Survivoring/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Survivoring/transcript" from season , which aired on .

[The episode opens at the Star family home. One morning, Patrick and Squidina are preparing to go camping. They are dressed in camping outfits and Squidina polishes a camera, while Patrick stretches a cloth.]
Squidina: Oh, boy! This camping trip is gonna make the most exciting episode of "The Patrick Show" yet.
Patrick: [ties the cloth and twists his head up] Uh-oh.
Squidina: [blows on the camera lens and wipes it off] Just imagine, a sea star versus the elements. [Patrick smiles] A TV host versus the wild. [Patrick looks uncomfortable] It's kill or be killed, [Patrick sinks down in discomfort] eat or be eaten.
Patrick: Oh! [drooling] I could eat!
Squidina: And eat you shall! [spins him around and gives him a bag] You'll be living off the land. That's why we're bringing only the bare essentials. [the bag is empty, and Squidina pulls out supplies] A compass, [the compass has Patrick's face and points north] a flint and tinder, [she holds up some burning logs and gives them to Patrick, and they burn] some twine...
Patrick: Ooh! [slurps the ball of twine]
Squidina: And a change of underwear. [pulls out a white pair of underwear, which sparkles]
Patrick: Phew, just in time.
[Patrick takes out a green pair of underwear, which turns into a ghost and wails. He looks around awkwardly and shoves the new pair of underwear in his pants. Squidina ties up the bag of supplies for him. Cecil walks in, singing.]
Cecil: Whoa, there! You kids can't bring all that.
Squidina: We can't?
Cecil: [brings them outside] Of course not. I could only afford the extra, mega, jumbo size RV. [shows a giant RV in the front yard] Oh, this baby is so chock-full of color TVs and king-sized beds, there won't be any room for that bundle! [throws Patrick's bag away and pushes his kids to the RV, as they all laugh] All aboard for fun!
[Cecil drives the RV away. Patrick and Squidina look around in amazement.]
Patrick: Wow!
Squidina: Dad, I'm producing a show about Patrick roughing it in the wilderness. This isn't roughing it.
Patrick: [on massage table] I don't know. This massage table's being pretty rough on my back. [hands massage him] Oh, baby.
Cecil: Don't worry, sweetie. Once we get to the campsite, we'll really be roughing it. You'll see. [takes out a VHS tape] Why don't you two watch a fun camping movie to get in the mood?
[Hands grab Patrick and Squidina and put them down in a movie theater. A black and white countdown is on the projector screen. We see a movie with various kids in a dark forest, sitting around a campfire.]
Campers: [singing] ♪ One little, two little, three little teenagers! Four little, five little, six little teenagers ♪
[The text "Campfire Massacre 7" appears as a woman shrieks.]
Patrick: [nervously] "Campfire Massacre 7." I hope it's a comedy.
[Blood comes down the screen as we see the campers again.]
Campers: [singing] ♪ Seven little, eight little, nine little-- ♪
[A monster comes out of the kelp as the kids scream. The monster squishes them into a smore and swallows them whole, then burps. Patrick and Squidina hug each other and scream. They run out of the theater and to the front of the van.]
Patrick: Dad, will there be any monsters in the woods where we're camping?
Cecil: [reassuring] Oh, son. [loudly] Of course there will! That's why this RV is packed to the gills with anti-monster technology.
[There are satellites and missiles on top of the RV. A missile hones in on a billboard for "Joe's Seafood" with a monstrous-looking crab on it. A hand comes out of the satellite and presses a button on the missile holder, making it launch and blow up the billboard. The RV drives past. It passes a cornfield, showing Old Man Walker behind the corn. It drives up and down trees in a forest. It drives past buildings, briefly stretching them. It flies through space and gets hit by a meteor. It drives through the walls of the Chum Bucket. Finally, it stops in the middle of the forest. Cecil honks the horn, which plays "La Cucaracha." He stretches himself out of his chair and flies into the wall, coming out with a toilet stuck on his head.]
Cecil: And now it's time to rough it.
[He takes Patrick and Squidina out and presses a foot against the side of the RV, revealing fold-out beds. Hands place two heat lamps. Sky-themed mobiles and a white noise machine come down. Cecil puts Patrick, then Squidina, to bed, and gets in his own bed.]
Cecil: Ah! Now this is roughing it. [claps twice to turn off the lights]
[In the morning, Cecil wakes up face-down in the dirt. He spits it out of his eyes and looks around.]
Cecil: [groans] What's going on? Where's the RV?
Squidina: [with a camera] Don't worry, Dad. I just needed more space to set up for Patrick's survival competition show, "Toughing it Out." [shows the logo behind the kelp] The RV kept getting in the shot, so I asked Patrick to move it.
Patrick: Yup. Parked it right over there.
[The RV is hovering off the edge of a cliff. It falls down and explodes, creating fireworks.]
Patrick and Cecil: Whoa! [giggling and dancing]
Squidina: [concerned] Patrick, you blew up the RV! [excited] This is great! I hope you're ready to struggle for your life 'cause now we're really roughing it. [cackles]
Patrick: [quietly] Dad, I'm scared.
Cecil: Don't worry, son. When dads go camping, they always bring the three Gs with them: [shows tools in his coat] gadgets, gizmos, and gear. See? I've got all the doodads.
Patrick: You sure do, Dad! [elbows him and laughs]
Cecil: [laughing] Doodad!
Patrick: [laughing] Doodad!
Cecil: [laughing] Doodad!
Patrick: [laughing] Doodad!
Cecil: [laughing] Doodad!
Squidina: All right. We're rolling on camera one, so pull it together, you two! Now this surviroring competition is all about the first thing you do when lost in the woods, building shelters. You'll each have 30 minutes--
Cecil: Oh, Squidina. The first thing we need to build is a toilet. [holds crotch and squirms] 'Cause I've been holding it in since we left home!
[Cecil presses a button on a small device. It builds into a portable outhouse, which he uses.]
Patrick: Cool. That's way better than my toilet. [he goes in a hole in the ground, then jumps out and holds Cecil's arm from behind the outhouse door] We have a winner.
Squidina: Ugh, that's not how this works. You two have to build shelters.
Patrick and Cecil: [laughing]
Patrick: I don't think so. Since I just made bathroom, I'm ready to eat again. The next competition is forest food. First one to make lunch wins. [prepares to run] On your mark, get set--
Cecil: [whistle sounds] Done!
[Cecil pulls a rope and two metal boards come out of his coat. They build into a portable stove. Patrick and Squidina are surprised. Cecil fries up a bunch of forest debris.]
Cecil: Who wants omelets?
Patrick: Oh, I do, I do!
Squidina: Mmm!
[Patrick dumps it into his mouth. Squidina bites it with a fork, but spits it out in disgust.]
Squidina: Dad, that's just leaves and dirt!
Cecil: Well, all my ingredients were on the RV, so I had to rely on the bounty of nature. [sees pinecone] Ooh. [opens it and pours it in the pan, then tops it with dirt] Who wants seconds?
Patrick: Ooh, I do, I do! [dumps it in his mouth, chews, and burps out a log] Mmm, piney. [holds Cecil's arm] I declare Dad the winner, again!
Squidina: [walks away with her camera] Fine! If I'm going to make a show about roughing it, I'm going to have to build a shelter myself!
Patrick: [tears up] Squidina!
Ccil: Oh, let her go, son. She'll be back. Remember, there's no forest so dark it could stifle the light of a woman's soul.
Patrick: Wow. That's beautiful, Dad.
Cecil: Thanks! [shows door of the metal outhouse] I read it on the wall of the bathroom I built!
[Thunder crashes. A lightning bolt explodes Cecil's outhouse. Patrick and Cecil shiver.]
Patrick: Gosh, maybe we do need shelter. Did you bring some automatic tent-y thing?
Cecil: [searches coat] Hm, I can't seem to find it. Must have left it at home.
[Patrick and Cecil shiver some more. Back at home, GrandPat is on the couch with the TV remote. He tries to change the channel, but gets knocked over by a pop-up tent coming out of the remote.]
Patrick and Cecil: I wish Squidina was here!
[Squidina has set up her camera and is making a tent out of leaves. She tightens the stake to the ground.]
Squidina: There! Now that's how you build a survival shelter. [wind gusts and blows the tent away] Maybe Dad had the right idea. Anyone living out here without gadgets or gizmos is a real ding-dong. Huh?
[Bug-like creatures are hissing in the woods. They approach Squidina.]
Squidina: Oh! Uh, I didn't mean you guys. [gulps]
[Patrick is shivering in the woods. A leaf hits his face, and he eats it with his tongue.]
Cecil: [off-screen] Okay, son! The shelter is ready!
[Patrick runs over to see a stack of sea bears arranged as a house.]
Cecil: Sea bears have thick fur coats, so we should be warm and dry inside.
Patrick: Oh, boy! Squidina's going to love this when she comes back!
[He slams the door, waking up the sea bears. They maul Patrick and Cecil, then leave.]
Cecil: Maybe I should've used sea lions.
[Rustling is heard in the bushes.]
Patrick and Cecil: [gasp]
Patrick: That sounds like that teenager-eating monster, and I'm a--hold on. [cuts himself with a saw and inspects the rings on his body] Ahh! I'm a teenager!
Cecil: And I still suffer from mild acne breakouts, so it might mistake me for a teen. [close-up of Cecil's acne] Curse my youthful complexion!
[They scream and run away.]
Patrick: Please don't eat us!
[They are scared by some snapping clams. Patrick runs into a jellyfish hive and gets stung, and the jellyfish chase him away.]
Cecil: Squidina, where are you?
Patrick: There's a monster loose that wants to eat you! [sees someone wrapped in a kelp cloak] Ahh! The monster!
Cecil: That's no monster! That's my daughter!
[Squidina takes off her cloak.]
Patrick: Squidina? Oh, thank goodness. I could really use another change of underwear.
[Patrick pulls his pants and three ghosts come out.]
Squidina: [rasping whisper, points at Patrick and Cecil]
Cecil: My daughter is the monster! Run!
[Squidina and the isopods chase Patrick and Cecil through the forest. The two are trapped under a snare net. They throw it off themselves, and are surrounded by isopods.]
Cecil: [to Squidina] Please, Squidina, you can't eat my boy! He hasn't experienced the world yet!
Patrick: Yeah, eat Dad! He's experienced enough!
Squidina: Oh, I don't want to eat either of you. I was just trying to show you my survival shelter!
[Two isopods pull kelp away to reveal a giant mansion.]
Cecil and Patrick: Ooh!
Patrick: So, sis, if you just wanted to show us your shelter, how come you were making all those scary noises?
Squidina: I was speaking Isopod. [rasping whisper]
[Two isopod butlers bring a drink for Patrick and Cecil.]
Squidina: After I met them in the woods, I spent the next several minutes learning their language, assuming their manner of dress, and becoming their leader. With their help, I was able to build the shelter of my dreams.
[They go out to a backyard pool and relax on lounge chairs. Isopod butlers bring them popcorn and drinks.]
Patrick: Now this is how you rough it. [the show's logo appears] I declare Squidina the winner of "Toughing it Out." [they all toast their drinks]
Cecil: Here, here!
Squidina: Whoo-hoo!
[The sea monster from the movie shows behind them. Patrick, Squidina, and Cecil scream and run away. The monster destroys the shelter and roars. The text "THE END" appears written in blood.]
Ominous male voice: [narrating] The end.