Patrick's Got a Zoo Loose/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Patrick's Got a Zoo Loose/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[On his show, Patrick is interviewing Nosferatu and looking at some sunblock.]
Patrick: SPF 900? That's pretty good. I did not know they made it that strong. [accidentally squirts it in Nosferatu's face] Huh? And we're back. I'd like to thank my guest, Nosferatu, for stopping by. Catch his one-vampire show, [takes out a poster of Nosferatu with a stake at a restaurant] "I Didn't Order the Stake!" [woman screams] Now at the Bikini Bottom Playhouse. No flash photography or garlic allowed, right?
Nosferatu: [hisses]
[Patrick drinks a juice box.]
Audience: Yay! Whoo!
[A coffin comes on-stage and Nosferatu jumps onto it. It closes to show Slappy driving it. He revs it up and drives off.]
Slappy: [chuckling]
Audience: [cheering]
Patrick: Zip it!
[Patrick motions zipping his lips and a sign reading "ZIP IT" lights up. The audience literally zips their mouths shut.]
Patrick: Up next, we've got some weird alien animals from the Rings of Saturn Zoo. Please welcome zookeeper Space Rube! [laughs] Applaud!
Audience: [cheering]
[Rube, in a spacesuit, comes down with his rocket boots. His helmet reflects Patrick's face.]
Patrick: Mm...hmm. Ooh? Whoa! You look just like me!
Rube: [opens helmet] Well, golly, then I must be one handsome devil!
[He and Patrick move their heads together and smile. A close-up shows their faces in detail as a donkey brays.]
Rube: Well, I brought you some amazing alien animals from all over the universe!
[Backstage, there are a bunch of aliens in cages. Squidina fights them off with a flyswatter.]
Aliens: [snarling]
Squidina: Bad! Bad! Back!
Rube: First up is this little fella!
[He pulls out an alien resembling a yellow ball with purple suction cups.]
Audience: Awww!
Rube: It's a Fluff from Planet X!
[Rube bounces the Fluff off the desk and it sucks on Patrick.]
Rube: This little cutie's been feeding off my vital fluids ever since I found him. And now he's feeding off yours!
[The Fluff sucks on Patrick and swells, leaving Patrick pale and shriveled. Patrick stumbles around on stage, knocks over a plant, and falls over on the desk.]
Rube: Up next, I've got a Boggy Ecto.
Squidina: Here you go! [gives Rube a yellow, dinosaur-like alien]
Audience: Ooh!
Rube: Ooh!
[The Boggy Ecto flies and eats the Fluff.]
Audience: Ooh!
Rube: It was time for the little darlin's lunch. Ha!
Squidina: [takes the Boggy Ecto away] Good boy!
[Squidina uses an eyedropper to drop water on Patrick, restoring his body.]
Patrick: And I'm back! What's next?
[Squidina brings in a one-eyed, green alien.]
Audience: Awww...
Rube: Thank you! [slurps it down]
Audience: [disgusted noises]
Patrick: What was that?
Rube: That was my lunch!
Patrick: Amazing!
Audience: [cheering and applause]
Patrick: Can I eat one?
Alien: [off-screen screeching]
[Squidina tries to put make-up on a five-eyed, spider-like alien.]
Squidina: Just hold still while I do your makeup!
Rube: Oh, my goodness! That big boy is an Enigma Shapeshifter. It's the most dangerous creature in the universe.
[The shapeshifter looks at the door, which reacts in surprise, and jumps through it. Cecil, having just gotten out of the shower, is whistling.]
Cecil: Hello! [whistling]
Rube: And now it's loose in your house!
Patrick: How do you catch one of those things?
Rube: I have no idea. It came with the pet carrier. I guess you'd have to be some kind of-- [Patrick is dressed as a space hunter] alien space hunter!
Patrick: Space what now? [poses]
[Slides of Patrick fighting aliens are shown. Logo text appears.]
Narrator: Patrick Star: Alien Space Hunter! [a trademark symbol appears]
[Squidina, in an attorney outfit, runs up to a courthouse.]
Narrator: Co-starring Squidina Star as Patrick's attorney! [freeze-frames on her] Tonight's episode: The Shifty Shape Shifter Shakes the Show!
[Bunny is in the kitchen, with a plate that has two pieces of bread on it. She takes out jelly and ketchup. The shapeshifter crawls in and shrinks down. It goes onto the kitchen counter and transforms into Bunny's toaster.]
Bunny: Huh? That's weird. Now why would I see two toasters? [pauses] Silly me! It's because I have two eyes! [puts toast in the second toaster, and it comes out perfect] Huh? The toast just popped up perfectly. It's never done that before. It always fights me! [screaming] Ahh! The toaster is working perfectly!
[Patrick jumps in through the ceiling.]
Patrick: Toaster! You're toast! [fires a ray gun at the shapeshifter]
Bunny: Oh!
[The ray gun zaps the shapeshifter. It turns into a green alien and runs off. Patrick hides in his suit.]
Patrick: Eat hot laser beam!
[Patrick shoots it, but the shapeshifter avoids he. He blasts holes in the kitchen wall and Bunny's hair.]
Bunny: Ohh!
Squidina: [runs in] This should cover your damages. [gives her a slip of paper]
Bunny: [reads it] Ooh! 50 free hugs!
[Squidina runs away. Bunny puts the paper in her dress and turns to the remaining toaster.]
Bunny: Okay. Let's try that again.
[She puts toast in, and it fires back and cuts her head off. Her body grasps for it. Her head lands and knocks the toaster away.]
Bunny: Ahh. Much better.
[Patrick flies through the hallway, smashing into stuff and breaking it. Squidina follows by and writes a check. Patrick smashes into the wall next to Cecil, then flies off. Squidina taps Cecil's shoulder.]
Squidina: Ahem. This should cover the damages.
Cecil: [takes it] Woo-hoo!
[Cecil walks onto the stage of Patrick's show, where Rube is behind Patrick's desk.]
Rube: Welcome back to "The Space Rube Show." We're here with Cecil Star. So what planet are you from?
Cecil: I think I'm from Planet Ka-Ching-- 'cause I just got this check! [waves check]
Audience: Amazing!
[GrandPat is sleeping in his room. Patrick falls on top of him.]
Patrick: Wake up, old timer! [holds his shirt] Seen a shapeshifting alien around these parts?
GrandPat: [screeching] All right, all right! You don't have to get all huffy with me. Hmph. [walks away]
[The real GrandPat comes out of a dresser.]
GrandPat: Thanks for covering for me, shapeshifty! [slides out] I didn't feel like dealing with my annoying family today.
[The shapeshifter turns into an ape and roars at GrandPat.]
GrandPat: [roaring]
[GrandPat and the shapeshifter high five. The shapeshifter runs away and creates a hole in the wall. Squidina throws a check through the hole.]
Squidina: This should cover your damages!
GrandPat: [reads check] Huh? Ooh. 30 foot rubs? [kicks his legs together] Whoo-hoo! Ow! Ow! [his foot throbs]
Patrick: Shifty? [shoots television] Nope. Shifty? [shoots plant] Nope. Couch! Are you the shapeshifter? [shoots couch] Huh. Nope. Painting! Are you the shapeshifter? [shoots painting]
[Bunny is behind the painting, humming and working in the kitchen.]
Patrick: Nope.
[Patrick walks through the halls and sees a kitchen chair hopping by.]
Patrick: Ha! I see you now, shapeshifter! [goes into the kitchen and sees five chairs around the table] Huh? But which chair are you? [cracks his neck and exposes a bone, then punches his fists together] Looks like I'm gonna have to break up this dinette set.
[Patrick jumps onto one chair and punches it. He breaks the bottom off. He throws it at a counter full of pots and pans, which go flying. He smacks the chair with its bottom and destroys it, then pick sup a toothpick.]
Patrick: Hmm. Pull up a chair? Don't mind if I do! You must be this one!
[He takes another chair and smashes it against the floor. It turns into a stool.]
Patrick: So you won't talk, eh, stoolie? [throws it away and body slams another chair, collapsing it into dust] Hmm. Why don't you take a powder?
[Patrick throws some dust, jumps onto the table, and slams another chair. He gets his head stuck sideways in it and can't pull it off.]
Patrick: You'll not beat me! [pulls it off and throws it] Gah! I'm gonna rocker your world! [punches the chair and splits it into rocking chairs, cries, and sees the last chair] Hmm? Heh-heh, got you now. Hold onto your seat, shape shifty! [grabs stomach] 'Cause here I come!
[Patrick does a slow-motion slide towards the chair and punches it into the air. He smacks it apart. It turns into toothpicks that rain down on him.]
Patrick: [crying] Owie, owie, owie! Yow! [falls back onto the table] Mission accomplished. [faints, and the table grows legs]
Squidina: [gives check to Bunny] This should cover the latest damages!
Bunny: [looks at check] Huh? [smiles]
Squidina: Patrick! You're lying on the shapeshifter!
[Beneath the tablecloth is the shapeshifter in its spider form. It throws Patrick off. He lands against the fridge.]
Patrick: Don't eat me! I'm too dumb to die! [curls up]
Squidina: Hey, shapeshifter! Anybody can turn into a table, but I bet you can't be a boat.
Shapeshifter: Oh, yeah? [turns into a boat]
Squidina: That was too easy. How about a bulldog?
Shapeshifter: [boat engine sputters, turns into a bulldog and barks]
Squidina: Not bad, but now it's time for the lightning round. [the shapeshifter keeps transforming] Parking meter. Tea set. Rubber ducky. Water cooler. [she walks around it] Bet you can't change into an ice cream cone. [it does]
[Patrick gets up and his eyes turn into ice cream cones, which melt. He swallows the shapeshifter whole. His head turns blue and cracks, then regrows.]
Patrick: Mmm, shapeshifter flavor.
Squidina: [writes check] This check's for me! [eats it]
[Stars transition to Rube sitting with Cecil, Baby Prunes, and Mary. Patrick sits on the sofa, sending Baby Prunes and Mary into the air and back down.]
Rube: Oh, my goodness! I'd like to thank tonight's guests-- Cecil Star, [Cecil waves and his bowtie spins] Lazy Mary, [Mary puts her dentures in and smiles] Old Lady Baby Prunes, [Baby Prunes' head spins] and my special guest, Patrick Star!
Patrick: Thanks, Rubey!
Rube: And remember, always stay... [he groans and turns into a spider-like alien himself] Amazing!
[The audience members transform into shapeshifters and crawl off. Baby Prunes does, then Mary, then Cecil, leaving Patrick alone.]
Patrick: Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! [turns into a shapeshifter]