Patrick Show Land/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Patrick Show Land/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a shot of the Star house. Bunny openss the door and Cecil exits, holding a briefcase and wearing a hat]
Cecil: Bye, honey. Catch you on the flip-flop.
Bunny and Cecil: [kissing] Mwah!
Cecil: [walking away, looking at Patrick] Good luck with your show, son!
Patrick: [in a cheerleading outfit, raises a pompom] See you after work, Dad. All right, folks! Give me a P! [covers his face with a pompom to form a P]
Audience: P!
Patrick: Gimme an A! [holds the pompoms together to form an A with his body]
Audience: [jumps, imitating Patrick] A!
[Cut to Squidina writing on a clipboard.]
Patrick: [off-screen] Give me a T!
Audience: [crashing] T!
Patrick: [off-screen] Give me a, uh-- [straining]
Squidina: Oh, uh, the next letter is R, Patrick! [realizes something] Hmm? [looks outside to see the chairs tipped over, one is on fire] What?
Patrick: [straining] Phew! [the audience has piled on his back] Sorry. I'm a little cheer loaded up right now.
Squidina: Hey, hey, hey! Hands off the talent!
Orange fish: But-- but we love The Patrick Show. We just wanted to get closer to the action.
Gray fish: We want a more immersive experience.
[The fish scream as Patrick throws them off his back.]
Patrick: [thinking] Closer to the action? More incursive. Hmm.
Squidina: Let me help you with that idea, Patrick. [pulls a lever, making a brick drop on Patrick]
Patrick: [gets hit with brick, groans, shakes head] I got it!
[The sun sets. Mechanical whirring is heard. The sun rises again and Cecil walks home with a briefcase and hat, tired.]
Cecil: Boy, these 40-hour days are killing me. Can't wait to come home and re-- [walks into Tom] oh! [sees a line for Patrick Show Land] Hey, what's going on here?
Patrick: [standing in front of his house, which is now a theme park] Fans of The Patrick Show, experience me like never before with Patrick Show Land! Our theme park is now open!
Squidina: [wearing gi, karate chops ribbon] Hi-ya!
Patrick: This house is your-- [crowd stampedes over him] Let's see what our new land has to offer. Take it away, Squidina.
Squidina: [walks past the screen, transitioning to GrandPat's Thrilling Chairlift. Squidward is wearing Patrick's outfit and has a hat shaped like his house.] Certainly! There's GrandPat's Thrilling Chairlift.
[Squidward tears a fish's ticket and he gets into the chair. Squidward pulls a lever and it goes extremely slowly. The fish looks down and freaks out. He falls out of the chair at the top of the stairs.]
Charlift rider: [in fetal position] So that's what it's like to be old...
[Transition to Bunny's Bumper Vacuums.]
Squidina: [narrating] Bunny's Bumper Vacuums!
[Kids are riding vacuums around the floor. Two crash into each other and begin trying to suck each other up. One rider sucks up the other, making the vacuums explode and covering them in dust.]
Vacuum riders: [coughing] Yay! [more coughing]
[Transition to the outside of the bathroom, which has a line and a sign with Tinkle on it.]
Squidina: [narrating] Tinkle's Toilet Plunge!
[A fish gets flushed down the toilet by a security guard. He goes through various twisting pipes.]
GrandPat: [showering, singing; something comes through the pipes] Eh? What's that? [pokes at it]
[The fish comes out of the showerhead. Water slides down the screen to show a photo of him crashing into GrandPat.]
Squidina: [narrating] And don't forget to pick up your souvenir photo!
[Cecil runs to the front of the line and pokes an orange fish.]
Cecil: Excuse me, sir. I live here. So if you don't mind, I'm just gonna mosey on in-- [gets grabbed by a guard] oh!
Purple guard: No cutting.
Olive guard: [points at Cecil] End of the line! [points to the end of the line for entry] All the way back there.
Cecil: [angry] Now, looky here, misters. I am the property owner and nothing is gonna keep me from going in that... [screams, gets kicked to the back of the line] House! [explodes]
[A ticket transitions to the outside of Patrick Star Studios, placed behind the house. Squidina is riding GrandPat's motor scooter with three fish and Slappy stacked on the seat.]
Squidina: Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to the official VIP Patrick Star Studios Tour!
[She takes them into the entrance. Slappy's head gets hit on the sign and falls off.]
Slappy: [groans] Hey, [runs after them] wait for me!
[Squidina takes the riders past the couch, with a sign reading "The Bottomless Couch" and two kids digging into the cushions.]
Squidina: Our first stop is the bottomless couch. Who knows what wonders lie inside?
Couch kid #1: [takes out a dollar, wearing a snorkel] I got a dollar!
Couch kid #2: [takes out Teensy Tom] Oh! I found a tiny person!
Teensy Tom: Are you my new daddy?
Couch kid #2: I am now. [squishes him in his palm, walks off]
Couch kid #1: I want more! [dives back into the couch, voice fades] Hey, it really is bottomless!
[Squidina moves past a display with various cleaning products.]
Squidina: Bunny's Bunch o' Bubbles, where you can get a scrubdown from the queen of clean herself.
[Three dizzy fish covered in water walk past. Bunny is cleaning a green fish tied to a brush in a bucket of soapy water.]
Bunny: Feeling clean yet?
Cleaned fish: Yeah, I promise. I'm clean! I'm clean!
Bunny: [rubs his neck] Ooh, there's a speck.
Cleaned fish: No, not again!
Bunny: [puts him back in the water, humming] ♪ Doo, doo, doo. ♪
Squidina: [drives past GrandPat's room] Catch a glimpse of our grizzled geezer in our GrandPat Safari.
[GrandPat exits his bathroom, wearing a towel and holding the fish who crashed into him earlier.]
GrandPat: Rapscallion! [throws him, yawns]
[GrandPat's towel falls down and someone in the audience Slappy takes pictures of him.]
GrandPat: [gasps, shakes fist] No flash photography!
[A picture taken cuts back to Cecil in line. He smells something in the air.]
Cecil: [sniffing] Rotting garbage and burning tires? Aw, they're having dinner without me.
[In the kitchen, Bunny is presenting two casserole dishes full of garbage.]
Bunny: Patrick Show Land presents Foods of the Kitchen!
Rube: [looks at food] Finally, we get to eat! [eyes sparkle]
Squidina: [takes out casserole of trash from fridge] All foods locally sourced from the family fridge.
Bunny: That's right! We've got [holds up some] trasherole leftovers, microwaved to perfection, [holds up a dish with a sneaker in it] last Friday's sneaker a la mold, [holds up a pinky, the sneaker flattens] and... [gasps] Hey, everybody, it's Patrick Star!
Crowd: [gasping, turning to look]
[Patrick comes in, wearing a giant mascot head shaped like himself. He falls over and gets up. The audience cheers. Patrick throws some confetti.]
Rube: It's him! It's really, really him! [melts] Amazing.
Bubble Bass: Ugh. [picks up some trash with a finger] Let's just hope the food isn't as tasteless as that phony costume. [is about to taste it]
Patrick: [slaps the food away, wags finger] Nuh-uh-uh!
Bubble Bass: What gives?
Patrick: [removes mascot head]
Crowd: [gasping]
Patrick: The experience [throws away head] isn't about [pokes Bubble Bass's nose] you eating the food. It's about [pokes Bubble Bass's nose] you watching [points to himself] me eat the food. [shoves his face into the food]
Rube: [reforms] Oh, wow. That is amazing.
Audience: [cheering]
Bubble Bass: [snorts, takes out jar of pickles] Well, it's a good thing I brought my own rations. [is about to bite one] Ahh.
Patrick: [slaps the pickle and grabs the jar] No outside food in the park either! Company policy. [snapping fingers]
[Two guards grab Bubble Bass's arms.]
Patrick: Take him away, boys. [drinks jar of pickles]
Bubble Bass: [being carried away] Let me go! Let me go! I'm giving Patrick Star Land a zero star review!
Cecil: [looking around] There's gotta be some way to get through this line faster. [gasps, sees the silhouettes of the family] Family! They'll let me into the house. [pushes through the line] Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through. [crawls over them] Don't mind me. Watch your head.
Olive guard: [turns around to see Cecil] Hey, no cutting!
Cecil: [jumps off] Family! I'm so happy to see... [shocked] you? [sees that the silhouettes are cardboard cutouts with their faces removed] Oh, no! Someone stole their faces!
Guard: [off-screen] Hey!
Guards: [charging towards Cecil] Back of the line, you line cutter!
Cecil: Uh-oh. [hides in Bunny's cutout] I'm sorry, honey. [kisses it]
[The olive guard picks up the Bunny cutout and Cecil appears in the GrandPat one. The purple guard removes it and Cecil appears in the Squidina one. The olive guard throws it and Cecil appears in the Patrick one.]
Guards: Now we got you!
[They remove the cutout to see a kid with Cecil's mustache in his place.]
Mustached kid: [crying]
[A mom and dad with the same mustaches are seen, with the dad holding a camera.]
Mustached dad: [angry] Great job, you two. My son's been looking forward to that photo all day!
[Balloons, some with Patrick's face, transition to two kids sliding down a waterslide and into a pool. A fat kid slides in and gets stuck. Bedroom Door opens and Squidina comes in on the scooter, still leading the tour.]
Squidina: This is our final stop, and we saved the best for last.
[The water pressure in the slide builds up and launches the fat kid, with the other too, forward.]
Kids: Whoa!
[A kid is taking a picture of another with a paper mache SpongeBob. The water washes them all away. Squidina stops the cart.]
Squidina: Watch your step and brace yourselves for... [gestures to a screen]
[Patrick is shown on a Max Headroom-style screen, wearing a suit and dark glasses. Abstract colored lines and shapes appear behind him.]
Patrick: [on screen] The Patrick Star Experience, where you're th-th-the star and a P-P-Patrick.
Slappy: [eyes enlarge] Wow!
[Squidina shows a rack of four Patrick costumes.]
Squidina: First, put on your official Patrick Show Land Patrick suit.
Three fish: [put them on] Oh!
Slappy: [rams them out of the way] Out of my way! [wears suit, shivers] It's like I'm wearing his skin. [laughs]
Squidina: [pushes him] Let's get a move on. [pushes him onto stage] Here comes Patrick Star. It's showtime. But what will you do for the audience? Time for an idea brick. [pulls a lever]
Slappy: [gets hit by a brick] Ugh! Thank you, sir. May I have another? [collapses, groans] Oh, it's nap time.
Squidward: [presses a button on a boombox to play a laugh track, pulls rope to make audience cutouts wave their arms] This is the most mind-numbing 25¢ an hour I've ever made.
Squidina: [puts glue on Slappy's back] Another great show. And now Patrick's favorite part of the day, bedtime. [presses a remote, the floor launches beneath Slappy and he gets glued to Patrick's bed]
Slappy: [with tears of joy] You know what, folks? Dreams really do come true. [sobbing]
[A sign with Patrick transitions to Cecil in the line, now with a long beard.]
Cecil: Ugh. This line is taking forever. I've turned all old and gray.
Purple fish: Hey, give me back my novelty GrandPat beard! [rips it off]
Cecil: Ow!
Purple fish: [fastens it] That thing cost me 40 bucks!
Cecil: I'm over waiting in line! Time to go under it! [digs underground, grunts]
People in line: [exclaiming as Cecil digs under them]
Cecil: [pops up beneath a kid]
Kid in line: Whoa!
Cecil: Phew! Now, where was I?
Squidward: [reading a magazine] Next? Next in line?
Cecil: [looks around] I guess that's me. [jumps out] Hot dog. [walks to the door] Finally, home sweet... [the house starts rotating as he reaches for the doorbell] home, home, home? What-- what the barnacles is going on? [house whirring]
[The house is spinning rapidly. Inside, Bunny operates it with a lever. Patrick and Squidina are spinning on the wall.]
Squidina: Let's not forget Patrick Land's greatest thrill ride, the Twirl and Hurl.
Patrick: And every rider gets a [takes out full puke bag] "compinentary" Patrick puke bag.
Fred: [face is green, retches]
Blue kid: [takes out brass knuckles, shakes fist at Fred]
Kids: Don't you dare! [yelling, to Bunny] Faster! Faster!
[Bunny pulls the lever so hard that it breaks off.]
Bunny: Oh! Oh, my.
[Patrick and Squidina are spun so hard that they press further against the wall. The house comes loose and flies into the air, to the other side of the line. Everyone turns around, leaving Cecil at the back of the line.]
Cecil: [strains, angry] Ugh, I'm at the end of the line again. I know how to pass the time! [hits himself with a mallet] Yip-oy. [groans]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many amusements later...
[It is the middle of the night. Patrick Show Land is gone, and everyone has cleared out. Trash covers the floor. Cecil gets hit with a Patrick poster and sits up.]
Cecil: [groans] How long have I been out? Say, where is everybody? [groans, walks home] Well, at least there's no one to stop me from going home. [walks away from the door and into the TV studio, grunts, slips on a can of glue] Huh? [reads it] Cans of expired glue? [horse neighing] This stuff lost its stickiness back when I was in diapers.
[Slappy falls from the ceiling.]
Slappy: Bliss...
[The lights turn on.]
Bunny: Cecil, where have you been?
[The rest of the family come in, wearing their night clothes. Patrick is drinking from a cup designed like his face.]
Cecil: Boy, you wouldn't believe the day I had, honey. I'm just pleased as pickle punch to finally be [hugs Bunny] home with my wife, [hugs GrandPat] my dad...
GrandPat: Ugh...
Cecil: [hugs Squidina] My daughter...
Squidina: Aww..
Cecil: [hugs Patrick] My son...
Patrick: [slurps drink]
Cecil: [hugs Slappy, who is still in the Patrick suit] My other son...
Slappy: [blushes] Ooh! I love you, too, Dad.
[Everyone else who had been stuck to the ceiling falls down, wearing Patrick suits.]
Cecil: I love all these sons!
[Some fish fall down from the ceiling.]
Falling fish #1: Aah!
Cecil: And that one!
Falling fish #2: Whoa!
Cecil: And that one!
Falling fish #3: Aah!
Cecil: And that one!
Falling fish #4: Oh!
Cecil: And that one!
[The lights inside the house turn off.]