Plankton and the Beanstalk/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Plankton and the Beanstalk" from season 13, which aired on July 17, 2023.

[The episode starts in a peaceful medieval village. A plankton walks out of a Chum Bucket-shaped cottage, holding a single coin.]
Plankton: Once upon a time, there lived a naive little plankton named Jack. Jack's chum farm had dried up, and he only had one single farthing left to buy food at the market.
Jack: [pulls out a photo of a grandfather clock] Fear not, Karen, my clockwork wife. I will spend our last farthing wisely and save us from starvation!
[Jack kisses the photo of his wife and, not paying attention, bumps into a metal wall.]
Jack: Wah, wah, whee! [sees he just bumped into a vending machine] "Get Rich Now"? "Magic Bean"? Only one farthing? Hmmm. [His sole pupil turns into a dollar sign] Ka-ching! [laughs maniacally and pushes his coin into the slot]
[The vending machine flashes lights and a bean Jack's height pops out.]
Jack: Uh-oh.
[Jack gets crushed by the bean and is knocked all the way to his cottage.]
Jack: [opens the cottage door] Oh, Karen! I hit the jackpot!
Clockwork Karen: Thank King Neptune. Did you get plenty of food and varnish?
Jack: [jumps onto a barrel next to Clockwork Karen] Better than that, I got a magical bean!
Clockwork Karen: [turns clock hands in confusion] What?! What do you do, boil it?
Jack: You don't eat it, it's magic!
Clockwork Karen: Oh, Jack, I can't believe you blew our last penny on a stupid bean! [facepalms] Well, I still need varnish, but I'm not gonna let you go hungry. Open wide.
Jack: I told you, you don't eat it! It's--
[Clockwork Karen shoves the bean into Jack's mouth and his stomach expands greatly.]
Jack: Well, I'm full. [starts barfing out a beanstalk that propels him out of the cottage and into the sky] I told you so, Karen!
Clockwork Karen: There he goes, anything to win an argument!
[The beanstalk continues to grow from Jack's mouth until it stops at the height of the clouds. Jack spits out the stalk.]
Jack: I don't care if they are good for my heart! I'm never eating another bean. [looks behind and sees a castle] Huh? Ye Old Krusty Krab? [hops over to the door] Maybe someone there can make me rich.
[Jack almost walks inside when a SpongeBob laugh comes from behind the door.]
Jack: [gasp] Sounds like someone is choking to death! [runs into the castle] Don't worry, I'll save you!
[Jack runs all the way to the nearby hallway and turns around. A goose-like SpongeBob is laughing and looking at himself in the mirror. He turns to his right and he and Jack make eye contact. The goose then starts skipping over to Jack.]
Jack: Whoa! Galloping goose flesh!
[Jack tries his best to run away. He finds a hole in the ground and hops right into it. the goose pops his head in and throws Jack into the air.]
Jack: I meant well, Karen!
[The goose chomps Jack whole. Jack pops up through his nostril.]
Jack: Watch where you're pecking, you foul-feathered freak. [slaps the goose's eye]
[The goose laughs it off. A quake startles both of them.]
Jack: What the? [looks to his left] Huh?
[A Mr. Krabs-shaped shadow starts entering the room. Jack runs down the goose's neck and hides in one of his holes.]
Giant Krabs: [stomping] Fee, fi, fo, fite! I smell the blood of a Bottomite! [smells around]
SpongeGoose: [lets out a fart]
Giant Krabs: [turns around] Oh, it's just you, SpongeGoose. [fans himself with his hand] Whoo-hoo. I have to stop feeding you people food. [laughs]
SpongeGoose: [laughs along]
Giant Krabs: [grabs SpongeGoose] Be a good goose and lay some Krabby Patties on me! [places SpongeGoose into his nest]
Jack: [pops out of SpongeGoose's hole to observe]
Giant Krabs: [pulls out SquidHarp] Magic harp, do your thing! [starts strumming SquidHarp's tentacle strings]
SquidHarp: ♪ Ow ow ow ow ow, ow ow ow ow ow ow... ♪
Jack: [shakes in disgust] Horrible.
[SpongeGoose hears the music, gets up, and starts dancing along. Jack falls off SpongeGoose's body and gets crushed several times by SpongeGoose's feet. Suddenly, SpongeGoose stops dancing and starts crouching.]
SpongeGoose: It's ready! It's ready! It's ready!
[Jack tries to get up, but he is immediately crushed by a golden Krabby Patty that SpongeGoose lays. Giant Krabs picks it up.]
Giant Krabs: [dancing] Edible gold, edible gold, edible gold! [takes a bite of the patty]
[Jack gets up again, and avoids the next golden Krabby Patty. He takes a look at it's reflective exterior.]
Jack: I'm rich! [hugs the golden Krabby Patty] Thank you, magic bean!
Giant Krabs: [looks inside the nest] Oh, don't mind if I do.
[Giant Krabs starts to reach for the new patty, but it moves away from the nest.]
Giant Krabs: [grabs the patty] Who disturbs me inner sanctum?
[Giant Krabs sees Jack on the bottom of the golden Krabby Patty and growls.]
Jack: [nervously laughs] Crazy weather, huh? Yipe!
[Jack tries to run away, but Giant Krabs uses his claw to block and catch him.]
Giant Krabs: Gotcha! [dangles Jack with his claw] Whether you're caged or whether you're loose, I'll feed ya to me golden goose!
[SpongeGoose opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue. Giant Krabs holds Jack over his mouth.]
Jack: No! Not the goose!
[Giant Krabs drops Jack and SpongeGoose gulps him up. Jack falls down SpongeGoose's throat.]
Giant Krabs: [laughs] I'll have a solid gold pipsqueak... [pulls out his sundial watch] ...in about 4 hours.
Jack: [pops out of SpongeGoose's bottom] Peek-a-boo!
Giant Krabs: What!?
Jack: [jumps onto SpongeGoose's neck and grabs his cloak] Giddy up, galloping gooseflesh! Hya!
[Jack whips the cloak and SpongeGoose runs away from his nest. Giant Krabs tries to stop them, but SpongeGoose jumps in between his eyes. SpongeGoose squeezes under the entrance door and runs away from the castle while dropping golden Krabby Patties. Giant Krabs crashes through his door and chases SpongeGoose and Jack to the beanstalk. SpongeGoose rides it down as Giant Krabs can only look down. As SpongeGoose and Jack ride down the beanstalk, they slip off and start falling to the ground.]
Jack: [whimpers] Abandon goose!
[Jack grabs a golden Krabby Patty and jumps off SpongeGoose. Just before he hits the ground, SpongeGoose flaps his wings and breaks his fall. Jack falls straight into the ground and is crushed by his golden patty.]
Jack: [gets up with SpongeGeese circling his head] I forgot geese can fly.
[Jack is caught off-guard as he sees Giant Krabs climbing down the beanstalk.]
Jack: Alright, enough of this storybook stuff. [pulls out a laser] It's laser time, baby!
[Jack activates his laser and it cuts down the base of the beanstalk.]
Jack: Timber! [maniacally laughs]
[The beanstalk tips over and Giant Krabs drops his weapon to hang on.]
Giant Krabs: Ok, you can keep the goose! [falls off the beanstalk and lands on Jack's cottage, destroying it]
Jack: Oh no. Karen!
Clockwork Karen: [rolls behind him] Jack! Look what you did to our house!
Jack: I just slayed a giant for ya, you wanna lay off?!
[A storybook with the word "Later" is shown.]
French Narrator: Later...
[The storybook flips over to the next page, which is actually the next scene, where Clockwork Karen and Jack are selling golden Krabby Patties inside Giant Krabs' shell to everyone in the village. SpongeGoose is next to them dancing for the audience.]
Clockwork Karen: [hands a golden Krabby Patty to a customer] There you go.
Jack: Bon appétit, sir!
Clockwork Karen: You were right, darling. That bean was magic! [kisses Jack]
Jack: [squeezes his cheeks in glee and faces his next customer] And what can I get for you on this magical day, my good sir?
[Jack's belt falls down as he realizes who he's talking to: Giant Krabs without his shell.]
Giant Krabs: [embarrassed] Um, I'd like a double gold patty combo, please?
Jack: No shirt, no shoes, no shell, no service! Take a hike, tiny.
Giant Krabs: [groans]
[The camera irises out on Giant Krabs and the episode ends.]