Squidness Protection/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidness Protection" from season 15, which aired on February 14, 2025.

[The episode opens with Squidward fastening his tie, humming. He is wearing fancier clothing and standing in a modern living room with a view of New Kelp City in the background. Squidward puts his feet into his shoes and grunts twice. He puts a purple overcoat on, with a dolphin fin on the back.]
Squidward: [puts on a fake beard] Uh-huh. Perfect.
[Squidward exits his house, which is a marble bust of a classical music composer. The neighbor to the left, a green fish, lives in a diamond with a satellite dish.]
Preston: [exits house, holding a briefcase] Woo. Evening, neighbor.
Squidward: Evening, Preston. [gets on a motor scooter]
[He drives past a sailor hat-shaped house, where a fish with glasses, a sailor hat, and SpongeBob's clothes is watering his bushes.]
Sebastian: [waving] Good luck at the concert tonight!
Squidward: Thank you, Sebastian.
[Squidward continues to drive his scooter down the street.]
Squidward: [narrating] You may think you know me, but you don't. I used to be Squidward Tentacles, but now, the name's... [he drives up a concert hall with a poster for him] Dolphin, John Dolphin.
[Inside, an orchestra is performing. Squidward steps out from behind the curtains.]
Crowd: [clamoring excitedly] / It's John Dolphin!
[They gasp when Squidward takes out a golden triangle. He rings it.]
Crowd: [cheering]
Squidward: [narrating] I have a wonderful new life [bows] in New Kelp City. How did this happen? [fade to him walking down the street, unhappy] Well, I'll tell you. [walks into a music store] One day, the worst thing that ever happened to me turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
[Squidward approaches a clerk.]
Squidward: [speaking in-story] Excuse me, I'd like to lodge a complaint. [holds out his clarinet] This reed is defective. [inhales and plays sharply, making a sour note]
[The clerk's glasses shatter. The reed bounces out.]
Reed: [coughs, gasping for air, dies]
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but that's the only reed we have in stock. Have you ever thought of playing something safer, [holds up a triangle] like the triangle?
[The door is erased in two strokes, then a muscular fish with an eraser on his hand kicks the door in.]
Elmer Eraser: This is a stickup! [points eraser at clerk] Give me all the dough in the joint, or I'll rub you out.
Clerk: Elmer Eraser! [The clerk and Squidward put their hands in the air]
Elmer Eraser: [laughs, erases the cash register and takes the money] If either of you bozos squeal, I'll track ya down and [raises eraser] rub you out. [erases clerk's face]
Squidward: [nervously] I won't say a syllable! [zips his mouth shut]
Elmer Eraser: See that you don't, or Elmer Eraser will find you.
[He leaves with the money. Fade to police appearing at the scene.]
Squidward: [narrating] The police tried to get me to talk, but I wasn't interested... at first.
[Squidward has his arms crossed as an orange male cop writes in a newspaper. A female cop wraps tape around him. Squidward removes it.]
Squidward: I told you, I didn't see a thing.
Male cop: Not to worry, Mr. Tentacles. If you do remember anything, we can put you into witness protection. Of course, we'll have to move you to a new town, change your name, and give you a new job.
Squidward: Look, officer, I'm not talking.
Male cop: Unfortunately, you'll never see your friends or neighbors again.
Squidward: [realizes, then leans in his face] I saw everything! I'll testify!
[He smiles. Match fade to him making the same face at the concert.]
Squidward: [narrating] Now, I have everything I'd ever dreamed of.
[He chimes the triangle again and the crowd cheers. Squidward sees Patrick in the audience through the triangle.]
Patrick: [giggling]
Squidward: Huh? [shakes head, sees a triangle-shaped SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [laughing]
Squidward: I must be imagining things.
[He exits through the stage door and the crowd appears for him.]
Crowd: [clamoring excitedly]
Squidward: [appreciates it, then] Huh?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [appear in the back] Hooray! / Whoo! / [cheering]
Squidward: This can't be happening! [panics, knocks the crowd over and gets back on his scooter, whimpers nervously]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [appear from a manhole] We miss you, Squidward!
Squidward: [yells, drives over the manhole, lands and turns into an alley, tires screen, looks around]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [come out of two trash cans] Hi, Squidward!
[Squidward pants and drives back to his house. The scooter crashes against the wall. He gets up against the door and locks it, blocks the door with a board, and pulls the curtains shut. He pulls a window cover down a window and it rolls back up.]
SpongeBob: [pulls cover down] Don't worry, I've got it. [pulls his beard] Love your new beard.
Squidward: [calmly] Thanks, but it's only a fake one-- huh? [sees SpongeBob and Patrick standing in the room] SpongeBob and Patrick?! How did you two goofballs find me?
SpongeBob: [narrating] Oh, you'd like to know how we found you, Squidward?
Squidward: Um, eh... Where's your voice coming from?
SpongeBob: [narrating] It was an average day at the old Krusty Krab.
[Fade to a line of customers at the Krusty Krab.]
Customers: [murmuring]
SpongeBob: But something was missing. Or should I say "someone"?
[Patrick is at the front of the line.]
Patrick: [calling] Hello? [picks up the boat] Anybody home? [places it against the floor]
[SpongeBob walks up to Patrick.]
Patrick: [folds arms] Boy, the service here is really going downhill, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [in-story, scratches head] Squidward's still not here? I guess that would explain why I haven't had a single order [his hat jumps up and a bell dings] in weeks.
Patrick: I haven't seen him in his house for weeks either, not even in his bathtub. And his fridge is out of food!
SpongeBob: [sadly] I really miss my favorite neighbor.
Patrick: But I'm right here, buddy.
SpongeBob: [hugs Patrick] Oh, thank goodness! [taps chin] But how do we find Squidward?
Patrick: Don't worry, I got this.
[Patrick takes off the top of his head and sticks it on his face, using it like a nose.]
Patrick: Now, I just need something that smells like Squidward.
SpongeBob: [reaches into the register boat and takes out a trash can, pulls out a clarinet reed] One of his old clarinet reeds should help.
Patrick: [sniffs the reed] Ew! [sniffs the floor, barks] Got it!
[Patrick barks and runs away, knocking the customers away like bowling pins. They groan. Fade to SpongeBob telling the story to Squidward, as Patrick sniffs him.]
SpongeBob: And so, we followed the scent to your new front door.
Squidward: [hits Patrick away]
SpongeBob: [grabs Squidward with Patrick] Why did you leave us, Squidward?
Squidward: [grumbles, pushes them apart] You knuckleheads are gonna ruin everything. I'm in witness protection.
Patrick: Fitness infection?
Squidward: [grabs Patrick's nose] I'm hiding out [rips it off and puts it on his head] from Elmer Eraser.
SpongeBob: Elmer Eraser?! [mimes rubbing his head] The robber who relishes in rubbing out rats?
[Squidward grunts and kicks SpongeBob and Patrick outside.]
Squidward: Would you two get lost? You're gonna lead that maniac right to me. [slams door]
Patrick: Gee! I had no idea Squidward was in witless perfection.
SpongeBob: And we almost blew his cover.
[A man who looks like Elmer Eraser, wearing a hat and cloak, walks up to them.] He skids and stops.]
Detective Eraser: Hey, sorry about that. I didn't see ya there.
SpongeBob: [gets suspicious] Say, that sure is a nice eraser.
Detective Eraser: Thanks. My mommy made it for me.
SpongeBob: Hmm. Eraser. [pokes face] That reminds me of something, but what?
Detective Eraser: [shows Patrick a photo] Do you bozos know where I can find... [the photo is a "Star Witness" photo of Squidward] this mug?
SpongeBob: [gasps] Elmer Eraser?
Patrick: Oh, that's not a mug. That's--
SpongeBob: [squishes Patrick's head down] We've never seen that person in our entire lives... uh, with or without a beard.
Elmer Eraser: [threateningly] Well, if you do...
SpongeBob and Patrick: [whimpering, afraid]
Elmer Eraser: [calmly] ...please let me know. [walks away]
SpongeBob: [grabs Patrick's face] Patrick, that was Elmer Eraser!
Patrick: Who?
SpongeBob: We gotta warn Squidward! [jumps]
Squidward: [relaxes in a chair] Phew! Thank Neptune those idiots are gone.
Patrick: [opens the door, slamming Squidward with it]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward!
Squidward: [birds chirping] And they're back.
SpongeBob: Guess who we saw outside? Elmer Eraser!
Squidward: What?! [jumps off the wall] Oh, I'm doomed!
SpongeBob: Don't worry. [grabs Patrick] We'll put you into [raises finger, Patrick salutes] witness protection protection.
Patrick: You're safe with us!
[They grab Squidward and throw him through the window.]
Squidward: Whoa! [glass shatters]
[SpongeBob and Patrick jump out the window too. They carry Squidward to a glass house.]
SpongeBob: Here's a hideout with a lot of natural light.
Squidward: [head hits against the door frame, groans]
SpongeBob: [slams door shut]
Squidward: A glass house? Are you nuts?
SpongeBob: This way, you can see Elmer Eraser coming.
Squidward: [points to wall] But he can see me too!
Detective Eraser: [pointing at Squidward] You! You guys lied to me. [pounds glass] That's Squidward!
SpongeBob and Squidward: [screaming]
Patrick: [jumps in front of them] Don't worry. [takes out rock] I got him!
Squidward: Wait! Don't!
Patrick: [grunts, throws rock]
[The rock bounces off the wall and shatters Squidward.]
Patrick: Oh! It's a plexiglass house.
[Patrick takes out a dustpan and SpongeBob sweeps Squidward in with a broom They pant and Patrick dumps him into the backseat of a boatmobile, then gets behind the wheel. SpongeBob gets in and Squidward is back to normal.]
SpongeBob: Perfect! [waves hand] We can drive far, far away.
Patrick: [starts engine, revs]
[They are revealed to be in a junkyard, with a crane picking up the car. Detective Eraser is operating a crane.]
Detective Eraser: Gotcha!
Squidward: [opens car door] Everybody jump!
[He jumps out, followed by Patrick and SpongeBob. They land in another car.]
Squidward: This is how you make a getaway.
[They are about to be crushed by a car compactor, and scream. They come out flattened and fall, then walk unsteadily, groaning. Patrick pops back to normal and points.]
Patrick: Quick! In there!
[Patrick shoves Squidward in a fire hydrant, then jumps in, followed by SpongeBob. Detective Eraser erases the fire hydrant, showing SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick crammed together and whimpering. A burst of water launches them away, next to a tree.]
SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick: [screaming, then groaning]
SpongeBob: Up there!
[They climb the tree. Elmer Eraser runs up and erases part of it. The tree falls over and launches SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick to the mountains.]
SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick: [screaming]
[Patrick pulls SpongeBob and Squidward on a sleigh. They make it to a cabin.]
SpongeBob: You'll be safe in here.
[Growling is heard from a sea bear costume. It takes out an eraser hand and erases its head to show Detective Eraser.]
Detective Eraser: Gotcha!
SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick: [screaming]
[Squidward throws SpongeBob and Patrick at Detective Eraser and screams, running away. He grabs two skis next to the cabin and skis down the mountain.]
SpongeBob: Squidward is unprotected!
Patrick: [gets on his face] Hop on!
[SpongeBob gets on Patrick and slides on him down the mountain.]
[Squidward slides down the mountain, avoiding trees. He hears a horn honk.]
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob and Patrick: We'll save you, Squidward!
[Squidward screams and hits a rock, falling down the mountain. He rolls into a snowball and into a cave, hitting the wall.]
Squidward: [grunts, groans, a shadow comes over him] Oh no! Those two halfwits found me!
[The shadow turns from SpongeBob and Patrick to Detective Eraser as it gets closer.]
Detective Eraser: [laughs]
Squidward: [relieved] Phew! It's just Elmer Eraser. [scared] Elmer Eraser!
[SpongeBob and Patrick scream and crash into Squidward.]
SpongeBob: We'll protect you, Squidward.
Detective Eraser: Gotcha!
Squidward: [exclaims]
SpongeBob: Please, Elmer Eraser, don't rub out Squidward!
Detective Eraser: Aw, don't worry. I'm not Elmer. [takes out his detective badge] I'm Detective Eraser.
Squidward: [deflates, whimpers woozily]
Detective Eraser: Elmer's my twin brother. I've been trying to find you all day.
Squidward: Oh, thank goodness. Can you arrest these two blockheads so I can go back to being John Dolphin?
Detective Eraser: Lucky for you, my brother Elmer has been caught and put in jail. You don't need witness protection anymore. [erases Squidward's disguise]
Squidward: [grunts] Ouch.
SpongeBob: Isn't it great, Squidward? [grabs Patrick] You can come back to Bikini Bottom with us!
[SpongeBob and Patrick run around him, as he looks displeased.]
Patrick: Squidward's back!
SpongeBob: Yay!
Squidward: Wonderful.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward's back!
[Bubble transition to Squidward at the Krusty Krab register.]
Patrick: [touches Squidward's nose] You're it.
SpongeBob: [touches Squidward's head] No, you're it.
Patrick: [touches Squidward's forehead] No, you're it.
SpongeBob: [touches Squidward's neck] Squidward's it.
Patrick: No, you're it.
Squidward: [narrating as SpongeBob and Patrick keep tagging him] I was finally safe, but I was about to become witness to another crime, a crime [lifts his hands to reveal erasers on both of them] I was going to commit. [raises erasers, aims them at SpongeBob and Patrick] I'm going to rub you out!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [screams, get erased, their legs run away]
Squidward: [laughing maniacally, jumps out of register and starts erasing the screen] Rub! Rub! Rub! [laughing maniacally]