Smartificial Intelligence/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Smartificial Intelligence" from season 15, which aired on March 7, 2025.

[Zoom in to a shot of SpongeBob's pineapple. Gary is on the couch, snoring. SpongeBob falls down and Gary gets launched up, spins, and lands upside down. SpongeBob lands and a bowl of popcorn falls into his left hand.]
SpongeBob: Wake up, Gary! [checks watch] It's time for [shows his watch, which has Perch's hands pointing to 12 and a "BBN" sign] Bikini Bottom News [dings] with Perch Perkins.
[SpongeBob switches the channel from The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show to static, then BBTV.]
SpongeBob: [sees Gary upside-down] Oh, good thinking, Gary. [hops on his head] The news can be pretty topsy-turvy.
Gary: Meow.
[A Bikini Bottom News title appears, then Perch is seen behind a desk.]
Perch: Good evening, Bikini Bottom. [grabs a paper] In tonight's top story, a local squirrel got stuck in a well.
[Sandy is seen upside-down in a well, waving her legs, with firefighters around her.]
Sandy: Help! Get me out of here, y'all!
SpongeBob: Must be embarrassing for whoever [points] that is.
Perch: But first, radical changes in machine intelligence were made today when a local squirrel got stuck in a well!
[A tall, cylindrical robot walks up and kicks two firefighters away.]
Firefighters: [yelling]
[The robot sits over Sandy and ejects her through its top.]
Sandy: [flying away] Yee-haw!
Firefighters: [gasp]
Perch: Looks like we won't be needing those lazy firemen anymore. [laughs, gets paper handed, "This Just In!" appears on the screen] This just in. [reads paper, an image of Perch appears behind him] Local TV news reporter Perch Perkins has been fired.
SpongeBob and Gary: [spinning, sputtering]
SpongeBob: Fired?!
Gary: Meow meow?!
Perch: [spins, sputters] Fired?! A longtime local news veteran is being replaced by the latest in reporting technology, [headphones pop off] Newsbot 2000, effective immediately?!
Newsbot: [knocks into Perch] Yes, thank you, Perch.
[Bodyguards carry Perch away.]
Perch: You can't do this to me!
Newsbot: We here at Bikini Bottom News salute you for your years of service.
[Perch is carried out with a box of his stuff. The guard spins him around to face him.]
Bodyguard: Sorry, sir, we can't let you leave with any [they throw everything out of the box] company property.
Perch: [turns box upside down, dust comes out] Can I at least keep the box?
Bodyguard #2: Of course.
Bodyguard: [rips off Perch's hair]
Perch: [screams]
Bodyguard: But the hair belongs to the studio.
[He puts the hair on Newsbot, who smiles. The bodyguards and Newsbot walk away.]
Perch: That wasn't a toupee. [groans, leaves]
SpongeBob: [sees Perch leaving on TV] This is terrible! [hugs TV] A robot could never replace someone like Perch in our hearts. I won't stand for this! [raises hand, head flips open, takes brain out] I'm gonna give that new studio a piece of my mind.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob marching outside Bikini Bottom TV, holding a picket sign with Perch.]
SpongeBob: We want Perch! We want Perch! Bring back Perch!
[A box moves up to SpongeBob, and Perch stands up, wearing it and holding a ball of chum on a fork as a microphone.]
Perch: Pardon me, sir. Would you care to tell the folks back home more about your protest?
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, of course. You see, Perch Perkins is my favorite newsman in the whole ocean. And, uh, wait a second. Perch? Is that you?
Perch: [looks around, shocked]
Newsbot: [throws Perch away] No loitering!
Perch: [screams]
Newsbot: As a fan of Perch Perkins, [holds out microphone from chest] what do you think about a robot taking his job?
SpongeBob: You can't just replace someone with a machine! [gives a sign to Pat-Tron] Pat-Tron, take over this protest for me. [runs towards Perch] Perch, come back! We need you!
Perch: [hiding under the box, runs into alley, panting]
SpongeBob: [panting, looks around, stops in shock] Oh, no. Old reporter's row, where TV reporters finish out their off-air years.
[A female reporter, Gale Doppler, the sports announcer, and Gene Scallop are seen, washed-up.]
Gale Doppler: [raising stick at graffiti weather forecast] Low of 55, high of 72.
Sports announcer: [holding an ice cream cone and standing in front of a makeshift camera] Our top stories... [ice cream falls off] Back to you, Bob.
SpongeBob: [yelling, runs through alley] Perch! You don't belong here!
[The reporters follow him like zombies.]
Bob: [pops out of a dumpster with a microphone] Do you trust your breakfast cereal?
Barbara: [comes out of trash can] Is King Neptune's crown too small?
Purple reporter: [comes out of a manhole] Babies, for or against?
SpongeBob: [runs behind alley, pants]
Perch: [off-screen] Here's a burning story.
SpongeBob: [looks over at Perch]
Perch: [putting a stack of papers in a fire, with a newspaper on his head] This reporter's stash of old magazines is running low.
SpongeBob: Perch, thank goodness! We have to get you out of here.
Perch: Why bother? The only thing I know how to do is hold a microphone. [holds an apple core, grips it and it slips out] And Newsbot has that [holds out a magazine with Newsbot on it] all sewn up. [throws it away] Who else would hire me?
SpongeBob: There's lots of places that can use a fish of your talents! [picks him up and carries him away] Come on, I'll show you.
[Cut to the Barg'N-Mart.]
Perch: Barg'N-Mart?
[SpongeBob is showing Perch to the Goofy Manager.]
Goofy Manager: Hmm, I suppose we could use someone to make in-store announcements. Welcome aboard!
[The manager holds out an apron and SpongeBob drops Perch into it. The manager gives Perch a microphone and card and walks away. Worried, Perch looks at SpongeBob, who grins and gives a thumbs up.]
Perch: Attention Barg'N-Mart shoppers. Cheese is on sale in the dairy aisle.
Shoppers: [clamoring] Cheese! / Cheese! [run into the dairy aisle, products are thrown out]
Perch: Wow! And fresh flowers are marked down in the floral department.
Floral department woman: [screams]
[The shoppers run over to buy flowers.]
Shoppers: [clamoring] Flowers! / Flowers!
Perch: [puts hands on hips, satisfied] Ahh. [hears glass breaking] Huh?
[Bubble Bass has spilled a jar of pickles on the floor.]
Bubble Bass: [groaning, faints]
Perch: [holds him] Perch Perkins, Aisle 7 News. Can you tell us what happened here?
Bubble Bass: [as people walk by and slip on the brine] Well, Perch, I was procuring my pickles when I noticed my palms had grown quite gooey. Alas, my realization came too late. My hands slickened from exertion, could not hold on to their briny bounty.
Perch: A heart wrenching tale.
Goofy Manager: Perkins! [pokes him] You're supposed to call for a clean up, not interview the mess maker. Look at all these injured customers!
[Customers are spread around the store.]
Fred: [off-screen] My pickled leg!
Goofy Manager: You're fired! [takes his microphone and apron, walks away muttering] Of all the ridiculous... [slips on brine, yells, shattering sound]
[Perch leaves the Barg'N-Mart, wearing a can on his head. SpongeBob runs after him.]
SpongeBob: Perch! [panting] That's okay. I lined up another job for you.
Perch: Oh.
[Zoom out to show them next to the Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: Luckily, I know a guy here. [winks]
Krabs: Perch! Hey, welcome to the Krusty Krab! Always good to have a [takes his hat away] former celebrity on the team.
SpongeBob: [giggles, puts a Krusty Krab hat on Perch]
Perch: Thank... you?
Krabs: [pushes Perch with him as SpongeBob waves] SpongeBob said you're good on the microphone, so I'm putting you on [takes out a window] drive-thru duty! [fits it on the wall]
[He puts a headset on Perch and moves him to the window. Perch looks out to see two skeletons in a boat. One's head falls off.]
Krabs: Heh heh. Haven't used it in a couple of years. Okay! [leaves] Start making me some money!
Larry: [car honks, over headset] Larry wants to order a Krabby Patty!
Perch: [raises notepad and pencil] Would you like fries with that?
Larry: [over headset] Sure. Why not?
Perch: Oh. [over loudspeaker] Would you like to upgrade to a Krabby combo and get a small soda?
Larry: Uh, okay...
Perch: [loudspeaker leans towards Larry] Would you like to explain why your gym has been hit with 15 health code violations this month!?
Larry: Uh, uh, uh, Larry's a busy lobster, you know? Uh, uh...
French Narrator: [as words appear on title card] Several hard-hitting hours later...
[Perch has left the restaurant and is interviewing Larry.]
Larry: Larry just wanted to work out! He didn't mean for all those people to get athlete's shell! [cries]
Krabs: [taps Perch's hat] Perkins!
[Perch looks, and there is a large line-up at the drive thru.]
Perch: Let me guess, you're firing me?
Krabs: Here's the scoop! [takes his hat] Yes!
Perch: [leaves, grumbling]
SpongeBob: [panting, runs ahead of Perch] Perch, where are you going?
Perch: Back to old reporter row, where I belong.
SpongeBob: Oh, no! We're not giving up yet! If you're no good at anything else, then you'll just have to report the news again.
Perch: But how?
SpongeBob: [serious] Don't you worry. I've got a plan.
[Cut to SpongeBob banging his fists against the door of BBTV.]
SpongeBob: Please take Perch back! You have to! [cries]
Goofy Manager: [exits station] Hmm. [shows his badge] As the manager of this news network, give me one good reason why I should.
SpongeBob: [grabs his shirt] Because Perch Perkins can out-report your dumb old Newsbot anytime, anywhere.
Newsbot: [combing his hair] Ha! I'd like to see him try.
SpongeBob: Good! Then you will.
Perch: [whispering] SpongeBob, I can't out-report him. The guy's a machine. Literally!
SpongeBob: I believe in you, Perch Perkins. [eyes get big and sparkly]
Perch: [sighs, determined] Okay. It is on!
[Perch and Newsbot push against each other. SpongeBob pulls in sign that read "News-Off."]
SpongeBob: It's a News-Off!
[The sign is shown on a banner. The Goofy Manager is in a referee outfit and Perch and Newsbot are kneeling at a starting line.]
Goofy Manager: It's a news off! You know the rules. Whoever reports the most news in the time allowed wins. On your mark, get set... [fires a cannon] news!
[The cannonball punctures a manatee-shaped blimp.]
Newsbot: Oh, the huge manatee! A simple news off turned ugly today when...
Perch: Breaking news! [appears from a trash can, looks at two crashed boats] A pile up has left multiple boats mangled beyond recognition.
Newsbot: This just in! [appears beside a burning building] A towering inferno in downtown Bikini Bottom!
People in building: [screaming]
Perch: News flash! A tidal wave is headed straight for the city and this reporter has an exclusive interview. [zoom out to show him surfboarding on the wave] Mr. Wave, why are you doing this? [the wave washes over the burning building]
People in building: [cheering]
[Perch surfs up to Newsbot and blows a raspberry.]
Newsbot: Grr. [flips his head and puts on angry eyebrows] Time to turn the news up a notch. Bikini Bottom streets popped with potholes!
[Squidward falls in a pothole in the background.]
Squidward: [screaming]
TV narrator: [the word "Scoop!" hits Perch in the face] Scoop!
Newsbot: [standing in the park, where old ladies are tipped over] Who keeps tipping over our old ladies?
TV narrator: [the word "News flash!" hits Perch in the face] News flash!
Newsbot: [pointing to a broken bridge] The bridge to Shell City has collapsed!
Fred: [drives off the bridge] My leg! [explodes]
TV narrator: [the word "Exclusive!" hits Perch in the face] Exclusive!
Perch: [groans, stumbles back into SpongeBob's hands] There's no way anyone could report that much news. [gets idea] Unless... [carries him away] Come on, SpongeBob!
[Static transition to a bunch of beachgoers scratching themselves.]
Newsbot: Mysterious rash covers beachgoers! [static transition to the police outside the First Nautical Bank] Bikini Bottom Bank robbed! [static transition to the Krusty Krab covered in graffiti] Vandals strike local fast food restaurants!
Krabs: [screams]
[Static transition to a color burst with "Special Report" appearing.]
Perch: We interrupt this onslaught of news to bring you a special report! Local news robot, [image appears] Newsbot, has been causing the very stories he reports on! [shows footage of Newsbot taking out a detonator and blowing up the bridge] He destroys the bridges! [footage of Newsbot escaping the bank holding money is shown] He robs the banks!
Newsbot: [monotone laughter]
[The police appear at the scene. Newsbot is seen tipping over old ladies in the park.]
Perch: He tips over the old ladies! [static transition to Newsbot tinkering with the underside of a bus] And right now, he is cutting the brakes on this bus [shows snails] full of adorable baby snails. Excuse me, Newsbot. [Newsbot gets up, holding a wire from the bus] Care to comment on your crimes?
Newsbot: Uh... uh... [hides wire] this isn't what it looks like.
Perch: It looks like you ran out of news, so you made your own.
Newsbot: [nervous laughter] I, uh...
Perch: So which came first? The news story or the reporter?
Newsbot: N-n-news. R-r-reporter. Old ladies. Exploding boats. M-M-my face.
Perch: For more, let's go to our man on the street, Newsbot.
Newsbot: [starts short circuiting] This just in! [glitching at that last word "in"] Report, report, report, report! Explode! [explodes]
[Newsbot's head lands next to Perch. A robot version of the Goofy Manager shows up.]
Robot Goofy Manager: Congratulations, Perch! Looks like you are unfired!
SpongeBob: Hooray! You did it!
Robot Goofy Manager: [takes the burning toupee off Newsbot] Here's your news hair back. [puts it on Perch]
Perch: [takes out his microphone] This just in... [fire burns his head, screams]
[Iris out on Perch.]