Pat-a-thon/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Pat-a-thon/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens at the Star family home. The camera zooms in to the filming TV. The curtains open slightly to reveal snail eyes, which move around a little bit. The curtains then fully open to reveal Squidina in a snail costume.]
Squidina: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the first annual Pat-a-thon. We're raising money today for Snails Who Can't Dance. And here's your host, Patrick Star!
[A burping sound is heard in the background. Squidina then screams as she falls through a trap door. Patrick yells as he runs out of the curtains, crashes into the screen, and slides off it. Funky music is then heard, and Patrick is wearing a barbershop singer's outfit.]
Patrick: ♪They weren't born to boogie. It's a sad, sad tale. Never learned to dance like a happy...♪ Uh...
Squidina: Snail!
Patrick: Gesundheit! [Ouchie then applauds him and hands Patrick the microphone. Patrick rips his barbershop singer outfit off and gets the microphone.] Hey, folks! You wanna know how snails settle their differences? They "slug" it out!
[It then zooms out to see two snails and a boy playing. Patrick looks at Squidina, the latter out of her snail costume and attempting to open a can.]
Squidina: The canned laughter is stuck! [The canned laughter lets out a bad laugh, and then wheezes. Squidina throws the can out.] It's gone stale.
Patrick: [laughs, then goes to phone bank] Let's say hello to our Pat-a-thon phone bank! We collected some neighborhood randos to sit by and take your calls and pledges.
[It reveals the phone bank, which is a worm, Slappy Laszlo, a can of beans, and Squidward.]
Slappy: You can call me with your most intimate pledges.
Phone: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
[The can of beans then burps.]
Squidward: Excuse me, I don't want to do this. I'm just here for my paper route money. [phone rings] Hello? Is there a Boring here?! An I.M. Boring? Does anyone know I.M. Boring?!
Audience: (offscreen) Yeah! We know! (laughs)
Patrick: Ha. Today's goal is to raise a thousand hundred dollars to get every non-hoofing snail the dance lessons they need. Hey! Let's check the tote board to see how much money we've raise so far. [It shows that so far they've made a total of $0.] Such generosity. [He then blows his nose.] Let's check in with GrandPat in the backyard. He's gonna do a dangerous stunt to help us raise money. Take it away, Church Curtains!
Perch Perkins: Uh, that's Perch Perkins. And I'm here in the Star Family backyard where GrandPat will attempt a frightening and stupid set of daredevil stunts on what looks like an obstacle course built by a stark raving lunatic. [GrandPat then arrives wearing a daredevil's outfit with a helmet.] Oh, and here's our future casualty now. What are you doin' there, old-timer?
GrandPat: I'm making out my will. Nobody gets nothin'! [GrandPat then leaves.]
Perch Perkins: Ah-ha, the elderly. Back to the studio.
Patrick: Thanks, Lurch. Right now, I'd like to bring out one of the reasons why we're doing this telethon. Say hello to Gary-- a snail who can't dance-- and his owner, SpongeBob!
[SpongeBob walks in onstage, who has Gary with him.]
SpongeBob: Thank you, Mister Star.
Patrick: Now tell us your pathetic story just like we rehearsed.
SpongeBob: Yes, well, you see, I've tried every dance there is with Gary. [screen clock-wipes to a different scene where SpongeBob is in a fancy outfit with a top hat, and has a cane.] We tried tap.
[It shows SpongeBob tapping, but Gary isn't doing the same.]
Gary: Meow.... [the scene cuts to SpongeBob wearing a mantu.]
SpongeBob: We tried ballet.
[It shows SpongeBob dancing ballet, but Gary isn't doing the same, Gary groans, then we cut to SpongeBob in a punk outfit]
SpongeBob: We even tried slam dancing.
[SpongeBob is imitating a guitar noise, runs into a wall, which breaks, and SpongeBob falls dazed, but Gary doesn't do the same, he groans again. and then we go back to to set because SpongeBob finishes his story there.]
SpongeBob: [crying] But my poor snail just can't dance.
Bunny: Let's go! [Bunny then enters the room with a laundry basket.] Dirty laundry time!
Patrick: Mom! I'm doing a show!
Bunny: And I'm doing the laundry. Come on, off with your dirty shorts.
[Patrick then takes off his shorts and hands them to his mom, who puts them in her basket.]
Patrick: Hey, Mom, since you're here, why don't you do that thing with your tattoo?
Bunny: [giggles] All right.
[Bunny then drops the basket and shows her tattoo on her back. The tattoo dances for a while, and then it twirls into a showgirl's outfit. It dances off the screen to reveal 5 more showgirls who dance, and then the curtain comes down. We then zoom out to Dr. Plankenstein's lair, where he and Patgor are watching TV. The former turns off said TV.]
Patgor: Master, I'd like to pledge so the snails can dance.
Dr. Planktenstein: With what? You don't have anything because I don't pay you.
Patgor: Patgor has been saving things from the doctor's floor. [He then opens a box to reveal human head parts, and a finger is picking the nose.] Patgor was going to build a friend, but now wants snails to dance.
Dr. Planktenstein: Oh, you know I don't approve of things that aren't wicked. But perhaps making a snail dance is a new kind of evil. [yelling] Where's the phone?!
[The doorbell then rings. SpongeMonster then kicks the door away, and hands the telephone to his creator.]
Dr. Planktenstein: Sheesh, I haven't used this thing since I was hanging out with Dracula. Dead -- just like Dracula.
[An audience is then seen, and the only heard sound is crickets chirping. Lightning strikes as Dr. Planktenstein laughs evilly. SpongeMonster is on a wooden board, and the telephone is connected to him.]
Dr. Planktenstein: Release the Whirly Brains!
[Patgor then laughs as he releases the Whirly Brains. The propellers are struck by the lightning, then the lightning reaches SpongeMonster. Patgor then comes down.]
Dr. Planktenstein: Ring, ring! Give my phone life!
[Dr. Plankenstein cackles as the phone (and SpongeMonster) both ring. Dr. Planktenstein then answers the phone.]
Announcer: I've got an incredible offer on an exclusive time share in the Black Lagoon if you act now!
Dr. Planktenstein: [groans] Now I remember why I disabled the phone.
[He then evilly laughs as he pulls out a chainsaw. Dr. Planktenstein starts chasing Patgor and SpongeMonster as the master cuts everything in half, including SpongeMonster. Dr. Planktenstein even cuts the screen in half, while he continues chasing SpongeMonster. We then go back to the Pat-a-thon as Patrick finishes calling someone.]
Patrick: Great! [hangs up] Hey everybody, I just bought a time share in the Black Lagoon!
[Ouchie claps for his owner. Suddenly, the door goes flying as Sandy wheels in an invention.]
Sandy: Hold everything! Stop the music! You don't need to raise money.
Patrick: [confused] Is that a toaster?
Sandy: T'ain't a toaster! I call it the Automatic Snail Hoofer. Just hook your gastropod up to this baby and they'll be boogieing at the barn in seconds. [SpongeBob then walks in, and Sandy takes Gary.] Allow me to demonstrate. [She then puts some cables on Gary.] Y'see, the hoofer does your dance moves for ya. When I flip this switch, Gary will be trippin' the light fantastic!
[Sandy flips the switch. It makes Gary dance, but slime stats spilling everywhere. The Automatic Snail Hoofer starts malfunctioning and getting slime on Sandy and SpongeBob. SpongeBob runs away, while Sandy attempts to turn the machine off. Patrick is then caught in the madness, but he flies off and lands in Slappy's arms.]
Slappy: May I have the next dance?
[After a few seconds, the machine then explodes. The remains fall on Gary and Sandy. Sandy then comes up from the remains, with stars surrounding her.]
Sandy: It just needs some minor adjustments.
[Gary then angrily comes out of the remains, and starts chasing after Sandy. The tote board then shows that they have now earned a total of $0.01.]
Patrick: [slides in] Woohoo! One penny on the way to our goal. Keep those calls, letters, and psychic messages coming in. Oh, psychic message coming in from the backyard. And Birch Jerkins.
Perch Perkins: [slightly mad] That's Perch Perkins. [We then zoom out to see the stunt again.] You're now looking at the Alligator Jump, Wheel of Fire, ten blindfolded boxing champs, and a math teacher with a problem. The time is getting closer when Patrick's grandfather will sacrifice himself in order to help poor, unfortunate snails to dance.
[GrandPat then enters, but his motor scooter hits Perch.]
GrandPat: What's this about snails?
Perch Perkins: [laughs] Oh, what a relic. Back to you.
Patrick: Thanks, Blerch!
[Suddenly, the door goes flying again as Sandy brings in a fabric-like invention.]
Sandy: Gary, get fixin' to shake your tail feather 'cause I got a new solution! I call it the Cutting a Rug Rug. [The rug then vibrates.] Let me demonstrate. [She takes Gary, and puts him on the rug.] All right, Gary, show 'em what you got! [Gary dances under it, but only for a little, due to the rug moving under Sandy's feet.] ♪Bow to your partner, bow to your own, you're shook up down to the bone, and a dosido-♪
[Sandy then flings out through the glass screen. Squidward's phone then rings.]
Squidward: Y'ello? Anybody here named Ima, Ima Loser?! Hey everybody, Ima Loser!
Audience: (off-screen) We know! (laughs)
[Squidward then angrily hangs up the phone. Patrick is then shown sleeping. His alarm clock wakes him up, and makes him fall out of bed.]
Patrick: [shouts] Looks like we're nearing the end of our Pat-a-thon for Snails Who Can't Dance. But before we go, let's get out to our big finale with Perch Perkins!
Perch Perkins: [frustrated] That's Search Gherkins! I-I mean Smerch Lurkins! Agh! Whatever. Time for the big stunt. [Patrick then walks outside, and is hoisted up into the air.] Looks like grandson is giving grandfather a last-minute pep talk.
Patrick: I just wanna say it's been nice knowing you. Oh, wait, wait, that came out wrong.
[GrandPat then gets a sneaky idea, and gets off the motor scooter.]
GrandPat: Grandson, can you check the heating pad in my seat? It's not working.
Patrick: [gets on] Well, my buns are nice and toasty.
[Patrick yells as GrandPat pushes him, the latter chuckling. Patrick then starts going down the track. He gets swallowed by an alligator, and spat out by the other one. He goes through the Wheel of Fire unharmed. The boxing champs beat him up, but only a little. He also breaks the chalkboard, but he manages to solve the math problem, the answer being zero. He is then put back on the course, and Slappy shows up behind him.]
Slappy: The excitement is killing me. Is it killing you?
Patrick: [frightened] Maybe.
[Slappy and Patrick both scream as the scooter goes off a high jump. Back at the studio, Sandy sends the door flying again as she brings in a spray.]
Sandy: I did it! I did it, y'all! I found the cure! [Gary meows as Sandy sprays the bottom of him with it.] I call it the Tap Spray.
[After a few seconds, it doesn't seem to be working. But suddenly, Gary starts tapping. He is confused as to what's happening, but he then becomes happy. He looks under him, and discovers that he now has many small legs and tap shoes. He then keeps dancing like there's no tomorrow.]
Sandy: Yahoo! Look at that snail a-tappin'!
[SpongeBob cheers for his snail. Dale then gets a call from a viewer and answers it. Gary then keeps dancing around in a hat. It then shows the total is now -$0.01. SpongeBob is then dancing on top of Gary, while Sandy, Bunny, the phonebank, and many snails are also dancing. Patrick and Slappy then crash through the wall, while the former brings Squidina in.]
Patrick: Thank you, everyone, for making this Pat-a-thon a huge success!
Squidward: All right, listen up. I've got a message here from a Mia Dumbbell. Can someone please call Mia Dumbbell?!
Everyone (except Squidward): [mishearing a word he said] Okay! You're a dumbbell!
Squidward: [his face turns an angry red] Grr! I hate telethons!