Star Cruise/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Star Cruise/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode begins with a late night shot in a desert. A full moon can be seen, and the Star family vehicle drives by.]
All: [cheering] Family fun cruise! Family fun cruise!
Cecil: We're almost there. Get ready to set sail on the [the others get excited] SS "Family Fun."
Bunny: Ooh, what should we do on the ship first?
Squidina: Let's check the [pulls out brochure] cruise brochure.
Patrick: Ooh, [takes brochure] gimme! I'll share with everyone. [expands map so it covers Cecil and Bunny's faces] Here's the all-you-can-eat [displays brochure pictures] island buffet.
Squidina: [off-screen] Infinity kiddie pool.
GrandPat: [off-screen] Senior singles bingo night. Whoa, mama.
Cecil: Say, son, can we do this later? Gotta keep my [points to his eye] eyes on the road.
All: [as Patrick retracts his map] Huh?
[The family van is rolling down a hill like a boulder. Everyone screams, then the van lands on the ground below.]
Cecil: [pulling the fog apart] Sure is a thick fog. That means we made it to the pier. [pointing up] What a nifty shortcut that was!
Bunny: Oh, Cecil, [points ahead as everyone looks] look!
[A ship horn blares as people can be seen being abducted by a ship.]
Cecil: Cruise ship [points ahead] ahoy! [begins driving]
All: Family fun cruise! Family fun cruise! [get abducted by the ship and start screaming]
Bubble Bass: [being abducted] Hmm. It appears I am being abducted by aliens. Finally, [lounges mid-air] I get to meet some intelligent life. [gets hit by the Star family van]
Cecil: [pointing to Bubble Bass' butt on the windshield] Look, honey, a full moon.
Bunny: Ooh, what a romantic way to start our vacation. [both kiss]
[The spaceship finishes abducting everyone, and it shoots off into space. Inside the spaceship, people are trapped in pods filled with goo and are traveling along a conveyor belt. An alien writes on a clipboard while observing them. The camera pans up to see people being grabbed by cranes along another belt.]
Fish: Ohh.
[Another fish gets dropped into a pod that gets filled with the green goo as it passes on.]
Upturn: [her butt is grabbed by a claw] I am offended. [claw shoves her into the pod, which gets filled with goo as it passes on]
Bubble Bass: [being grabbed by several claws as he squirms] Get your metal claws off me. [gets shoved into the pod] Ugh! [gets squirted with goo as it fills up the pod] Ooh! [moves along the belt]
Alien general: [cackles while watching through a window] Yes, [to several other aliens sitting at a table] my fellow invaders, once we've harvested enough of these primitive Earth creatures, we'll be one step closer to our ultimate objective, [presses a button to display an Earth hologram] invading planet Earth!
Aliens: [applauding]
Alien general: And there will be no force in the galaxy that can get in our way. [cackles, then the Star family van runs through a pod in the background, shattering it]
Cecil: [driving through pods] Oh, this parking situation is a mess.
Bunny: And what's with all these green traffic cones?
Cecil: [driving along the conveyor belt] No parking there, none there either. Nope. [an explosion occurs]
Bunny: [gasps] Ooh, [pointing] honey, there's a spot right there! [a fish lands on the windshield]
Cecil: [looking out the window] I see it. And it's mine. [windshield wipers knock the fish off as Cecil pumps the gas]
Aliens: [scream, then Cecil knocks them away as he parks the van into a vacant spot]
Cecil: Let the vacation commence!
[Everyone gets out and starts talking to each other. Cecil opens the trunk as an alien appears.]
Alien: [angrily speaking gibberish to Cecil]
Cecil: Ooh, you're an [pokes the alien's belly] angry little bellhop. [puts suitcases into the alien's hands] Room 42, please. Oh, I mean, cabin 42. We're on a ship. [approaches what looks like an elevator] And this must be the elevator. Going [presses a button] up.
[A hatch opens up, causing the suitcases' contents to be sucked into space.]
Alien: [screams, then holds onto a pole to avoid being sucked in]
Cecil: [repeatedly pressing the button, and the alien gets sucked in] Oh, come on. Come on.
Alien: [uses its limbs to grab onto the hatch, then gets hit by the Star family van and gets sucked into space with it, then the hatch shuts]
Cecil: [approaching the others, who are watching Earth through a window] Well, the [points behind] elevator's broken. Looks like we're using our [points to one of his legs] sea legs.
[As they all walk away, the van passes by while honking. The alien is sitting on the front of it, sulking.]
[Suitcase transition to the Stars walking in a hallway.]
Cecil: OK. We're looking for cabin 42... [looks at a glowing symbol on the door] These numbers look like gobbledygook.
Bunny: Maybe it's español-ay?
Cecil: Let's give it a shot! [presses door and steam comes out, he and Bunny recoil] Ooh!
Bunny: Mmm...
[The door slides open. The Stars, except for GrandPat, look inside in amazement.]
Bunny, Cecil, Squidina, and Patrick: Wow!
Cecil: What a beautiful room! [they walk past a glowing plasma orb and put on sunglasses, except for GrandPat] Well-lit. [they walk past jets of fire, which Cecil points to] Hot showers. [they walk up to an engine] And a king-sized vibrating bed!
GrandPat: Out of my way! [rubs hands together] GrandPat's got to take this puppy for a test nap! [jumps on it and groans, twisting his back against the lights]
Cecil: While GrandPat catches some beauty sleep, let's explore the ship. Meet up for dinner?
Patrick and Squidina: [nodding] Yeah, yeah, yeah! [they run outside, with Cecil and Bunny walking behind]
Patrick: Sweet dreams, GrandPat!
Squidina: See you later, GrandPat!
Cecil: Enjoy your cruise-y snooze. [smiles and crouches as the door closes behind him]
GrandPat: [grunts, throws alarms off engine, hits it] This darn mattress needs some tenderizing! [takes out a giant hammer and smashes it, pulls out wires] Ooh, an electric blankie! [alarm blaring]
Female electronic voice: Engine malfunction.
GrandPat: Dadgum alarm clock! [rips out a gear and throws it at the alarm, breaking it] Ahh! [relaxes] Ahh. [wraps himself in cables and falls asleep, snoring and getting electrocuted]
[A UFO abducting an anchovy transitions to Squidina and Patrick walking through a hallway.]
Patrick: There's got to be something fun on this ship. [sees an entrance] Whoa! [grabs Squidina]
[The camera pans across a room full of neon lights, resembling an arcade.]
Squidina and Patrick: [with pixelated pupils] Video game arcade!
Patrick: [runs onto a cabinet] Me first, me first! [starts pressing buttons and moving the joystick]
Squidina: Get him, get him!
Patrick: [while blasting obstacles in the game] The action feels so lifelike!
[The camera zooms out to show that Patrick is actually operating the ship's cannon, firing laser beams at another ship.]
Patrick: Ha-ha, this game's too easy.
[The cabinet display turns to static. A fuzzy brown alien against a fiery backdrop shows up.]
Fuzzy alien: Stop this at once! What do you think you're doing?
Patrick and Squidina: Wow! [to each other] Great graphics!
Fuzzy alien: Why are you shooting at us? We're supposed to invade Earth together! [presses against screen] We're invasion buddies!
Squidina: [sighs] Too much talking.
Patrick: Yeah, back to the action! [keeps pressing buttons and moving the joystick faster]
[Three aliens are walking into the room. The first has a cup of coffee, the second has a donut, and the third is talking.]
Alien: So then I says to him, I says--
[The aliens gasp and try to pull Patrick away from the game, but fail and squish up against a game cabinet like Tetris blocks.]
Fuzzy alien: Stop! We surrender! [waves white flag] You win! You win!
Patrick: I win? [scratches head] Huh. Short game. [looks at console] I wonder if I can get my quarter back. [sees button] Aha! [presses a button with an alien skull symbol]
[More lasers appear from the ship and charge up a shot.]
Patrick: Ah, guess it's too late. Let's get going, Squidina. [they leave]
Alien general: [walks in] Time to check in with our invasion buddies. 'Sup, fellas? [sips coffee]
[He sits in front of the cabinet and the shot fires, making him spit out his coffee in surprise. He sees the ship's debris and captain floating outside.]
Fuzzy alien: Whyyy!?
Alien general: Aah! [whistles, shuts blinds]
[Tom trapped in a pod transitions to another hallway door opening. Cecil and Bunny walk in and see Old Man Walker fired in a pod. An alien is using a remote to shoot multiple fish pods onto a shuffleboard-like target on the floor.]
Cecil: I think we found the [holds hands with Bunny] shuffleboard court!
[The alien blinks individually with both eyes.]
Alien: [yawns and stretches, speech bubble with a small cup of coffee]
Second alien: [walks in, speech bubble with large cup of coffee]
Alien: [agrees, sets the remote on a holder and they walk off]
Cecil: [takes remote] Now watch the shuffleboard king at work! [grunts, picks up eight pods and sends them through the wall]
Fish: Whoa! [the pods fly down to Earth] We're free!
Bunny: Ooh, Cecil, you put some [flexes] muscle [shakes shoulders] in that shuffle!
Cecil: Thanks, hon!
[Cecil picks up the rest of the pods and flings them through the hole. The two aliens, with their cups of coffee, return and start shouting. Cecil hits the one with the big cup and sends it flying outside.]
Cecil: Excuse me, sir, this court is in play.
Bunny: [nods]
Alien: [looks outside, releases cup, turns back to Cecil and says angry gibberish]
Cecil: Well, then you can shuffle off, mister!
[Cecil uses the remote to send the alien outside. He smacks into the other alien.]
Aliens: [screaming]
[Cecil cringes, then shrugs.]
Cecil: I told him it was in play.
[Cecil uses the remote to grab more things, which turn out to be Patrick and Squidina.]
Squidina: Dad, stop!
Patrick: You guys hungry?
Cecil and Bunny: You bet we are!
[Cecil releases the remote, making Patrick and Squidina fall to the ground. A pan down through the ship shows an alien monitoring a giant alien queen. It gives birth and spits an egg into a room full of them. The general and another alien are down there.]
Alien general: Isn't it beautiful? Once these super soldier eggs hatch, we'll be ready to [pounds fist] pulverize this puny planet even without our invasion buddies!
Alien: [claps]
[Patrick walks in from the dark, with his pupils enlarged.]
Patrick: [gasps, pupils shrink] All... [eyes shrink] day... [smiles wide] breakfast... [Cecil, Bunny, and Squidina appear behind him] buffet!?
Cecil, Bunny, Patrick, and Squidina: Woo-hoo! [dive into the eggs]
Alien general: [holding egg] Nothing will be able to destroy our invincible army! [face falls, turns to look and sees the Stars sucking on the eggs] No! Stop eating my soldiers!
Patrick: [sucks up the eggs with his mouth like a vaccuum]
Squidina: [cracks an egg with a spoon, then eats it messily]
Cecil and Bunny: Cheers! [bang eggs together to crack them and eat the insides]
Alien general: No! [his pupils turn into eggs, which shatter]
Stars: [turn around to see the general]
Bunny: [waves] Ooh, breakfast with the captain!
Alien general: [steps up] You... you... you [screams and leans over the family, making them squish down] terra firma twerps! You ate our entire invasion force! [pants heavily]
Patrick: Wait. You sound pretty cranky. [holds out cracked eggshell] You should have some breakfast!
[The alien general's pupils shrink in surprise, then he kicks the family out against the airlock. Another alien is mumbling and bringing GrandPat in with the remote.]
GrandPat: I hope you're taking me to the bathroom. For both our sakes. [the general grabs him and throws him into the wall] Ahh! Ow!
Alien general: Well, saboteurs, any last words? [prepares to press the opening button]
Patrick: Last what now?
Cecil: I think the captain's looking for feedback.
Patrick: Feedback? Oh. [to general] Well, the breakfast buffet could use a little variety.
Squidina: [shrugs] It was pretty good...
Bunny: The decor is a bit gaudy.
Cecil: [rubs chin] The signage is very confusing.
GrandPat: [folds arms] Your beds are lumpy!
[The alien general presses the button.]
Patrick: [off-screen] The arcade's a rip-off!
GrandPat: [off-screen] And another thing!
Squidina: [off-screen] Eggs for breakfast?
[The glass doors shut, muffling most of the family's talking. The general smirks and keeps pressing the button, launching the Stars out the airlock.]
Cecil: [holds on] And your elevator's brokeeen! [the door shuts]
[The Stars scream as they fly through space, only to land back in their car.]
Alien general: [collapses on the arcade chair] Whew. Thank Orion that's over.
[The screen turns on, showing the same fuzzy alien, now bandaged. Other windows show many others, all crossing their arms.]
Fuzzy alien: There's the traitor who destroyed our ship!
Alien general: W-w-wait, I can explain!
Fuzzy alien: Save it. I can't believe we were ever invasion buddies.
[Everything disappears from the screen and it turns off. Yellow and red lights flash as an alarm blares. The general looks out the window to see himself surrounded by ships. The bandaged alien presses a button and prepares to fire a laser beam.]
Alien general: [hands slide down glass] Mother.
[The ship gets hit and explodes into bursts of smoke. Zoom out to show the view in the car's rear view mirror, which Cecil adjusts.
Cecil: Whoa-oh-oh! [turns around] Look out the back window, kids!
[Patrick, Squidina, and GrandPat turn around.]
Patrick and Squidina: [amazed] Fireworks!
[The ship explodes into fireworks.]
Bunny: [off-screen] What a festive sendoff!
[The camera zooms into the alien general and another alien, injured, still floating in space.]
Alien general: Why? Why!? I just wanted to invade the Earth! [sobbing]
Cecil: Well, that sure was a nice cruise. But now it's time to cruise [takes out key] on home! Next stop, Bikini Bottom!
[Cecil puts the key in the ignition as the rest of the family reclines. After moving for a bit, there is a loud crash as everyone lurches forward and the front of the car is dented.]
Cecil: [looking] Uh-oh. What did we hit?
[The camera zooms out to show the car having crashed into the S.S. Super Minnow.]
Quasar: [opens window] Great Scott, Pat-Tron! [Pat-Tron appears and Quasar points to Cecil] Some Sunday driver just bendered our fender!
Cecil: [nervously scratching head and sweating] Uh, sorry, my bad. You could just buff that out. [a piece of the S.S. Super Minnow falls on the hood and a car alarm blares]
Quasar: I still think we should exchange insurance information. [makes "gimme" hand gesture]
Cecil: [nervously] Oh, I think I left it on the ship. I'll be right back. [rolls up window, then rapidly puts on seat belt and pulls the car backwards]
[The Stars shout as a black hole sucks up their car, then blows a kiss. It grabs a straw and sucks up the rest of the background, and then itself.]