Squilliam Returns/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squilliam Returns" from season 3, which aired on March 15, 2002.

[At the Krusty Krab, Squidward looks at his watch.]
Squidward: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [looking at his watch while SpongeBob is mopping the floor] I'm done with my shift, Mr. Krabs! And let me just say, there will come a day when I will make something of my life and I will never have to set foot in this grease trap again!
[Real-life footage of a cheering crowd in black and white appears behind Squidward.]
Mr. Krabs: [offscreen] Yeah, we'll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.
[Real-life footage crowd disappears.]
Squidward: Okay. [walks out of the Krusty Krab]
Squilliam: [talking to a group of people] So, I just took my private yacht across my private lake to my private heliport. It's the only way off my private island.
Squidward: [gasps] Oh, shrimp! It's my arch-rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson! I can't let him see me in my Krusty Krab uniform.
[Squidward takes off his hat and hastily puts it in the trash can. However, Squilliam and his group arrive in front of him.]
Squilliam: On your lunch break, eh, Squiddy?
Squidward: Yes... I mean, no! I mean... uhh, uhh... Hey, whatcha been up to?
Squilliam: Oh, just succeeding in everything you've failed in.
Squidward: You are no great shakes, Squilliam Fancyson! Anyone can be a big shot in a hick town like Bikini Bottom.
Squilliam: Oh, is that so? Let's hear what you've accomplished since high school, Squiddy.
Squidward: [in his head, thinking voice] Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. [imagines Squilliam as a hot underwear model with his muscle body of a human] Oh, no, he's hot! [to Squilliam] I'm, uh, in... food service.
Squilliam: Hold it! Don't tell me. You're a cashier! [laughs. His group laughs with him]
Squidward: [in his head, thinking voice] Don't lie. Lying always makes it worse! [to Squilliam] I own a five-star restaurant!
Squilliam: [as the crowd gasps with Squilliam] Squidward, I had no idea you were such a success.
Squidward: That's right.
Squilliam: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to your restaurant... [Squidward looks confident] ...tonight.
[Dramatic sting plays, and sound of glass breaking. Squidward's mouth becomes tiny, his eyes are big with pupils shrink, red lines and his nose shrivels up in an extreme shock.]
Squidward: T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?!
Squilliam: In fact, we'll all come. My treat!
[Squiliam's group cheers. The scene cuts to the Krusty Krab with Squidward in Mr. Krabs' office.]
Squidward: Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they're going to see I'm just a big phony and a loser!
Mr. Krabs: Ohh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. [rubs his fingers and sad violin music plays]
Squidward: This is serious.
Mr. Krabs: I know. This really is the world's smallest violin. [tiny violin is shown] See?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam!
Mr. Krabs: Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam? [Squilliam's unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head] That guy who made millions doing what you wish you could do?
Squidward: Don't rub it in.
Mr. Krabs: Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners.
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs standing straight in a line. Squidward is walking back and forth in a white tuxedo.]
Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible!
[Patrick appears next to SpongeBob with an army hat on his head.]
Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!
Squidward: The Corps? What the...? Pat, this isn't the... oh! [sighs] Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
Patrick: You mean like a weenie? Okay! [talks like a weenie] May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
Squidward: [puts his hand over Patrick's mouth] Alright, I've heard enough. You've got the job. [walks off] Mr. Krabs, didn't you once serve on the S.S. Gourmet?
Mr. Krabs: Aye-aye!
Squidward: Then you'll be our chef.
[Mr. Krabs walks off.]
SpongeBob: What can I do?
Squidward: I can't believe I'm saying this, but, SpongeBob, you're going to have to be the waiter.
SpongeBob: What's that?
Squidward: It's the guy who goes to tables and takes orders.
SpongeBob: Do other restaurants do that?
Squidward: Yes, they do that! Now listen, Squilliam is on his way and you have less than twenty minutes to become a fancy waiter, so read this. [hands SpongeBob a book]
SpongeBob: "How To Become a Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes." Don't worry, Squidward, I'll memorize every page, right down to the punctuation marks!
Squidward: Alright, I've got all the positions filled. I just might pull this off!
Patrick: Gimme that hat! [shaking a coat rack with a hat on it] I said give it to me! Are you gonna hand it over or not? Don't you back-sass me! [jumps on the coat rack and starts punching it]
Squidward: He's just the hat-check guy, nothing essential!
[An explosion in the kitchen is heard. A bunch of green goop flies out of the kitchen and lands on Squidward.]
Squidward: What happened? What is it?
Mr. Krabs: Peas! [a can of peas, still in the can, is on the stove and is on fire] Made 'em the old-fashioned way.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you gotta take 'em out of the... [gasps] Holy fish paste! What is that?! [notices a giant goop pile of food on the grill, with flies and other things sticking out of it]
Mr. Krabs: That's the appetizer.
Squidward: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet!
Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
[Squidward walks out of the kitchen.]
Squidward: There you are! SpongeBob, you gotta help me! [walks over to SpongeBob] Patrick and Mr. Krabs aren't working out, and Squilliam's almost here, and, and... SpongeBob? [turns SpongeBob around]
[SpongeBob now looks like a zombie, tired from reading all the pages of being a fancy waiter.]
SpongeBob: I can't do it. I can't do it, Squidward!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: Every sentence, every paragraph... [slams the book on his face between each word] Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper! Don't you understand?! [his brain starts to swell] My brain is full to bursting! If I have to memorize a single order, I think I'm gonna explode! [explodes and turns back to normal]
Squidward: SpongeBob, hold on! Let's just take a second here to relax.
[SpongeBob lowers his arms.]
Squidward: Little more.
[SpongeBob lowers his arms more.]
Squidward: Little more.
[SpongeBob's face falls to the floor.]
Squidward: Good. Now, I want you to empty your mind.
SpongeBob: Empty my mind?
Squidward: Empty your mind.
SpongeBob: Empty my mind...
Squidward: Empty your mind of everything that doesn't have to do with fine dining. Fine dining and breathing.
[Zooms inside SpongeBob's head, and then his brain. Inside his brain, a bunch of smaller SpongeBob employees are working on computers in an office. An office manager, Smaller SpongeBob #1, runs to the front of the office.]
Smaller SpongeBob #1 (supervisor): Just got an order from the boss: Dump everything that isn't about fine dining!
Other smaller SpongeBobs: Everything?
Smaller SpongeBob #1: Everything!
[Every smaller SpongeBob starts to panic and start throwing everything away.]
Smaller SpongeBob #1 (supervisor): Come on, come on, come on! Bring 'em, bring 'em, bring 'em! Jellies, jellies!
[Another smaller SpongeBob shreds papers marked "Jellyfishing," then "Childhood memories," then "Spice Garden Tips."]
Smaller SpongeBob #1 (supervisor): Let's go, let's go! Keep doing it! [walking towards another smaller SpongeBob] Come on, let's get moving! [talking to a smaller SpongeBob] Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
Smaller SpongeBob #2: You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.
Smaller SpongeBob #1: One more crack like that and you're out of here!
Smaller SpongeBob #2: No, please! I have three kids!
[More dumping persists. One smaller SpongeBob drops papers from a box named "MATH" into the bin, another smaller SpongeBob shovels papers into a furnace, and another smaller SpongeBob flushes papers down the toilet. The entire office is full of messy flying papers with smaller SpongeBobs dumping papers throughout. The scene cuts back to SpongeBob, with a blank look on his face.]
Squidward: How do you feel?
[Cuts to SpongeBob, still with a blank face.]
Squidward: SpongeBob? [snaps his tentacles as SpongeBob drools] This isn't working!
[Patrick is walking on all fours with the coat rack in his mouth.]
Squidward: I gotta go tell Squilliam I need more time! [runs out the door] I'll just go to Squilliam's house and... [stops because he sees Squilliam and the group] Squilliam, you're here!
Squilliam: Hello, Squiddy!
[Squidward steps back.]
Squilliam: We're all ready to be dazzled by your five-star restaurant.
Squidward: Wait, Squilliam, I've got to explain!
Squilliam: Explain what? That you, Squidward Tentacles, voted most likely to suck eggs in high school, [walks in] are trying to pass off a lousy burger stand as a five-star... [gulps] ...restaurant!?
[The interior of the restaurant looks very professional with nice wallpaper, a small orchestra, a chandelier, and other things.]
Squilliam: Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina...
[Squidward joins in chanting "Hommina," and then the group comes in and starts to chant "Hommina" as well. SpongeBob comes in with a tuxedo on.]
SpongeBob: Table for Hommina? I can seat you immediately! [picks up the group of customers with one hand]
Squidward: [whispering] How did you do all this?
SpongeBob: It was easy, once I cleared my mind.
Squidward: But what about Krabs and Patrick?
SpongeBob: Taken care of.
[Mr. Krabs and Patrick are tied up and gagged in the back.]
SpongeBob: Right this way, please.
[SpongeBob seats everyone quickly. Then Squilliam is seated without a chair at first, but SpongeBob then rushes back to give him a chair to sit on.]
SpongeBob: Good evening, sir. [gives Squilliam a menu] From our menu tonight, might I recommend the Krabby Newburg?
[SpongeBob gives Squilliam a shoulder massage as he takes away his menu. As he quickly explains what Squilliam is eating, he gives him a napkin to put on his neck and feeds him the dinner. As he continues speaking, SpongeBob continues making Squilliam's experience the best he can so he treats him like royalty doing all sorts of things: knife-and-forking the roast and feeding him each piece of roast, spraying colonge on his head, wiping his head with a tissue, and brushes his hair.]
SpongeBob: We take the finest cuts of aged, imported kelp, stuff them with herbs from our garden, wrap them in parchment with our award-winning shallot tapenade, slow-roast them for six hours in our wood-fired, clay-filled oven, or kiva, and serve them with a garnish of wilted coral on a mahogany plank.
Squilliam: Mmm... this is fantastic!
SpongeBob: [salutes with all the hands that helped] Thank you, sir.
Squidward: Pinch me, I must be dreaming.
[SpongeBob pinches him with a pin.]
Squidward: Ow!
SpongeBob: If you need anything else, just call.
Squidward: SpongeBob, I can't thank you enough for all you're doing!
SpongeBob: Fine dining and breathing are all I know how to do. [takes a deep breath and runs off]
Squidward: It worked. I can't believe it! Squilliam thinks I own a five-star restaurant. Time to rub it in his face.
[SpongeBob is combing Squilliam's unibrow.]
Squidward: Well, Squilliam? I'm waiting.
Squilliam: [his eyes tear up] Alright, I admit it! Everything is fabulous. The food, the atmosphere! Everything's flawless!
Squidward: In that case, I need you to read this. [hands Squilliam a card]
Squilliam: Uhh, "Squidward Tentacles..."
Squidward: [puts a foam finger with words "#1 Squid" on Squilliam's left hand] And I need you to wear this.
Squilliam: Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest..."
Squidward: [puts a microphone in front of Squilliam] I'm sorry, one more time.
Squilliam: [over a loudspeaker in the restaurant] "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom... and he does not suck eggs."
[Every customer in the restaurant cheers.]
Squilliam: Squidward, I must tell you... [SpongeBob pours more water in Squilliam's glass and he drinks it] Thank you. What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It's as if all he knows is fine dining... and breathing. [to SpongeBob] I must know your name.
[Plays a record scratch sound effect.]
SpongeBob: My name?
Squilliam: Yes, your name, son.
SpongeBob: Uh... Beef Wellington?
Squilliam: [chuckles] No, your name.
SpongeBob: Uh... uh... the fork on the left?
Squidward: Heh. Stop joking. Tell him your name.
SpongeBob: My name? [zoom inside of SpongeBob's brain again where all the SpongeBobs are trying to search for a name]
Smaller SpongeBob #3: [as he checks file cabinets] What's his name?! What's his name?! I've got nothing on a name!
Smaller SpongeBob #4: [pressing a key on a keyboard connected to a computer] Come on, baby, what's the name?! [the computer bursts into flames. Panicked shouting is heard from other smaller SpongeBobs as they are running wildly around while papers are flying]
Smaller SpongeBob #5: We threw out his name! [more smaller SpongeBobs begin to run around while more papers are flying. SpongeBob's brain then breaks in half. Cuts back to Squilliam and Squidward with SpongeBob stammering for a moment. Then he splashes water on Squilliam and then starts to bark and going wild]
Squidward: Oh, I am so very sorry! I don't know what has gotten into that-- [screams in shock as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of hot soup by Fred]
SpongeBob: More soup for your armpits? [holds up Fred's arm and throws the soup on his armpits]
Fred: [screams in pain]
SpongeBob: [runs over to Martha and grabs her head] Please enjoy the food! [slams her face into her food then runs up to Nat] Would you like some cheese on that, sir?! [pulls out a cheese grater, picks him up, and grates his butt with it as Nat screams]
[Every fish screams and panics.]
Squidward: [frightened] No! No!
[Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen, screaming. And Mr. Krabs, still tied up, also runs of the kitchen and warns everyone that there's more danger for some things that he cooked so badly.]
Mr. Krabs: Run for your lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!
[The appetizer, which has now come to life, bursts through the door and roars. Mr. Krabs is sent flying. The appetizer crawls outwards, revealing its face to the camera. Everyone screams and panics. They crash through the windows and the door, running away. Squidward's tuxedo rips in half by itself and falls off, and his Krusty Krab hat and name tag land on him in their proper places. The name tag reads "Squidward Tentacles, Cashier."]
Squilliam: Well, Squiddy? I'm waiting.
Squidward: [his eyes tear up] Okay, I admit it! I'm a fraud! This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you. This isn't really my restaurant. I'm just a cashier!
Squilliam: Squidward, I understand. I have a confession to make myself. I made everything up about my life. I have no yachts, jets, or anything. I was only trying to impress you. The horrible, sad truth is, I'm a cashier, too! [starts to cry while Mr. Krabs plays the world's smallest violin]
Squidward: Is that true?
Squilliam: Of course not! I'm filthy stinking rich! Come on, everyone. Let's all take a ride in my balloon/casino! [everyone in his group cheers and follows Squilliam]
[The wallpaper in the Krusty Krab rips off. Squidward sits down and sighs for his failure.]
SpongeBob: [walks by with a bag of ice on his head] Ugh, I got such a headache. What's going on with you?
Squidward: Oh, the usual.
[Mr. Krabs slides over and plays the world's smallest violin once more. Cut to the outside of the Krusty Krab as the world's smallest violin continues playing. Squidward is furious and annoyed, off-screen.]
Squidward: [angrily] Would you get out of here?!
[Fade to black, ending the episode.]