Nitwit Neighborhood News/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Nitwit Neighborhood News/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a shot of the Star house, then a zoom to Patrick in his studio. Patrick is eating a corncob, making typewriter sounds. He throws the cob away once he's done.]
Patrick: Good morning, [picks up papers] and welcome to "Star Inaction News." [bangs papers on desk] In today's household news-- [grunts]
[A TV screen showing Cecil stuck on the refrigerator as a firefighter on a ladder comes in and hits Patrick on the head.]
Patrick: Ooh? Dad is stuck on top of the refrigerator again.
Cecil: [whimpering, rocking back and forth]
Firefighter: Come on, Mr. Star. Jump!
Daddy Dartfish: [holding a trampoline with his family] Don't worry, Cecil! [drops trampoline] We'll catch you!
Cecil: Uh-uh! It's scawy!
[Cut back to Patrick, where the screen now reads "THEFT" with a cookie jar over it. He eats from a jar labeled Mom's Cookies.]
Patrick: A mysterious cookie jar theft has... [munches loudly, eats cookies] rocked the Star household!
[Patrick looks in the jar, shakes it out, and it's empty. He grabs the jar from the TV screen and swallows it whole. The screen changes to an image of an overflowing washing machine.]
Patrick: And a laundry pile-up causes a clean underwear shortage! [Ouchie drops down, the screen changes to "Star Inaction News"] Hmm? [sticks Ouchie on his head, who drills into him and buzzes] Ooh. We have incoming broken news!
[The text "Breaking News" slides past. Patrick ducks into it and it smashes against the side of the screen.]
Patrick: The upstairs bathtub drain is clogged! Already on the scene is [the screen changes to Patrick standing in the bathroom] our roving reporter, Patrick, [looks at papers] uh... Stair!
Squidina: [whispering] Star! Patrick Star!
Patrick: That's what I said! Snootrick Spar.
[Zoom in to the Patrick in the bathroom.]
Patrick: Thanks, Patrick. First responders are tackling the problem!
[Squidina holds a camera up to the bathtub drain, which is clogged with hair. The ceiling cracks and a rope comes in.]
Patrick: Whoa...
[Bunny falls from the rope, wearing a white hazmat suit.]
Bunny: [takes out pliers] This looks like a hairy situation. [pulls the hair out, revealing GrandPat being grabbed by the beard]
GrandPat: Ow! [grunts]
Patrick: Oh, it would appear the clog is just an old coot.
GrandPat: I got lost on the way to the race track! [grunts, pulls seahorse out of drain and switches into racing outfit] Out of my way, looky-loos! The derby's about to begin! [hops on seahorse] Hyah!
Seahorse: [neighs, rides away]
[Cut back to Patrick at the news desk. The screen shows Cecil.]
Patrick: And now, we go live to the fourth race of the Coffee Pot derby! Take it away, Cecil.
Cecil: [grabs microwave] Thanks, son! The seahorses are at the starting gate. [narrates race] And they're off! Friendly Barnacle has a fast start, but now, Coral Face Fanny takes the lead. [Squidina, galloping with Patrick on her back, runs past] But what's this? Coming up on the outside rail are Big Boy and the Little Wonder!
Patrick: [holding boom mic] How does it feel to be distracted from the race? [hits seahorse with mic]
GrandPat: Scram, you scandal monger! [gets hit by mic]
Cecil: [narrating race] They're coming down the hallway, past the credenza. GrandPat takes the lead into the basement, around the boiler, and into the kitchen!
Squidina: [panting] Ow, [legs twist up] cramp!
Patrick and Squidina: [grunt]
[The seahorses ride over Patrick, covering him in horseshoe marks.]
Bunny: [pushes Patrick and Squidina way with a broom] What did I say about playing reporter inside of this house? [pushes them outside] Go outside and report in the street! It's safer.
Squidina: [groans] Now we have to find new news!
Patrick: Well, Squidina, if you want to find a good scoop, you have to [takes out a jackhammer] dig deep! [digs a hole]
Squidina: Whoo-hoo! [jumps into the hole]
[Cut to Granny Tentacles' house, where she is outside tending to her flower beds. Patrick's jackhammer destroys one. He and Squidina peek out. Granny Tentacles snips off a flower.]
Granny Tentacles: Bam!
Patrick: And now, it's time for Geezer Gardening Tips!
Granny Tentacles: Huh? [Patrick sticks his mic in her nose] Ow!
Patrick: What you got growing, Granny?
Granny Tentacles: Oh! [removes mic, growls, shakes face] I've nurtured these beautiful flowers from bulb to blossom, [throws flowers away] but I'm ripping 'em out and replacing them with [takes out a plant with a mouth] pest-resistant plants... [cackles, waters it and it grows] that keep out pesky reporters.
Plant: [eats Patrick]
Squidina: Oh!
Granny Tentacles: [giggles] Now that's how you get rid of pests! [cackles]
Patrick: Oh! [gets spit out by plant, with his pants eaten] Huh?
Squidina: Ew!
Plant: [eats Patrick's pants, cackles]
Patrick: [grunts, rolls down hill] "Inaction News"!
Squidina: [rolls down hill] Rolling your way!
[They roll down to the street and crash into SpongeBob from behind.]
Patrick: Pardon me, sir. What are your views of the shorts shortage?
SpongeBob: Oh, I wish I could talk, Patrick, but I'm waiting for my [jumps] first-ever driving lesson! [giggles]
[Mrs. Puff drives up in a boatmobile.]
Mrs. Puff: Hello, SpongeBob. [opens door] Are you ready for your first lesson?
SpongeBob: Oh, yes, Mrs. Puff. I've memorized the [takes out giant handbook labeled "Driving"] entire handbook!
[The book falls on Patrick and Squidina. SpongeBob walks over Mrs. Puff and into the driver's seat.]
SpongeBob: From avoiding windshield wiper hypnosis to stifling a sneeze at a four-way stop.
Squidina: This is the perfect opportunity for a ride-along! [grabs a news outfit and puts it over Patrick]
Patrick: [hits Mrs. Puff with the mic as he goes into the back seat] Oopsie.
Squidina: [hits her with a camera and gets into the other back seat] Excuse me. Press.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, my, no. SpongeBob isn't licensed to carry passengers.
Patrick: No problem. He can use my license! [takes out dog tags that read "Patrick Star - If Found... Don't Call"]
Mrs. Puff: [to Patrick, annoyed] Would you please just go?
SpongeBob: You got it, Mrs. Puff! [drives off]
Patrick and Mrs. Puff: Whoa!
Mrs. Puff: [yelling]
SpongeBob: [giggles]
Patrick: [sticks mic in SpongeBob's nose] So what are your thoughts on the current state of the autoboative industry?
SpongeBob: I think I can best express myself through poetry. [stands up, motions] Ahem. Tires go round, engines go putt / Fall out of the boat, and you'll land on your-- [points to his behind]
Mrs. Puff: [shoves SpongeBob away] Butt out, Patrick! You're distracting my student. [puts SpongeBob back in the driver's seat]
Patrick: Mrs. Poofy! [sticks mic in her face] Do you think we'll see an exciting boat crash?
Mrs. Puff: I'm afraid we'll be in a boat crash!
Squidina: [leans forward with camera] Oh! I'll need a better angle for that. [jumps ahead]
Mrs. Puff: [gasps] Have you lost your mind?
Squidina: Don't worry. [motions to her cut seatbelt around her waist] I have my seat belt on. [donkey brays, she records SpongeBob]
Mrs. Puff: You're blocking the driver's view!
SpongeBob: It's okay. I can see around her. [extends eyes forward, which twist up] Youch! Eye cramp! [steers wildly]
SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidina, and Mrs. Puff: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Townsfolk: [run and scream]
[GrandPat and the racing seahorses come past.]
Cecil: [narrating] And the pack pushes past the Porous Peril into the straightaway!
[The boat goes down some hills and lands hard, sending Squidina bouncing into Mrs. Puff's face.]
Mrs. Puff: [moves her and screams as the boat is about to hit the Krusty Krab] Hit the brakes!
SpongeBob: If you say so. [pounds the brake with his fist]
[The boat slows down to an almost complete stop. It drives forward and slightly nudges the edge of the Krusty Krab sign.]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs in relief]
[The Krusty Krab sign sinks down and crushes the front of the boat.]
Mrs. Puff: [shakes in anger] That's it!
[She pushes Patrick and Squidina out of the boat.]
Patrick and Squidina: [grunt]
[Mrs. Puff gets into the driver's seat.]
SpongeBob: Whoa!
[Mrs. Puff backs up and drives away, with the hood of the boat still dented.]
SpongeBob: How'd I do, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: [sighs] Well, that was lesson number one. Next week, lesson number one.
[A masked criminal walks into the Krusty Krab. Patrick and Squidina see him and get up.]
Squidina: Hey!
Patrick: Ooh! [jumps up] That guy must be a celebrity! He covered his face with a ski mask so he won't be noticed by pepperoni!
Squidina: You mean paparazzi.
Patrick: Gesundheit! It's time for [logo appears] Creeping Up on Famous People! [camera flash noise]
Tony Tuna: [goes up to baby in a stroller] Mind if I borrow this?
Baby: [babbling]
[Mr. Krabs is counting his money at the register.]
Mr. Krabs: [mumbles excitedly, Tony sticks the baby in his face] Huh?
Tony: This is a stick-up! Don't do nothin' stupid! This diaper is stinky! [foghorn sound]
Mr. Krabs: [gasps, cowers and pinches nose] Don't aim that thing at me!
Patrick: Boop! [sticks mic in Tony's nose] Patrick Star with "Inaction News"! The public wants to know the man behind the baby.
Tony: Whoa, no one's ever asked me about me before. My name is Tony Tuna. I'm a Capricorn. And I like taking candy from babies.
Baby: [babbles, holds out lollipop] Candy?
Tony: Thank you. [takes it and sucks on it]
Patrick: How exciting! Can we talk about your love life? [flutters eyelashes] Are you seeing anybody?
Tony: I see my parole officer every week.
Mr. Krabs: [impatient] Can we just move this robbery along? I got a business to run!
Tony: [gives baby to Patrick] Uh, hold this a minute. [hums, takes money out of register] Thank you. [puts it in sack] There. [chuckles]
Patrick: Just a sec. [to Mr. Krabs] One Krabby Patty to go, please.
Tony: This one's on me. [throws out stolen money]
Mr. Krabs: Ooh! [hands Patrick a bag]
Patrick: Mmm!
[Tony, Squidina, and Patrick leave the restaurant. Patrick is still holding the baby.]
Mr. Krabs: Thank you! Come again!
Tony: [laughs]
Baby: [burps out pacifier]
Patrick: Oh.
Baby: [babbles]
[Patrick extends his hand and puts the baby back in its carriage. He eats the Krabby Patty and then the paper bag.]
Tony: Hey, you'd make a great flunky.
Patrick: Huh, you're telling me! [raises chest] I've flunked everything. [chest droops down]
Tony: [whistles]
[A taxi drives up. Tony grabs the driver and throws him out. He picks up his money and drives the cab. Patrick and Squidina get into the back seat.]
Cab driver: Don't forget to start the meter!
[The police follow Tony's taxi. Squidina aims the camera at them.]
Squidina: Wow! A police escort? You must be super famous!
Tony: Well, I have been getting a lot of exposure lately. [they drive past wanted signs and posters of him] I gotta ditch these cops!
Patrick: I get ya! [jumps into front seat to drive] You want some privacy! [veers off]
Tony: Whoa! [the cops follow him]
Patrick: I know just the place!
[Patrick, Tony, and Squidina wait in the taxi in a place with completely dark blue walls. The cops drive past. The taxi comes out of a mailbox. Tony drives to an old shack.]
Tony: [enters] Welcome to my secret hideout.
Patrick: We're coming to you live as we snoop around a celebrity's crib!
Squidina: Whoa! [looks around, sees a hostage tied up, who waves] Ooh! Tres shabby chic.
[Aggressive knocks are heard at the door.]
Tony: [dives behind boxes] Take cover! [looks out] It's gotta be the cops!
Patrick: "Inaction News" update! Star reporter answers a door!
[He is about to open the door when Perch slams it on him. Harvey follows him inside.]
Perch: Perch Perkins here with a "Bikini Bottom News" exclusive. Your intrepid reporter has tracked the infamous Tony Tuna to his clandestine hideout.
[Patrick burns up in anger, melting the door with his silhouette left over. He runs in front of Perch.]
Patrick: Hey!
Perch: Huh?
Patrick: [gets on box and holds out mic] This is my celebrity interview!
Perch: [holds out mic] This isn't some frivolous celebrity puff piece! [steps up and points at Patrick] It's a hard-hitting crime report!
Patrick: [clashes with his microphone] Celebrity news!
Perch: [clashes with his microphone] Crime report!
Patrick: [clashes with his microphone] Celebrity news!
Perch: [clashes with his microphone] Crime report!
Tony: [looks from behind boxes] Huh?
Squidina: [jumps behind Harvey] Ha-ha! En guard, [extends camera lens] scoop stealer!
Harvey: [extends camera lens] Have at thee, gossip varlet!
[They fight with their cameras. Tony is still looking out from behind the boxes.]
Tony: I gotta get outta here before...
[Police cars drive up to the hideout. Sirens blare. Some cops step outside.]
Tony: ...Johnny Law shows up.
Mustached cop: Okay, guys. hold hands.
Cops: [hold hands, growl]
Green cop: Come on out! We have you surrounded!
[The cops are holding hands in a ring around the hideout.]
Tony: [looking through window] Oh, no! Not the dreaded daisy chain! [to camera] Huh, if I only had some stupid saps to take the fall for me.
[He sees Perch, Harvey, Squidina, and Patrick behind him.]
Tony: Huh? Oh. [clasps hands together, evil laughter, takes off his mask and puts it on Perch] Sappy to meet you!
Perch: Oh!
Tony: [grunts] Sappy birthday! [puts dark blue mask on Harvey]
Harvey: Huh? Ah!
Tony: [puts light blue mask on Squidina] Have a nice sap!
Squidina: Whuh!
Tony: Mind the sap! [puts orange mask on Patrick]
Patrick: [giggles]
[Tony pushes the four outside.]
Perch: Hey! Don't push the press!
Squidina: Huh?
[They fall on each other and land outside.]
Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
Purple cop: You're all under arrest!
Perch: Hey, I'm no crook! [takes off mask] I'm a reporter!
Patrick: This just in, Perch Perkins arrested! [with serious look] Film at 11.
Green cop: We've had complaints of reporters harassing citizens! [pushes the four] We're taking everyone in for questioning!
Patrick: You're interviewing me? All right! I'm gonna be on the news!
[Perch, Patrick, Squidina, and Harvey get pushed into the back of a police car.]
Green cop: [grunts, throws extendable pathway back into car]
Patrick: What's your favorite donut flavor? Glazed or sprinkles?
Green cop: [shuts the doors]
[Patrick's arm is still sticking out with the mic. The car drives away. Tony, with an orange mask, walks in with his own mic.]
Tony: And that wraps up the crime report. [whinnying] Huh? What's this?
[GrandPat and the seahorses race past, to a race track.]
GrandPat: [grunts] Ha! Whoo!
Tony: [narrating] GrandPat coming around the turn, gill and gill with Coral Face Fanny! And GrandPat [camera flash, screenshot shows GrandPat holding out a nose to pass the finish line first] wins by a nose!