Squidward's Tough Break/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidward's Tough Break" from season 16, which aired on September 12, 2025.

[The episode opens with Squidward riding his recumbent bicycle down the road.]
Squidward: Finally, my annual day off. A day filled with sophistication. Starting with a gourmet brunch at a fancy eatery, [pulls out a golden slip of paper] Sol de Soup Spoon. [reads the address on the slip] 617 Kraken Avenue. [stops his bike and takes off his helmet, revealing a green beret underneath, then reads the address on the building nearby] Six-one-seven! This must be the place!
[Cut to a wider shot, revealing the building to be the Salty Spitoon. A muscular fish then gets launched through the roof and falls beside Squidward.]
Squidward: This can't be the place!
[Squidward walks to the entrance, and Reg bursts through the doors.]
Reg: [squints] What do you want, fancy boy?
Squidward: I– [clears throat] made a reservation at Sol de Soup Spoon. [waves his slip of paper] But this couldn't possibly be the correct address.
Reg: Oh, but it certainly is. Let me show you to your table. [grabs Squidward by the scarf and throws him into the restaurant. He then looks over at the address of the building] Oops. [flips the six to a nine]
[Squidward flies into a table, then falls back onto a chair. Several people are brawling and getting into fights around his table.]
Reg: [walks up to a table with a cloth on his arm] Welcome— to Sol de Soup Spoon. Or as we pronounce it, The Salty Spitoon!
Patrons: Yeah!
Reg: Can I start you off with a beverage? [pulls Squidward close to his face after he attempts to walk away]
Squidward: Um, any recommendations?
Reg: [leans into Squidward's face] How about... the Cold Cadaver?
Squidward: Hm. Sounds French. I'll take one!
Harry the Health Hazard: But Reg, that's the toughest milkshake on the menu.
[Reg punches him in the target shape on his chest. He goes to get the Cold Cadaver, then comes back wearing a hazmat suit. He sets the milkshake on the table with pliers.]
Reg: Bon appétit. And bon voyage! [laughs]
Squidward: [nervously takes a drink of the milkshake] Oh! Très bien! [claps]
Reg: Whoa. How are you still alive?
Squidward: [continues to drink the milkshake] What do you mean? I fe— [his head rapidly expands and shrinks, then he flies over the restaurant, knocking into several patrons. He hits a fist mounted on the wall, then falls to the ground]
[Squidward's eyes slowly open, and people are standing around him.]
Reg: Hey bub. You okay?
Squidward: [he is heavily injured, then shakes his head, getting rid of most of the injuries] Huh? W-what? Where am I? What is this place? Who are you?
Reg: I'm Reg, the bouncer! [spits] Who exactly are you? [leans into Squidward's face]
Squidward: [pushes Reg back] I'm— I... don't know who I am.
Reg: You must be a pretty tough guy if you drank the Cold Cadaver and lived!
Squidward: Yeah, that does sound pretty tough.
Reg: You may be tough enough to hang on the Wall of Toughest Guys! [shows a wall with five people hanging on hooks, growling] But seein' as you don't remember your name, we'll have to give you a real intimidating one. [pause] Ooh! I gots it. [points at Squidward's twisted legs] Crazy Legs!
[The patrons cheer, and someone throws a barrel at him.]
Crazy Legs: I'm— [gets hit by a flying mace] a tough— [an anchor falls on him] guy!
Reg: Ya sure are, Crazy Legs. Come on! [pulls Crazy Legs out from underneath the anchor] Let's blow this joint. [pulls Crazy Legs out of the Salty Spitoon] First things first, Crazy Legs, we gotta get you on a hog. Here, you can borrow mine. [shows Reg's twinkling motorcycle]
Crazy Legs: Woooaaah. [walks up to it, tiny in comparison. He climbs onto it] Let's make this piggy squeal!
Reg: Safety first! [places a pointed helmet on Crazy Legs's head]
[Crazy Legs starts the motorcycle, and drives straight through the Salty Spitoon. He runs over a large, pink patron. He stops the motorcycle, then falls over.]
Reg: I can't believe it.
Crazy Legs: Did I do good, Reg?
Reg: You did great! You managed to hurt at least a dozen people!
[Cuts to a bunch of injured people at the Salty Spitoon groaning.]
Reg: [picks up Crazy Legs] Way to go, Crazy Legs! [snaps his fingers, and two large muscular fish beat up the fish in between them, and give Crazy Legs his boots]
Crazy Legs: For me?
Reg: Tough guy's gotta have tough feet! [picks up Crazy Legs and drops him in the boots]
[Bubble transition to Crazy Legs walking the streets of Bikini Bottom with Reg and his friends.]
Crazy Legs: So, what now, Reg?
Reg: We look for punks to pick fights with. [holds Crazy Legs by the nose and points at Rube Goldfish, who is photographing a stop sign] Like that guy over there.
Rube: A genuine stop sign. A-mazing.
Crazy Legs: [puffs chest] I got this one, fellas. [walks up to Rube] Hey, camera face. Why don't you take a picture of this? [holds out his fist]
Rube: [brings camera up to his face] Okay, I'm ready!
[Crazy Legs attempts to punch Rube, but he is too far away and ends up losing his balance. He grabs Rube, and he pulls down his hat which flings Rube far away into a dumpster.]
Rube: This smells a-mazingly bad!
Reg: Wow, Crazy Legs, you took that guy out in one hit! You've earned your leather! [snaps his fingers, and the two fish beat up the same person and give Crazy Legs his leather jacket]
[Reg, Crazy Legs, and the rest of the group pull up to the Krusty Krab.]
Reg: This looks like a good place to... to loiter!
[Reg and his group go up to random customers and start doing things to mildly inconvenience them.]
Crazy Legs: Oh, I get it. We hang around and mess with the normies! [goes up to a customer, takes one of his fries, dips it in the customer's ketchup, and takes a bite]
Customer: Ugh.
Crazy Legs: Mind if I... double dip?
Customer: No! No no no no no! [screams]
[Crazy Legs dips the fry in the ketchup, and the customer screams and jumps out the window.]
Crazy Legs: Oh yeah, [tosses the fry in his mouth] I love loitering.
[SpongeBob slides up to Crazy Legs.]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. Love your new friends.
Reg: [whispering to Crazy Legs] You know this guy?
SpongeBob: Of course he does! [puts his arm around Crazy Legs] We're neighbors slash best friends slash coworkers slash best friends!
Crazy Legs: [grabs SpongeBob and holds him away from him] I've never seen this chump in my life! And I'd be a real loser to work at a dump like this. [squishes SpongeBob into a ball, puts him in a straw, then blows him into the wall]
[Mr. Krabs comes out of his office.]
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Loiter-er-ers... [walks up to Crazy Legs] Why are you hanging around with these hooligans Mr.— [gets launched into the wall as a liquid like SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Squidward's so macho.
Mr. Krabs: Macho more of this, and he's fired.
[Bubble transition to Conch Street. Crazy Legs and his friends walk up to the house Squidward lives in.]
Reg: What are we doin' here, Crazy Legs?
Crazy Legs: I thought we could use some real action! And what's tougher than a little— [holds up crowbar] breaking and entering? Only a pretentious chump would live in a big ugly head like that!
[The others cheer. Harry the Health Hazard swaps his spiked helmet for a football helmet and charges headfirst into the door, easily breaching it. The rest quickly run in. They start damaging Squidward's furniture and eating his food.]
Crazy Legs: Hah! Check out the terrible paintings of this weenie! [shows one of Squidward's self portraits]
Reg: Ay, this weenie looks like you! [points at Crazy Legs]
Crazy Legs: [holding up a marker] Not anymore! [scribbles hair, glasses, and teeth on the painting] Come on fellas! Let's fix these pics!
[They cheer and start destroying his art. Suddenly, police sirens are heard.]
Reg: Huh? Oh no. The fuzz! [swallows the spray paint can he is holding]
[SpongeBob walks in, making a siren noise, and holding a large flashlight in one hand and a teddy bear in the other.]
SpongeBob: Hold it right there! This is a citizen's arrest. Don't make me use this thing. [shakes teddy bear]
Crazy Legs: Hey, it's the wimp from the Krusty Scab.
SpongeBob: Oh hi, Squidward. I was just doing my nightly security check of your house, when I heard the unmistakable sounds of vandalism.
Crazy Legs: [picks up SpongeBob by the collar] The name's Crazy Legs, [takes SpongeBob's teddy bear] and this ain't my house! I've had it with you's, and your fairy tales!
Reg: Go get 'em, Crazy Legs!
[The others cheer Crazy Legs on. Crazy Legs slaps SpongeBob with the teddy bear.]
SpongeBob: [giggles]
Crazy Legs: Stop laughing, you irritating stranger! [throws SpongeBob into a pile of books]
SpongeBob: [sad] Why don't you remember me? [sees Squidward's clarinet sitting against a bookshelf] Ooh! I bet you remember this! [starts playing Squidward's clarinet]
Crazy Legs: [grabs the clarinet] All I remember is how to play this! [pulls out a bomb and stuffs it in the clarinet]
Reg: Where'd he get a bomb?
[The others pause, then quickly scream and hide, except for Harry, who covers his eyes. The bomb goes off, and Squidward's house gets obliterated. Crazy Legs, now back as Squidward, slowly opens his eyes, with Reg, SpongeBob, and the others all standing around him. They suddenly smile when they see him awake.]
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! You're alive! [laughs]
Squidward: [groans, shakes his head, and takes in his surroundings] Blegh. Get off me, SpongeBob! Who are all these ruffians? And... why am I wearing all this tacky leather? [gasps] My house! [runs to a fallen flower pot] What did you delinquents do?! You've trampled my begonias! And soiled my doilies! [screams] And vandalized my priceless art! [hugs the remains of one of his works]
Reg: [quietly] But Crazy Legs, that was all your idea. You mean to tell me this was your house all along?
Squidward: Of course it is. [sets down one of his sculptures on a pedestal] And who is Crazy Legs?
Reg: Gah, all right. Pack it up, fellas. [kicks a can] Crazy Legs was just a boring old fuddy-duddy— before he got amnesia.
Others: [groan in disappointment] Not again! [they walk out of the house]
Squidward: Well, good riddance!
[He slams the door shut, which causes a bathtub on the next floor to fall on his head. His head spins. He suddenly snaps back to reality, now back to being Crazy Legs.]
Crazy Legs: Now that's how you ransack a house! [smashes the door with a plank of wood]
SpongeBob: Hey guys, Crazy Legs is back!
Crazy Legs: [screams]