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Thanks But No Thanksgiving/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Thanks But No Thanksgiving/transcript" from season , which aired on .

  • [The episode opens with a shot of the Star house on Thanksgiving]
  • Bunny: [imitates a turkey] Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble! Are all my turkey-lurkeys done packing?
  • Patrick: [stuffing his face with food] I'm packing as much as I can! [he shoves a turkey leg into his mouth, pushing everything else out]
  • Bunny: No, Patrick. Not that kind of packing. [pulls down a map of Klopnod] We're taking a trip to visit my family in Klopnod. For Thanksgiving! Or as we call it there: Thom, skull, splatch, gulsh! Besides, you don't want to ruin your appetite.
  • Patrick: [voice muffled from the food in his mouth] Fine, [spits out his turkey into his suitcase] I'll pack.
  • [Squidina is shoving a pole with lights into a small suitcase]
  • Squidina: I'm almost done too!
  • [Pieces of toast come flying into Bunny's hair from the kitchen]
  • Cecil: Sorry honey, can't have Thanksgiving without a toaster! [tosses the toaster into the suitcase] As well as- [strains as he lifts a refrigerator into the suitcase] the fridge! Whew! And most importantly, my Thanksgiving grill. Let's get this puppy prepped! [starts pouring coal onto the grill] Oh, I can't wait to cook up that Thanksgiving dinner! You know, [pulls out his wallet as a series of photos roll down it] holiday after holiday, your mother's proved to be er... hard to impress. [shows a series of photos of Cecil doing things to impress Agnes, all of them not working] But this one's gonna be different. And maybe, just maybe, I'll finally get my first compliment from her. [the grill erupts flames into Cecil's face, disintegrating all the hair on his head and face]
  • [transition to the Star family in the car]
  • Cecil: Luggage, check. Wife and kids, check. GrandPat? Uh...
  • GrandPat: On the way! [he walks out of the house carrying a bunch of weapons]
  • Bunny: [stops him] Oh, no you don't. No weapons, mister. The Klopnodian War ended eons ago. I don't want you starting it up again!
  • GrandPat: [throws all his military gear aside] Fiddle faddle!
  • Bunny: Is that everything?
  • GrandPat: It sure is.
  • [Bunny shakes his beard and several more weapons fall out, including a bomb set to explode in the coming seconds]
  • GrandPat: Aww, double fiddle faddle! [The two walk away, but GrandPat sneaks back and puts a slingshot into his beard. The bomb then explodes and launches him to the car window.]
  • Cecil: Buckle up everyone!
  • [He drives the car into a large box. A nearby mailman loads it into his mail truck and drives to the airport. The airplane then bounces off mountains and falls into Klopnod.]
  • Agnes: [looks at her watch] They're late. No doubt due to Bunny's no-good shlaboitnik of a husband. Huh? [the box falls on top of her and Cecil's car rolls out]
  • Cecil: Bumpy landing. Last time we go with that airline.
  • [Patrick sees Agnes's feet sticking out from under the box]
  • Patrick: Ooh! Free shoes! [he takes off her shoes]
  • Agnes: [sticks out her head] Hey! Hands off my shoes! [She launches a beam from her wand towards Patrick, which causes her shoes to kick Patrick and return to her.]
  • [Bunny and Squidina run towards Agnes]
  • Bunny: Mom!
  • Squidina: Grandma!
  • [the three hug]
  • Cecil: Hiya, Agnes! Best mother-in-law in the world! Bring it in!
  • Agnes: Ugh, here we go.
  • [Agnes freezes Cecil as he is about to run to hug her]
  • Bunny: Mom! You promised that you wouldn't use magic on Cecil when we visit. Where's your Thanksgiving spirit?
  • Agnes: Fine, fine! A begrudging promise is still a promise.
  • [She unfreezes Cecil and he instantly resumes running toward her and hugging her]
  • Cecil: This'll be a Thanksgiving you'll never forget!
  • Agnes: Ugh, amnesia potion, here I come.
  • [Transition to the group walking inside Agnes's house]
  • Agnes: The rest of the family has already arrived. Squidina, eh, other child, meet your aunt Esmerelda.
  • [Esmerelda flies around on a broomstick then looks herself in the mirror]
  • Agnes: [appears in the mirror] Hey! Put that magic mirror away! The rest of the family is here!
  • Esmerelda: Oh! Sister Bunny and her family! [floats down] Why, you must be Patrick and Squidina. Say hello to my beautiful children [points to two silhouettes who resemble Patrick and Squidina] Squatrick-
  • Squatrick: El-deel, el-deel, el-deel, el.
  • Esmerelda: ...and Patina.
  • Patina: [holding two cellphones] If you can't even talk to my cousin, then let's make some magic happen!
  • [Patrick and Squatrick stare at each other, agape]
  • Patrick: Shake? [holds out his hand]
  • Squatrick: Shake. [they both squeeze each other's armpits]
  • Agnes: [walking with Bunny with Cecil trailing behind] Last, but certainly least, your new stepdad. Gerhard.
  • Gerhard: Gorfstra.
  • Bunny: [whispers to Agnes] But what happened to my old stepdad?
  • Agnes: It didn't work out between us. So I did the sensible thing. I turned him into furniture!
  • Ex-husband: Hiya, Bunny!
  • Agnes: Just like with all your old stepdads. [pans to show two more stepdads who have been turned into furniture] They're much more useful this way.
  • Cecil: Enchanted to meet you Gerhard! [eagerly holds out his hand]
  • [Gerhard stiffly raises his eyebrow. Cecil starts sweating profusely as Gerhard stares into him.]
  • Cecil: Uh, Bunny, what's going on?
  • [Bunny and Agnes glare at him]
  • Cecil: Why aren't you guys saying anything? Is it my sweaty palms? [zooms in on his hands which are spurting with sweat]
  • [Cecil screams, then slowly starts to melt as he feels everyone's eyes on him, until he is finally a puddle]
  • All: Sunchacho! [clap]
  • Bunny: Wonderful! Oh relax, dear. That was just our traditional Klopnodian awkward stare greeting.
  • Cecil: Oh.
  • Bunny: This Thanksgiving is already off to a great start. [hugs Esmerelda]
  • Agnes: Okay everyone, make yourselves comfortable. I'll conjure up some dinner.
  • Patina: Come on, Squidina. Let us go out back and play my favorite Klopnodian game. Ot ot bloot!
  • Squidina: Sure, I'd love to try- [blabs repeatedly]
  • Patrick: [hops after her] Gesundheit!
  • Squatrick: We'll play that too if we find all the pieces!
  • Esmerelda: It's so nice to see our children get along so well! Reminds me of when we were kids.
  • Bunny: Speaking of, do you think our childhood bedroom is just like we remember?
  • Esmerelda: Let's find out!
  • [They both run to their room, giggling excitedly]
  • Agnes: Gerhard! How are you going to make yourself useful while I cook?
  • Gerhard: By sitting in this chair. [sits in the chair and closes his eyes]
  • Agnes: Oh, you want to sit in that chair. Why don't you become that chair?!
  • [Agnes points her wand at Gerhard, turning him into the chair]
  • Gerhard: Aw, tripleblit.
  • Agnes: I guess I'll do it all myself. No one is useful around here!
  • Cecil: Useful? [quickly reverts from the puddle back to his normal self] Now's my chance! Oh, Agnes! Wait for me!
  • [Agnes levitates a book over a cauldron with her wand]
  • Agnes: All right, let's get started.
  • Cecil: Did someone say cooking?
  • Agnes: No.
  • Cecil: I've got everything we need, right here. [Cecil opens his suitcase, and his grill launches a column of fire at Agnes's face, severely burning her face]
  • Cecil: Eh heh, looks like the grill's ready!
  • Agnes: [quickly heals herself with her wand] Okay, fine. You want to help, Cecil? [Agnes makes Cecil's suitcase vanish]
  • Cecil: My tools!
  • Agnes: Do you know how to cook with cauldrons?
  • Cecil: I... yeah! Cauldrons! Sure thing. [gulps] Gotta just a... just gotta find the ol' gas knob on this thing. [reaches into the cauldron]
  • Agnes: [slaps his hand] Not like that. Like this. [spins her wand and points it at the cauldron, creating a beam of purple from the cauldron and heating it]
  • Cecil: Ooh. So, Mom, what's next?
  • Agnes: [aggressively gives him a tray with foods on it] The ingredients!
  • Cecil: I'm on it! What first?
  • Agnes: Wing of bat.
  • [Cecil holds a mouse over the cauldron]
  • Agnes: No! That's foot of rat!
  • [the rat pulls on Cecil's mustache and runs away]
  • Cecil: Heh, so it is.
  • Agnes: Out of the way. I'll do it myself [bumps Cecil and sends him flying]
  • [Agnes pours the ingredients into the pot and starts to stir]
  • Cecil: [takes a bucket off his head] Stirring? [zooms up and takes the spoon from Agnes] Well I can help you stir. Yep, I was the champion stirrer- [takes the spoon out of the cauldron and flings something in] for all eleven years of high school.
  • [The cauldron grumbles, then a large, hairy hand emerges from the cauldron]
  • Cecil: We're having boogeyman tonight, right?
  • [The hand grabs him and stirs Cecil in the cauldron]
  • Cecil: I told you... [the hand takes him and dunks him back in repeatedly] I was good at... stirring! [the hand continues to stir with Cecil and Agnes walks away]
  • Agnes: Ugh, is there anyone more annoying than that kloinkspank?
  • GrandPat: Rackin' flackin' piece of Klopnod junk! [smashes the TV] How d'you turn this TV on? [bites the TV]
  • Agnes: Well, that answers my question. [teleports next to GrandPat] You need to crank it up. Like this. [Agnes twists the crank and the TV turns on]
  • GrandPat: Huh? What's this garbage?
  • [The TV plays a show with a witch]
  • Agnes: It's Klopnodian television. We only have one channel.
  • GrandPat: Wha?! Not anymore! [he smashes the TV and the channel changes to horse racing] There. No you got two channels!
  • Agnes: Don't change the settings, you'll break it! [smashes the TV, changing the channel back]
  • GrandPat: I'll break whatever I want! [smashes the TV, turning the channel back]
  • Agnes: How rude! [smashes the TV]
  • GrandPat: I'll show you rude! [smashes the TV]
  • [The two repeatedly smash the TV, with GrandPat smashing it last]
  • Cecil: Oh mooother! [walks in with a turkey] I've got the sea turkey all stuffed!
  • [The turkey barfs out garbage, deflating itself. Agnes walks over and glares at Cecil.]
  • Cecil: Hehe. [starts putting the garbage back into the turkey]
  • [Agnes looks over at GrandPat, who is watching the TV. He sticks his tongue out at her.]
  • Agnes: Hmm... [pulls out her wand and explodes Cecil's turkey]
  • Cecil: Wha? I knew I shouldn't have put that dynamite in there.
  • Agnes: Oh, dear. Who could possibly hunt down another sea turkey in this late hour? Certainly not an old, weak, pathetic outsider like your father.
  • GrandPat: Huh? Grr! [slides over to Agnes] I'll show you who's old, weak and pathetic! [spins around and is now in a pilgrim costume] Turkey finder GrandPat away! [runs out the door]
  • Agnes: That should keep him busy for a while. Now then, make yourself useful and um, don't do anything. [Cecil frowns and deflates]
  • [Cut to Bunny and Esmerelda entering their childhood rooms]
  • Bunny: Oh! Our childhood room is just like I remember! Oh! My little cleaner's training vacuum! [grabs the vacuum and starts to roll it] Vroom vroom!
  • Esmerelda: Ah, Bunny! Lookie what I found! [pulls a board game from the closet]
  • Bunny: Oh! The Game of Strife! I'm not sure. That game would always bring out the worst in us.
  • Esmerelda: [opens the board game] 'Fraid you'll looooose again? [laughs] Come on! Just one game!
  • Bunny: You're on! [rolls the dice]
  • Esmerelda: Oh! Snake eyes!
  • Bunny: [moves a boot across the board] One, two. "Have a couple dumpy, good for nothing kids?"
  • Esmerelda: [laughs] They look like your kids! My turn! [moves her piece] "Have two perfect, successful children!" That tracks! [laughs]
  • [Bunny spins the wheel and it lands on a picture of her in a cage]
  • Bunny: "Go to jail?"
  • Esmerelda: Isn't that where you work? I thought you wanted to be a world famous racecar driver! Oh, that's right. [snaps her fingers, and a helmet appears on her head and a trophy is in her hand] I became a world famous racecar driver.
  • Bunny: Mom!
  • [Agnes appears next to them]
  • Agnes: What now?
  • Bunny: Esmerelda thinks she's better than me!
  • Esmerelda: Bunny can't take a joke!
  • [Esmerelda mocks her while Bunny yells at Esmerelda]
  • Agnes: Girls, there's no need to fight over who's better. You're both equal. Equal disappointments! [sends the two to opposite sides of the room with her wand] Now sit in your corners until you're ready to apologize or you can join my ex-husbands! I could always use a couple extra lounge chairs! [laughs]
  • [Patrick, Squatrick, Squidina, and Patina are on a football field]
  • Squatrick: Har, har, yuckle, yuck! [passes the ball to Squidina]
  • Squidina: I got it! I got it! [Squidina catches a stinky ball of cheese] Eww! Gross! [throws it backwards]
  • Patrick: [catches the cheese in his mouth and swallows it] Hole in one!
  • Squatrick: Wah! You ate our at-at-blootball!
  • Patina: Do you not know how to play? [to Squatrick] I bet not because they're from backward Bikini Bottom.
  • Squidina: Well, any other unusual Klopnod traditions we should know about?
  • Patina: There's uh... oh! Takesgiving!
  • [Squatrick and Patina laugh]
  • Squidina: What's Takesgiving?
  • Patina: Every year on Takesgiving, we sneak inside people's homes, and take whatever we want!
  • Squidina: Uh, that sounds like stealing.
  • Patrick: I like it. I'm in.
  • Squidina: Wait, is this some kind of a prank?
  • Patina: Of course not, Pranksgiving isn't until next month. Come on, Takesgiving's a lot of fun. You'll love it! Unless of course, you're chicken.
  • Patrick: Chicken? Don't worry, I already got 'em. [walks by with his pants full of live chickens]
  • Squidina: Patrick! Oh, all right then.
  • [Transition back to the cauldron]
  • Cecil: Hey, uh, Agnes, I wanted to offer an apolo-gee! That smells good! [sniffs the cauldron] Could use a little of the Cecil touch. [starts throwing ingredients into the cauldron] Couple 'a these. Pinch of that. Some of those.
  • [Agnes drops down behind him]
  • Agnes: Ahem.
  • Cecil: Oh! Hi, Agnes. Wait 'til you taste this. It will blow your mind! [holds out the ladle to her]
  • Agnes: I'll be the judge of that. [she sips the purple substance, and it explodes in her face]
  • [Transition to GrandPat stalking the streets of Klopnod]
  • GrandPat: Here, turkey, turkey, turkey. I got a nice juicy rock with your name on it! [giggles] Aha! [he spots what looks like a turkey in the bush] Gotcha!
  • [GrandPat dives into the bush, but he is carried out a by a large, muscular Klopnodian with a hat of turkey feathers]
  • Klopnodian: Who you calling turkey? [slingshots GrandPat away]
  • [GrandPat gets up, dazed, then sees what looks like turkey feet walk by. He dives after it, but they turn out to be someone's shoes.]
  • Incidental 96: Get your own traditional Klopnodian thumpskullsplatchgutch turkey boots! [kicks Grandpat in the face]
  • [GrandPat hears a turkey gobble]
  • GrandPat: Huh? Ooh, I got you now! [He runs into the road and gets hit by a truck. The gobbling was coming from the truck's horn]
  • [Transition to Bunny and Esmerelda in their rooms]
  • Bunny: No good sister, she's the one who should be sorry.
  • Esmerelda: You know what, Bunny? I am sorry.
  • Bunny: Oh?
  • Esmerelda: Sorry you didn't stay in Klopnod and had my amazing life! [laughs] Do you remember Myron? [shows Bunny a high school yearbook]
  • Bunny: Oh, Myron, my old high school sweetheart. [shows an unflattering yearbook photo]
  • Esmerelda: This is him now. [Myron is now very tall and muscular]
  • Bunny: [blinks]
  • Esmerelda: He's become a billionaire supermodel wizard, and, we're engaged! [shows Esmerelda's diamond ring]
  • Bunny: He must've saved a fortune, buying such a small ring.
  • Esmerelda: [clears throat]
  • [Myron makes the diamond on Esmerelda's ring much bigger with his staff. Esmerelda laughs, but the weight of the diamond causes her to fall over. It crushes Myron's foot and he screams in a high-pitched voice.
  • Bunny: Wait a tick. [Bunny activates her vacuum cleaner, which sucks up "Myron" and reveals four sea bunnies standing on top of each other holding a traffic cone] Aha! That was nothing more than one of your phony illusion spells!
  • Esmerelda: Are you calling me a liar? [Bunny sucks up the diamond ring, revealing a pretzel on her finger]
  • Bunny: You may think life is better in Klopnod, but at least my husband's not a cheap magic trick.
  • Cecil pops his head through the floor]
  • Cecil: Phew, that soup's got some kick to it! [Cecil gets repeatedly kicked by a donkey legs coming out of the cauldron]
  • Agnes: [sighs]
  • [Transition to Patrick, Squatrick, Squidina, and Patina walking up to a house]
  • Patina: [opens the window] The coast is clear.
  • [Squatrick and Patrick enter the house after Patina]
  • Squidina: Oh...
  • Patina: Come on, Squidina. [pulls her in]
  • [Squatrick shoves various items into Patina's sack]
  • Patina: Good haul this year, eh Squidina?
  • Squidina: I don't know, Patrick. This still feels like stealing.
  • Patrick: Can't hear you. Too busy takin' stuff that doesn't belong to us.
  • [An alarm goes off]
  • Patrick: Aeugh! We gotta hide! [hides inside the record player]
  • Patina: [takes the record player] Let's smizorft!
  • Squidina: What?}
  • Patina: Let's leave. [grabs Squidina, and the group runs out of the house]
  • [Transition to Agnes putting ingredients in the cauldron]
  • Cecil: [chained to wall] Agnes, are you sure I can't help with something?
  • Agnes: Haven't you done enough? Thanksgiving dinner would be done by now if you hadn't thrown in those extra ingredients.
  • [Cecil runs up to Agnes, breaking his chains off the wall] Oh, is that all? I'll just take out everything I put in!
  • Agnes: What?
  • Cecil: Don't worry. I washed my hands a few hours ago. [reaches into the cauldron and starts throwing out ingredients] Uh, we don't need this!
  • Agnes: Stop it, you basonche!
  • Cecil: Or this! Or this! And we really don't need this! [an anchor falls on Agnes's head, flattening her] Phew! How'd I do, Agnes? Uh, Agnes?
  • [Agnes returns to full form, and angrily raises her wand at Cecil]
  • Bunny: [in Agnes's head] Now, mom, you promised!
  • Agnes: I'm sorry Bunny, but I have to do this. [turns Cecil into a turkey]
  • Cecil: Gobble gobble? [looks around and starts to peck at the ground]
  • Agnes: Happy Thanksgiving! Watch out for hunters! [laughs]
  • [Transition to GrandPat entering through the front door]
  • GrandPat: The mighty hunter has returned! [holds out a bag with something moving inside it] I just caught a big, plump sea turkey! Ha ha! [the thing inside the bag kicks him]
  • [GrandPat turns the bag upside down, and a child falls out]
  • Child: Hey, I'm not a sea turkey!
  • GrandPat: That's what they all say.
  • [The child pulls down GrandPat's hat, then jumps away]
  • GrandPat: [brushes himself off] I dang-near had him!
  • Cecil: Gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble!
  • GrandPat: How convenient. Hold still, turkey. This won't hurt... me a bit. [prepares to shoot Cecil with his slingshot]
  • Cecil: Wait Dad, no! I'm your son! Not a sea turkey!
  • [GrandPat launches a rock at Cecil, which he jumps over]
  • GrandPat: Get back here! [chases Cecil]
  • Bunny: [carefully places a fork on the table] There. Table all set.
  • Esmerelda: [appears on the other side of the table] The forks go to the left. [moves the forks with her wand]
  • Bunny: No, the forks go to the right. [moves the forks with her vacuum cleaner]
  • Esmerelda: No, to the left. [moves the forks again]
  • Bunny: Right!
  • Esmerelda: Left!
  • Bunny: Right!
  • Esmerelda: Left!
  • [a swirling tornado of forks form]
  • Agnes: [appears next to them] Girls! What did I tell you about arguing?
  • [sirens are heard from outside]
  • Bunny: Huh?
  • [Patrick, Squatrick, Squidina, and Patina run into the house and shut the door behind them, but two cops quickly burst in.]
  • Cops: Everyone freeze!
  • [Patrick and Squidina, in bags, try to walk off]
  • Cops: You two in the bags! Freeze!
  • Squidina: [gets down on her knees] Please officers, don't arrest us! Our cousins were pulling a prank! They told us taking things was part of your culture! [cries] But no culture is that backward! [cries]
  • Cops: Backward?
  • Patrick: Culture? [blows his pipe]
  • [The cops laugh]
  • Female cop: Oh, little girl from inferior country, Takesgiving is the best part of Thanksgiving! [takes a sack full of their stuff and runs off]
  • Squidina: What?
  • Male cop: [holds up Gerhard] You won't miss this chair will you?
  • Agnes: Nope, I've got plenty more where that came from.
  • Gerhard: It was nice to meet you!
  • Patrick, Squatrick, and Patina: [to the cops] Happy Takesgiving!
  • GrandPat: [taps Agnes on the shoulder] Guess who caught a turkey, you turkey! Get to the table! Dinner is served!
  • [The family chatters excitedly]
  • [GrandPat starts to lift the lid]
  • Bunny: Wait, GrandPat, we can't start without Cecil.
  • Cecil: [from inside the cloche] I'm right here!
  • Bunny: [lifts the lid] Oh my.
  • Cecil: [now a cooked turkey] Hi, honey!
  • Patrick: [sniffs the aroma] Herbs, spices, Dad's aftershave! Smells yummy!
  • [Squidina groans and falls to the floor]
  • Agnes: Thanksgiving is ruined! All because I refused to get along with Seasick!
  • Cecil: Cecil.
  • Agnes: Whatever. Can you all ever forgive me?
  • Cecil: Oh, it's okay, Agnes. I know what it's like to disappoint everyone. [rips off one of his legs] Here, have a drumstick! It'll make you feel better!
  • Agnes: Ugh fine. [takes the drumstick]
  • Squidina: [climbs back on to the table, then passes out again]
  • Agnes: [eats the drumstick] Little dry, but not bad.
  • Cecil: [gasps] My first compliment! [Cecil tears up as fireworks go off in the background]
  • Agnes: Don't get a big head, turkey boy. You still ruined the side dishes.
  • Patrick: Got you covered, Granny! [bangs his head under the table] I always come prepared. [various side dishes pour out of his bag, and the family is awed]
  • Patrick: Dig in everybody! Happy Thanksgiving...
  • Squidina: Takesgiving...
  • Bunny: And... thump, skull, flatch, goosh, everyone!
  • [Transition to the family happily eating]
  • Squidina: Hey Dad, aren't you gonna eat?
  • Cecil: No thanks, I'm already stuffed! [laughs]
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