Rube Tube/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Rube Tube/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[Patrick turns on the radio.]
Radio: Welcome to the The Patrick Show! Today, Patrick Star will defy death in his most dangerous stunt ever!
Patrick: [wraps himself in bubble wrap] It's actually my safest stunt ever. We had to make some changes after what happened in rehearsal. [puts on a helmet] Doctor's orders.
[Camera pans across a series of obstacles]
Radio: First, he will walk across a bed of one hundred flaming--
Patrick: Pillows.
Radio: While simultaneously dodging a series of razor-sharp--
Patrick: Safety scissors.
Radio: Finally, he will dive headfirst into a pool of...
Patrick: Life preservers. [life preservers float up]
Radio: Please, do not attempt this at home!
Patrick: [buckles his helmet] Nothin's gonna go wrong this time. [turns on a light] Okay, audience! You ready? I said, are you-
[Cricket chirp, as there is no one watching.]
Patrick: [blinks] Squidina, where'd you put the audience?
[crickets chirp again as Squidina is not in her director's chair]
Patrick: Where is everybody?
[Squidina walks across the lawn]
Patrick: Hey, Squidina! Don't you usually stand over there [eyes motion to director's chair] when we make a show?
Squidina: I'm not doing this show with you today, Patrick. After two seasons, we've earned some R&R.
Patrick: Oh. Okay. [tosses aside the lighter]
[The TV stage bursts into flames as Squidina walks away.]
Squidina: Man, I am so ready for a day off. [the TV stage crashes to the ground] No worries, no responsibilities and no fires to put out. [a firetruck rolls by behind her]
Rube: [speaking to no one with a spatula as a microphone] Did you know that some scientists even study sand? Isn't that just amazing!
Squidina: What the..?
Rube: You never know whatcha might find down there. Let's take a looksie! [Rube puts a magnifying glass to the sand, revealing many shells and sea creatures.] Golly! Would ya look at that? [points to a long, grainy specimen] This one's a spittin' image of my great aunt Margaret. May she rest in peace.
Squidina: Hey, Rube. Watcha doin'?
Rube: Well howdy there, Squidina [tips hat] The viewers and I are payin' a visit to the fascinatin' world of sand. [smiles at the camera]
Squidina: [looks where Rube is staring] What viewers? There's no camera, no mic, no crew. [camera zooms out to show the empty landscape]
Rube: [looks around] That's weird. I don't know where they... might've gone off too. [frowns] I guess they forgot about me. [blinks] Oh well, you know what they say! The show must- uh...
Squidina: ...Go on?
Rube: I would if I could remember the rest of the phrase. [moves backward]
Squidina: Well, it is my day off. But... oh well, what the heck? I'll be your crew! [pulls out a camera and microphone]
Rube: Oh gosh, do ya mean it?
Squidina: Sure. [replaces Rube's spatula with her microphone] At least for today. [points camera] Now, where should we start?
[Rube is now in front of a lemonade stand run by three children.]
Rube: How about right here?
[Squidina eagerly points her camera in that direction]
Rube: Folks, we found Bikini Bottom's youngest and cutest entrepreneurs. [to the children] Do you use real lemons? Cause your lemonade sure looks real tasty.
[Patrick looks at Rube through his binoculars]
Patrick: That's weird. [takes off his binoculars] Squidina said- [his face morphs into Squidina] 'I'm doing the show today, Patrick,' but there she is. Doing a show without Patrick. And Patrick can tell, because Patrick [punches through the wall, and points at himself from the opposite side of the screen] is this guy right here! [sighs, then presses his face against the glass] What're you doing out there, Squidina?
GrandPat: [sitting on the couch] She's replacing you! Onto bigger, better things. In fact, she's probably already forgotten about you.
Patrick: Forgotten?! About me?
[Patrick heart deflates. A miniature version of himself inside his chest cavity presses button, sounding an alarm. Up in the brain, a larger version of Patrick wearing a cowboy hat and underwear walks in and slaps the brain around. Patrick's eyes start to flash red.]
Patrick: [tearing up] What is this feeling inside my body?!
GrandPat: [dips a potato chip into water] You're in emotional freefall. But! You can turn this around. If you want Squidina to come back to your own show, just commit secret acts of devious sabotage.
Patrick: Salad-tage.
GrandPat: Exactly! [ushers Patrick out the door] Now, get out there and get your show back, boy! [pushes him out]
Patrick: I won't let ya down, GrandPat.
GrandPat: [laughs slyly and slurps down a watered potato chip] Mm-mm! Soggy.
Rube: We're out on beautiful Goo Lagoon, where we've caught ourselves some fresh anglers. [walks up to a fisher] 'Scuce me ma'am, if y'all are fishin' for compliments, then congratulations, cause you're amazing! [holds microphone to her]
Fisherwoman: Oh... kay?
Rube: Say! You mind if I give that fishing rod a whirl?
Patrick: [under the boardwalk wearing a snorkel] Time for some salad-tage!
[sinks into the water]
Rube: [holding the fishing rod] Now how does this thing again? Back, and then a whoopie-do! [casts the line]
[Patrick grabs the line and attaches it to a speedboat]
Patrick: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey! I thought you said this thing was fast!
Boat driver: [thinking the fish next to him said that] Fast? I'll show you fast.
Judy: What?
[The boat rears up and speeds away.]
Fisherwoman: You've hooked a big one, sonny!
Patrick: Bon voyage, Rube. [slings his goggles away. A moment later, his eyes bug out as he sees Rube reeled in the boat]
Squidina: Wow, nice!
Rube: Amazing! But I'm a catch and release kinda guy, so back ya go! [slings the boat back into the water]
Patrick: Uh-oh. [the boat lands on him]
Let's see what else Goo Lagoon has to offer. A rock, the sky, and- [gasps, he sees a muscular fish standing in sunglasses] Who do we have here? Say, whatcha doin' up there, mister?
Lance: V-ball. [makes his fingers into the shape of a V] My man Chance is servin' up match point.
[two muscular fish are standing on one side of a volleyball court, one with a volleyball in his hand]
Rube: Speaking of, Would y'all give me a chance to play?
Chance: Cool with Chance. Lance? [passes volleyball to Lance]
Lance: All good here. Nance? [passes volleyball to Nance]
Nance: I'm into it. Brance? [passes volleyball to Brance]
Brance: Let's see what the little guy can do. [launches the volleyball to Rube with his pecs]
[Rube fails to catch the volleyball]
Rube: Oopsie! [the volleyball rolls into a tent] A little help, if you're in there!
Patrick: [grinds down his head into a needle-sharp point] You got it, mister. I'll give you a little help, and a big pointy spike! Right in your microphone! Then your show's over! [pops the volleyball with his head] Plus, I finally get to use my- [Patrick pulls out a plastic bag for a Halloween costume] Net-sport orb Halloween costume! [Patrick comes out of the tent and sucks in all his limbs, making him appear like a volleyball. He rolls to Chance's foot.]
Chance: It's on. [serves the volleyball to Rube]
Rube: Amazing!
[Patrick pokes out his sharpened head, aiming for Rube's microphone.]
Nance: I got it! [hits the volleyball, shattering Patrick's point]
[Patrick is tossed around as a volleyball, getting injured. Lance spikes Patrick into the ground, shattering his spine.]
Rube: Ooh! Match point! [high-fives Lance]
[Patrick pokes his head out of the sand, his face bruised, and his brain exposed.]
Patrick: GrandPat never said salad-tongues would be so painful. I can't do this anymore.
GrandPat: [dressed as a bush] No! You can't give up now! This just calls for a little shift in tactics. [walks toward Patrick] If sabotage isn't your style, then try jealousy.
Patrick: Jealousy?
GrandPat: Show Squidina that you don't need 'er anymore, and she'll come crawlin' back!
Patrick: How?
GrandPat: You'll figure it out! [dematerializes, his bush costume disintegrates into leaves]
Patrick: GrandPat?
[Rube is now riding on a wave with Squidina also on the surfboard.]
Rube: We're hittin' the sludgy swells of Goo Lagoon lookin' for surfers! But the waves are empty, and I don't know why! [they bump into a kraken]
Kraken: Hey, how ya doin'? Fancy bumpin' into you here. Well actually, you bumped into me, OK?
Squidina and Rube: Kraken!
Rube: Say, could I interview you for my TV show?
Kraken: Hey, television! I've been trying to break into the show biz for the past five thousand years. In fact, I've got a funny story about that. It all start when I wa-
Rube: A story? Oh, do tell.
Kraken: Do tell, he says. Oh-ho, I'm tryin' here. It all started when I was a teenage kraken-
Rube: Wow, a teenager. Amazing.
Kraken: Hey, who's tellin' this story: me or you?
Patrick: [sitting behind a desk on a surfboard, riding a wave] Exciting new TV show coming through! With my new director, Old Man Walker! [gestures to Old Man Walker, who is on an adjacent surfboard and struggling to hold on to a large camera]
Old Man Walker: Can I have my walker back now?
Squidina: New director?
Kraken: Hey! Can a sea monster finish a story here or what?
Patrick: Sure thing, Krackers. Right after you answer these questions for my new show.
Kraken: Ah boy, I tell ya. I can't get a word in edgewise. And it's makin' me irate! [roars]
[The kraken swallows Patrick, Rube, Squidina, and Old Man Walker and the two fall into his digestive fluid.]
Rube: [floating on his back and swimming through the fluid] Well folks, here we are in the pit of a stomach, and boy, what a stomach it is.
[Patrick and Squidina are floating on a piece of wood]
Squidina: So that's it? Replacing me? With Old Man Walker?
Patrick: Yep! Just like you replaced me with Rube.
Squidina: What are you talking about? I'm not replacing you with Rube.
Patrick: You're not?
[The raft hits "land." Rube is pouring digestive fluids out of his hat.]
Squidina: No! I'm just helping the guy out. I felt bad for him because he lost his-
Rube: My crew!
[Three skeletons with filming equipment are shown on the other side of the cave.]
Squidina: [gasps]
Rube: Y'all don't look so good. In fact, you look... like you could use something to eat!
[The skeleton crew look at each other.]
Skeleton 1: Yes! Sounds good.
Skeleton 2: I could go for a bite.
Skeleton 3: I skipped breakfast.
Rube: Well, say no more. Lunch is on me. Thanks for your help Squidina [Hands her back her microphone and winks. He walks together with his skeleton crew] Gosh, I thought y'all forgot about me. Turns out, you were just being digested in the stomach of a kraken. [They walk into a half digested ship]
Patrick: [to Squidina] I'm sorry I committed secret acts of devious salad-tongues against you. I really thought you were replacing me.
Squidina: Patrick! You're my brother! I couldn't replace you if I tried! [The two hug while the audience, a pirate skeleton, and Old Man Walker aww at them]
[The kraken's stomach grumbles.]
Kraken: [rubs his stomach] Ohh, I don't feel so good. It's like I ate something overly sweet and uhh... [smacks lips] saccharine. [his stomach grumbles again and he barfs everyone out]
Patrick and Squidina: Bye, Rube!
Rube: Bye, Patrick! Buh-bye Squidina!
Old Man Walker: [screams] Hey, my walker!
[GrandPat is at home eating potato chips.]
GrandPat: [pulls out a big potato chip] I've been savin' you for last, big mama! Come to Papa!
[Patrick and Squidina fall through the roof on top of him]
Squidina: Oh, we're home.
Patrick: It all worked out in the end!
Squidina: Y'know Patrick, there's still time to do a show today! [holds the microphone towards him]
Patrick: [takes it] Only I can work with my favorite director. And sister. [hugs her]
Pirate skeleton: Aww...
GrandPat: [pops out from under the rubble] Y'all make me sick! [pulls down a black tarp reading "The End!"]