SpongeBob on Parade/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SpongeBob on Parade" from season 13, which aired on March 31, 2023.

[At night, SpongeBob is sweeping the Krusty Krab's sign. He sweeps up to the door. A fish dancing to music on his headphones sticks a poster to the door. Mr. Krabs comes out and yells at him.]
Mr. Krabs: Avast, keep your proposal and propaganda mitts away from me door!
Man with posters: Come on, man, I'm just doing my job! [shoves the rest of the posters on Mr. Krabs and runs away]
SpongeBob: [reads poster] "Come one, come all to the Big Bikini Bottom Parade tomorrow." Oh, boy! [jumps]
Mr. Krabs: [tears posters off his face, putting his skin on them] Parade? [scoffs] I did enough marching when I was in the navy.
SpongeBob: Ooh, but a parade is a great way to get free advertising for the Krusty-- [Mr. Krabs shushes him with his claw]
Mr. Krabs: [excited] Free? That's me favorite assemblage of letters. What do we do?
SpongeBob: [face pops out] We're gonna have to build a float.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm.
[Squidward walks out and flicks his employee hat off his head.]
Squidward: Well, that was another day wasted.
Mr. Krabs: [grabs Squidward] Your day's not over, Mr. Squidward. I want you and SpongeBob to build a Krusty Krab float for the Bikini Bottom Parade tomorrow.
SpongeBob: [jumps] Oh, yeah! [imitates marching band and marches with his broom]
Mr. Krabs: [looks at watch] You two have ten hours. [SpongeBob keeps marching in the background] And since you're the artistic type, you get to design it.
Squidward: [excited] Design? Okay! [skeptical] Wait, what's the budget?
Mr. Krabs: Well, that's the best part! [pinches claws together] Zero budget! You get to be creative and use your imagerination.
SpongeBob: [waves his broom over Squidward's head, creating a rainbow like in "Idiot Box"] Imagination! [rainbow falls on Squidward, turning him rainbow, and he shakes it off in frustration]
Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Can't wait to see your masterpiece. [walks away] Have fun, you two. [laughs]
[Squidward takes out a paper and starts scribbling on it. SpongeBob keeps trying to take a look at it.]
SpongeBob: Whatcha drawing? Lemme see. I wanna see. I wanna see. I wanna see. Come on, show me. Can I see? Can I see? I wanna see.
[They keep spinning around. SpongeBob is on Squidward's shoulders. SpongeBob pulls Squidward's eyelids back. Squidward pushes SpongeBob away with his foot as he reaches for the paper. SpongeBob is drawing on the paper with Squidward watching him.]
SpongeBob: Please? Huh? Whoa!
[After spinning around, Squidward is holding SpongeBob. He throws him away.]
Squidward: Go ahead. Tell me how much you like it. [hands him a paper with a drawing of Squidward playing the clarinet on a float stand] Don't worry, I can take it.
SpongeBob: [looking away] First of all, it's [smiles] genius.
Squidward: [chuckles]
SpongeBob: But it could use a little--
Squidward: [leans over him and yells] Just build it!
[SpongeBob and the paper zoom off. Squidward takes out a folded-up lawn chair and throws it into the air. When it comes down, SpongeBob is sitting on it, wearing gloves and a construction hat and holding a toolbox.]
Squidward: What the!?
SpongeBob: Squidward, where do I find building materials?
Squidward: [picks up chair] I don't care! Anywhere!
[He swings the chair and throws SpongeBob off, sighs, and sits down in it. It snaps and only his nose is sticking out.]
Squidward: Of course.
[Carrying the drawing, SpongeBob walks behind the Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] "I don't care, [waves arms] anywhere." [sees something] What? [sees a bunch of materials sticking out of the dumpster] Hello, anywhere.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Ten hours later...
[In the morning, Squidward is sleeping outside the Krusty Krab on the lawn chair. SpongeBob leans over him.]
Squidward: [snores] D--aah! [screams]
[Detailed close-up of SpongeBob's face.]
Squidward: What are you doing!?
SpongeBob: [covered in paint and bandages] You know, [pokes his nose] you look like a little baby octopus when you're asleep.
Squidward: [uncomfortably] What time is it?
SpongeBob: Almost parade time. I finished it! [shows a giant covered tarp] I give you the Krusty Krab parade float.
[SpongeBob removes the tarp. The float has a plate of Krabby Patties with the formula bottle on top. There is a stand with a deep fryer on it, and the Krusty Krab's sign.]
SpongeBob: Ta-da! I made it a little more on theme.
Squidward: It's moron-themed, all right. You didn't even use my drawing.
SpongeBob: Of course, I did. I used it to patch up that hole in the Krabby Patty. [shows the paper duct-taped to a Krabby Patty]
Squidward: [slaps face and groans] Well, whatever. It looks fine, I guess. [looks up] The secret formula bottle almost looks like the real thing.
SpongeBob: It is, just bigger. I even wrote down the secret formula on the paper inside. [laughs and moves closer] Only we know.
[Cut to the Chum Bucket, where Plankton is watching the conversation on a wall of monitors.]
SpongeBob: I even wrote down the secret formula on the paper inside.
[Plankton spits out his coffee and sees the formula bottle.]
SpongeBob: [laughs] Only we know.
Plankton: Wrote down the secret formula!? [stretches antenna back] That beautiful idiot! [tents fingers] Looks like I'm going to a parade.
[Downtown, many citizens have gathered to watch the parade. Some are waving green flags. Perch Perkins narrates.]
Perch: Welcome to the annual Bikini Bottom Parade, and it's a beautiful ocean day for it. I'm Perch Perkins, coming to you live from downtown. And with me is this year's co-host, the one and only Ice Cream King. [the Ice Cream King is asleep, and flails wildly when Perch touches him] It's an honor to have you, Your Majesty. Do I call you King or Ice?
Ice Cream King: [gasps] Hey, you're that guy! How'd you get out of my TV, [pinches Perch's cheek] you bad little boy? [squishes Perch's cheeks] Ooh, you're wearing makeup! [close-up of purple makeup on Perch's face] Are you a clown? [shakes him] I want a balloon!
Perch: Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. We'll get you a balloon. [cheers and applause, Pearl and a marching band march past] And to kick off this year's parade here comes the Bikini Bottom High School marching band. You know, even when they're not playing, they love to march together. The band is actually made up of 35 individual bands. Amazing precision from these youngsters!
[The band members make the shape of a flower cloud.]
Ice Cream King: [gasps] They all wore the same outfit. How embarrassing.
[The band members make the shape of a jellyfish.]
Perch: Oh, a perfect jellyfish!
Ice Cream King: That's a jellyfish? I was gonna say a clump of hair.
[A trumpet player splits into two and spins away.]
Perch: Wait, did that kid just separate into two organisms via binary fission? [another one splits and spins away]
Ice Cream King: I've been bicycle fishing. It really hurts. [the crowd cheers as the band members split into more jellyfish, then clear out a rectangular space]
Perch: [laughs] Aren't those kids amazing? [horn honks, boats drive wildly onto the road as pedestrians run away] And what have we here? It's the kooky Nitwitting Club.
[One member jumps out of his boat, dumps his brain out of a bucket, puts it on his head, and runs away. Another one spins on the brain and leaves a trail of drool. The Ice Cream King comes in with a boat on his head, makes engine noises, and rolls around.]
Perch: Okay, the Ice Cream King has joined his fellow Nitwitters. Whoa, I've never seen anyone drive like that before! [crowd cheering]
[Plankton looks out from a peephole in the wall of a shed, right outside the parade streets.]
Plankton: Any minute now, that secret formula will be mine! [strains and pulls his eye out of the hole, and it bounces off his body like a paddleball] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! [groans and falls off]
[At the start of the parade, the Krusty Krab float is between Fred's leg float and a jellyfishing float with a robotic Kevin. Mr. Krabs is on top of the formula bottle and SpongeBob is at the deep fryers.]
Mr. Krabs: Boy, after seeing this float, everyone will rush to the Krusty Krab! How ya set up with those [points down] expired fries, boy-o?
SpongeBob: [takes out baskets] Good and greasy, boss! [puts baskets in grease]
Mr. Krabs: Ready, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: [squished inside the patty] No, I'm not! I can't see a thing with SpongeBob in front of me!
Mr. Krabs: Excellent! It's our turn. [twists his pants] Let's move it out!
[The float crashes through the "Parade Start" banner. Bubble transition to the float for Larry's Gym moving past. Two strong fish are lifting weights.]
Perch: Next up we have the Beefy Bros from Larry's Gym. Whoa, look at those meatheads pump iron.
Larry: [lifts up the float and laughs]
Perch: That's some impressive muscle hustle!
[An inflated Mrs. Puff floats down the street, being carried by kids in small boats.]
Perch: And here comes Mrs. Puff. Oh, as her own balloon!
Ice Cream King: Whoa, I want that balloon!
[Patrick's rock slides past, making a scraping sound.]
Perch: Patrick's rock is one float that doesn't float.
Audience: Aah! [covers their ears]
[Bubble Bass gestures on top of the Invisible Boatmobile with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.]
Perch: Oh, looks like Bubble Bass has hitched a ride with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. And what's this?
[Fred rides by in a float of his leg.]
Perch: Not to be outdone, it's Fred in his incredible My Leg Mobile.
Fred: My leg! My leg! I'm in my leg!
Ice Cream King: [sniffs and inhales Perch's hair] I smell grease!
Perch: Oh, that's not me you're smelling, King! [pushes Ice Cream King's head as the Krusty Krab float appears] It's the float from the Krusty Krab, serving over a million Krabby Patties daily to hundreds.
Mr. Krabs: [waving] Whoo-hoo! Hey!
Perch: Oh, there's everybody's favorite tightwad... Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [laughs]
Audience: [cheering]
[SpongeBob flicks the fries out of a basket at the spectators.]
Perch: Well, there's something new-- french-fry confetti!
[Spectators eagerly stick out their tongues, but get burned by the grease. Plankton looks out from the shed.]
Plankton: [cackles evilly, then jumps in a float styled like him] Time to meet your doom, Krabs. [puts goggles on and laughs, then speeds out of the shed on the float] Secret formula at 12:00!
Perch: Hang on, folks. It looks like the parade's got a last-minute entry. I'd say it's some kind of [close-up of the float] rancid hot dog on wheels? [Plankton's float rams the Krusty Krab's] No, folks. I believe this is Bikini Bottom's own evil genius, Plankton.
Mr. Krabs: Whoa! [gets shaken off the formula bottle and grabs its cork]
Perch: It didn't take long for anarchy to begin this year.
Mr. Krabs: It's a rogue wave, a nor'easter, a perfect storm!
[Plankton's float rams the Krusty Krab's again. SpongeBob screams as the grease spills out of the fryers.]
Perch: Oh, it's chaos and confusion, a tradition here at the Bikini Bottom Parade.
[SpongeBob grabs onto his fryers and swings them around. Grease spills out and onto Squidward.]
Squidward: [screams]
[Squidward falls out of the back of the float as a fried, live-action piece of calamari. One of the nitwits runs up and bites it.]
Perch: Well, looks like there is something new on the menu!
Squidward: Ow.
Perch: [as Squidward's spot is empty] The Krusty Krab float is coming in hot!
Fred: [chuckles and waves] My leg! [the Krusty Krab float hits him and knocks him away] My Leg Mobile!
[Bubble Bass is waving. Fred's float kicks him into the air.]
Perch: And here we see the domino effect in action.
[Bubble Bass lands in the arms of a weightlifter on Larry's float.]
Weightlifter: Huh? Oh.
Bubble Bass: My champion!
Larry: [grunts] Larry can't lift this kind of weight. [groans and drops the float, making it collapse]
Perch: Ladies and gentlemen, this parade has careened into a calamitous catastrophe of crashing and chaos!
[Plankton's float drives ahead and knocks over the other floats. Everyone screams and runs.]
Plankton: [turns float around and chuckles] Baby wants his secret formula! [cackles evilly]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, Plankton! No, Plankton! No, no!
Plankton: [steps on the gas and cackles, as his float goes forward]
Mr. Krabs: Abandon float! [falls] Whoa!
SpongeBob: [screaming] Aah! Wait for me!
[SpongeBob jumps off the float, then jumps back on to grab a deep fryer. As he jumps away with it, grease spills out and onto the road. Plankton's float slips on it and crashes into the Krusty Krab float, creating an explosion. The sign collapses and breaks the formula bottle, putting the formula in Plankton's float's hand.]
Plankton: It's mine. It's mine! [chuckles goofily]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, why does he want that useless prop, anyway?
Squidward: [with his head bandaged, removing bit of grease] Because SpongeBob wrote the secret formula on that paper!
Mr. Krabs: Wait, what? What? What!? [eyes crack]
Plankton: [grabs formula and chuckles]
[A gas canister float drives up to the wreckage.]
Perch: It looks like one last float from the local gas station is making a combustible entry. [matchbox float lights the gas and causes an explosion] Well, folks, this parade has now officially been declared an apocalypse. [laughs]
Plankton: [reaching for the formula's charred bits] No, no! I almost had it!
Mr. Krabs: [laughs, cheerfully] Come on, boy-o. Let's go back to the Krusty Krab, where I can punish you proper with unpaid overtime for doing such a foolish thing.
SpongeBob: Yay!
Plankton: [with charred scrap of paper] Aha! I got something-- an ingredient to the secret formula. [dances with the paper, which reads "Salt"] I got an ingredient! I got an ingredient!
Mr. Krabs: [takes paper] Hmm. [reads it] Salt. [returns it to Plankton]
Plankton: That's right, baby. Salt! It's got salt in it. [Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob walk away] I'm cracking the code! All I have to do now is add the right ingredients to salt, and [pupil turns into a star] voilà! I'll have the Krabby Patty secret formula. [walks away] You know, I really am a genius.
Perch: Well, folks, another Bikini Bottom Parade ends in disaster.
Audience: [groaning]
Perch: [seriously] Same as every year. [shrugs] Ah, why not? And now, I'd like to thank my co-host, the Ice Cream King. Hey, King?
Ice Cream King: [chuckles stupidly and rides away on Mrs. Puff, waving]
Perch: King?
Ice Cream King: [laughs] I got my balloon!