Pearl Wants to Be a Star/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Pearl Wants to Be a Star/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a shot of Mr. Krabs' house.]
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, what's taking so long?
[Pearl runs around in her room, packing stuff into a suitcase.]
Pearl: Oh, I can't decide! Which tutu? Orange, or green? Okay, both! [Pearl puts the tutus in the suitcase, and then she runs and picks up swords] Swallowing swords! [she runs again, but this time to her closet] I can't find my sousaphone! Better bring these instead! [she throws out instruments] Now, where did I put my possessed ventriloquist dummy? [A dummy comes running up] Oh, no, you don't! [jumps and crushes it]
Dummy: No, I don't want to- [Pearl puts the dummy in her suitcase] Is that a sword? Ouch! [Pearl shuts her suitcase]
Mr. Krabs: [knocks on door] Pearl, let's go! I'm already late for me game day with GrandPat! And me loot sack is getting hungry!
[Mr. Krabs tickles an empty brown bag.]
Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna feed you all me winnings! Oh, hee-hee-hee-hee!
[The bag barks and pants happily.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hee-hee-hee-hee!
[Pearl opens the door, knocking Mr. Krabs over.]
Mr. Krabs: Ouch!
[Pearl runs to the stairs and calls back to Mr. Krabs.]
Pearl: Daddy, let's go! I'm late for my big debut!
[Mr. Krabs groans and slinks away.]
[Cut to the outside of Patrick's house. An audience cheers as energetic music plays. Patrick is on stage, dressed in a safari outfit and whipping a robot. Pearl and Mr. Krabs are at the front door.]
Pearl: Oh, no! They started without me!
[Mr. Krabs rings the doorbell. GrandPat answers.]
GrandPat: About time you showed up, Krabs. You know why the navy is always late? They gotta wait for the tides to wash them ashore!
Mr. Krabs: [groans] You marines are a department of the navy, you know!
GrandPat: Yeah, the men's department! [laughs]
[Mr. Krabs is frustrated. Pearl gets impatient.]
Pearl: Excuse me, your wall of lame is in my way.
[She runs through them. In the house, Squidina is activating a board full of levers, buttons, and dials.]
Squidina: Bring up camera three, and start the music cue in three, two, one.
[She notices Pearl and gasps happily, throwing off her headset. They run up to each other, giggling, jumping, and holding hands.]
Pearl: Squidina, thanks so much for inviting me to be on Patrick's show. I'm so excited!
Squidina: Of course. I hope you're ready. [pulls curtains] As soon as he's done with his bit you're on.
[Squidina runs off, giggling. Patrick is on stage, wearing a blue baby bonnet and a diaper.]
Patrick: Baby wants his baba! [crying]
[Squidina cranks a lever that releases a giant baby bottle from a rubber band. Patrick catches it in his mouth, drinks all the milk, burps, and laughs. The audience cheers. Pearl closes the curtains.]
Pearl: Today I'm going to be a star!
Patrick: [walks off-stage] Thank you!
Squidina: Okay, Pearl. You've got 30 seconds to fill while Patrick changes his costume.
[Patrick is grunting and trying to put a pair of jeans over his head.]
Squidina: Okay, maybe 45 seconds. [pushes Pearl on-stage] Ladies and gentlemen, making her big "Patrick Show" debut, it's Pearl!
[Squidina runs off. Pearl stares at the audience, and they stare back at her. Pearl gulps, opens her suitcase, and takes out some juggling balls. She juggles, and the audience remains unimpressed. Pearl adds even more balls, and the audience is still bored: some members take phone calls while another yawns. Pearl reaches for another ball, but grabs Ouchie by mistake.]
Pearl: Ouch! [juggles Ouchie] Ouch! Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ahhh!
[Pearl messes up, and the balls hit her on the head. She falls off-stage and screams. The audience is confused. A chef hat slides on-stage, and Patrick pops up from under it.]
Patrick: Bonjour!
[The audience cheers for Patrick. Meanwhile, Pearl cries in the back room. Squidina bails her tears through the window.]
Pearl: Squidina, I don't think they liked me.
Squidina: That was pretty terrible. Don't worry. When Patrick is done you'll have another chance to fail, I mean, bail. I mean, wow them.
[Pearl cries harder, and Squidina collects her tears in a bucket. Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs and GrandPat are playing cards.]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. You got any swabbies?
GrandPat: Get sunk!
Mr. Krabs: [groans and draws a card]
GrandPat: You know, back in the service, I didn't have time for silly games. [a thought bubble shows a grayscale war scene of fish hiding in a trench] Why, once I took out a whole nest of enemy soldiers all on my own.
[A younger GrandPat jumps into the trench, rips off his shirt, and spins around to punch the enemies. He stands atop the soldiers as fireworks blare. Mr. Krabs tears through the thought bubble.]
Mr. Krabs: Nest of soldiers? More like a nest of urchins, I'll bet!
[He leaves the flashback, and the soldiers GrandPat is standing on turn into urchins. He falls on them and yells in pain.]
Mr. Krabs: Besides, that ain't nothing compared to the time I took out three battleships single-clawed-edly!
[Mr. Krabs' thought bubble shows three ships with angry faces painted on them. Mr. Krabs' ship is a smiling whale. He fires a cannon on board, then jumps into the barrel. It launches him on a piece of artillery, as he hollers and waves his cap in the air. The bullet pierces the three ships, sinking them, and lands in the ocean. Mr. Krabs surfaces in the water.]
Mr. Krabs: [cheering] Navy!
[GrandPat breaks through the fantasy, changing the scene to static with a TV remote, then Mr. Krabs sitting in a small bathtub.]
Mr. Krabs: Hogwash! The only ships you ever sank were your baby bath toys.
[The ships sink into the water. The bubble dissolves.]
GrandPat: You got any yeomen?
Mr. Krabs: Get sunk!
GrandPat: [lays cards down] Heh-heh. Three bosuns and a skipper! That's a full poop deck, Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, sorry, old man. [lays cards down] Five admirals! I win!
[Mr. Krabs laughs and takes all the raised goods in his bag.]
GrandPat: That's not fair. I ain't finished with you yet, you whippersnapper! We're playing another game! Double or nothing!
[Back on Patrick's show, Patrick is using cooking utensils to prepare something off-screen.]
Patrick: We fold in the egg whites, [throws away fork and grabs nutmeg] add a dash of nutmeg, [throws away nutmeg and spoon] and voilà!
[The camera zooms out to show Patrick standing in front of a mini-boatmobile.]
Patrick: That's how you rotate the tires on your boat!
[The audience cheers. Patrick gets in the boat and drives around the stage, then past Squidina, who is standing atop the curtains. She yells down at Pearl.]
Squidina: Okay, Pearl, you're up again.
[Pearl is struggling to rollerblade, and spins rapidly.]
Pearl: What if it doesn't go well?
Squidina: We just gotta get back on that seahorse! [spins Pearl] Now break a leg! Preferably not your own.
[Pearl presses a button on a boombox to play upbeat disco music. Music notes float past. Pearl rollerblades, but the audience is bored.]
Pearl: Oh, no. I'm losing them again! Better kick it up a notch!
[The music goes faster as Pearl does more stunts. She throws herself backwards, causing a stage light to go flying. It drops a sandbag that hits a floorboard, flinging her into the stage screen. Pearl groans.]
Squidina: I see you went for the big finish! [drags Pearl away]
Slappy: Well, at least it ended tragically.
[GrandPat is digging a hole in the front yard. Various holes, wickets, and random objects are scattered around.]
GrandPat: The yard is all set up for a game of Shuffle Stuff. You do remember how to play, don't you, Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Of course, I do. Anything you hit in the hole, [bumps a TV into a hole] you keep.
GrandPat: [takes out ball and mallet] Good. I was worried all that bobbing up and down on navy boats rattled your brains to bits.
[GrandPat's ball goes through a wicket and hits a stack of teacups into a hole.]
Mr. Krabs: Bah. I suffered more than rough seas in the navy. [rolls up his sleeve and flexes his arm, revealing large muscles] I got this bad boy fighting off a pirate boarding party near Malta.
GrandPat: Oh, yeah? [pulls down his pants to reveal a bunch of sucker marks on his butt] Well, I got these charging up Octopus Hill!
Mr. Krabs: Ha! Baby stuff! [pulls up his shirt to show a giant bite taken out of his body] I got this battling Bobbit worms in open waters.
[Mr. Krabs laughs and sets down his ball. After he swings, it bounces off another ball, then hits many items into holes in succession. GrandPat's jaw drops, and the ball roles into his mouth. Mr. Krabs takes his sack and laughs.]
Mr. Krabs: Hee-hee, I win again! Thanks for playing, G.P.!
[GrandPat bites to get his jaw off the floor, then approaches Mr. Krabs.]
GrandPat: Wait! That can't be it! One more game, Krabs! Double or nothing!
[Cut to Pearl crying. Her tears have almost flooded the room. Squidina drives in in Patrick's small boat.]
Pearl: Oh, Squidina, I thought I was gonna be a star, but they won't even remember me enough to hate me!
Squidina: Oh, don't worry. They'll probably remember you enough for that.
[Pearl throws a basketball to Patrick, who is wearing a sports outfit. He dribbles the ball against his head, jumps around it, bounces on the ball across the stage, then bounces it off his buttocks. He spins onto his head and then jumps to dunk the basketball into the hoop, then lands in it headfirst himself. The audience cheers and takes a picture as Patrick waves and laughs, then falls through the hoop.]
Squidina: Oh! That's your cue! I know you can do it this time, Pearl! You're a star!
Pearl: [demotivated] All right. I guess I can humiliate myself one more time. For the show!
[A microphone rises from the center of the stage. Pearl, wearing a purple coat, picks it up and sings into it. The audience is somewhat interested.]
Pearl: [singing] I'm a blue whale, here to share my sad whale tale.
[The audience is confused. Mr. Krabs runs past the house, carrying two full bags of stuff.]
Mr. Krabs: Hoo-hoo-hoo, what a haul! [sees Pearl] Ooh! [He drops a bag and goes to watch Pearl.]
Pearl: [singing] When things go all wrong, nothing to do but sing a sad whale song.
[She rips off her coat to reveal a tuxedo. Squidina throws her a hat and cane. She twirls her cane and dances while singing.]
Pearl: [singing] This is a sad song, not a glad song! A feeling bad, kind of mad, not so rad song! [the audience dances] When things have gone wrong, I have just one song! A song for days that are so bad! [Mr. Krabs dances] The worst days that you've ever had!
Mr. Krabs: Woo-hoo! That's my girl!
[Pearl keeps dancing. GrandPat shows up on the roof, dragging a catapult with a grand piano in it.]
GrandPat: Take all my stuff, will you? [calling down] Hey, Krabs! The next game's called Catch the Piano! Double or nothing!
[GrandPat pulls the rope and the piano launches into the air. However, the rope coils around his leg.]
Pearl: [singing] A stubbed my toe song, a fell in snow song! [pulls her pockets out] An out of dough, full of woe, eating crow song! [pulls a picture of a nose with snot coming out of it] A bloody nose song, [pulls up a muddy T-shirt] a muddy clothes song! A feel new lows, ruined shows, guess I froze song!
[The ventriloquist dummy jumps down and sings.]
Dummy: [singing] Yes, she's a sad whale!
Pearl: [singing] I am!
Dummy: [singing] Can you not tell!
Pearl: [singing] I can!
[The dummy floats next to Pearl with a jetpack.]
Dummy: [singing] She just wanted to perform for you, now she feels like she might spew!
Pearl: [pretends to vomit] Blech!
Pearl and dummy: [singing] When you feel down, you got a big frown! [GrandPat is pulled into space] And you can't face anyone from your hometown!
[GrandPat begins falling, then lights on fire from re-entry, and he screams.]
Pearl and dummy: [singing] Yes, when you feel frail and you wanna bail! Don't hit the trail, just inhale! Pull back your veil and sing your sad blue whale song!
[They finish up, laughing as confetti drops.]
Pearl: Thank you. Thank you very much.
[The audience cheers. Mr. Krabs is dancing.]
Mr. Krabs: Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo! [notices something above him] Huh?
[GrandPat screams and crashes into the front lawn. Everyone screams. When the dust settles, there is a giant rater in front of the house.]
Pearl: [coughing] Ohh! Talk about bombing big time! [cries]
[Slappy, hanging from a house's chimney, claps.]
Slappy: Oh, what a catastrophic ending.
[Another fish comes out of a street lamp and cheers.]
Fish: Ooh! Yeah! Yeah!
[Two injured fish sit on a piece of kelp.]
Two fish: Pearl! Pearl! Pearl!
[The other audience members cheer for Pearl. She smiles and giggles. Mr. Krabs comes up to her.]
Mr. Krabs: Pearly, girl, you were amazing! I never knew you had the pipes!
Pearl: You really liked my song, Daddy?
Mr. Krabs: Every second of it. Right up until I got pulverized by the piano.
[Squidina runs up. Patrick is in a wheelchair, with the top of his head exposed and showing a bone.]
Squidina: Congratulations, Pearl! You're a star!
[She gives Pearl a picture of herself smiling in a star frame, and a bouquet of flowers.]
Patrick: Yeah! You should be on tomorrow's show, too!
[The set collapses.]
Squidina: Huh? Maybe we'll call you when the set's rebuilt.
[GrandPat, with piano keys sticking out of his teeth, stumbles up.]
Pearl: I can't wait!
GrandPat: One more game, Krabs! Double or nothing!
[He collapses backwards. The dummy jumps on him and plays the piano keys as the episode ends.]