One Krabs Trash/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "One Krabs Trash" from season 3, which aired on February 22, 2002.

[Mr. Krabs places a sign that reads "Fine Antiques For Sale" is put in his front yard. He then assembles a rug for the "antiques" to be put in.]
French Narrator: Ah, a yard sale. You know the old saying: "One man's trash is another man's treasure."
Mr. Krabs: [digs in the trash and pulls out a broken razor] Disposable? Phooey. [puts it back, grabs the trash can and dumps all the items in it on his rug as the "antiques"]
French Narrator: For Mr. Krabs, all trash is treasure. [Mr. Krabs takes another trash can and dumps it on the rug. He smells the foul odor, then uses a fresh scent odor spray can and sprays it on the pile of trash to make it cleaner, then adds the can to the pile]
Mr. Krabs: Open for business. [a fish walks up] See anything you like?
Fish #1: [picks up an umbrella] Yeah, I'll give you a buck fifty for this umbrella.
Mr. Krabs: A buck fifty for that? But it's an antique! It belonged to a queen. Ten bucks.
Fish #1: Ten bucks? [opens up the umbrella] But it's full of holes!
Mr. Krabs: It was the queen of Switzerland.
Fish #1: A queen you say? That's-- Wait a second! They don't have a queen!
Mr. Krabs: Okay, Mr. Bargain Hunter, five bucks.
Fish #1: [hands money to Mr. Krabs] Deal! [runs off]
Mr. Krabs: [smells the money] Ah, the sweet smell of an all-day sucker. [slurping in background]
SpongeBob: They taste even better. [he and Patrick are licking lollipops] Hi, Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: Whatcha you doing? [they continue licking their candy]
Mr. Krabs: I'm having an antique sale. Have a look around.
SpongeBob: [grabs a plunger] Hey, Patrick, look at this thing. Pretty cool, huh?
Patrick: That looks like the toilet plunger I threw out yesterday.
Mr. Krabs: [snatches the plunger from SpongeBob] That ain't no toilet plunger! This here's an antique! It's, um... uh... [turns the rubber part of the plunger upside-down] ...a 17th-century soup ladle, see?
Patrick: Man, was I using mine wrong. How much?
Mr. Krabs: Five bucks.
Patrick: [drops his lollipop and gets out his money] I only got seven.
Mr. Krabs: [grabs the money] Deal!
Patrick: Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper. [picks up his lollipop, now stuck to a pair of underwear, and continues licking the candy side]
SpongeBob: Wow! Look at this neat-o soda drinking hat. [gasps] It must've belonged to someone who was number 1. There's only been a handful of number ones in the history of forever.
Mr. Krabs: That's right, SpongeBob, and you're one of 'em!
SpongeBob: Really?
Mr. Krabs: This hat says, "Hey, I'm number 1, and I let gravity do my drinking." This hat was made for you, boy. [puts it on SpongeBob] You were born to wear this hat.
SpongeBob: [giggling] Ee-hee, ooh...!
Mr. Krabs: A perfect fit, eh, son?
SpongeBob: [hugs him] Oh, thank you, Mr. Krabs! Thank you for bringing us together! [sighs. His eyes well up with joyful tears] How can I ever repay you?
Mr. Krabs: With 10 dollars.
SpongeBob: [reaches into his pocket and takes out some money] All I have is 5.
Mr. Krabs: Well, I guess it's no deal.
SpongeBob: I'll be right back! [zips home to get change out of the couch, in some spare clothes in his closet, and in his piggy bank then runs back to Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs, I found 68 cents. But maybe you can take the other $4.32 out of my paycheck! What do you say? [sweats nervously]
Mr. Krabs: Well-- I don't know... uh, okay! But only because you look so dashing in that hat.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs! [he and Patrick walk off, Patrick still licking his lollipop]
Mr. Krabs: Don't mention it, boys! [chuckles] What a couple of rubes.
Fish #2: [Approaches Mr. Krabs] Excuse me, sir, but are you the purveyor of this curio stand?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, I am.
Fish #2: I understand you're selling this rare novelty drink hat. [holds up a picture of the hat that SpongeBob just bought]
Mr. Krabs: Fresh out.
Fish #2: Let me explain. [takes out some money] I'm prepared to give you $500 for that drink hat.
Mr. Krabs: [drools] Fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-...
Fish #3: Not so fast. [walks up to Mr. Krabs, elbowing the other salesfish out of the way] I'll give you $1000 for such a hat.
[Mr. Krabs is stammering and drooling]
Nat: [runs up to Mr. Krabs] I'll give you $100,000, in cash, for said hat!
[Mr. Krabs is drooling up a river. Fred rows upward the drool river in a row boat.]
Fred: [in a row boat] Sir? I'll give you a million dollars for that hat! [row boat drifts down the drool river]
Mr. Krabs: [runs off to find the hat, leaving a trail of drool behind] SpongeBob!
[Cut to SpongeBob in his front yard, blowing bubbles with his new hat and giggling. Mr. Krabs hides behind a rock]
Mr. Krabs: There he is with me million dollar hat. I gotta get it back before he finds out how much it's worth.
SpongeBob: Ah! My bubble production has increased two-fold, thanks to you, Hatty. [gently pats the soda drink hat]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. K. How's the antique biz treating you?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, never mind that. Listen, I didn't want to say this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl.
SpongeBob: Am I a pretty girl?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, um... you're... you're beautiful. [mail fish looks at Mr. Krabs with his eyebrow raising] Uh... heh-heh. [SpongeBob laughs] All right, now give me the hat back.
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, you said it yourself... I was born to wear this hat. I don't want to give it back. I can't part with this hat now. Not after all that we've been through. [Thought bubble of earlier. SpongeBob gets the hat and sits down a few feet away from the curio stand] Thanks, Mr. Krabs! I'll call you Hatty. And that's when you showed up. [Thought bubble ends]
Mr. Krabs: Aw, forget it! [leaves, then comes back] And you're not beautiful, either. [leaves again]
SpongeBob: [close to tears] I'm not? [Cut to later where SpongeBob is still blowing bubbles and laughing when Mr. Krabs shows up with a bag of hats]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Just the man I wanted to see. Still playing with that dumb old hat, eh?
SpongeBob: Yep.
Mr. Krabs: Not sick of that boring old hat, yet?
SpongeBob: Nope.
Mr. Krabs: Not even a little tired of that old piece of junk?
SpongeBob: Uh-uh.
Mr. Krabs: Not even a teensy-tiny bit?
SpongeBob: Nope.
Mr. Krabs: Well, then I guess you don't want to see what's in my bag.
SpongeBob: What is it?
Mr. Krabs: Novelty hats. [takes out a hat with a fan on top of it] How about this air-condition one? [turns it on and blows air really hard in SpongeBob's face]
SpongeBob: Seems a little dangerous. [Mr. Krabs takes out a hat with a mixer on it]
Mr. Krabs: The juicer. [puts in a carrot and the juicer spits out carrot juice]
SpongeBob: Ooh... [Mr. Krabs takes out a hat with the words 'FOXY GRANDPA' on it]
Mr. Krabs: Foxy Grandpa! [SpongeBob laughs] So, what do you say? Your silly hat for all these hats?
SpongeBob: No deal, Mr. Krabs. I'm sticking with Hatty. Thanks for the offer, though. [leaves to go home]
Mr. Krabs: I thought the Foxy Grandpa would get him for sure. I didn't want to have to do this, but he leaves me no other option. [close-up on his mouth] I'm gonna have to scare it off of him.
[Cut to nighttime. SpongeBob is wearing the soda drink hat, blowing bubbles as he snores. Outside, Mr. Krabs runs up to his window with a fishing pole and a notepad. He draws a ghost on a page]
Mr. Krabs: Heh-heh-heh! This'll scare 'im.
[Mr. Krabs tears the page out of his notepad, attaches it to the pole's hook, and throws the line into SpongeBob's window. He gives off a "haunting" moan.]
SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh! A floating shopping list! [the paper is backwards, with the words "MILK EGGS CHEESE" written on the side Spongebob sees. He screams]
Mr. Krabs: I'm not a shopping list... [turns paper around to show the ghost] I'm a ghost!
SpongeBob: [screams]
Mr. Krabs: [laughs evilly] Now, listen, SpongeBob...
SpongeBob: How do you know my name?! Who are you?!
Mr. Krabs: I am the ghost of soda drink hats... [hangs down another piece of paper with a drawing of Spongebob's soda drinking hat] I'm here to tell you that that soda drinking hat you possess is cursed...
SpongeBob: Cursed?
Mr. Krabs: Yes... It once belonged to some guy who's dead now...
SpongeBob: What guy?
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Smitty something...
SpongeBob: Smitty what?
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Smitty Werben... Jägerman... Jensen.
SpongeBob: He must've been number one.
Mr. Krabs: Number one in Boogeyland! Now, listen, a curse will descend on you unless you return that hat to its owner immediately...
SpongeBob: Immediately?
Mr. Krabs: Immediately...
SpongeBob: To its owner?
Mr. Krabs: [losing patience] Yes...
SpongeBob: Right now?
Mr. Krabs: Yes! Yes! It must be returned to its owner, right now...
SpongeBob: [walks up behind Mr. Krabs, covered in dirt and holding a shovel] Hey, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Ahh! SpongeBob! What are you doing here?
SpongeBob: Oh, I was just returning the cursed soda-drink hat to its original owner: Smitty Werbenjägermanjensen.
Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob] What?! There is no Smitty Werben Jaegerman Jensen!
SpongeBob: Sure there is. He's buried out in Floater's Cemetery.
Mr. Krabs: How did? I just... You did... I would... [calms down, disappointed] Gimme that shovel. [takes the shovel and walks off to the cemetery, grumbling in frustration]
SpongeBob: It was his hat, Mr. Krabs! He was number 1!
[Cut to Floater's Cemetery where eerie moaning is heard. A clam on a tree branch hoots like an owl]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? [ducks as a bunch of clams fly over him. Then a black snail growls at him] Ahh! [The black snail slithers away] Hold yourself together, Krabs. It's just a boneyard... filled with bones. [the cemetery gate squeaks open] Ah! [hides behind a tombstone on a hill] What's that? It's Squidward. What's he doing here? [sees Squidward crying as he walks up to a tombstone, places flowers on it, then leaves. Mr. Krabs walks up to that tombstone and reads it] "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams." What a baby. Where was I? Oh yeah. Gotta find Smitty Whatsajipster. [looks at the names on the different tombstones] Nope. Nope. No. No. [scurries across the cemetery as he searches] No. Uh-uh. No. No. Uh-uh. No. Not there. [Cut to later] I've checked every headstone in this cemetery and there's no Smitty Wabbablabba buried here. Think, Krabs. Maybe something SpongeBob said will give you some kind of clue. [thought bubble of SpongeBob appears]
Thought Bubble SpongeBob: Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets. [thought bubble of SpongeBob disappears]
Mr. Krabs: No, not that! [second thought bubble of SpongeBob appears]
Thought Bubble SpongeBob: You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night! Go ahead, guess! [second thought bubble of SpongeBob disappears]
Mr. Krabs: [repeatedly] No, no, no, no, no! [third thought bubble of SpongeBob appears]
Thought Bubble SpongeBob: It was his hat, Mr. Krabs! He was number on-
Mr. Krabs: [punches the thought bubble away] Ah! Barnacles! I'll never find-- [sees Smitty's tombstone right in front of him, it showing his full name, Smitty Werben Man Jensen] The grave! [stops to think] Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! [digs and hits something] Jackpot! [opens up the coffin, revealing Smitty's skeleton wearing the soda drink hat] Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa! [takes the head off with the hat still on] Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! [takes his head off the hat] Rest in pieces, Smitty. [jumps out of the hole] I got the million-dollar hat.
[Lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave, holding his head in one hand]
Smitty: Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.
Mr. Krabs: What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.
Smitty: I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, right. You and what army?
[A skeleton zombie army surrounds Mr. Krabs, eerily moaning]
Smitty: Only the army of the living dead. [all the other dead bodies walk closer towards Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: [scared] Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards! Then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!
Smitty: That's disgusting! We just want the hat back.
Mr. Krabs: No flipping way! [takes the head of a swordfish and wields it as a sword] Back off! Back off, I say!
Smitty: Attack.
[The skeleton zombies ready to draw their weapons]
Mr. Krabs: Tallyho! [sword fights a few zombies] Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! [chops up more skeletons] You're falling apart, marrow brain! You must be kidding. [sword fights four zombies standing atop one another] Back to oblivion! [jumps over a group of zombies] Oh, ho! How's your sister? All right, boneheads. Playtime's over. Yee-hoo! Ha-ha! [twirls around and destroys more of the skeleton zombies. Cut to morning, Mr. Krabs finishes destroying all the skeleton zombies and runs out of the cemetery, the hat in his claws] Wa-ha! A million dollars... I've got a million dollars! [runs back to his curio stand where the salesfish are talking altogether at once] Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars.
[All of the four fish laugh to Mr. Krabs' confusion]
Fred: Yeah, you want that all at once?
Fish #3: One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!
Nat: Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. They're worthless! [a bunch of soda drinking hats are in the dumpster. The salesfish crack up laughing. SpongeBob walks by with a hat that has clapping hands on the top of it]
SpongeBob: Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand! [laughs]
Nat: Now that's worth a million dollars. [SpongeBob laughs again as he leaves. Nat runs after him and the other salesfish follow] Hey, kid, wait up!
Fish #2: I saw him first!
Fish #3: I'll give you one billion dollars!
[Fred rows his row-boat along the ground to follow SpongeBob]
Mr. Krabs: Well, that's a spirit breaker. [tosses the soda drinking hat away and breaks down sobbing]
Squidward: [walks by with flowers in hand] What a baby. [walks off and the episode ends]