Neptune's Ball/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Neptune's Ball/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a shot of some red curtains. They part to show Patrick dancing in a suit and top hat, holding a cane. Fart noises are heard. A wider shot shows he has whoopie cushions on his feet.]
Patrick: Ooh! Ah, oh, ooh! [vocalizing]
Audience: [cheering]
Lady Upturn: [stands up] I am offended!
Patrick: Huh? But Lady Upturn, wait! I can do a lot worse. [jumps outside, reveals a pump on his head, and inflates his butt] Huh? [jumps] Wha! [crashes]
[A giant explosion happens, shown with live-action footage of a bomb explosion.]
Squidina: [looks out of the TV set, gasps]
[Patrick's shadow is seen falling from the sky.]
Squidina: [gasps] Patrick! [takes out a pillow and holds it above her, runs around] I got you, Patrick! [pants]
Patrick: [leans out of TV set] Hey, sis, what you doing?
[Squidina looks up, screams, and shields herself with the pillow. Slappy lands on her.]
Slappy: [grunts] That was dynamite!
[Slappy brushes off his suit and walks away, humming. Squidina is flattened into the ground.]
Patrick: Oh! Uh-uh! [reinflates Squidina with the air pump]
Squidina: [yelps, groans]
Patrick: Aw, they all left. [drags his head against the sand] What a drag. [drags Lady Upturn's purse] Huh? [lifts his head and it hits his face] Hmm. [dumps out jewels and gold] Hmm. [a letter falls out] What's this? [picks it up, it says "U" on the back] Ooh-hoo! A letter.
Squidina: Who's it for?
[Patrick hangs the bag over his head, takes Squidina's glasses and puts them on, then reads the envelope.]
Patrick: It says... "U."
Squidina: Oh! That means it's for you!
Patrick: [eyes turn into stars] For me!? [tears envelope open and extends his eyes] "Dear esteemed guest, you and your family are hereby invited to King Neptune's ball. Tonight!"
Patrick and Squidina: [giggle, high-step away] We're going to a ball. We're going to a ball.
[Upturn falls out of the sky and onto her purse.]
Upturn: Aah! I am... [grunts] wounded.
[Upturn's invitation transitions to Patrick and the family standing outside the time closet.]
Patrick: Okay, family, if we're goin' to a fancy party, we're gonna need some [points to his clothes] fancy duds.
Bunny: Oh, are we going shopping?
Patrick: Yeah. Shopping through time, -ime, -ime!
[He spins the wheel on the time closet and it lands on a French flag.]
Patrick: Old Frenchies were fancy.
[He reaches into the portal and his hand comes out of a clock in a French king's dressing room. He steals some of the clothes.]
King: [humming] Sacre bleu! [yells]
[Patrick pulls him out into the present day. He shakes the robe, making the king fall out in just his underwear.]
King: Don't look at ze king! [runs back in]
Patrick: [giggles, wears a French outfit] Now for the hairpiece de resistance. [reaches in and grabs a wig, then puts it on] Voila.
Bunny: Wow! You look like a mobile noble, honey! [waves arms] Now, my turn!
[Bunny spins the time closet wheel and it lands on Egypt. She comes out wearing an Egyptian dress.]
Bunny: [chuckles] I've got Nile style! [giggles]
[Cecil spins the wheel and it lands on a guitar. He comes out wearing a rock star outfit.]
Cecil: [chuckles] Rock royalty!
[Squidina spins the wheel and it lands on a castle. She comes out wearing a fancy dress, hairpeace, and crown.]
Squidina: I'm a pre-teen queen! [she and Patrick bow to each other]
GrandPat: [spins wheel] I'm on a roll!
[The wheel lands on a soldier helmet. GrandPat comes out in a German kaiser outfit.]
GrandPat: A kaiser roll! [takes out sword] Ha! [laughs]
Patrick: Now we're fancy Stars!
Star family: Yeah!
[Cut to the sky outside. It pans down to show the exterior of Neptune's palace. A servant stands outside.]
Servant: Aah! What the-- [dashes away]
[The Star family car crashes into one statue of Neptune and are sent into the other. The top half comes off and crushes the front of the car, sending the Stars launched out through the hood.]
Star family: [screaming, thud]
[Pan to a bouncer talking down to someone.]
Bouncer: I won't say it again. No invitation, no entry.
[Cut to show Upturn talking to him.]
Upturn: But I was invited! The invitation was [shows purse] stolen from my person.
Bouncer: [sticks out hand] Next.
Upturn: I'll have you know, I am very...
[The Stars run in and knock Upturn into the air.]
Upturn: [screaming]
[Patrick holds up his invitation.]
Bouncer: [steps aside and gestures at the entrance] Right this way. [the Stars enter]
Bunny: VIP treatment!
GrandPat: Yeah! We're vips!
Bouncer: [stops Squidina] Halt.
[Squidina gets knocked over, then stands up, adjusts her glasses and crown. She is walking Tinkle on a leash.]
Bouncer: No pets allowed.
Squidina: [unties Tinkle] Oh, sorry.
Tinkle: [growls, runs away, passes Upturn and starts sniffing a worm's behind]
Upturn: [looks at the bouncer and huffs]
[Pan through the interior of Neptune's ball.]
Guest #1: [chuckles] Oh, you did not. Oh, you did not. [chuckles]
Guest #2: Yes, I did.
Bunny: All right, Stars, this is a very classy event. And remember, [holds out pinky] act sophisticated.
Patrick: [jumps] Foooood! [zooms off]
GrandPat: Every Star for himself!
[GrandPat, Squidina, and Cecil run away, giggling. Bunny pauses.]
Bunny: [shrugs] Eh. [runs away] Whoo-hoo!
[Patrick runs to the buffet table, shoving other guests out of the way.]
Guests: [shouting]
[Patrick sticks his tongue out and is about to eat off the table.]
Fancy fish: Ahem.
Patrick: [blinks and puts his tongue back in]
[The fancy fish takes out tongs, clinks them, and puts a donut on his plate. Patrick blinks at the camera, holds his pinky out, then rips his mouth off his face.]
Patrick's mouth: Ahem!
[Patrick takes out the tongs and piles various foods onto his mouth. He holds his pinky out and his mouth swallows the foods whole.]
Patrick's mouth: [burps]
[Cut to Bunny being approached by two older women with fur pelts around them.]
Older woman #1: Goodness, I simply adore your outfit.
Older woman #2: Are you descended from Egyptian royalty?
Bunny: No. [laughs]
[Her snake headdress hisses and looks at the first woman's fur pelt.]
Older woman #1: It's so lovely to meet a real queen.
Older women: [chuckling]
[The headdress swallows the woman's pelt whole. It spits out the skeleton back around her neck.]
Bunny: [patting headdress] Oh, my, aren't you a hungry headdress?
Older women: Aah! [run away]
[Fancy guests are talking. Neptune's DJ takes out a record. Squidina steps over to him.]
Squidina: Hot dang! [touches speaker] Quite the sound system!
DJ: [bored] Uh-huh.
Squidina: Speaking as one audiophile to another, you could really improve the sound [the DJ scoffs] with just a couple of adjustments.
DJ: Uh-huh. Look, kid, I'm busy.
[He slowly turns up the volume. Squidina pops up behind him and makes a noise, startling him and making him turn the volume up. The resulting sound is so loud that it blows off the skin of everyone in the room, making them splat against the wall.]
Skin: Nice woofers!
DJ: [quietly] Sorry...
Squidina: If you balance it more [tries to press a button and the DJ stops her] like this, you can achieve a fuller sound without as much vol--
DJ: [picks her up, frustrated] I said I'm busy!
Squidina: [takes out record] How 'bout a request from a listener?
[She puts the record down and it plays the Patrick Show's opening credits theme. She takes the DJ's head, slams it into the turntable, and runs away.]
DJ: [trying to stop it] Hey, what'd you do to the stop button?
[Squidina's dress gets caught on the screw of the turntable. She runs away and drags the soundsystem with her.]
Squidina: Aah!
DJ: Whoa! [holds out fist] Come back here with my turntables! Stop!
[Cut to the garden of the palace. An anchovy couple walk past.]
Male anchovy: I do so love attending parties I was invited to.
[Lady Upturn looks out of some bushes.]
Upturn: [scoffs] I was invited too. Must find a way in. [Tinkle approaches her] Hmm?
Tinkle: [sniffs Upturn, licks her]
Upturn: They didn't let you in either, hmm? [snaps fingers] That's it! I think I know how we can both get into that party.
Tinkle: [nods and pants]
Upturn: And all it'll take is a little bit of gold... [takes out a can of gold paint and a paintbrush] paint, that is.
[The paintbrush transitions to GrandPat opening a door.]
GrandPat: Aah! Ooh.
[There are weapons and mounted animal heads on the walls. Old men are seated around a fireplace in the center of the room.]
Old Man Walker: I took down that creature with naught but a bowie knife [shakes fists] and these two fins.
Blue old man: Well, I took down [points] that creature with a toothpick [points to dentures] and my dentures.
Yellow old man: [walks up to a mounted head resembling a wolf with a horn, with a cannonball embedded in it] As I recall, you had a cannon. [cannonball falls off and thuds]
GrandPat: Oh, my favorite. The sound of old geezers wheezin'.
Blue old man: [talking into another old man's ear trumpet] Oh, how I've missed the thrill of the hunt. [drinks glass]
Dark yellow orange man: What?
GrandPat: [grabs men, the blue one spits out his drink and dentures] How'd you like to relive those glory days? I can help with that.
Old men: Okay. / Wonderful. / [agreeing]
GrandPat: Let the hunt commence! [takes a trumpet out of his beard and blows it]
[The mounted moose head looks around. The animals come out of their frames. GrandPat rides a creature resembling a kangaroo.]
GrandPat: What are you waitin' for? Tally ho!
[The animals run past, including a flopping fish. One old man, who has not talked during the scene, remains motionless in his seat. Cut to Cecil playing air guitar and standing with one foot on a couch.]
Cecil: [miming guitar noises]
Lady on couch: Groo-vay.
Bunny: [appears behind couch] All right, handsome, enough rock and roll. We are going to a piano recital.
[She drags Cecil into a piano room. She drops him and looks for seats.]
Bunny: Golly. This place is packed. [Cecil gets up] Ooh, how 'bout there?
[A spotlight shines on two seats in the front row.]
Cecil: Great eye, honey!
[They get into their seats.]
Bunny: Ooh!
Cecil: Now for [takes out a bag of Kelp Chips] dinner [zooms out to show piano] and a show.
[Cecil starts eating his chips. After he bites into one, half of it flies away and lands between the piano's strings.]
Bunny: You'd better go get it.
Cecil: [gets on stage, chuckles nervously and reaches into piano] I got it! [the stick propping the lid up falls] Huh? [piano lid falls on him] Ow!
[The crowd applauds. A pianist sits at the piano and prepares to play. When he presses down, he hears Cecil screaming.]
Pianist: [nervously] Oh-- [sputtering].
[He presses another key and Cecil screams again. He continues playing. Cecil is hit by the keys inside the piano and keeps yelling.]
Bunny: Oh, my.
Brown anchovy: It's horrid.
Blue anchoy: Oh, no, no, no. It's avant-garde.
[Back outside the palace, Tinkle, now covered in gold paint, approaches the bouncer. Upturn is hiding inside.]
Upturn: [lifts lid] Golden toilet delivery. [closes it]
Bouncer: [lets Tinkle in] Right this way, please. [Tinkle zooms in] How many gold toilets does one king need?
[The pianist keeps playing with a nervous expression as Cecil continues screaming. Squidina runs in with the soundsystem still attached to her dress.]
DJ: [chasing her] Get back here!
[She is followed by the DJ, Patrick with a plate of food, a waiter, Old Man Walker, the other old men, then GrandPat and the animals.]
GrandPat: Get back here!
Bunny: Huh?
[The pianist turns to look. Cecil slightly peeks out through the piano. Tinkle goes in, and Upturn comes out of him.]
Upturn: Apprehend those starfish at once! They're not rich! They're imposters!
[Patrick still has his mouth on a plate, GrandPat is riding an animal, Squidina's dress is still stuck, Cecil is in the piano, and Bunny is sitting on a chair.]
Patrick's mouth: Uh-oh pistachio!
[Tinkle, still covered in gold, transitions to the Stars being escorted out by the bouncers.
Patrick: Hey, hey! Don't ruffle the ruffles!
[Suddenly, the lights go dark. The Stars look behind them.]
Star family: Huh?
[Trumpets play. A clamshell descends, and King Neptune is inside.]
Neptune: [putting lipstick on] Mm. [notices, then throws the stick away] Who's pooping on my potty?
Upturn: Oh, your highness, these commoners snuck into your ball, and I apprehended them.
Neptune: Commoners? Blech!
Patrick: Uh, sorry, Mr. King Neptune, sir. I thought the invitation as for you, I mean, me. I-I-I mean for you.
Neptune: [gasps] That's Patrick Star! [throws Upturn away] Oh, man, I love your show. The whoopie cushions, genius! [angrily] Guards, unhand them at once. [the guards do, excited] DJ, play my jam!
DJ: You got it, boss! [Squidina comes in with a record] Huh? [she puts it on] Ha ha!
Squidina: [giggles, high fives him]
[Air horns blare. Everyone dances.]
Patrick: Let's take this party to some place worse!
[Everyone cheers.]
Neptune: [takes out trident] Okay!
[He slams it on the ground, transporting everyone in a flash except Upturn. She runs away from the trident as it transitions past the screen. Everyone poofs outside the Star house and cheers. The pianist is playing normally as Patrick, Bunny, GrandPat, and Squidina dance. Cecil bounces around in the piano and pretends to play air guitar. The pianist smiles and slams his head against the keys. Patrick's audience from the beginning of the episode are cheering, but get annoyed by Neptune, who is wearing a Patrick T-shirt.]
Neptune: [cheering, hits whoopie cushion] I am your biggest fan! [laughs]
[Pan to the Upturn confronting the bouncer at the entrance.]
Upturn: What do you mean I'm not on the list? I know Patrick Star.
Bouncer: [reading slip of paper] Not on the list, not gettin' in.
[Tinkle, still covered in gold, approaches Upturn.]
Bouncer: Oh, Master Tinkle.
Tinkle: [licks Upturn]
Upturn: [grabs Tinkle] I am with the commode.
Bouncer: Oh, of course. My apologies. [releases rope] Go right ahead.
Upturn: [as Tinkle lifts her onto his seat and brings her inside] Whoa! [chuckles] Now, this is a ball! Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
[Red curtains close over the screen.]