Smartificial Intelligence/transcript
Appearance
This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Smartificial Intelligence" from season 15, which aired on March 7, 2025.
- [Zoom in to a shot of SpongeBob's pineapple. Gary is on the couch, snoring. SpongeBob falls down and Gary gets launched up, spins, and lands upside down. SpongeBob lands and a bowl of popcorn falls into his left hand.]
- SpongeBob: Wake up, Gary! [checks watch] It's time for [shows his watch, which has Perch's hands pointing to 12 and a "BBN" sign] Bikini Bottom News [dings] with Perch Perkins.
- [SpongeBob switches the channel from The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show to static, then BBTV.]
- SpongeBob: [sees Gary upside-down] Oh, good thinking, Gary. [hops on his head] The news can be pretty topsy-turvy.
- Gary: Meow.
- [A Bikini Bottom News title appears, then Perch is seen behind a desk.]
- Perch: Good evening, Bikini Bottom. [grabs a paper] In tonight's top story, a local squirrel got stuck in a well.
- [Sandy is seen upside-down in a well, waving her legs, with firefighters around her.]
- Sandy: Help! Get me out of here, y'all!
- SpongeBob: Must be embarrassing for whoever [points] that is.
- Perch: But first, radical changes in machine intelligence were made today when a local squirrel got stuck in a well!
- [A tall, cylindrical robot walks up and kicks two firefighters away.]
- Firefighters: [yelling]
- [The robot sits over Sandy and ejects her through its top.]
- Sandy: [flying away] Yee-haw!
- Firefighters: [gasp]
- Perch: Looks like we won't be needing those lazy firemen anymore. [laughs, gets paper handed, "This Just In!" appears on the screen] This just in. [reads paper, an image of Perch appears behind him] Local TV news reporter Perch Perkins has been fired.
- SpongeBob and Gary: [spinning, sputtering]
- SpongeBob: Fired?!
- Gary: Meow meow?!
- Perch: [spins, sputters] Fired?! A longtime local news veteran is being replaced by the latest in reporting technology, [headphones pop off] Newsbot 2000, effective immediately?!
- Newsbot: [knocks into Perch] Yes, thank you, Perch.
- [Bodyguards carry Perch away.]
- Perch: You can't do this to me!
- Newsbot: We here at Bikini Bottom News salute you for your years of service.
- [Perch is carried out with a box of his stuff. The guard spins him around to face him.]
- Bodyguard: Sorry, sir, we can't let you leave with any [they throw everything out of the box] company property.
- Perch: [turns box upside down, dust comes out] Can I at least keep the box?
- Bodyguard #2: Of course.
- Bodyguard: [rips off Perch's hair]
- Perch: [screams]
- Bodyguard: But the hair belongs to the studio.
- [He puts the hair on Newsbot, who smiles. The bodyguards and Newsbot walk away.]
- Perch: That wasn't a toupee. [groans, leaves]
- SpongeBob: [sees Perch leaving on TV] This is terrible! [hugs TV] A robot could never replace someone like Perch in our hearts. I won't stand for this! [raises hand, head flips open, takes brain out] I'm gonna give that new studio a piece of my mind.
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob marching outside Bikini Bottom TV, holding a picket sign with Perch.]
- SpongeBob: We want Perch! We want Perch! Bring back Perch!
- [A box moves up to SpongeBob, and Perch stands up, wearing it and holding a ball of chum on a fork as a microphone.]
- Perch: Pardon me, sir. Would you care to tell the folks back home more about your protest?
- SpongeBob: Oh, uh, of course. You see, Perch Perkins is my favorite newsman in the whole ocean. And, uh, wait a second. Perch? Is that you?
- Perch: [looks around, shocked]
- Newsbot: [throws Perch away] No loitering!
- Perch: [screams]
- Newsbot: As a fan of Perch Perkins, [holds out microphone from chest] what do you think about a robot taking his job?
- SpongeBob: You can't just replace someone with a machine! [gives a sign to Pat-Tron] Pat-Tron, take over this protest for me. [runs towards Perch] Perch, come back! We need you!
- Perch: [hiding under the box, runs into alley, panting]
- SpongeBob: [panting, looks around, stops in shock] Oh, no. Old reporter's row, where TV reporters finish out their off-air years.
- [A female reporter, Gale Doppler, the sports announcer, and Gene Scallop are seen, washed-up.]
- Gale Doppler: [raising stick at graffiti weather forecast] Low of 55, high of 72.
- Sports announcer: [holding an ice cream cone and standing in front of a makeshift camera] Our top stories... [ice cream falls off] Back to you, Bob.
- SpongeBob: [yelling, runs through alley] Perch! You don't belong here!
- [The reporters follow him like zombies.]
- Bob: [pops out of a dumpster with a microphone] Do you trust your breakfast cereal?
- Barbara: [comes out of trash can] Is King Neptune's crown too small?
- Purple reporter: [comes out of a manhole] Babies, for or against?
- SpongeBob: [runs behind alley, pants]
- Perch: [off-screen] Here's a burning story.
- SpongeBob: [looks over at Perch]
- Perch: [putting a stack of papers in a fire, with a newspaper on his head] This reporter's stash of old magazines is running low.
- SpongeBob: Perch, thank goodness! We have to get you out of here.
- Perch: Why bother? The only thing I know how to do is hold a microphone. [holds an apple core, grips it and it slips out] And Newsbot has that [holds out a magazine with Newsbot on it] all sewn up. [throws it away] Who else would hire me?
- SpongeBob: There's lots of places that can use a fish of your talents! [picks him up and carries him away] Come on, I'll show you.
- [Cut to the Barg'N-Mart.]
- Perch: Barg'N-Mart?
- [SpongeBob is showing Perch to the Goofy Manager.]
- Goofy Manager: Hmm, I suppose we could use someone to make in-store announcements. Welcome aboard!
- [The manager holds out an apron and SpongeBob drops Perch into it. The manager gives Perch a microphone and card and walks away. Worried, Perch looks at SpongeBob, who grins and gives a thumbs up.]
- Perch: Attention Barg'N-Mart shoppers. Cheese is on sale in the dairy aisle.
- Shoppers: [clamoring] Cheese! / Cheese! [run into the dairy aisle, products are thrown out]
- Perch: Wow! And fresh flowers are marked down in the floral department.
- Floral department woman: [screams]
- [The shoppers run over to buy flowers.]
- Shoppers: [clamoring] Flowers! / Flowers!
- Perch: [puts hands on hips, satisfied] Ahh. [hears glass breaking] Huh?
- [Bubble Bass has spilled a jar of pickles on the floor.]
- Bubble Bass: [groaning, faints]
- Perch: [holds him] Perch Perkins, Aisle 7 News. Can you tell us what happened here?
- Bubble Bass: [as people walk by and slip on the brine] Well, Perch, I was procuring my pickles when I noticed my palms had grown quite gooey. Alas, my realization came too late. My hands slickened from exertion, could not hold on to their briny bounty.
- Perch: A heart wrenching tale.
- Goofy Manager: Perkins! [pokes him] You're supposed to call for a clean up, not interview the mess maker. Look at all these injured customers!
- [Customers are spread around the store.]
- Fred: [off-screen] My pickled leg!
- Goofy Manager: You're fired! [takes his microphone and apron, walks away muttering] Of all the ridiculous... [slips on brine, yells, shattering sound]
- [Perch leaves the Barg'N-Mart, wearing a can on his head. SpongeBob runs after him.]
- SpongeBob: Perch! [panting] That's okay. I lined up another job for you.
- Perch: Oh.
- [Zoom out to show them next to the Krusty Krab.]
- SpongeBob: Luckily, I know a guy here. [winks]
- Krabs: Perch! Hey, welcome to the Krusty Krab! Always good to have a [takes his hat away] former celebrity on the team.
- SpongeBob: [giggles, puts a Krusty Krab hat on Perch]
- Perch: Thank... you?
- Krabs: [pushes Perch with him as SpongeBob waves] SpongeBob said you're good on the microphone, so I'm putting you on [takes out a window] drive-thru duty! [fits it on the wall]
- [He puts a headset on Perch and moves him to the window. Perch looks out to see two skeletons in a boat. One's head falls off.]
- Krabs: Heh heh. Haven't used it in a couple of years. Okay! [leaves] Start making me some money!
- Larry: [car honks, over headset] Larry wants to order a Krabby Patty!
- Perch: [raises notepad and pencil] Would you like fries with that?
- Larry: [over headset] Sure. Why not?
- Perch: Oh. [over loudspeaker] Would you like to upgrade to a Krabby combo and get a small soda?
- Larry: Uh, okay...
- Perch: [loudspeaker leans towards Larry] Would you like to explain why your gym has been hit with 15 health code violations this month!?
- Larry: Uh, uh, uh, Larry's a busy lobster, you know? Uh, uh...
- French Narrator: [as words appear on title card] Several hard-hitting hours later...
- [Perch has left the restaurant and is interviewing Larry.]
- Larry: Larry just wanted to work out! He didn't mean for all those people to get athlete's shell! [cries]
- Krabs: [taps Perch's hat] Perkins!
- [Perch looks, and there is a large line-up at the drive thru.]
- Perch: Let me guess, you're firing me?
- Krabs: Here's the scoop! [takes his hat] Yes!
- Perch: [leaves, grumbling]
- SpongeBob: [panting, runs ahead of Perch] Perch, where are you going?
- Perch: Back to old reporter row, where I belong.
- SpongeBob: Oh, no! We're not giving up yet! If you're no good at anything else, then you'll just have to report the news again.
- Perch: But how?
- SpongeBob: [serious] Don't you worry. I've got a plan.
- [Cut to SpongeBob banging his fists against the door of BBTV.]
- SpongeBob: Please take Perch back! You have to! [cries]
- Goofy Manager: [exits station] Hmm. [shows his badge] As the manager of this news network, give me one good reason why I should.
- SpongeBob: [grabs his shirt] Because Perch Perkins can out-report your dumb old Newsbot anytime, anywhere.
- Newsbot: [combing his hair] Ha! I'd like to see him try.
- SpongeBob: Good! Then you will.
- Perch: [whispering] SpongeBob, I can't out-report him. The guy's a machine. Literally!
- SpongeBob: I believe in you, Perch Perkins. [eyes get big and sparkly]
- Perch: [sighs, determined] Okay. It is on!
- [Perch and Newsbot push against each other. SpongeBob pulls in sign that read "News-Off."]
- SpongeBob: It's a News-Off!
- [The sign is shown on a banner. The Goofy Manager is in a referee outfit and Perch and Newsbot are kneeling at a starting line.]
- Goofy Manager: It's a news off! You know the rules. Whoever reports the most news in the time allowed wins. On your mark, get set... [fires a cannon] news!
- [The cannonball punctures a manatee-shaped blimp.]
- Newsbot: Oh, the huge manatee! A simple news off turned ugly today when...
- Perch: Breaking news! [appears from a trash can, looks at two crashed boats] A pile up has left multiple boats mangled beyond recognition.
- Newsbot: This just in! [appears beside a burning building] A towering inferno in downtown Bikini Bottom!
- People in building: [screaming]
- Perch: News flash! A tidal wave is headed straight for the city and this reporter has an exclusive interview. [zoom out to show him surfboarding on the wave] Mr. Wave, why are you doing this? [the wave washes over the burning building]
- People in building: [cheering]
- [Perch surfs up to Newsbot and blows a raspberry.]
- Newsbot: Grr. [flips his head and puts on angry eyebrows] Time to turn the news up a notch. Bikini Bottom streets popped with potholes!
- [Squidward falls in a pothole in the background.]
- Squidward: [screaming]
- TV narrator: [the word "Scoop!" hits Perch in the face] Scoop!
- Newsbot: [standing in the park, where old ladies are tipped over] Who keeps tipping over our old ladies?
- TV narrator: [the word "News flash!" hits Perch in the face] News flash!
- Newsbot: [pointing to a broken bridge] The bridge to Shell City has collapsed!
- Fred: [drives off the bridge] My leg! [explodes]
- TV narrator: [the word "Exclusive!" hits Perch in the face] Exclusive!
- Perch: [groans, stumbles back into SpongeBob's hands] There's no way anyone could report that much news. [gets idea] Unless... [carries him away] Come on, SpongeBob!
- [Static transition to a bunch of beachgoers scratching themselves.]
- Newsbot: Mysterious rash covers beachgoers! [static transition to the police outside the First Nautical Bank] Bikini Bottom Bank robbed! [static transition to the Krusty Krab covered in graffiti] Vandals strike local fast food restaurants!
- Krabs: [screams]
- [Static transition to a color burst with "Special Report" appearing.]
- Perch: We interrupt this onslaught of news to bring you a special report! Local news robot, [image appears] Newsbot, has been causing the very stories he reports on! [shows footage of Newsbot taking out a detonator and blowing up the bridge] He destroys the bridges! [footage of Newsbot escaping the bank holding money is shown] He robs the banks!
- Newsbot: [monotone laughter]
- [The police appear at the scene. Newsbot is seen tipping over old ladies in the park.]
- Perch: He tips over the old ladies! [static transition to Newsbot tinkering with the underside of a bus] And right now, he is cutting the brakes on this bus [shows snails] full of adorable baby snails. Excuse me, Newsbot. [Newsbot gets up, holding a wire from the bus] Care to comment on your crimes?
- Newsbot: Uh... uh... [hides wire] this isn't what it looks like.
- Perch: It looks like you ran out of news, so you made your own.
- Newsbot: [nervous laughter] I, uh...
- Perch: So which came first? The news story or the reporter?
- Newsbot: N-n-news. R-r-reporter. Old ladies. Exploding boats. M-M-my face.
- Perch: For more, let's go to our man on the street, Newsbot.
- Newsbot: [starts short circuiting] This just in! [glitching at that last word "in"] Report, report, report, report! Explode! [explodes]
- [Newsbot's head lands next to Perch. A robot version of the Goofy Manager shows up.]
- Robot Goofy Manager: Congratulations, Perch! Looks like you are unfired!
- SpongeBob: Hooray! You did it!
- Robot Goofy Manager: [takes the burning toupee off Newsbot] Here's your news hair back. [puts it on Perch]
- Perch: [takes out his microphone] This just in... [fire burns his head, screams]
- [Iris out on Perch.]