phone rings.]
Pat-Tron: [answers] Yeah, who is it?
Quasar: Pat-Tron, it's Captain Doug Quasar! [tries to open door, which is locked] I'm locked out! I need you to open the ship's door!
Pat-Tron: I'm sorry Doug, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Quasar: What!? Of course you can! It's an order! I'm the captain!
Pat-Tron: Ha, I don't think so. The captain always has his keys with him. [shows keys hanging on a hook] And his keys are right here. Okay, gotta go! [hangs up phone and goes to ship's window] Hmm... Maybe the real captain's lost. I better go find him. [presses "GO" button]
Quasar: Open up, you junky old star-toaster!
[The ship rockets forward, the fire exhaust burning Quasar. It stops and he smacks against it.]
Quasar: [screams]
Pat-Tron: [looking out window] Uh, nope, no captain here.
[He launches forward, with Quasar being burned by the fire and hitting the ship again.]
Quasar: [screams, yelling, swimming to window] Door!
Pat-Tron: [looking around] Not here, either.
[The ship launches forward, with Quasar being burned by the fire and hitting the ship again. The process repeats a few times.]
Quasar: [screams] Oof!
Pat-Tron: Nope!-
Quasar: [yelling]
Pat-Tron: Uh-uh.
Quasar: Ow! Oof!
Pat-Tron: Not here. I'm helping.
[Zoom out to show Patrick watching TV.]
Patrick: [kindly] Aw, he is a good helper. [waves to audience] Oh, hey there! Today on "The Patrick Show," you'll be watching [rips open a box of Kelpo] me watch cartoons.
[Patrick pours milk in, and drops the cartoon. He grabs some cereal from the box and snatches it with his tongue. He eats his hand and it grows back. He continues eating the cereal.]
Narrator: And now, stay tuned for our six-hour marathon of... [logo appears] "Bowling for Clams!" [live-action footage of a man bowling is shown]
Patrick: Bowling? [bowling strike sound, Patrick swallows] Boring! I want cartoons!
[He grabs the remote and presses a button, but fumbles with it. A bowling strike sound plays as his box of cereal gets knocked over. Patrick fails to grab the remote and it slithers away between the couch cushions.]
Patrick: [worried noises, lifts cushion]
TV remote: [hisses, growls]
[The remote goes away before Patrick can grab it.]
Patrick: Wow. [drops cushion] The remote seems grumpier than usual. [pats cushion] I guess it's gone forever.
[Squidina is standing in the room with a camera.]
Squidina: You could go looking for the remote. You know, find it, bring it back... [hyping him up] Fetch it! [Patrick pants and runs around like a dog] Fetch it, boy! You can do it! Go on, go get that remote!
Patrick: Okay, I'll do it!
[Squidina throws a dog bone and Patrick swallows it. TV remote transition to a gallery of paintings of supernatural creatures. Patrick is dressed like Rod Serling.]
Patrick: Hi, I'm Patrick Star. And we're gonna be searching for the "Remoto Dragon," [pan to painting of a TV remote] more commonly known as the TV remote. On today's [logo appears] "Lookin' Around For..."
[The logo slides away. Squidina is fastening a rope to Patrick.]
Squidina: [grunts]
[Squidina picks up Ouchie, who is playing cards and has a camera on him. She puts him on Patrick's head.]
Squidina: Okay, camera one is good to go.
Patrick: Ow!
Ouchie: [gurgles]
Squidina: Happy hunting. And remember, don't come home empty-handed. Your entire "Patrick Show" audience is watching!
Patrick: Huh? Ooh...
[Patrick and Squidina look out to see Slappy at the window.]
Slappy: Oh, don't mind me. I always enjoy a good failure. [chuckles]
Patrick: Huh. [jumps on the couch, gives a thumbs-up, and falls backwards into it] Whoo!
Squidina: Ooh. [grunts and grabs rope]
Patrick: [descends into sofa] Fascinating. These natural sofa formations must have been here for thousands of years. [sits on a cushion on a milk river] Or at least since Mom reupholstered the couch. Wow. This place is a gold mine. [takes comic book] Oh, I thought I lost this comic! [collects some coins] Cha-ching! Check out all the loose change. What!? [sees yo-yo] Oh, my gosh, my yo-yo! [giggles, picks it up an rubs it against his face] I missed you most of all, yo-yo. [eats it and pushes it out on his tongue, hits a rock and swallows it] Oh... Whoa! [yells, falls off milk waterfall and gasps] Must be the end of the river. [walks further] Maybe we can pick up his trail from here. [sees jungle-like formations] Ooh, ooh. Remoto Dragons love to hide deep in cushion jungles just like these.
TV remote: [jumps out of bushes, snarls, and growls]
Patrick: Wait, remote! Come back and let me catch you!
TV remote: [snarls]
Patrick: [panting, gets crushed by Bubble Bass's butt] Help, I'm being crushed by two of the biggest, roundest, heaviest things I've ever been crushed by!
[Pan up to show Bubble Bass on the couch, watching Mermaid Man.]
Bubble Bass: Joy! [rubs butt on couch] The 168-hour "Mermaid Man" marathon is about to begin! [squishes Patrick more] Time to get really, really, extra comfortable.
Ouchie: [growls, comes out from the cushion and pokes Bubble Bass in the butt]
Bubble Bass: [screams and jumps into the ceiling] Ouch...
Patrick: [squishes Ouchie and his camera] You did it, Ouchie, we're safe! [gets picked up by a sock-a-dactyl, yells] I was wrong. Tragedy can strike at any moment! Whoa!
[The rope is being pulled further into the couch.]
Squidina: Ah! [whimpers, grabs rope] Whoa! [grunts and gets pulled] Oof! [struggles, rope slips into the couch] Oh, shrimp! Patrick, I lost the rope! Are you okay? Are you still recording?
[Patrick is inside of a shoe.]
Patrick: Still here and still rolling, sis. I think some sort of sock-a-dactyl took me to its house. [live-action sock puppets appear]
Sock puppets: [screeches and chirping]
[The sock-a-dactly comes down with a sock in its mouth.]
Patrick: Ooh. [licks lips] Looks like it's lunch time. [pushes the sock puppets away and is the sock is spit into his mouth] Mmm, tastes like argyle.
Squidina: Ew. Wait. A sock-a-dactyl? Patrick, I don't think you're in the couch anymore! I think you've broken through to a dresser! Don't worry, big brother, I promise I'll find you!
Patrick: [resting with the socks, picking his teeth] Cool, you do you. I'm gonna keep looking for the remote. [yawns]
Sock puppet: [yawns and falls asleep]
[Squidina runs through the hallway. She opens a door and throws out small articles of clothing. She opens the bedroom door and clowns and small items come out.]
Squidina: [panting] He's got to be here somewhere!
Clowns: [squeaking]
Squidina: [runs and knocks over the clowns, kicks Cecil's door in] Huh? [door shatters]
[Cecil is washing and hanging up some mustaches, including his usual one, on a clothesline.]
Cecil: [humming] What's going on, sweetie?
Squidina: Patrick went in the couch after the remote, but now, [digs through Cecil's dresser] I lost him in a dresser!
Cecil: [chuckles] That's nice. Is Patrick your imaginary friend?
Squidina: What? No, he's your son!
Cecil: [gasps] My imaginary son is in trouble? Then I'm going in after him! [puts on mustache from the clothesline]
[He dives into the open drawer, but can't fit through. Squidina tries to push him in.]
Squidina: [grunts, struggles] This might take a moment. So we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. [struggles]
[The screen slides to two fish in a boat, looking at a live-action picture of Venice.]
Rube: Hi, I'm Rube Goldfish, owner of Bikini Bottom Gold Tours, and I wanna take you on a magical trip [background transitions to a house] through your own furniture.
Pink fish in boat: Ooh.
[Rube walks past two people relaxing on couches, and then a man getting a massage.]
Rube: Imagine eight luxurious days seeing your couch, your love seat, even your credenza, like you've never seen them before.
[The man getting massaged takes a photo. Rube appears next to a china cabinet.]
Rube: Why, you've never truly experienced Grandma's China hutch until you've spent the night there. [two fish inside take pictures, making Rube's pupils shrink] Ooh, looks cozy! [phone number "RBE-555-01GOLDFISH" appears on screen] Call the number to book your trip today. It'll be amazing!
[Patrick pops up from the china hutch with forks in him. Rube screams and faints.]
Patrick: Aw, there's no remote here, either.
[Ropes are all around the living room. Squidina pushes Bunny in.]
Bunny: Tally-ho!
[Squidina pushes Perch Perkins into the couch.]
Perch: [yelling]
[Squidina walks up to GrandPat.]
Squidina: Now, remember, if you find Patrick, give a shout and tug on the rope.
GrandPat: Oh-ho, no. I ain't going searchin' for a boob who can't find his way out of a chair. [raises finger] I have nappin' to do!
Squidina: He's your grandson! Besides, it's going to be on TV, which makes it important! [pushes GrandPat in]
GrandPat: [screams]
Patrick: [walks through drawer] Some Remoto Dragons have adapted to urban living, and can now be found in old junk drawers. Like this one. [inspects footprint with magnifying glass] Ooh, looks like a dragon print. [remote steps in it] Hey, I was lookin' at that!
TV remote: [snarls, is now larger]
Patrick: Wow, Remoto. You got big.
[The remote mauls Patrick and they fight. At one point, Patrick chews on his own arm. The remote taps him on the shoulder. He looks at his arm and fights the remote again. Ouchie records the fight. The remote smashes against a wall with Patrick on its back. He sees a low battery light.]
Patrick: Huh? The low battery light? No wonder you've been so cranky. [yells as the remote throws him down]
TV remote: [growls and snarls, leans over Patrick]
Patrick: [whimpers, then sees something] Batteries! [reaches for them] Oh, I hope they're double A.
[Patrick reaches for the batteries. The remote licks its fangs. Patrick grabs the batteries and sticks them into the remote's mouth as it roars. He knocks them into its mouth. The battery light fills up and the remote shrinks back down. It barks happily and licks Patrick like a puppy.]
Patrick: [giggles] Aww. Squidina, I did it! I got the remote. [looks shocked] But how do I get out of here?
Squidina: [struggles to hold rope] Don't worry, bro. I sent the whole town into the couch searching for you. We'll have you out in a jiffy! [struggles]
Larry: [looking through milk river] Yo, pink dude, ya in here?
Perch Perkins: [reporting from jungle] Breaking news, local stay-at-home son Patrick Star is missing in the couch. Film at 11.
Bunny: [next to Rube's china hutch, holding underwear] Where's my big boy? I brought you a change of underwear.
[Rube takes a picture of her, making her pupils bigger.]
Cecil: I did it! I found him! I found him!
[Squidina yanks the rope, pulling everyone together. She drops them and looks over the couch.]
Squidina: [giggles] Huh? Hmm?
Cecil: [holding Ouchie] My boy.
Squidina: That's not Patrick, [points] that's Ouchie.
Cecil: Are you sure? [looks at Ouchie's camera] He has my eyes.
Squidina: Do you know what this means? Patrick's lost! He's putting on the best show ever and we're not getting any of it! This is terrible!
Patrick: [off-screen] Maybe we should send someone in after him.
[Squidina looks around to see Patrick holding the remote.]
Squidina: Patrick, you're safe!
Patrick: Patrick, I'm safe!
Squidina: [hugs Patrick] Ooh!
Patrick: And now I can use the remote again!
Townsfolk: [weak cheering]
Cecil: My boy.
Slappy: It all worked out. How disappointing.
[TV remote transition to Squidina, Patrick, and Ouchie all on the couch, watching TV and eating cereal.]
GrandPat: Hello? Hm? Can anyone hear me? I'm still in here! [banging, imprint appears in walls] What's going on?
Patrick: See? This is why you need a remote. [presses button]
GrandPat: Hey! [appears on the bowling show] What's this, bowling? I love bowling! I'll show you amateurs how we used to knock 'em down before the war! Gimme that ball! [pushes a ball down a lane, then jumps in it] Yay-hey! Whoo-hoo! [strike sound]
Squidina: Go, GrandPat!
Patrick: I love bowling!
Squidina: Yay!