Patrick's Alley/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Patrick's Alley/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a giant gorilla in a cage fighting off helicopters.]
Gorilla: [breaks out of cage, roars]
Babies: [screaming]
Patrick: [in fancy outfit] Oh, no! [pointing] The giant mutant sea ape is [waving arms] escaping! I guess there's only one thing we can do. We'll have to put him out of our misery. [activates dynamite to blow up the gorilla, revealing a robot skeleton]
Babies: [cheering]
Patrick: Hooray! Wow, [hops off stage] that was awesome! With all those super duper special o'fects, that was the best-er-ist show yet! Can't wait to do that again tomorrow.
Squidina: [reading clipboard] I don't know, Patrick, our robot gorilla put us way over budget. There won't be a show tomorrow unless we can come up with some more money.
Patrick: Aw, [crossing arms] and I wanted tomorrow's episode to be in CG!
CG Patrick: Aww! [floats away]
Patrick: [calling] Sorry, CG Patrick! [normal voice] We gotta have a show! I can't let down the lawnies!
Squidina: Lawnies!
Patrick: [looking at several babies on his lawn] Yeah, the kids out on the lawn!
Squidina: The Patrick Show has been [points outside] giving away babysitting for free! If we charge for watching these kids, we can have all the robot gorillas we want!
[Wipe transition to Patrick standing on the ground. A baby runs on top of and past Patrick. A TV appears, and Patrick pushes himself into it and on the screen.]
Patrick: If your kid is [eyes spin hypnotically] driving you crazy, [pretends to sleep] and you would rather be lazy, bring your kids down to "The Patrick Show"! It's the way to go! [money rains down] We'll watch your kids for lots of dough!
Squidina: [reading out disclaimer that scrolls past on-screen] The Patrick Show is not responsible for viewer brain damage.
Baby: [babbles]
[Diaper transition to several people in boats in a line and honking their horns. It is revealed that there is a long line leading up to the Star family's house. They are all chattering. Next to the house, a man is carrying a baby who is smacking him in the face with a lollipop. Patrick pulls the baby away from the man, ripping his skin off as it gets stuck to the lollipop.]
Man: [running away] Freedom! [the baby walks off]
Patrick: [clapping hands] Oh boy, twins! Double the fun!
[The twins bash their heads into their parents' faces. The parents get dizzy for a moment.]
Father: [giving twins to Patrick and Squidina, running off with the mother] Yeah, fun!
Mother: [running off] Let's get outta here!
[The babies each bash their heads on Patrick and Squidina, then run off. Several babies run off and trample Patrick and Squidina, making them dizzy.]
Squidina: [rubbing head] Patrick Show Babysitting is open for business. [gets up, looking at several babies climbing the Star house] Huh?
Patrick: [yelling, running with Squidina
Squidina: These kids are going bananas! [grabs baby, lets it go] How are we gonna keep them safe?
Patrick: I'm on it! [has a giant safe with babies jumping on it next to him] What's safer than a safe? [closes safe]
Squidina: Patrick! [uses stethoscope on safe and dials the lock] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm... mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [opens safe] Maybe we'll try a playpen.
[Star transition to Patrick and Squidina putting the babies in the playpen.]
Squidina: Hey! Let's do a show aimed at kids!
Patrick: Great! I'll get the crossbow.
Squidina: Ehh, maybe start with a song instead?
[Diaper transition to the babies in front of the stage. The camera zooms into Patrick playing inside a trash can. He gets out of the trash can and puts an outfit on.]
Patrick: ♪ It's a wonderful thing, [puts on boots] to be a twit. [puts on clothing on clothesrack] To not have a clue, to be a nitwit. Let's be dumb. Let's just be dumb. [puts on pirate captain hat] Let's just be dumb together. You don't need brains to climb a tree. [jumps on birdhouse on tree] Have lots of fun, or get stung by a bee. ♪ [hive lands on his head, then falls down] Whoa! [cut back to him walking] ♪ Now let's fill our heads [stretches face] with nothing today. [takes off beehive, hat, and the top of his head, then tosses his brain] We'll empty our brains [puts rubber duck in his head] and together we'll say. Let's be dumb! Let's just be dumb! [puts hat back on] Let's all be dumb together. ♪ [realistic TV falls on his head]
[The realistic TV's screen cracks to reveal Patrick.]
Patrick: [groans, rapidly shakes head, lifts up patch] Huh? Hey, where'd [the playpen is empty, and has a rope] the babies go?
Squidina: The babies tied their diapers into a rope and escaped! [gasps] No kids, no cash!
Patrick: [points to front diaper of the rope] Watch out for that last one. It's mine.
Squidina: [lets go of rope] Ew!
Babies: [babbling]
Squidina: [sees babies playing in their neighbor's yard, wipes sweat from head] Ohh. They're just playing in the neighbor's yard.
Patrick: [wipes sweat from head, lawnmower engine is heard turning on] Thank Neptune. [both jump and scream]
Squidina: [hands to head] Oh, no! [a robot is seen mowing the lawn near the babies] It's Robot Gardener day!
Patrick: What?
Squidina: [grabs Patrick's chin] It's Robot Gardener day!
Patrick: [points to nonexistent ears] I can't hear you because it's Robot Gardener day!
Baby: [babbling as a lawnmower robot approaches]
Patrick and Squidina: [biting on nails, run away yelling] Robot gardeners! [both jump ahead and grab two babies to save them from being mowed, moaning while grass covers them]
[A robot garderner is about to hit a baby on a hedge, and Patrick leaps to grab and save it.]
Patrick: [holding baby, head falls off] Whew. Huh? [robot gardener grabs his head and blows into it like a flute] Uhhh...
[Bubble transition to the children in a fortified playpen. The babies are babbling.]
Squidina: [closes playpen door] This fortified playpen should keep the little sweethearts where they belong.
Patrick: [onstage wearing an outfit similar to Steve from Blue's Clues] Hey, kids! It's time for Ouchie's Hints! Ouchie wants to tell us something, and he has left hints around the house! Can you help me figure out what Ouchie wants? [picks up Ouchie's food bowl, which has an urchin symbol on it] Huh, here's an Ouchie hint on his food dish. I wonder what it could mean?
Kids: Ouchie's hungry!
Patrick: Shh! [waves hand] Quiet! [tosses bowl] Trying to think. [jots on notepad, then grabs an urchin food can from a stack] Hmm...
Kids: Ouchie want eat!
Patrick: A can of Ouchie's food. A can. [gasps, snaps fingers] Maybe he wants me to do the cancan! [puts on a skirt and laughs as he does the cancan, then trips over a safe] Whoa! [stage lights fall down and crush him, then he walks out squashed like a crab]
Ouchie: [blows raspberry, walks away]
Patrick: Okay, maybe not. I gotta figure out this cinspir-stery.
[Transition to Patrick putting up a bulletin board with pictures on the wall. Patrick chews gum and takes it out to stretch.]
Patrick: Huh. If Ouchie's not [stretches gum on bulletin board] here, maybe he's there? But if I'm me and you're you, who is the man in the purple pants? [sniffing armpit] And why does my armpit smell like lemonade? Hmm... [head turns into lightbulb that breaks apart] Ooh! [head grows back] I know what to do! [dashes away]
[Patrick puts food in Ouchie's food bowl. Ouchie licks his lips and starts panting.]
Patrick: [eats Ouchie's food] Maybe a little brain food will help me figure out what Ouchie wants.
Ouchie: [growling, gets on Patrick's belly] I'm hungry, you dolt! Oh, and the kids are gone again!
Patrick: What kids? [pan over to the empty, broken out of playpen] Oh! Those kids!
Squidina: [yelps and runs off]
[The babies are seen wandering around on a highway. Patrick and Squidina get on top of a hill to see this.]
Squidina: Shrimp sauce! The babies are playing in traffic!
Patrick: Don't worry, [points to himself] I got this. [both run off]
[Above the highway the babies are playing on, Patrick is wearing fishing gear while holding a fishing rod.]
Patrick: Welcome to the wild world of [gives Squidina fishing rod] Baby Fishin'. Today [opens toolbox full of baby supplies] I'll teach you how to be an angler of [inserts fishing rod into toolbox] little angels. For a Steelhead Toddler [holds up diaper as fishing bait] you wanna use a tufted nappy.
[Patrick uses the fishing rod to put the diaper on top of a wandering baby. He reels in the rod, and they put the baby in a barrel. Several more babies are reeled in with various baby items on the rod.]
Patrick: [off-screen] Now, with a Big Mouth Babbler, the twisted teething ring is the way to go. O' course for the wily Rainbow Moppet, [puts pacifier on hook] all you need is a number four pacifier. [fishes on the highway, and reels in GrandPat]
Squidina: Ah!
Patrick: Hmm.
Squidina: Too old, [points down] throw it back.
[GrandPat is dropped on the highway. He begins running around to dodge the oncoming traffic. Bubble transition back to the Star house, where a fishing truck stops in front of. Squidina hums as she controls a giant hook on the truck with a net holding all the babies. She moves the hook, which bumps Patrick into an aquarium container.]
Patrick: [rubbing head] Ohh.. [the babies fall into the aquarium and start flopping like fish] [pointing down] Now, that's a big baby haul! [laughs, then the babies eat his skin, leaving him a skeleton] Huh? These babies need to learn some manners.
[Pacifier transition to Patrick with a hand puppet onstage in front of the babies in the aquarium.]
Patrick: [in high-pitched voice, as puppet] Hi, kids, I'm Marcy the Manners Manatee! For today's lesson in manners we're going to learn a magic word! [normal voice] Alakazaam? [as puppet] No. Try again. [normal voice] Abracadabra? [as puppet] No! [normal voice] Asparagus? [as puppet] No! The magic word is please! Ooh! [runs off] I've gotta try this out.
[GrandPat in a magic box is pushed onstage in front of Patrick with the puppet.]
GrandPat: What am I doin' in this box? I told you I wanted a sky burial!
Patrick: [puppet hand holds a saw] Observe as I cut this complete stranger into two pieces! [saws magic box into two, then pushes them apart]
GrandPat: [waving as fanfare plays]
Patrick: And now, I will magically put him back together using my magic word! [puts two boxes together]
Squidina: [drumrolling]
Patrick: [waving magic wand] Pah-leeease! [opens front of magic box to reveal GrandPat is in one piece]
GrandPat's bottom half: [apart, runs away] Ooh!
GrandPat: Ohh, and I just had my hips rotated!
Patrick: [to puppet] I think your magic word is broken! [as puppet] Argh! You moronic, imbecilic dimwit! [puppet punches him in the face multiple times, and he falls down]
[Patrick, now injured, puts the puppet in its box.]
Marcie: [shaking in box] Lemme outta here!
Patrick: What's the magic word?
Marcie: [dolphin sounds]
Patrick: Whoa!
GrandPat: Wow!
Patrick: That's not very kid friendly! Bad puppet!
[Bubble transition back to the aquarium container, which has a burnt baby-shaped hole in its wall.]
Squidina: I guess we should've used tempered glass.
Patrick: [tiptoeing excitedly while pointing down, pointing to baby foootprints] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh... baby tracks! [both run on footprint trail] This way. [scratches head as a red "X" is in the ground] Well, I'm stumped.
Squidina: Huh? [both fall down as the sand collapses and they get stuck in a hole]
[The babies run angrily towards the two of them, holding shovels. They begin burying Patrick and Squidina.]
Squidina: [whimpering]
Patrick: Oh, hey, babies. Did you grow taller?
[The sun rises, and is now GrandPat.]
GrandPat: [snores, then wakes up, muttering] Down on Slobbery Fields at the crack of dawn, the Slobby Tots are back on the lawn. [pan down to Patrick and Squidina with only their heads emerged, surrounded by the babies] Oh, how I wish those brats were gone! [wicker heads are placed onto Patrick and Squidina] [off-screen] Oh, wicker heads! [laughs] I remember those from my pagan days. Boy, were they itchy.
Babies: [holding out weapons, circling around Patrick and Squidina] Booger ba-ba doody didey! Booger ba-ba doody didey! Booger ba-ba doody didey! Booger ba-ba doody didey!
[A baby behind them uses a flamethrower, begins walking to Patrick and Squidina, but the babies all notice that their parents are home.]
GrandPat: [narrating as the parents get out of their vehicles and walk to their babies] Hooray! The dumb Slobby Tots' [babies toss away weapons and put on pacifiers] dumb parents are taking 'em to their dumb home!
Mother: [picks up baby] Thank you for doing such an excellent job watching our little monst--uh, I mean, little darlings! [puts a dollar into Patrick and Squidina's mouths]
[The other parents come by with money in their hands, putting it into Patrick and Squidina's mouths. They all run off.]
Squidina: We did it! We made enough money to do tomorrow's episode! Yay!
Patrick: Eight hours from now, I can do my solid gold diaper show! [eats money in his mouth] Mm!
[Both of them notice a robot gardener with a lawnmower heading towards them.]
Patrick and Squidina: Oh, no, Robot Gardener day! [both sobbing]
GrandPat: [still as the sun] Welp, you know what they say--out of the frying pan and into the mower! [laughing, camera irises out on him as the episode ends]