Procrastination/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Procrastination" from season 2, which aired on October 19, 2001.

Mrs. Puff: Okay, class, quiet, quiet! Now, get out your pencils and paper and write down the assignment. [class groans]
SpongeBob: [leans towards Nat] Did you hear that?! We get an assignment!
Mrs. Puff: Everyone must write an essay on what not to do at a stoplight. [class groans again]
SpongeBob: [again leaning towards Nat] Did you hear that?! What not to do at a stoplight!
Mrs. Puff: In no less than eight hundred words! [squeals excitedly; class groans again]
Nat: [mocking SpongeBob] Didja hear that?! Eight hundred words!
SpongeBob: [excitedly] Yeah, I know! [Nat frowns]
Mrs. Puff: Due tomorrow. And remember, class: work hard, and no goofing off.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house.]
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob is sitting at his desk] Okay, Gary, no goofin' off! I am about to write the greatest essay of all time. Like most great essays, it will be written on... paper. [places paper on his desk] Even more important than the paper is... [holds up a pencil] the pencil. A pencil as sharp or as dull as I like. [to pencil] Hm, funny... as my ideas grow, you shrink. [kisses the pencil as little hearts fly out of it] Well, I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [looks out window; it's colorful outside] Okay, here we go! [begins writing] "What... not... to do... at... a... stoplight." Hey, this is easy! [writing] "By SpongeBob SquarePants." Hah! This essay is pure gold. And now, pencil, get ready to do your stuff, because here we go! [SpongeBob's clock is shown. Several hours pass and he has still only written those words] Gee, this is harder than I thought... [SpongeBob looks outside, where everyone is having fun]
Patrick: [applies lotion on Sandy's shoulders] Come on, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob goes back to his desk]
SpongeBob: It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super sailorific, sunshiny day! [groans] But I must press onward! Because with this pencil, and the completion of this essay... I'll be one step closer to my driver's license! [a live-action drag race is shown; a car hits a wall, tumbles and gets back up. The imagination starts] Oh, yeah... This'll be no problemo. Why, I've got plenty of time. It's only six o'clock. Okay... Okay, here we go... Here we go. [struggles to write] I know! I just need to get a little blood pumpin' in the old noodle. How about some calisthenics?
[SpongeBob does calisthenics. While doing it, he recites "hup-hoo" several times, with his nose and eyelashes doing it too.]
SpongeBob: I can feel those juices pumpin' now! [moves his chair closer to the table; he squeaks his chair back and forth over and over. He then laughs, then gasps in realization] What am I doing?! I've gotta write that paper! [pushes his chair in] Come on, pencil, make words...
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary! Hey, hey, hey, Gary! How's my favorite mollusk? How about you let ol' SpongeBob fix you up somethin' to eat?!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What do you mean, you're not hungry?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I know I have an essay to write! Now come on, Gary! [grabs Gary by his shell and pours him some food. He climbs up a ladder and fills his bowl to ceiling-level] I've gotta make sure you get your nutrition, so I'm not leaving until you eat every single bite. [Gary quickly eats it all; SpongeBob stutters] Gary, are you sure you don't want some crème brûlée? Or some chocolate-flavored algae bits? [steps on Gary's food] Gee, Gary sure made a mess. I can't work on my essay knowing there's a mess in the kitchen! [cleans it up using himself as a mop] Hmm... I might as well clean the rest of the floor while I'm at it. [shows SpongeBob cleaning various areas of his kitchen] I should get these hard-to-reach places too! And these dishes need to be cleaned! Can't have dirty garbage. [sprays the garbage can] Welp, I think it's clean enough now! [kitchen is shown to be sparkling chrome] Why, that didn't take too long! It's only... ten o'clock?! [groans] No more foolin' around! I've gotta get back to work! [walks to his desk] Okay, Mr. Essay, I say... prepare to be written! [the tip of his pencil is shown approaching the paper like a diving fighter plane, and finally makes contact with it] I'm doing it! I'm doing it! [timelapse begins] Yeah... yeah! Yeah! [poking paper with pencil] And some of these, and some of these... [zooms on SpongeBob's face] Almost there, and...! [finishes writing; the tip of the pencil is smoking] Done. Now lets see how it looks so far. [straightens papers] "The..." [shows he has only written the word "The" in fancy lettering] Break time! Pacing always helps me think. Let's see, only seven hundred ninety-nine words to go... Think, SpongeBob, think! [looks at the telephone. Cut to Patrick in bed, snoring. The phone rings and he wakes up]
Patrick: [startled gibberish, picks up phone] Hello?
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Whatcha up to?
Patrick: ...Sleeping.
SpongeBob: That's really fascinating! Are you havin' a good sleep? Any dreams you'd like to discuss? I remember on the--
Patrick: [interrupts] SpongeBob, you and I both know that you're just using me as a distraction so you don't have to write your essay.
SpongeBob: [gasps, stuttering] That is not true! I called to have an engaging conversation with you!
Patrick: Well, I'm listening.
SpongeBob: Uh... Marco!
Patrick: Polo. [hangs up]
SpongeBob: Yeah, well, I gotta get going, Patrick. [glares] Got an important essay to write. [hangs up phone] Sheesh, what a chatterbox. Can't he see that I'm busy? [back to his desk with eraser shavings on the page] I can't write with all these eraser shavings all over my paper! [swats the shavings away but they float above the paper] Now they're floating around my thinking space. [blows them away] So long, pesky particles! [the shavings angrily float back to SpongeBob . As he struggles to wave them away, he swallows one in the process] I swallowed one! I'm choking! Water, water! [runs to the kitchen and drinks] That was a close one!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What do you mean "overly dramatic", Gary? [rubs his tummy] All that choking sure made me hungry.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I can't write on an empty stomach, Gary. I gotta have my brain food! [opens the refrigerator] Now, let's see... white or rye bread... or pumpernickel. Gee, I guess it really depends on the meat inside... and the cheese. [doorbell rings] A visitor?! For me?! [opens the door to meet Norton the Mailfish] Hello!
Norton: Package for Mr. SquarePants.
SpongeBob: Great, thanks! So, uh, you like delivering mail?
Norton: It puts bread on the table.
SpongeBob: Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]
Norton: Oh, brother.
SpongeBob: So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...
Norton: Don't you have a paper to write? [walks away]
SpongeBob: [gulps; zooms in on his face] How did he know I'm supposed to be writing an essay? [looks around suspiciously; slides backward into his house]
Realistic Fish Head: [on TV] In other news, local resident SpongeBob SquarePants only has a few hours left to complete his essay, and yet he continues to goof off. [head sticks out of the screen] When will he learn?
SpongeBob: [screams; karate chops the TV causing a zap and glass breaking sounds. Lights a candle]
Chair: Hey, SpongeBob, over here! Come on, take a seat. Put your feet up and relax.
SpongeBob: [gasps; a bell rings] Oh, no! Midnight! [runs through a hallway of clocks; all of the alarms ring] Must... get... back to... desk! [runs to the table, but it has enlarged. He jumps up on the chair] Whew, that was a close call. [notices his pants are missing; he screams] My pants!
Pants: Yoo-hoo! Down here!
SpongeBob: You get up here! I've got to get back to work!
Pants: [runs out of SpongeBob's Pineapple to the door] Freedom!
SpongeBob: [runs out the door] Stop, pants! You get back here this instant! Pants...! [door closes, SpongeBob yelps. He tries to get back in, but it is locked. He looks in the window. The clock spins, breaks, and comes to life]
Snail Clock: [ghostly voice] Time's up, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [gasps and shrieks as the flame of the candle comes to life] Burning!
Fire Wick: Only seven hundred ninety-nine words to go! [laughs sinisterly as he burns the essay]
SpongeBob: No! [the fire wick sets his house on fire. He screams] What have I done?! [SpongeBob runs around his house, yelling] Help! Help! My house is on fire! [continues running around his burning house until it comes to life]
SpongeBob's House: SpongeBob, why?! Why did you set me on fire, SpongeBob?! Why didn't you just write your essay?! [wailing] Stop wasting time! [the imagination ends]
SpongeBob: [wakes up] Where's my essay? [notices the paper stuck to his head] Oh, there you are! [laughs] I must have dozed off. [grabs his paper from his head] Lets see, where are we? [the word "The" is still there; he puts the paper down on the desk] Do I dare look at the clock...? [slowly looks at the clock and gasps] It's almost nine o'clock! Class starts in five minutes! How am I gonna write this whole paper in five minutes?! How am I supposed to know what not to do at a stoplight? [realizes] Feeding your snail is something not to do at a stoplight! [begins writing] And making a sandwich... and lighting candles, and drinking water, and calling your friends, and karate chopping the TV, and shootin' the breeze with the mailman, and fallin' asleep, and...
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob running to the boating school.]
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff! I'm finished! All eight hundred words! I'm finished! Here it is! [goes inside, but nobody is there] Mrs. Puff? Where is everybody?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, there you are, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Here you go, Mrs. Puff! Eight hundred words! All about stoplights and what not to do at 'em.
Mrs. Puff: I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I tried to call you... I have to go to a teacher's convention.
SpongeBob: But what about my essay?!
Mrs. Puff: I decided to cancel the assignment. We're just going to take a field trip to a stoplight instead. See you next week!
[Smiling, SpongeBob rips his essay in half, then rips himself in half as the episode ends.]