Star-Robics/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Star-Robics/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens with a fearful Squidina on the stage.]
Squidina: Stay with me, Patrick. [holds out her hand] Grab my hand, and don't let go.
Patrick: [stretches out his arm, then falls to the floor exhausted] Squidina, I'm sorry. You have to go on without me. It's-- [zoom out to reveal Patrick on the floor right next to the stage platform] it's too far. [his face falls] Ugh.
Squidina: [facepalms] Come on. It's two steps! And the Lawnies are waiting for the show to start.
[Three Lawnies are in the audience, including Slappy. The other two Lawnies are asleep and one is snoring.]
Slappy: [cheering] Patrick, Patrick!
Patrick: [lies on his back] But we filmed yesterday. [slowly flails limbs] I'm tired.
Squidina: Yesterday's episode was about naps!
Patrick: Now, that was good TV. [begins snoring, then is woken up screaming by Squidina's air horn]
Squidina: No, it wasn't. Viewers want action! [raises fists] But you can't even walk to steps to get onto the stage. [sighs] Maybe this TV thing just isn't gonna work out.
Cecil: [opens the bedroom door] Did someone say, [raises fist] work out?
[An anime opening-style intro plays. Cecil holds a bowtie, which he puts on his chest, and it transforms into a leotard. He raises his grotesque foot, of which it gets wrapped around by a pink ribbon and turns into a gym shoe. Cecil then does the splits and a tank top appears on him. Wristbands appear on his wrists, then he grows a headband and does an anime-like pose.]
Cecil: I'm gonna help you get the pep back into your step.
Patrick: Dad! [drops his head onto the desk]
[Slappy and the kid Lawnie are now cheering.]
Green Lawnie: [wakes up, cheers] Yeah!
Cecil: [jumping] One, two, three, four! [continues jumping]
Patrick: [drooling on the desk asleep]
Squidina: Wow. Patrick, are you seeing this? [pulls Patrick's head up, making his eyes open]
Cecil: [does a backflip] Whoa! Woohoo! [continues jumping]
Patrick: I can't do that.
Cecil: Don't fret, son. [grabs a chair] We'll start with something simple. [jumps into the chair and reclines] Dad-robics. [footage of him dipping a chip into some dip plays in the top left corner] Dig deep. [footage of him using the TV remote plays in the bottom right corner] Turn it up. [footage of him flipping through rent bills plays in the top right corner] Get ready to move. [footage of him holding a newspaper plays in the bottom left corner] This just in, you're doing great. [repeatedly reclines in the chair back and forth] Crunch, crunch, crunch. [does jumping jacks on the chair] One, two, three. [gets trapped in the chair, then gets launched into the air, crashing into the ceiling]
Patrick: [looks up to see Cecil stuck in the ceiling] That was a close one. I almost had to exercise. [shudders] Eee. [Bunny taps him on the shoulder] Huh?
Bunny: Did someone say exercise? [blows a whistle in Patrick's face, then pulls down the stage curtain to reveal a jailhouse, and she lands in front of the cells, walking past them while snapping her fingers] ♪ Every other Tuesday on cell block six, the biggest and the toughest and most physically fit, are taking my Pilates class at half past 8:00. [slides down a pole] I brought 'em here today so we could demonstrate. [dances in front of spotlights] The Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Prisoners: ♪ Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Bunny: [as the prisoners play instruments] ♪ The Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Prisoners: ♪ Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Bunny: [leaps over to the popeye fish prisoner] ♪ When you're starting out, yes, it can be a struggle. But with the proper technique, [flexes her muscles] you'll find your strength is doubled. Speaking of technique, if you're going to do lifts, [pulls down her pant leg to show her leg] let your legs do the work and keep your posture like this. [lifts the cell door, and the prisoner escapes; skips along as the prisoners snap their fingers to the beat] And do the Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Prisoners: ♪ Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Bunny: ♪ The Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Prisoners: [as one of them escapes] ♪ Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Bunny: [emerges from a hole that a prisoner is digging with a spoon] Stop! What do you think you're doing there on the floor? [comes back to give the prisoner a shovel] ♪ You're gonna need more mass if you wanna work your core. ♪ [the prisoner digs down] Now, do the Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Prisoners: [diving off a platform and into holes] ♪ Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Bunny: ♪ The Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Prisoners: [emerge from the holes] ♪ Jailhouse Workout. ♪
Bunny: [holding a shovel] ♪ If you want to stay in shape, [breaks the shovel in two] the Jailhouse Workout is great. [tosses the shovel parts] Cardio now! [moves her torso] And a-one, two, three, four. [a prisoner grabs her keys with his trombone, unlocking the cell door] Five, six, seven, eight. [the cello prisoner escapes] If you wanna stay in shape, the Jailhouse Workout is great. [the keyboard prisoner gets pulled out of the cell] Yes, it is, now. If you want to stay in shape, the Jailhouse Workout is-- ♪ [notices everyone is gone] Oh, snickerdoodles. Not again.
[The scene fades to black as the scene changes to GrandPat onstage, covering his eyes from a spotlight shining onto him.]
GrandPat: All this newfangled fitness mumbo jumbo won't get you anywhere.
Slappy: [emerges from a hole, now giant and muscular] It won't?
GrandPat: No way! [picks up Patrick by the shirt] If you want vim and vigor, [lets go of Patrick and dances in the air] like GrandPat, [flexes his muscles, which turn to flab] you gotta work out the old fashioned way! [stands next to some old gym equipment] My vintage gym equipment will get you fit as a cello.
[An old black-and-white film countdown plays. The film changes to the title sequence, which reads "GRANDPAT STAR presents Fitness for the Ages."]
GrandPat: [narrating] Fitness for the Ages, with GrandPat Star. [Patrick is seen with his waist attached to a band on a piece of equipment, which he pulls on] First, let the vibrating belt ship you into shape. [presses the button on the belt to make it massage and vibrate Patrick]
Patrick: [giggles]
[GrandPat presses the button again to turn off the machine, and Patrick melts to the floor. Wipe transition to Patrick using another piece of equipment, his waist being hugged by a bar that moves up and down.]
GrandPat: Next, the slenderizing salon.
[The bar moves up past Patrick's neck, and he relaxes.]
GrandPat: [the bar moves up Patrick's face] A gentle massaging device.
Patrick: It's got my eyebrows! [the belt moves down to rip his eyebrows off, then moves back up to rip his face's skin off to reveal his skeleton] Now, that's a face lift.
[Iris out and back into Patrick in a machine, with only his head exposed.]
GrandPat: And here, we have the personal sauna.
Patrick: [sighs] And this one's pretty good. [buzzer sounds] Huh?
GrandPat: Your treatment is done. Let's see those results. [taps the machine, and steam rushes out of it as it opens up; Patrick now has GrandPat's lower body] Ta-da!
Patrick: [screams]
GrandPat: You've never looked better.
Squidina: [lowers her camera] Ugh! GrandPat, this isn't working. Those machines aren't making Patrick move at all.
GrandPat: Ah, you want him to move, huh? [picks up the machine] Well, this will make him move! Look lively, boy!
Patrick: [yells and runs away]
GrandPat: [throws the machine at Patrick] Yah!
[The machine crashes into the wall as Patrick narrowly dodges it.
Patrick: [laughs] That was a really high-impact workout. [the massaging machine is thrown at him, making his skin get tied into a bow, groans]
GrandPat: [holding the belt machine] Now ain't the time for diddly daddlin'. [tosses the machine]
Patrick: [gets up and narrowly dodges the machine, then several barbells are thrown at the wall; whimpers and flinches as GrandPat holds up a medicine ball near him]
GrandPat: Did you think I was gonna throw this at you? No, this is my medicine ball. [close-up of the ball, which is now a ball made up of a bunch of pills, which he drops into his mouth] Now, I got the energy to throw myself. [throws himself into Patrick] Yah!
[Wipe transition to Patrick inching across the floor like a worm while Squidina films.]
Patrick: [sighs] I give up. [lands on his upside-down bed on the ceiling]
Squidina: Patrick, you can't quit now.
Patrick: I can't even lift a finger. [tries to lift his finger, and his hand breaks off] Ugh. [his eyes shut] I can't keep my eyes open. [two mini Patricks stretch his eyelids to keep them open, then they wipe sweat off their foreheads, then his eyelids collapse onto them] Ugh. I can't even fall out of bed. [jumps out of his bed and lands back on it] See?
Squidina: [scratches her chin as Patrick continues to try getting out of bed] Hmm. Getting Patrick into shape could take years. [gasps, snaps fingers, flips the spinner on the time closet, which lands on a prehistoric image with a volcano and Squidasaurus Rex] 35 million years, to be precise.
Patrick: But I can't get out of bed! Whoa!
Squidina: [grunts, cranks a metal jack-in-the-box with a boxing glove, which punches Patrick into the time closet] Wow. One of GrandPat's workout machines actually came in handy.
[Patrick screams as he goes through the time closet, which appears on the ceiling of a prehistoric cave. Some pterodactyls fly away as Patrick falls out of the time closet and bounces to the ground like an accordion. Patrick gets frightened as the ground shakes and some bat clams fly by.]
Patrick: [whimpers as a growling figure approaches] Cave Patrick?
Cave Patrick: That's right. And me had it. [points at Patrick] You embarrassing me!
Patrick: [talking to a fish drawing on the wall] I think he's talking to you.
Cave Patrick: Me watch Patrick Show every day.
Patrick: Hey, thanks for tuning in.
Cave Patrick: Is only channel. [holds up an arm with a poorly drawn Patrick face on it] And you, Patrick, make [holds up his other arm, which has his face poorly drawn on it] me Patrick look like... [holds up a prehistoric TV] weakling.
Patrick on TV: [in the bathroom with a toilet stuck on his butt] Tune in next time. Find out if I'm still stuck inside this toilet.
Patrick: Oh, that was a classic. [looks at his butt, which has the same toilet stuck on it] Get excited for part two.
Cave Patrick: [tosses TV away, gestures to evolutionary cave paintings] Me not evolve for 35 million years to turn into wimp. [shows a gooey Patrick cave drawing]
Patrick: [his belly suddenly grows] OK. I may have missed a couple of workouts.
Cave Patrick: No worry. I teach you how to work out prehistoric way. [grows muscles] Muscles will grow! [ties Patrick's belly fat around his neck] Weakness will go extinct.
[The time closet disappears.]
Patrick: Well, I guess I'm stuck here. So, OK!
[Patrick puts on leopard print wristbands. He begins punching Squidasaurus Rex's nose, who eats him, Cave Patrick, and the ground below them. Then, Cave Patrick cracks a large egg into a small bowl, then chugs it. Patrick sets down a larger egg, which cracks open to reveal a dinosaur inside. The dinosaur cracks Patrick like an egg into a bowl and chugs it. Then, Patrick runs on a prehistoric treadmill. The dinosaur from before runs on two treadmills and eats Patrick. Patrick is then seen running up a large staircase and cheers when he reaches the top. He then sees the dinosaur's face as he is on top of it. The dinosaur roars and Patrick screams, then they run through time. Patrick catches a nut-shaped rock and throws it behind him. He then carries a pyramid while wearing a Pharoah's hat, then wears a toga while carrying a coliseum. He then carries a giant ship while wearing a sailor's outfit, which he breaks in two. He then carries the empire state building while wearing a businessman outfit. Finally, Patrick, who is now giant and muscular, breaks through his own house, and the dinosaur breaks into the stage.]
Dinosaur: [roars, frightening the Lawnies; grabs a towel] Phew. That was quite a run. [tosses the towel] I really worked up an appetite. [roars]
Lawnies: [scream]
[Slappy covers his head as the other Lawnies get chased by the dinosaur.]
Squidina: [nervously laughs onstage while tugging on her shirt] Patrick, where are you? The show is ending. [the ground shakes] Huh?
Patrick: [towers over Squidina as the curtains are pulled away] We're not finished yet. [laughs] I must have more gains! [lifts up the entire stage, as well as his house, and pushes them up as Slappy runs away; shakes the house to make his family fall out] Now, drop and give me 20!
Star family: Yes, sir. Yes, yes./OK, sir. [begin doing push-ups as Patrick moves the house up and down]
Patrick: [tosses away his house] Need more weight. [begins doing reps with the earth] Ya! Feel the burn! [points to the sun] This guy gets it.
Sun: Please don't hurt me.
Patrick: [does reps while holding the earth, his muscles straining as he grows] One, two, seven, banana, another banana, some other number. Grapefruit. [explodes as his remains fall like snow]
Cecil: Ah, I remember the first time I exploded trying to deadlift a planet. [catches Patrick's head]
Patrick: Lesson learned. Sometimes, it's important to exercise. [his head is now seen planted in a bowl of water] And sometimes you just need to veg out. [Squidina sprays water onto him] Join us next time while we watch me regrow my spinal thingy.
Squidina: [waving] Good night, everybody.
Dinosaur: [waving and grunting, then the screen irises out]