Single-Celled Defense/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Single-Celled Defense" from season 14, which aired on November 2, 2023.

[The episode opens with Plankton, wearing a red hat and holding a shopping bag, exiting the Chum Bucket.]
Plankton: [kicks door open, grunts] All right, Karen. I'm off to go shopping. [whistles, a pink fish steps on him] Oh!
Pink fish: [lifts up her foot] Uh... ew! What is that?
Plankton: [groaning, fish rubs him on a rock] Ahh! Ahh! [fish walks away, groans]
[Bubble transition to Plankton walking down a street, next to an alley.]
Plankton: [grumbling]
[A shady-looking fish comes out of the alley.]
Shady salesman: Psst!
Plankton: Huh?
Shady salesman: Hey, over here.
Plankton: [walks next to him, avoids eye contact] So, uh, you got the goods?
Shady salesman: Of course. [opens coat, revealing some weapons] I always deliver. [hands a small ray gun to Plankton.]
Plankton: Hee-hee. [takes the gun] Eee! [hands over the bag, which the salesman takes with tweezers]
Shady salesman: [inspecting money with eye scope and tweezers] Pleasure doing business with you.
Plankton: Likewise, my shady friend. So same time next-- [gets stepped on and yelps]
[Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab. Customers are inside eating Krabby Patties. Plankton weakly enters the restaurant.]
Plankton: [groans while waving the gun] I'm here for the formula. [wobbles] Hand it over, and nobody gets-- [gets stepped on by Bubble Bass and groans]
Bubble Bass: [stretches Plankton] Ew. I seem to have stepped in some revolting substance. No matter. [continues walking while dragging Plankton along the ground]
Plankton: [weakly] Ouch. Ouch.
[Bubble transition back to the Chum Bucket. Plankton crawls under the door, revealing a foot-shaped imprint on his back.]
Plankton: [groaning] Honey, I'm home.
Karen: [comes in and picks up Plankton with a brush and dustpan] Tough day at work, dear?
Plankton: [folds arms] Yes. Everybody stepped on me again.
Karen: [shows sad face] Oh. [extends hand from her head] Well, I know what'll cheer up my little man. [shows a small disco outfit on a hanger] Let's dance those blues away.
Plankton: Oh, boy!
[Cut to the outside of a dance club shaped like a disco ball. An airhorn blares. Inside, Karen, in a red dress, and Plankton, in his Ray-Ray outfit, are dancing.]
Karen: Oh, yeah! Go, Sheldon. Ha-ha!
Plankton: You were right, Karen, [wiggles arms] I feel better already! [jumps] I've got [strikes pose] boogie fever! [a shoe stomps on him, he groans]
Karen: We haven't [Plankton gets squished by a waltzing couple] danced like this since our wedding night.
[An orange fish jumping and dancing squashes Plankton.]
Fish: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!
[A conga line of fish pass by and step on Plankton. When they leave, he is nowhere to be seen.]
Karen: [looks at the floor] Plankton? [shows worried face] Oh, no. [goes to two fish] Pardon me. Pardon me. [lifts their feet] Plankton? [picks up Scooter's foot] Plankton, are you there, sweetie? Excuse me.
Scooter: [falls on his butt] Ohh!
[A fish is breakdancing with Plankton's eye near his feet. Karen grabs his leg and looks at it.]
Karen: Plankton? [grunts] There you are. [takes his eye] Huh. At least part of you.
Plankton: [eyeball forms a mouth] That's it! I'm not getting stepped on anymore! Take me to my lab!
Karen: Sure... [quick laugh] But let's find the rest of you first.
[Bubble transition to the Chum Bucket. Plankton hammers something twice, puts on a mask and blowtorches it, throws it away and causes an explosion, and laughs. He puts on a spiked helmet. He jumps onto an X mark painted under a metal boot.]
Plankton: Foot Deterrent, Version 1.1, commence test.
[The boot stomps Plankton and ]
Plankton: [groans] Not quite there.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many versions later...
[Plankton stands on the X with a laser attached to his helmet.]
Plankton: Foot Deterrent, laser thingy. [sighs] Might as well get this over with.
[The foot stomps him. A laser blasts through the toe of the foot. It lifts up. The laser smokes, and Plankton is stunned.]
Plankton: What? Yes! I'm invincible! [loses balance] Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh. [falls on his back] Ah! [laser blasts, slicing the Chum Bucket in half, and the hand falls] Ow.
[Bubble transition to Fred walking down the street, whistling. Plankton jumps out of an alley, wearing his laser helmet.]
Plankton: [grunts] All right, time for a field test in T-minus 3, 2, 1.
Fred: [steps on Plankton] Huh?
[A laser comes out and blasts a hole in Fred's foot. He looks down at Plankton.]
Plankton: [laughing]
Fred: My foot! [grabs it, falls over, and scoots away on his back] Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Plankton: [cackles] Take that, you high-stepping ham! Huh?
[Sandy approaches from the other direction, whistling.]
Plankton: Oh, boy. Time to stop those big metal stompers.
[Sandy stops in place. The camera shows a dramatic close-up of her eyes. Sandy jumps around and skillfully dodges Plankton's lasers. She kicks him into the air.]
Sandy: Hiyah!
Plankton: [lands on his back] Oh!
[The laser blasts into the air and evaporates a flower cloud.]
Sandy: [scolding] Plankton, what in tarnation are you doing? You almost barbecued my [points to foot] dang paw!
Plankton: Duh. That was the point. [interested] But hey, what was that [mimes karate] "hiyah" stuff you just did?
Sandy: Well, that was just good, old-fashioned [does karate chops] self-defense. You know, [throws board into the air and kicks it] ka-ra-tay. [kneels down] Looks like you could use a little self-defense too. [points behind her] Why don't you swing by my dome so I can [does karate moves] show you some moves?
Plankton: Anything to stop the stomping! [takes off his helmet and shakes Sandy's finger]
[A laser goes off. Fred, on a gurney, is being taken into an ambulance. The laser blasts through his other foot.]
Fred: [looks at foot] Huh? [weary sigh]
[Bubble transition to a zen garden area outside Sandy's dome. Sandy is wearing a gi over her suit.]
Sandy: [calling] All right, Plankton, come on out.
Plankton: Mmm. [comes out in a yellow gi] I make [spins and poses] this gi look good. [jumps next to Sandy]
Sandy: Now bow to your sensei.
Plankton: Plankton bows to no one! Huh?
Sandy: [tilts Plankton forward with her finger] Hiyah. Good. Now we may begin. We must first gauge your current level of self-defense. [shows a giant shoe on her tail] Think fast!
Plankton: Think wha--? [gets stomped] Ouch! Now I know why they call it a sneaker.
Sandy: Maybe something [takes out flip-flop] a little gentler.
Plankton: [gets hit twice] Whoa! I can't flip like you. Only flop!
Sandy: OK. [takes out bunny slippers] How 'bout these?
[She stomps Plankton three times, the last one getting foam in his mouth.]
Sandy: Huh. Seems like you lack the fundamentals. [leans forward] What you need is some [raises hand] basic training.
Plankton: [spits out foam] Okey-dokey, furry lady.
[Shoes fall down the screen as a transition. Sandy pulls on Plankton's antenna to make him do karate chops. She puts him next to a flipper slipper.]
Plankton: Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah! [hands swell and crack to pieces] Ow.
[Cut to Sandy polishing a shoe, which gleams. Plankton tries to polish his, but falls off the shoe and onto his face.]
Plankton: [grunts, cut to Plankton yelling while karate chopping the flipper slippers] Aaaah!
[Sandy puts shoes into a ball launching machine. Plankton jumps out of the way to dodge one.]
Plankton: [grunts] Ha-ha! [gets hit by another shoe] Augh!
[Cut to Plankton polishing a shoe.]
Plankton: Heh-heh-heh.
[Cut to Plankton in front of a flipper slipper.]
Plankton: Hiyah! [chops it into logs] Hee-hee.
[Plankton shines a shoe. His reflection bows to him. Cut to Sandy meditating and posing on top of a mountain of shoes.]
Sandy: [humming]
[Plankton does the same atop a shoelace.]
Plankton: [humming]
[Shoes fall down the screen, transitioning back to Sandy's zen garden. Sandy is holding a box of baby shoes.]
Sandy: Now that you've mastered the basics, I reckon you're ready to spar with a [shows box] real partner.
[SpongeBob comes out of the box.]
SpongeBob: Hi, Plankton!
Plankton: [uneasy] SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Don't you worry. I'll go easy on ya. [points to his red foam boots] Foam sparring boots.
Plankton: [punching his fist, wearing brass knuckles] I can't promise I'll do the same.
Sandy: Bow to your opponents.
[SpongeBob and Plankton bow to each other.]
Sandy: [rings cowbell] Now fight!
SpongeBob: [poses] Whaaa!
Plankton: [scared] Huh?
SpongeBob: [jumps with his foot out] Yah!
Plankton: [screams, runs away, but gets crushed by the boots and groans]
SpongeBob: [lifts boots] That was pretty good, Plankton. [holds out finger] But remember to keep your guard up.
Plankton: It's no use. I'm just too small to avoid being [puts fist in hand] stepped on.
Sandy: [strokes chin] Hmm. But in karate, your greatest weakness [clasps hands] may also be [flexes] your greatest strength.
Plankton: Yeah. But in "rea-li-tay," that doesn't make any sense!
Sandy: Allow me to demonstrate. SpongeBob, [SpongeBob zooms in] give me the old roundhouse.
SpongeBob: Wah! [spins around and kicks]
Sandy: Your opponent's [grabs SpongeBob's foot] momentum can be used--
SpongeBob: Huh?
Sandy: [slams SpongeBob onto Plankton, and he comes apart] --against them, no matter your size. You OK, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [in pieces] I would bow to you. If I could. Ouch.
Plankton: [comes out of SpongeBob's hole] That was incredible! [takes a stance] Let me try!
Sandy: [points to her head] Visualize the technique. [does motions] Grab, twist, [mimes throwing] and let gravity do the rest.
Plankton: Shut up! You're distracting me!
[The background goes dark. Plankton inhales deeply, and he gains a white outline. He exhales. Sandy's white silhouette is seen moving towards Plankton.]
Sandy: Hwah!
[Plankton catches Sandy's foot. The background snaps back to normal.]
Plankton: Hiyah! [swings Sandy onto SpongeBob]
Sandy: [yelps] Ugh!
Plankton: I did it! In your face, feet! [gong resounds]
[Sandy stands up and smashes her fists together, then bows.]
Sandy: Congratulations, Plankton. But remember, this technique is to be used [points] strictly for self-defense.
Plankton: Oh, of course, Sensei Sandy. [leans in] Uh, wink? [takes off gi] Buh-bye! [laughs]
[Sandy stares ahead with a blank expression.]
SpongeBob: Uh, Sandy? [zoom out to show Sandy standing on him] Could you give me a ride to the hospital?
Sandy: Whoops! [steps off him] Oh, sure, SpongeBob. Heh-heh.
[Cut to Plankton walking down the street.]
Plankton: All right, who's [fight bell rings] looking to rumble? Huh? You!
[Bubble Bass is walking down the street, drinking a cup of soda.]
Plankton: [craks knuckles] Heh-heh. [Bubble Bass steps on him] Hiyah!
[Plankton swings Bubble Bass into the air and throws him face-down into his soda.]
Bubble Bass: [groaning] What unexplained [grabs crushed soda cup] force of nature? [sobbing]
Plankton: [looks at hands] I feel so powerful! [elephant trumpeting] And I can't help but use that power for evil! [cackling]
[Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab. Plankton jumps outside.]
Plankton: Oh, Krabsy? [punches door open] Hyah! I'm home!
[Old Man Walker is carrying a plate with a Krabby Patty. Plankton throws him into a table. Sandals walks by, and Plankton throws him into a support beam. A woman gets tripped by Plankton and her plate of Krabby Patties spill on her.]
Plankton: [cackles] No one can stop me now. [grabs customer's foot] That secret formula will be mine!
[He flips the customer upside down.]
Customer: Whoa, whoa! Ugh!
Plankton: [cackling]
Customer: Plankton?
Anchovy: No, not Plankton!
[Everyone screams and runs away. Squidward, reading a magazine, grasps for a rope. He pulls it and an alarm flashes.]
Plankton: [jumps in front of Krabs' office] I made it. [looks behind him] Huh?
[A ninja swings down from a post. Another pops out of a trash can, and a third comes out of a drink cup. They flip next to Plankton.]
Plankton: Security ninjas? Heh. Krabs thinks of everything. [poses] Bring it on!
[The orange ninja takes out spiked heels, while the green one takes out shoe nunchucks. Plankton makes a beckoning gesture.]
Green ninja: Whaaa! [swings nunchucks]
Plankton: Yah! [throws him away, dodges the spiked heels, and throws another ninja away] Yah!
[Plankton dodges a sharp shoe, looks up, and sees a purple ninja fanning some more shoes. He catches the shoe and throws it back at the ninja, who jumps away. The ninja throws a smoke bomb, obscuring the three ninjas, who reveal themselves with spiky cleats. The camera closes in on Plankton, who squints and growls. He beats up the three ninjas and throws them into Krabs' office, where they disappear in a cloud of smoke.]
Plankton: Knock, knock!
Mr. Krabs: [cowering behind his desk] Plankton! How did you get past me security ninjas?
Plankton: With the art of karate. [looks at his hands] Now that I can defend myself, [points at Krabs] your feet are all doomed!
Krabs: [laughing] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Plankton: [shakes fist] Oh, you won't be laughing once I use my [poses] ultimate foot-stomping finisher! [accordion music]
Mr. Krabs: [walks up to Plankton] Bad news for you, Plankton. I don't have any feet.
Plankton: You what?
[Close-up of Mr. Krabs' stubby legs. The left one has barnacles and the right is covered in bandages. A foghorn blares.]
Plankton: [unimpressed] Just my luck, I guess. [gets stomped and groans]
Mr. Krabs: Hee-hee! The old familiar sting of [lifts foot and shows it to Plankton] "de-feet," aye? [laughs]
[Bubble transition to the hospital. Plankton, heavily bandaged and with a crutch, walks out.]
Plankton: [sighs] Six to eight weeks before I can attack the Krusty Krab again. Oh, well. At least I'm not in traction anymore. [a wheelchair wheel rolls over him] Augh!
[Sandy is pushing a bandaged SpongeBob in a wheelchair.]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! Only six to eight weeks before I can work at the Krusty Krab again! [Sandy pushes him forward]
Plankton: Ouch! Ka-ra-tay is a pain in the-- [gets squished against the road] ouch!