Pat-per Route/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Pat-per Route/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode irises in to a stylized cartoon snail.]
Safe T. Snail: [waving] Welcome back, kiddos! It's your old pal, [letters appear] Safe T. Snail! Here to teach [points to camera] you...
[As he talks, zoom out to show Patrick watching TV, ironing his pants with a blindfold on. Various sparking electric plugs are plugged next to the TV. In the background, there is a box containing various explosives.]
Safe T. Snail: How to be safety smart!
Patrick: [lifts blindfold] Alright! Let's talk safety! [the iron lights the clothes on fire]
Safe T. Snail: Last week, we talked about [shows illustration of two kids walking across a crosswalk] crossing the street [shows other illustration of a shoe being tied] and tying our shoes. Today, we're talking about [dramatic up-shot, voice deepens] dynamite-hurling maniacs!
Patrick: [puts on his shirt, which has holes in it, gasps, smacks side of head] Oh no!
Safe T. Snail: You never know if one of these [pulls down a picture of a masked, Squidward-like figure with dynamite] fiends could even be your [squints and looks around] next-door neighbor! [appears in front of a flag] It's your civic [salutes] duty to stop them in their [pounds fist] tracks [Patrick is patting his head and rubbing his stomach] and protect Bikini Bottom!
Patrick: [nervous noises, opens window and looks around]
Squidward: [off-screen] Newspapers!
Patrick: [gasps]
Squidward: [biking down the street, throwing newspapers] I've got the news! I've got [turns into the dynamite-hurling maniac shown on TV, throws sticks of dynamite that explode] booms! Booms! [cackles]
Patrick: [growls]
[Squidward throws the paper in front of the Star house, and it spins in place. Patrick comes out of the front door. The paper lands and Patrick grabs it.]
Patrick: Keep your stinkin' dynamite! [flings it] Hyah!
Squidward: [humming] Dynamite? [ducks to avoid the paper] Phew!
[He bikes over a rock and flies off his bike, rolling down a hill. The scene is shown in slow-motion. He falls down again and rolls through Helen the Felon's lemonade stand. He slides across the dirt and lifts his head, showing lemons in his eyes and mouth. He spits them out.]
Squidward: [groans]
Helen the Felon: [holding pitcher of lemonade] Gee, mister, you don't look so good. [pours lemonade in his mouth] Have some fresh lemonade.
Squidward: [slaps her arm away] Bleh! What's in that garbage?
Helen the Felon: Fresh lemons... [the lemons and ice move to show dynamite] and fresh dynamite!
[Squidward's mouth is full of dynamite. Helen the Felon removes her clothes to show a Stetson hat and black cloak, similar to the figure on TV.]
Helen the Felon: [cackles]
[The dynamite explodes, splitting Squidward's limbs apart. The cloud dissolves in front of the hospital.]
Doctor: Well, it took 16 hours, 14 men, and a lifetime of your newsboy insurance, but [Squidward is shown heavily bandaged and with his arm in a sling] we finally got you back together in one piece.
[One of Squidward's legs falls off.]
Doctor: [screws it back on] Mostly. [adjusts glasses] I'm going to [writes on clipboard] prescribe you one month of [points to clipboard with pen] bed rest.
Squidward: Oh, but I need to get back to my paper route! I'm so close to earning the Golden Lobber award! [his thought cloud shows an award with a fist clenching a newspaper] The annual award given to the very best paperboys! [appears in a tuxedo and bike helmet, accepting the trophy, kissing it] Oh, a year of hard work [the trophy poofs away] down the drain! [his thought bubble self-sniffs and looks sad]
Doctor: [scratching head] Golden Lobster? [removes head to show Patrick]
Patrick: Well, [throws doctor head away] I didn't know that!
Squidward: What? Patrick?
Patrick: I'm so sorry my totally understandable mix-up ruined your award! [spreads arms] Is there anything I can [hugs him] do so you'll forgive me?
Squidward: [strained] You can start by letting go!
Patrick: [lets go] Wait! [grabs his shoulders] I have a [pulls him closer] better idea! [shot of his face] How's about [points to himself] I finish the paper [Squidward smiles] route with you?
Squidward: [suddenly smacks Patrick's arm away] No way! I am more than capable of [walks out of bed] doing it on my own! [his head falls off his body, sighs] Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but... Patrick, I'd really appreciate your help.
Patrick: [off-screen] Don't worry! [picks him up] I'm here to lift you up!
[Patrick puts Squidward's limbs into a shopping cart full of newspapers. He rips off his doctor disguise to wear a helmet and rollerskates.]
Patrick: This is way more important than pretending to be a doctor!
[Patrick rides with the cart out of the hospital.]
Patrick: Hee-hee! We'll get this done in a jiffy!
Squidward: Now, listen, Patrick. The [raises finger] first thing to know is we're not just tossing newspapers [waves tentacle] willy-nilly. [takes out a paper] There's an art to it. [holds out pinky] A technique! Watch and learn...
[Squidward throws the paper and his tentacle snaps. The paper hits him in the face.]
Patrick: Wow, Squidward, you're amazing! Here, let me try!
[Patrick takes out a huge batch of papers and throws them. They fly through everyone's windows.]
Incidental 15: [comes out of house] Hey, watch where you're throwing those! [a newspaper hits his head and it shatters like glass] Huh?
[Patrick throws more papers through windows.]
Patrick: And paper for you!
[A fish drives by, crashes his car, and screams.]
Patrick: And paper for you!
[Cut to a realtor handing house keys to a fish.]
Realtor: Here are the keys to [shows a giant fishbowl-shaped house] your brand new glass house!
Patrick: [runs the cart through the house, shattering it, throws a paper at the doorstep]
Realtor: Enjoy your new home. [runs away] Buh-bye!
Squidward: [removes shard of glass from his nose] Well, at least he's efficient. At this rate, we'll finish the paper route with time to spare!
[Patrick and Squidward are on the roof of a building. A rope is tied around Patrick's body, attached to the cart. They give each other thumbs ups and Patrick jumps down. He spins around the build.]
Patrick: Hup!
Squidward: [yelping as his cart is dragged around]
Patrick: [throws papers into all the windows] Papers for all!
[Squidward is repeatedly smacked against the chimney as Patrick circles around. Paper transition to Patrick flinging a giant paper, which Hans catches. Hans flips a live-action coin, which Patrick prepares to catch.]
Squidward: Huh? [pushes himself off Patrick] Hah. [the coin crushes him] Oof! Ow...
[Paper transition to citizens surrounding Old Man Walker, who is in a burning building. A firefighter throws a pail of water on it.]
Old Man Walker and citizens: Hooray!
[Patrick drives past, tosses a paper at the building, and it lights on fire again.]
Citizens and Old Man Walker: Aw...
[Paper transition to Squidward noticing something. Patrick digs through the paper cart.]
Patrick: Sunday edition, [spins arm to throw it] coming up!
Squidward: [grabs paper] Patrick, wait! [Lady Upturn's mansion is shown] The fanciest lady in Bikini Bottom lives in that house! If we don't get this delivery perfect, I can kiss that Golden Lobber goodbye!
Patrick: [holds pinkie out] Oh, a fancy lady, huh? Well, I'll give her my [takes out paper] fanciest throw!
[Patrick gets on his back and catches the paper between his skates, catches it in his mouth, spits it into his hand, spins his arm, stinks his pinkie out, then throws it. The paper flies to the front door, which Regigilled opens. It bounces up the stairs, down the hallway, into a door and out another, and floats into Upturn's room, which Regigilled opens the door to. Upturn is in bed, sipping tea. Regigilled catches the paper on a pillow for Upturn.]
Regigilled: Your paper, madam.
[Cut to the outside of the mansion. Squidward cowers as Upturn shouts.]
Lady Upturn: [off-screen] Unbelievable!
Squidward: Guh, well, [points] we should get going before Lady Upturn finds out we're the ones who wrecked her house.
Lady Upturn: [opens doors, holding paper] Paperboy! I am offff...
[Squidward looks scared, but Patrick is still smiling.]
Lady Upturn: ...icially ecstatic [unfolds paper] over your paperboy [fluffs paper] throw! [reads paper] There's an [sticks out pinkies] art behind it, a technique, [shows the paper with an illustration of Upturn holding two bags of money and a stock going up] and you landed it with the [points at stock] financial section facing up, no less! [laughs] A handsome tip [flips a diamond at Patrick, which he catches on his tongue] for your perfect delivery. [staggered zoom on her mouth] Best paperboy ever!
Squidward: [eyes widen, internal monologue] Could Patrick really be the best paperboy ever? [camera moves to show the destruction he caused behind him, moves back as Squidward rubs his nose in thought] There's only one way to find out. [speaking] Say, Patrick, if you really are the best paperboy, then I bet you can do the [holds up finger] one thing no other paperboy has ever [smacks fist on cart] done!
Patrick: Respect myself?
Squidward: No! Get my worst customer to finally [takes out a paper and smacks it in his palm] pay for his paper!
Patrick: [smiling] Who's that?
[Newspaper transition to the Star house. Zoom out to show Squidward and Patrick.]
Squidward: The moocher who lives [gestures to the house] there!
Patrick: [angry] That looks like my house! [shakes fist] A bunch of copycats must live there!
Squidward: [eyes widen, then goes with it] Yeah, sure, copycats. Only a [points] copycat would stiff us on the paper money!
Patrick: [angry] That no-good, lousy cheap-steak! [scoops Squidward into a paper bag] We're going in there, Squidward! [attaches the bag to his chest] Let's make this guy pay!
[He runs to the door, and his skates are left flying. The doorbell rings and Patrick slams it down face-first.]
Squidward: Ow.
Patrick: [points off-screen] Pay up for your papers, freeloader!
[Cecil is seen standing partially in shadow, with his back turned.]
Cecil: So, they sent a paperboy to do a paperman's job? [laughs]
Patrick: [glares, then a white line crosses the screen against a black background] Huh? [sees Cecil's wallet with his ID photo] He has my dad's wallet! [points] They are copycats!
[Patrick charges at Cecil, who turns out to be a cardboard cutout. He screams and crashes into the wall. Cecil comes up from behind the cough.]
Cecil: [chuckling, jumps into the kitchen]
Patrick: [falls on his side, looking into the kitchen]
Squidward: [pulls himself to see] Ow.
[A crash is heard. Patrick sits up. Cecil takes a ham out of the fridge.]
Cecil: This oughta slow 'em down! [throws the ham at Patrick]
Patrick: [eats the ham]
Cecil: Oh, you like that, huh?
Patrick: [angry] No, I don't like it. I love it! [charges at Cecil]
Cecil: Have some more! [throws more food from the fridge]
Patrick: [runs, eats eggs, a pizza, and a cake] My compliments to the chef! [gets crushed by a fridge]
Squidward: Ow-how.
[Cecil is standing next to a closed metal door behind the fridge. The oven shows a retinal scan.]
Cecil: [snickers, scans his eye and passes, his reflection winks, the door opens, he sneaks inside ans waves] Ha-ha!
Patrick: [eats fridge, gets ready to run, squeezes into the door]
[Only Patrick and Squidward's eyes are visible as they walk through a dark room.]
Squidward: Sure is dark in here...
[The lights turn on, revealing a giant room of mirrors. The exit shuts.]
Patrick: Huh? Where are we?
Cecil: [appears on mirrors] Come and get me, paperboy!
Patrick: [rams into one of the mirrors]
Squidward: Ow.
Cecil: [sticks his tongue out and pulls his mouth]
Patrick: Oh, yeah? [flings himself at another mirror, which cracks too]
Cecil: [laughing]
[Patrick is about to charge into another mirror, but Squidward stops him.]
Squidward: No no no, wait, Patrick! It's another mirror!
Patrick: Hmm... [looks in the mirror, smiles and picks some lettuce out of his teeth]
Patrick's reflection: [winks at him and does finger guns, points somewhere else and runs]
[Patrick runs to a dead end, only seeing his reflection. Cecil appears on the mirrors again, laughing. The camera spins around Patrick.]
Squidward: [whimpering] Oh, he's won, Patrick. He's never gonna pay us.
Patrick: Oh, yeah? Well, I've got [takes out a paper] news for you! [points at mirrors] This one's on the house! [spins around to swing the paper, throws it] Gyah!
Cecil: [gasps, the mirrors shatter and reveal they were in the basement, cowers]
Patrick: Your crime spree is over, old man.
Squidward: Now you're really gonna [smacks fist] pay!
Cecil: [scurries to face Squidward] No! No! [clasps hands, crying] Don't make me do it!
Squidward: [outstretches tentacle] That'll be [opens and closes it] 75 cents.
Cecil: Aw. Oh, fine. [puts the coins, along with lint and a paperclip, in Squidward's tentacle] You win this time. [coins glimmer]
[Patrick opens the door as Squidward holds the money.]
Squidward: I don't believe it! I finally got his money! We really are the best paper-- [gets hit by a newspaper] boys.
Patrick: [angry] Hey! Who threw that? [points to himself] This is our paperboy turf!
[The newspaper begins speaking.]
Newspaper King: Ah ha ha, sorry about that, boys. [unrolls itself, revealing a king with newspaper-themed clothing] But I do love to make an entrance.
Squidward: [amazed] The Newspaper King? [bows]
Patrick: Who?
Squidward: Bow down, you chucklehead!
[Patrick bows, smacking Squidward against the ground.]
Squidward: Oop!
Newspaper King: By the kingly powers vested in me, I hereby [takes out a paper, which unrolls to show the trophy] awardeth the Golden Lobber [Squidward's eyes sparkle] to the very best paperboy.
Squidward: [gasps, emotional] Finally! [reaches for it]
Newspaper King: [bends his arm up to give it to Patrick] Patrick Star!
Patrick: Alright!
[Patrick takes it and the king's arm retracts. Squidward's pupils shrink and he deflates into the bag. Patrick looks at Squidward and feels bad.]
Patrick: But... [puts trophy on mailbox and holds out mailbag] I couldn't have done it without the dynamite-hurling maniac who showed me how. [sets the bag down, Squidward is smiling, picks up the trophy] So I'd like to give this...
Squidward: [making "gimme" motion] Uh-huh?
Patrick: [tears trophy in half, grunts] Half to you.
Squidward: [small laugh, takes half the trophy]
Newspaper King: [grabs them] Smile for the camera, boys!
[A camera flash shows a picture of Patrick and Squidward, each holding their trophy halves, with the Newspaper King in the middle. Zoom out to show the rest of the paper.]
Squidward: Oh... [folds it and throws it] Well, I can always win both halves next year. Ain't that right, this year's best newspaperboy?
Patrick: [is riding on Squidward's bike too] You said it, next year's best newspaperboy! But for now... [points] let's get that deadbeat!
[Patrick and Squidward grin and pedal faster. They are biking after Cecil.]
Cecil: Why are you chasing me? I already paid you!
[Cecil screams as he is chased past another Cecil picking up the morning paper and holding a cup of coffee.]
Cecil #2: Huh. Another Cecil? Wouldn't want to be that copycat.
Cecil #3: [comes up walking Ouchie] Good morning, Cecil!
Cecil #4: [drives a van full of Cecils with one riding on top] Salutations, Cecil!
[A wide shot shows many copies of the Star house and many Cecils doing activities: parachuting, having a picnic, wearing fishing gear, reading a paper, and mowing the lawn. Patrick and Squidward keep chasing Cecil down the path.]
Cecils: Looking good, Cecil! / Morning, Cecil! / [chattering]
[Iris out at the end of the road.]